Chapter 50
October 1st, 2016. 9:01 P.M…
‘Hi Laura, how was your day?’
“It was good. How about you?”
‘It was very productive. I cleaned the house, vacuumed all the rooms, and put out my Halloween decorations. Now, I’m beat. I spent all evening taking a nap.’
“That’s good. I left you alone today, for you. It always feels good when things are cleaned.”
‘I wondered why I haven’t heard from you. Yeah, it does. I can’t get over this tired feeling. Last night, I was a little worried about how tired I was. I felt better when I woke up this morning, but tonight, I am beat again.’
“I know the feeling. I put my pink tree up today. Let me send you a picture. It’s not decorated yet.”
‘Aww… Your breast cancer tree. It looks taller than I remember. Is it the same one?’
“It’s the same size, 4 feet. No, last year I used one of my green trees. I bought this pink one when I bought my new Christmas tree.”
‘It looks good.’
“Thank you.”
‘Is it one of your favorite things? Do you have favorite things?’
“Yes. Lol.”
‘The carved bear that sits on the headboard of my bed, is probably my favorite thing. I like my old candlestick phone a lot too. I like to call that phone, my Barney Fife phone.’
“I like my trees. But my pictures are my favorite.”
‘I like to surround myself with pictures too.’
Sunday evening…
‘I have a question… Are you planning on going to the pumpkin patch with us tomorrow?’
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”
‘Well, I don’t know. Because you’re… Weak… Sick… Tired… Would rather not.’
“Don’t act like that! I’m fine. Believe me. It will be a nice day.”
‘I know you are fine. I didn’t know “for sure” if you were coming back to work or not.’
“Yes, I am coming back. All is good.”
‘So, what does that mean? Are you frustrated?’
“No. You just surprised me with your question. We talked about this, and I said I would be back next week. We would be helping Luisa and having fun. I am doing much better.”
‘I know you are. Sorry for asking. It’s just David said he didn’t want you to go back.’
“You’re fine. He is okay with it. It’s going to be a fun week. Let’s make it happen for everyone. We need this.”
‘Ok. Just don’t overdo it. Don’t forget, you are leaving for Vegas this weekend.’
Laura came to work just like she had planned. She acted fine. She looked fine. You would have never known she stepped foot into a hospital, let alone been told her cancer had spread.
She was bound and determined this week was going to be fun. Not just for her, but for everyone.
“Thanks Debbie, for today and thanks for lunch. Today was a good day. Can you bring me four care bags tomorrow? If you can pack them, I will include the letter. That would be awesome. Thank you so much for taking care of all this stuff and keeping it at your house.”
‘Not a problem. I have it all separated into boxes in my spare bedroom. Our cracker box is getting full. Someone donated a bunch of cookies too.’
“Yes, it is. Thanks for the picture. That is so good.”
A few hours later…
“I need one more bag. Total of 5. Also, can you close tomorrow? It is Lathrop’s ‘Pink Out’ game. Just let me know.”
‘Ok.’
“Ok to one more bag or ok to closing? Lol.”
‘It’s fine to both.’
“Are you sure? I’ll check with Rachel on what time I need to be there. Let me find out.”
‘It’s all good. Don’t worry about it.’
“I will. You know that.”
‘Why? It’s all good.’
“Just me. Rachel said like 6:15 or so. So, if you could come back at 5, I would have enough time. Are you mad at me?”
‘Stop worrying. It’s all fine. No, I am not mad.’
“Well, you’re quiet.”
‘I’m just tired.’
“Ok, Lol. Get some sleep. I know it’s a Monday. Tomorrow will be good. It’s pumpkin patch day again.”
We went to the pumpkin patch. Laura was still doing fine. She walked around like she had never been sick. When Laura said she was going to have fun this week, she meant every word she said. She joked and played with the kids. She shared in their joy as they found their pumpkins. She even posed for our yearly tradition, our pumpkin patch pose. I handed her two small pumpkins and told her to hold them out to her side. Smile Laura, I’m going to take your picture. She giggled, while trying her best to hold them out wide. I’m laughing. She’s laughing. Hold them up a little higher. I can’t! Just take the damn picture!! These suckers are heavy. There was Laura with a big smile upon her face. I sent the picture to the girls. I sent another one to the girls at work. Each one responding back with the same words… Love it!
