Chapter 44

  ‘Happy Wedding Day, Momma!  Hope you feel wonderful.  Take it all in, every moment.  You did a lot of praying for the happiness that this day is bringing.  We both did, for our girls.  I know what you are feeling today.  I felt it with Brandi.  It’s your ‘big day’ too!  Enjoy!’

“Thank you.  It will be beautiful.”

  Wedding day was finally here.  Brandi and I went to the venue to help set up, while Clint, Dave and Chase took care of the beer.  The venue was beautiful just like Laura imagined.  Every napkin was in place and every table decorated, food was ready, and refrigerators were full.  After months of anticipation, everything was falling perfectly into place. 

  Rachel was beautiful and Austin so handsome.  The wedding party and ceremony was beautiful too.  I’m not going to write much about this day.  I asked Rachel to do that for me.  This was her day, so I asked her if she wanted to share something special.    

What I am going to write about is… The moments that spoke and stuck out to me.  It wasn’t until the end of the evening when I finally talked with Laura.

  My favorite part of the night was the mother/daughter dance.  And if you attended the reception, I’m pretty sure it was yours.  Rachel spent some time looking for the perfect song for this moment, and once she heard this one, she knew the perfect song was found.  Rachel chose ‘Mama’s Song’ by Carrie Underwood.  If you have never heard it, please look it up and take a listen.  It’s a song that all of us mamas out here, hope and pray for our little girls.

  The venue was almost full.  I was sitting with some friends of ours about halfway to the back.  I hadn’t noticed until now, that Laura had taken off her wig.  She hated that wig, so it really didn’t surprise me.  I’ve only known her to wear it a handful of times.  So, when the time came for Rachel and Laura’s dance, the wig stayed at the table.  Knowing Laura, I’m sure she didn’t care.

  The song started and the room got quiet.  The guests at the back of the room stopped their chatter and many rose to their feet.  Everyone’s focus was on the two on the dance floor.   Several women made their way to the front of the room to capture this moment on their phones.  It was a moment in time that was absolutely beautiful.  An image you would see in a picture book.  I looked around; I don’t believe there was a dry eye in the room. 

  When I told Laura I would write this book, I told her this was the picture I wanted to use for the cover.  It was this picture that described what life is and what love is all about.  Laura said she loved it and was happy with my choice. 

  Towards the end of the evening, I got up to get a drink.  I noticed Laura sitting alone at a table.  I went over and sat down next to her and asked her how she was doing.  She was tired but oh so happy.  She said it was one of the best days of her life. 

  We talked for a while as we watched the kids dance.  I said…

‘I see you got rid of the wig.  Huh?’   

“Yeah, (insert giggle) it was too hot.”

‘Are you having a good time?’

“Yes, I am.  My little girl got married.”

‘Your prayers were answered, weren’t they?’

“Yes, they were.  God is good.”

  A few minutes later, she asked…

“Hey, do you have your phone on you?”

‘No, I don’t.  It’s at my table.’

“Go get it.”

‘Right now?’

“Yes.  Go get it.”

  I brought my phone back and set it on the table.

‘Is there something you need from it?’

Right then, Rachel picked it up and said…

“Yes.  I want to take a picture of you and my mom.”

  You know… I think this is the only picture I have of just the two of us.  We have had group pictures taken of all us teachers and classroom pictures with the kids.  But in the twenty years I have known her, I don’t ever remember a single picture of just us.  It goes to show how time passes and how important it is to take those pictures.  I wish all of us would take a moment to take those pictures with your friends. 

  This picture that Rachel took of us, it’s going in the book too.  I think I am going to put it on the back cover.  It’s the picture I have on this blog. 

  Soon after, Brandi came over.  We took a few pictures of Laura and I and our girls.  What a long way these two families of ours have come and how similar of paths we followed.

  When all the pictures were taken, Rachel walked over to me and gave me a hug.  I instantly noticed she had tears.

She whispered to me…

“Promise me you will take care of my mom.”

‘You bet I will, Rachel.  I’ll keep giving her a hard time too.’