Today, the cancer isn’t spreading. Today, cancer doesn’t exist. Today, the sun is shining down on Laura, as she has fun with her pre-k kids. I watched as she interacted with each one of them. The smile never left her face. Laura was living in the moment and taking in all that life had to give.
Tuesday evening…
‘Hey Laura, your pumpkin patch pose made it onto Facebook.’
“OMG. Really?”
‘Rachel said some heartwarming things about you. Go look.’
~ My wonderful mother. She is the strongest woman I know. She continues to fight every single day. She is very passionate and is always trying to find ways to help others. I miss you mom. I can’t wait to come home. ~
“I just saw it. I miss her.”
‘I know you do. She misses you too.’
Laura went to her follow-up appointment with Dr. M. He released her to go on her trip. At least, that is what she told us. I would bet you a hundred dollars, if he told her she couldn’t go, she would tell him she is going anyway. Laura wasn’t going to miss this trip for anything in the world.
During her visit, they talked about Houston. MD Anderson had been in contact with both. Laura would be going for her initial visit sometime in the next couple of weeks. I asked her if she knew any details. She said they would have to evaluate her first. But from what is sounds like, they will have a place for her in one of their clinical trials.
‘Do you have to go back to Dr. M. anytime soon?’
“No. Only if I need to.”
I have been waiting for months for Rory Feek’s movie to come out. The name of the movie ~ ‘To Joey, with Love.’ ~
When I first heard about this movie coming to theaters, I didn’t know it would be a limited release. That meant, it was only going to be shown for a limited time in select theaters. Luckily, I found a showing at a theater 20 miles away. Reservations were required ahead of time, so I asked Clint if he would go with me. He agreed, we purchased our tickets, and bravely walked through the theater doors. The movie was about cancer. The heartache and the journey. The outcome… We already knew wasn’t good. I knew this movie would hit close to home, but I also knew I needed to see it.
Throughout this book, I shared some of Rory’s stories. The stories I shared with Clint and Laura. Rory Feek is the author of the book, ~ This Life I Live ~ based on his wife’s journey. It was his blog that I connected with. His wisdom and outlook I admired. I couldn’t wait to watch the stories I have been reading about, come to life in front of my eyes. I packed my Kleenexes, took a deep breath, and sat down to watch it unfold.
I searched the internet to find the best description and stumbled upon the movie trailer. ~A documentary directed by Rory Feek. Telling a story of singers Joey and Rory Feek as they document the birth of their daughter and Joey’s battle with cancer. ~
I watched the trailer again. I watched it at least three times. I wanted to describe to you what this movie was about. I sat in front of my computer and decided the preview says it best…
In a series of pictures, music playing in the background, one word displays during each segment. It is these words that describe what this movie is all about… ~ Birth. Death. Joy. Pain. Laughter. Tears. Courage. Fear. Strength. Weakness. Faith. Doubt. Winning. Losing. One Family’s Story of Life, Love, Hope. ~ To Joey, With Love ~
You can find this trailer by Pure Flix on Youtube.com.
The movie ended. The theater was quiet. Many stayed in their seats.
I get a text from Amanda…
“They released the movie, ‘To Joey, With Love’ in Independence tonight. I am here watching it.”
‘That must have been a last-minute thing. I checked earlier and it wasn’t playing in our town.’
“Yes. I just found out.”
‘Did you go by yourself?’
“Yes, I am by myself.”
‘Oh boy!’ Here we go. Let me know what you think. It’s going to be sad.’
“Yep, I know. My mom is at my house watching my babies.”
‘Did you tell her where you were going? She asked me what movie Clint and I were going to. I told her, you don’t want to know. I said, it’s just a movie about a blog I follow.’