  Sunday morning text to Luisa…

‘I took this picture of you.  It is very good.  All that stupid pop I drank last night kept me up until 4.’

“Laura was still up too.  She texted me at 1 A.M.”

  Sunday evening text to Laura…

‘All the leftover beer has been returned, and everything is all done.  So how tired are you?’

“I’m doing ok.  It took the kids like 2 hours to open all their cards and gifts.”

‘Wow.  That is neat they did that with the family.  Brandi and Dave did that too.  I really enjoyed it.’

“Yes, me too.  Austin’s mom and dad, his brother, and his grandma were here.  Along with my mom, and David’s mom and dad.  They got so much stuff.”

‘Give me a sec. and I will send you a few pictures from last night.’

“These are good.  Thank you.”

‘Your kids are gorgeous.’

“Thanks, so are yours.”

  I asked Rachel if she wanted to write about this day and this is what she sent me.  I told her to write about something you enjoyed or remembered.  I’ll share it with you.

  ~ I spent my last night at my mom’s house before the wedding.  On Wedding Day, I woke up early and got myself ready.  Mom and I talked for a bit before we left for our hair appointments.  We spent the morning with Amber at the salon as she did Amanda and I’s hair.  She also styled Mom’s wig.  My mom was not very fond of her wig, but she insisted on wearing it during the ceremony and for pictures.  After our hair appointment we drove to the church to work on getting ready.  We had our make-up done and spent the late morning getting ready with all the girls.  Mom provided everyone with snacks while my dad was off getting us sandwiches. 

  Some of my favorite memories was watching my mom get ready for my big day.  I loved watching her take it all in as the girls got ready.  She was enjoying every single moment, especially seeing Caleb and Elizabeth all dressed and pretty.  After the girls were all dressed and ready, we loaded up and went to Stoney Creek Hotel for the reveal.  It was supposed to be just Austin and I, but Mom insisted she be there.  She watched from a distance along with all the bridesmaids who peeked out a window.

  At the ceremony, my mom and dad both walked me down the aisle.  Mom told me back when we were planning the wedding, that she was walking me down the aisle too.  She said, she didn’t want to sit in the pew all by herself.  When we reached the end of the aisle, I hugged my mom.  I knew she was so happy for me.

  I have a little bit of a back story to tell about the reception.  I remember telling Deb that I wanted to dance with my mom at my wedding.  We were all sitting in the office at church listening to a variety of songs.  We were trying to find the perfect one.  Deb knows lots of songs, and at one point we thought we found the perfect one.  When my mom was out of the room, Deb told me to look up ‘Mama’s Song’ by Carrie Underwood.  I did.  It was perfect.  I wanted to surprise my mom with it.  I wanted to surprise the guests as well.  No one knew this was the song I chose.  I didn’t even tell Deb.

  After all the speeches and special dances, the DJ called for my mom to come to the dance floor for a dance with me.  I told my mom to take off her wig because I knew how much it was bothering her.  Mom doesn’t like to be in the spotlight, but I told her no one cared. 

  This dance with my mom meant so much to me.  It was more than just dancing with my mom.  It was cherishing all the moments we have had together over the past 26 years.  It was my way of thanking her for all that she has done for me. 

  Mom, you have taken care of me my whole life, it is my turn to be here for you.  Even though I am moving away, I am ALWAYS going to be right here.

  The words of this song say it all.  It was everything I wanted my mom to know.  She doesn’t have to worry about me or that I am moving away, Austin was going to be there and taking good care of me.   

  I wanted to surprise her with this dance.  I wanted her to know that I appreciate everything she has done for me.  This was my way to say Thank you and I Love you. 

  My favorite part was when my sister and niece came on the dance floor to join us.  We finished the dance together.  It is still my favorite memory to this day.  One that is talked about by so many.

 I am so glad and lucky to have had my mom at my wedding and witness me marry Austin.  I thank God every day that He allowed my mom to be there on my big day. ~ Rachel Jensen  

Monday morning text from Luisa…

  “Do you want to do lunch with Laura and I around 1:30?”