“Yes, I told her. She didn’t ask. She just said, enjoy.”
9:48 P.M…
‘I’m glad you went and saw it. I have been following his blog for a very long time. I remember seeing them years ago, when they first appeared on that TV show ‘Can You Duet’. I liked the way they sang. Joey, she is a beautiful human being. Watching the movie, I felt you could see it in her heart. What a special gift that is to possess in life.’
“Yes, I am glad too. I have been reading his blog as well. She is a beautiful person, I agree. It brought up lots of emotion for me, but I knew it would. It was beautifully done. I am excited to read his book.”
‘Yeah, I know what you mean. I think that is why I was a little nervous about seeing it. I like how he put the clips, along with their home movies, and turned it into a beautiful story. I will be buying his book too. How’s your mom doing? I haven’t talked to her.’
“She looked good when she came over. She left before I got back home. She looks good. I don’t know why, but I get a little nervous taking her on these big trips. We leave for Vegas in a couple of days.”
‘I would be too. She is very excited! I hope you two have a great time. You are a good daughter and friend to your momma. I hope you know it. Love you, sweet girl. Have fun and enjoy it all. Take lots of pictures.’
“Yep. I am looking forward to this (Insert smiley face). We will have fun. I love her so much! I will take many pictures. She said, we might even have some margaritas.”
‘You should! ‘Margaritaville’ margaritas are the best!’
Friday morning…
“Hi Debbie. Don’t forget to bring your hair clippers you can trim my hair before we leave. Please. Thank you.”
‘They are already in the Jeep.’
“Luisa and I are buying drinks for the girls today. What do you want? A coke?”
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll get my own. Just buy for the girls.’
6 P.M…
“Thanks for everything this week. I really appreciate all your help. We couldn’t have done it without you. Thank you. I really wish you guys were going with us. I do feel bad, but I will have fun for all of us. We will FaceTime the wedding. You have to be quiet. Lol. I need to learn to do that on my phone incase all goes well with Houston. I can’t wait for you and Luisa to be with me for a few days or a week. Thank you again for everything. Love you. Have a nice relaxing weekend. Stay positive next week. It will all work out.”
‘You’re welcome. It was fun hanging out in the baby room. Luisa and I had some interesting conversations. Please don’t feel bad that I’m not going to Vegas. It would have all worked out if it was meant to be. Have a good time. I heard you two might get a margarita. Their margaritas are so good. It will be a good time. Enjoy it! You girls deserve to have fun. Yes, Luisa and I will come visit you in Houston. We will have to find someplace there for Luisa to ride a mechanical bull. Ha! Have fun. Be careful. Stay healthy and enjoy it all. Love you.’
“That would be fun. Lol. Also, I need 6 bags for next week. Can you bring them on Wednesday?”
‘Ok, sure.’
“Thank you.”
Saturday afternoon…
‘It’s vacation time! Have a great time!! And remember… What happens in Vegas… Well, videotape all that crazy stuff. Luisa and I would love to see it. While you are on the plane, take a good long look at your sweet daughter sitting next to you. She has grown into your best friend. Enjoy your time together. Have a fantastic time and don’t forget to take lots of pictures.’
“I know. I love her. We will have fun. Have your phone ready for when we call.”
12:42 P.M. Group text. A picture of Amanda and Laura…
Amanda… “We’re headed to Vegas.”
Deb… ‘Have fun! Wish I was going.’
Rachel… “Have fun! Love you both!”
3:44…
“We made it. Hey Debbie, do you want Mom and I to FaceTime you at 4:00 (Vegas time) which is 6:00 (Your time) to watch the wedding?”
‘You may not be able to. They may have a no videotaping policy. A lot of places like that do. I didn’t want to tell your mom. I didn’t want her to be disappointed. If you can, sure. I will have my phone on me, either way. If you can’t, don’t worry about it. Take a few pictures if you can. I just want to see Stacey in her dress. Have a great time! We’ll be thinking of you guys.’