‘Sure.  Where at?’

“I don’t know.”

‘Ok then, I’ll meet you there. Haha.’

A few minutes later…

  ‘Luisa, you really don’t know where we are going??’

“No.  Laura just asked to do lunch at 1:30 and said call Deb.”

‘She is going to talk to us about disability, isn’t she?  I asked her earlier if she talked to her doctor about it (she had an appointment today) and she wouldn’t answer me.  Dang it!’

“I don’t know.”

Within seconds, Laura texted us both…

  “You guys pick a place, please.”

‘54^th, Chili’s, Applebee’s, Culver’s??’

“Let’s do 54^th St.  Can we meet more like 1:45?”

‘Okay.’

  Sure enough, she wanted to tell Luisa and I she was going to apply for disability.  She explained to us her reasoning, saying if she was accepted into MD Anderson, she might miss a few months from work.  She acted like this was the main reason, but she also said how she wants to spend this time with her family and the girls.  She emphasized how time with them is what is important to her.  Being with them makes her happy and that’s where she wants to be.

  Laura asked if Luisa and I would be with her when she told Kathy.  This would be one of the hardest things she would have to do.  These two friends have worked as a team overseeing the preschool and now the daycare.  They have worked together for over 20 years.  If you mentioned one of their names the other name always followed.

Tuesday afternoon…

  Laura… “Ok, girls, I decided I want to talk to Kathy by myself.  You guys can come in after that.”

Luisa… “Whatever you want us to do.”

Deb… ‘Ok Laura, whatever you want.  We are here for you.’

Laura… “Thank you.”

  That conversation I don’t think happened.  Too many other things were going on.  The timing wasn’t right, and Laura wasn’t ready.  If they did talk, she never told us.

Late that afternoon…

  ‘How did the conversation go with David and the girls?’

“It went good.  We are going to check out social security this week.  I am at peace with this.  All is good.”

‘Things will be different, that’s for sure.  We will miss you being there.  You will be alright.  Clint said to me one time… Happiness is not in money, it’s in the people we have and love in our lives.  What if God is telling you… The good is coming.  You will get to spend time with your grandbabies.  You can go to Iowa to see Rachel.  Shoot, you’ll be able to go to lunch with Luisa, Stace and I anytime you want. Haha.  We ask, we pray, so we must believe in those answers.  I’m glad you have peace about it.  You’re going to be alright.  We all are.  We’ve always had those Angels letting us know and helping us through.  You need to take care of you and your health.’

A few hours later…

  “Deb, are you alright?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine.  Why?’

“You are quiet.  Don’t be.”

  I don’t know why, but I didn’t answer her.  To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel.  We didn’t talk anymore after my last text, so I was a little confused.  Yeah… The more I thought about it, the more I know she was reaching for answers.

  It’s going to be different not having Laura at work.  She’s been such a fixture in this family for years.  I’m starting to wonder what her reasonings are.  Is it too much?  Or is it deeper?  How exactly does she feel?  Before I went to bed, I decided to answer her.

9:56 P.M….

  ‘I’m alright, Laura.  I was reading that fella’s blog tonight.  I haven’t read it in a very long time.  He was talking about the things he admired in his wife.  He said… ~ ‘There are many things in life that are very important to my wife and those things never change, never waver.  Not through good times or bad times, not through tears or joy.  She knows what the good stuff is in life, and she reaches for it.  She pushes away the things that don’t matter.  She has always been this way.  I wish I was more like her.  I wish it would come easy to me.  I have to work at it.  For her… It’s just a part of her, like breathing air or loving her kids.’ ~ Rory Feek.   I like that.  I want to be that way too.’

“Thanks Deb.  Look at these sneak peek pictures from the photographer.  They are so good.”

‘Wow!  That was fast.  How exciting.’

“What time is Stacey getting married?”

‘I don’t know.  I don’t even know if I can go.  Are you going to go?’

“Well, I would like to.  I’m working on it.”

‘Stace said she is having a reception here.  I think it’s the 22^nd of October.  As for the wedding, Kathy will be gone on a mission trip and of course, Stacey will be gone too.  That leaves me alone at school.  I really don’t know how all this is going to work.  The last time I looked up airfare to Vegas, roundtrip flights for Clint and I were $800.  That is a lot for just one night.  So many factors to think about.  So, I just don’t know.’

“I knew that was the week she would be gone.  We are still working on trying to make it there.”

‘What did you do today?’

“Picked up some stuff.  You know, Austin is a good guy.”

‘I think God listened to all those prayers you have been praying.  I believe she found a man who sees everything her momma has seen her entire life.  I’m sure it makes your heart happy.  You have another good man in your life to call your son.  It’s a good feeling Laura when you don’t have to worry anymore.  It just makes your heart so happy.’

“Thanks, Deb.  I was putting things away and found a card he wrote her.  He is such a good guy.”

Thursday evening…

  “Deb, you’re coming to eat with us tomorrow.”

‘I am?’

“Yep, you are.  Can you?”

‘I guess.  What time?’

“Let’s do 1.”

‘Maybe Luisa wants to have lunch just you and her.’

“Nope, you wants you.”

‘OMG!  Look what you wrote!’

“Lol.  Chemo. Lol.”

‘I see.’

“So be there, my friend.”

Early Friday morning.  Our group text…

  Laura… “Good morning.  What would you girls like for lunch?  I can pick it up on my way in.”

Deb… ‘Can you go by the Gulf Coast and get some fresh shrimp?’

Luisa… “Lol.”

Laura… “Sure, but I won’t come back.  I will be at the beach with my umbrella and drink.”

Deb… ‘Luisa… We are going to be eating with Laura at the beach today.’

Laura… “Let’s go!”

Deb… ‘I can get my own.  Worry about Luisa.’

Laura… “What are you getting?”

Deb…. ‘No clue.’

Laura… “That’s where we are right now.  We have no clue.”

Deb… ‘Hahahaha!  Well, I guess it is up to Luisa to decide.  You know, she hasn’t been answering any of our texts.  Here she is trying to work, and her phone keeps going off.  Oh boy!’

Laura… “I know.  She loves us.”

Deb… ‘Hey Laura, if you want to do just preschool, Stacey and I will wear masks.  I know you have to be careful and wear one.  We could be the three Banditos.’

Laura… “I want to.  We will see.”

Deb… ‘We ate at La Fuente’s last night.  There was an old couple sitting across the way.  I would say they were in their late 70’s.  Their adult son, probably in his 40’s/50’s, was eating dinner with them.  Chase said… “That will be us in a few years.”  Haha.’

Laura… “Lol.”

  I wrote these texts just like she sent them.  It’s like her whole attitude in life has changed.  This… Is the Laura we once knew.  The one joyful and having fun.  I’m not sure what has come over her or the reason for the big change.  It’s like she has already been cured of cancer and she is rejoicing with the news.  I wish I could put into words just how happy she is.  I can replay it in my mind, but I just can’t find the right words.  What I’m trying to say is… Laura is being the old Laura we all love, and right now, we are taking it all in. 

Saturday afternoon text…

  “Hi Deb.  What are you doing?”

‘Sitting on the porch.’

“Working on your tan again?  You might catch up with me. Lol.  Would you like to go to dinner tonight?  Clint too.”

‘I do have my legs in the sun.  Yeah, I guess so.  Let me ask Clint.  Is something up?’

“Nope.  Does seafood sound good?  Red Lobster?”

‘Clint said sure.  What time?  Is David going?’

“Yes.  How about 4:30?  I know it’s early.  That way we won’t have to wait too long.  What do you think?”

‘Sounds good.’

‘This is big for David.  He asked if you wanted to go eat with us (smiley face).”

‘You know… Funny thing.  I thought the other day about seeing if you guys wanted to go to dinner sometime.  Well good.  It will be fun.’

‘Yes, it will.  Jared took the kids to Iowa to decorate Rachel and Austin’s house before they get back.”