I get a phone call a little before wedding time. Amanda whispered… You were right. There’s no videotaping allowed. I guess they have an option to purchase the video from the Chapel. We can’t take any pictures of the ceremony either. We can take pictures before and after. That’s it. Sorry.
I figured that was going to be the case.
At 5:50 P.M. my phone goes off with multiple texts… One sent to me, the other to the group…
“Happy Wedding Day! Our first time in a Vegas Wedding Chapel.”
Deb… ‘Aww, she looks so pretty! Love her bouquet!’
Rachel… “So pretty! Love it!”
Amanda sent us a picture of Stacey and Laura. She took it before the wedding started.
These two have been friends since Stacey was 15 years old. They met at a local dance studio where Laura was taking her girls. When Stacey’s family decided to open their own dance studio, Laura decided to follow. They have been a family ever since.
The years went by, and the friendship grew. When Laura started working at the preschool, she asked Stacey if she wanted to help. At 18 years old, Stacey joined the school. She started off as the 2- & 3-year-old teacher and ended her career there as an assistant director. For over 25 years, Stacey has been by Laura’s side. Dance family. Preschool family. Friend.
To Laura… Stacey is one of her girls.
At 6:03 I get another text…
“It’s over! It’s the fastest wedding I have ever been to.”
‘Already?? Wow!’
“I know. Crazy! It felt like much longer. It was done and over and they were out the door. I will take a picture of the wedding party.”
‘Well, I’m glad you and your mom weren’t late! You would have missed it!’
I received a handful of pictures throughout the weekend. It looks like the girls are having a ball. They went to the Coca-Cola Store and Margaritaville. They enjoyed the sunshine and saw a show. They ended their evening at the casino, gambling away a whopping forty dollars.
“It is so nice here. The weather is perfect. Wish you were here.”
‘Yeah, me too. I’m wrapped up in a blanket. Glad you’re having fun. Are you doing, okay?’
“Yes. I have been pretty tired. I can’t walk like I used to. It sucks.’
‘You’re 54 years old!’
“I am 53!”
‘If you are having fun, then it doesn’t matter. What did you girls do today?’
“We sat by the pool and then took a drive to the ‘Pawn Stars’ shop, the one that is on TV. We took some pictures for David. I guess, he likes that show. We are getting ready to go eat at ‘Go Big or Go Home’. Guy Fieri’s restaurant from the cooking channel.
‘Clint likes the ‘Pawn Stars’ show too.’
“Well, tell him we went there.”
‘Are you having a good time?’
“Yes. I wish I could last longer walking.”
‘Are you walking to the restaurant?’
“No. Amanda dropped me off. She is parking the car.”
‘Don’t get all flustered. Consider it just a little hitch in your giddy-up.’
“Yep. I guess. Lol.”
At 10 P.M. I get another text…
“We are having fun! We ran into Stacey and the gang. Jennie is sick.”
‘Oh no! Poor Jennie, sick in Vegas.’
“I know. I feel for her. Here, look! I am up 4 cents.’
She sent a picture of the slot machine she was playing. A penny a spin, won her four cents. You go, Laura!
10:48 P.M…
“Well, I didn’t win tonight. I cashed out at $13.00.
Monday evening…
“How was Caleb at school today?”
‘He was fine. I made sure to check on him. Each time, he was busy playing.’
“So how was your day?”
‘Ha! Crazy as usual. We got a bag of stuff from the church lobby bin. Oh boy! You got to love little old ladies. Inside this sack was our list with checkmarks by the items. You’re not going to believe what was inside. Oh my gosh! There was some used lotion, an opened tube of Chapstick, and one sleeve out of a large box of crackers. God love her!’
“That is funny. What size shoes do you wear?”
‘Mostly 10. Some 9 ½.’
“Ok. Thank you. I told Kathy I needed off next week from Tuesday on. I haven’t heard back from her.”
‘She is kind of quiet today. What do you girls have planned for tonight?’
“We are at a show. It starts in 15 minutes.”
‘What show?’
“Mystere at Treasure Island.”
‘Is that a male strip show?’
“No! Lol.”