‘Oh boy!  How neat.’

  We met David and Laura for dinner.  Clint and I had a very good time.  The guys talked about cars and sports and the girls mostly listened.  Before we knew it, two hours had passed.  Clint and I left to go to a car show and Laura and David went home.   

My 7 o’clock text…

  “Thanks for going to dinner.  Had a good time.  Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

‘Thanks for the invite.  It was nice.  Did David have a good time?  Clint is a pretty easy guy to talk to.’

“Yes, he did.  It was good for us to get out and talk to people.”

  The kids were home from their honeymoon.  They packed up the last few things from the house and loaded up the remaining gifts.  After short visit, they left for Iowa.  I knew reality was going to be setting in.

  ‘Are you sad?’

“Yes, I am sad.”

‘Yeah…’

“It sucks.”

‘Hang in there, momma!  It gets better.  Thinking about you.’

“Thanks.  I know.  Just sucks.”

  Laura sure has been surprising me lately.  It sounds like she has been doing a lot of thinking.  She told us about a conversation she had with Kathy, and a decision she has made.  I thought her working days were over, but I guess I was wrong. 

  Laura informed us that she was coming back to teach pre-k this upcoming school year.  She made sure I was going to be there this year since I had been talking about retiring.  She wanted to try to work as much as she could before she would have to leave for Houston.  That is, if she was accepted to any of their clinical trials.  Preschool hours are nine to noon, so she felt that wouldn’t take too much out of her.  She could still do the thing she loved and not overdo it.  And… If I am there and she had one of her bad days, she knew the classroom would be covered. 

  The information she received from the Social Security office said she could work a few hours a week and still apply for disability.  She asked if we were okay with this, and of course we said we were.   

Monday, August 15^th…

  ‘Laura, I don’t want you to work at the preschool because of me and what I said.  I want you to take care of yourself.  We want our friend healthy more than anything.  I don’t want you to come back to work and then get sick.  Get quiet and listen to what God would tell you.  Not anyone else.’

“I will.  I am not doing this for you.  It’s for me.  And you and Stacey.  Lol.”

‘Laura, I am serious!’

“I know.  But I need something to do.  It will be fine.”

Tuesday…

  “How do you feel about it today?”

‘The disability part??  How do you feel about it?’

“I am ok.  I have more paperwork to fill out.  I can do all that they ask.  I mean the questions they ask to apply for disability.”

‘What kind of questions?’

“Like can you dress yourself, can you cook a meal, can you drive, can you shop?  How far can you walk?  Can you do housework?  Do you take care of a cat or dog?”

‘Wow.’

“I know.  I can do all those things.”

‘Interesting questions.’

“That’s just a few.  There is more just like that.”

  I knew this was a big step for Laura.  She really didn’t want to have to apply.  This is something that was hard for her.  It was personal and it was tough.  I didn’t know what to say to her, so I sent something I saw on Facebook instead…

‘I saw this tonight… ~ The people we surround ourselves with either raise or lower our standards.  They either help us to become the best version of ourselves or encourage us to become lesser versions of ourselves.  We become like our friends.  No man becomes great on his own.  No woman becomes great on her own.  The people around them help to make them great.  We all need people in our lives who raise our standards, remind us of   our essential purpose, and challenge us to become the best version of ourselves. ~ Author unknown.’

Tuesday afternoon…

  ‘Hey Laura, how’s it going?  Just so you know, I haven’t done a thing today.’

“OMG.  I have!  Cleaned the family room, the entryway, and ran the vacuum.  Do you need me to tell you to get up? Lol.”

‘I took a shower.’

“That’s good.”

‘I guess we’re not going out of town.  There is a 50% chance of rain, plus Silver Dollar City is closed on Thursdays.’

“Bumper.   That’s not good.  Sorry.”

‘Oh, good golly!  There is a reason you made me keep all my texts.  If I ever need a laugh… I got one.’

“What are you laughing at?  Do share.”

‘BUMPER.’

“Omg.  Ok. Ok. Lol.”

‘Hey, if you need someone to go with you to chemo, let me know.  I will be in town.’

“Okay.  Thank you.  Are you watching Bachelor in Paradise?”

‘Yes.  Do you think she even likes Canadian bacon?’

“Lol.  I don’t know.  It was funny.”

‘Hahaha.’

“Do you think a crab got her?  Lol.”

‘I would freak.’

“Me too.”

Wednesday, August 17^th, 2016.  Chemo day…

  ‘It’s been a busy couple of weeks.  It’s hard to believe wedding week has come and gone.  Think about all the work and planning between all the bad days.  Well… It all worked out and the wedding was perfect.  Rachel made such a beautiful bride.  You did a good job.  These last few weeks, I think you have felt just about every kind of emotion.  I know it is tough watching Rachel move away.  It’s made me think back and feel those emotions too.  Remember that day when I told you… What if it didn’t hurt?  Be glad it does.  The love you have with your girls and the closeness you share is something so deep in your heart.  That’s why sometimes it hurts so bad.  How privileged we are to feel that level of love.  Pretty cool, huh?  It gets better.  I promise.  It’s okay to be sad.  That’s just how special it is.  I have had times when I have sent Brandi a random text saying… Miss you or love you.  All while the tears rolled down my face.  I found out it helped Brandi too.  She felt the same way.  My biggest fear never came true.  I was afraid we would grow apart.  She would have her new life and so on.  Well, it was just the opposite.  We actually grew closer.  Short idle chit-chat was replaced with long talks about our day, our lives and what we did.  Your relationship will get closer too.  Wait and see.  So, get well.  Get strong.  She is going to need you more now than ever.  Every time she is sick, every time she is sad and every time something goes wrong, she is going to call.  That doesn’t change because she moved away.  You are her everything.  Believe me, they still need their moms.’

“Thanks, Deb.  I know I can get thru it.  Just sucks.  You always have the right words to say.  Thanks.  Love you.”

  I’m guessing by my chemo day message, that reality had set in.  It took a while for those feelings to hit.  Laura, she will be alright.  She will have her moments and she will get thru them.  Remember… This is what we prayed for.  Being a mom is tough when you are missing your girl.   

7:44 P.M. that evening…

  “Amanda asked me today if I thought about dying.”

‘She did?  I bet that caught you off guard.’

“Yes.  I told her I have, but I can’t think that way.  I was going to be here forever or for as long as I can.  I just have to live each day.  I can’t worry about that.  That is not living.”

‘I’m sure she is scared.’

“I know she is.  I just want to be happy and do the things that I love doing.  We can’t focus on that.  Have to focus on now and just living.”

‘I’m not worried about you.  I’m really not.  I believe you are going to be fine.  Sure, I have thought about it in the past, but it never settled with me.  It didn’t feel right.  I went back to just knowing you were going to be ok.  That’s when my peace came back.’

“Glad your peace is back.  Glad I could do that for you. Lol.”

‘Thanks Laura, you’re swell.’

“Yep, I try.  Things went well today.  Have to get a chest x-ray done before next Wednesday.  Dr. M. said he couldn’t hear my right lung.  Oxygen level was 96.  I feel good.  I don’t feel like I did a few weeks ago.”

‘You look good too.  I think you are tons better than you were a couple of weeks ago.’

“I know.  I feel good.  They are doing the tumor marker count.  I will probably know tomorrow.”

‘They did the count today?  Did you go to the new building?’

“Yes.  That is where I go now.  That’s their new center.”

‘I bet it’s nice.  It looks nice on the outside.  Are you worrying?’

“No.  I am good.  God has this.  Until someone says you have this much time, then maybe a little.  But I still trust God.”

‘Good.  Gods got you. Always has.’

“Yes, He has.”

Text from Luisa…

  “Are you going out of town this weekend?”

‘No, SDC is closed.’

“Laura looked really good today.  She is laughing again, which is nice to see.”

‘Good.  Yeah, she has been texting me a little.  Gosh, I missed that laugh.’