‘Have fun!’
“We will.”
Tuesday, October 11th, 2016. 8:47 A.M…
Laura… “On our way home. We’re at the Vegas airport.”
Deb… ‘Vacation is over (Sad face). Missed you, though.’
Luisa… “Yes Laura, we missed you. It’s a busy day. It’s picture day.”
Laura… “Missed you guys, too. Had a lot of fun. Ready to come home. We are on the plane now. I will text you when we get home.”
Luisa… “Ok. Love you.”
Amanda and Laura made it home safely. I believe they arrived home sometime around 1. I didn’t hear from her until later that night…
“How did picture day go?”
‘It was fine. How’s it going with you?’
“It’s going ok. You?”
‘Just watching TV.’
“Yeah, me too.”
Fifteen minutes later, I get this text…
“You know, I will do anything to be here and be with my family and friends. Have you ever thought about how much time I might have? Don’t be mad or upset. I just want to know.”
‘What do you mean? About MD Anderson or life in general?’
“Life in general.”
‘Well… Sometimes, I let myself go there. It’s just not in me to feel that way. How can I explain this?? Give me a second. I’ll try to respond…’
I had to take a few minutes to think about this. I knew I couldn’t blow it off like I had before. This cancer journey is getting rough. Laura is trying, but she’s not winning. I’m not real sure how I’m going to answer this. I sat there quietly for a few more minutes. I decided to write what came to my heart…
‘When my mom was sick, I had some deep conversations with God. I prayed, I asked, and I received. I had so many weird, unexplainable things that kept happening to me. I know we talked about signs, I had those, but I also had these deep feelings inside. My mom came very close to dying. That happened more than once. But… I didn’t believe it was her time. I knew she was in bad shape. I understood she might not make it. I remember asking God… Give me 5 more years. That’s all I asked for. God gave me almost 8. I didn’t have that feeling that she could die soon. Sure, I tried to prepare myself. I tried to get there. But that feeling just wasn’t there. My mom got well. She was happy. God answered my prayer. All along, I believed what I felt deep inside. Fast forward to you… You have cancer. I had the what-ifs and I tried to let myself go there. I couldn’t stay there because I just didn’t feel it. I have the same feeling as I did with my mom. Right now, I don’t believe that anything is going to happen. Ok, maybe years down the road when we are old. I believe if it was your time, it would have already happened by now. I know this is confusing and hard to explain, but the times that I have thought about it, those other feelings override. It’s hard for me to think about it because those thoughts just don’t stay there. I believe God is telling me… Believe in Me. Trust Me like before.
So, to answer your question… No! Now, you answer the question.’
“I believe and trust. I just know from reading; the odds are not in my favor. I know. I know. I don’t want to think that way. I have never asked the question. I don’t know if I want to know. It’s just so scary. What if they can’t help me because it has spread too far? What if it gives me a few more years? All these what-ifs. I want to be here. I am not ready. I don’t want to leave and not do the things I was supposed to do. It’s just scary.”
‘Can I ask you a question?’
“Yep.”
‘Have you told God… You are not ready yet. Have you told Him that you still have His work to do?’
“Yes, many times.”
‘What is the answer? What do you feel deep inside?’
“That I am here each day and I feel better able to do things.”
‘Do you feel this only in that moment or longer?’
“Longer.”
‘Believe that! Not statistics.’
Our conversation went quiet for several minutes.
‘Okay, I have wondered this many times… Why me? Why was I the one chosen to walk this path with you? Why am I the one in your life? You keep saying, you know why. I have flipped that question around on you… Why are you in my life? I let you ‘in’ where only a handful of people have been. To know me in a way that most people would have no idea. Heck, you know more about me than my friend, Teresa, ever did. She knew a lot! I opened up that more serious side of me. I opened up the way I think. You know, most people think I’m just easy-going and funny. I do not believe God would place you in my life this way if He was going to take you. It is hard for me to believe He would take someone else from me. In that journal, you read about the people I have lost. Those people had a deep meaning to me. I just can’t make myself believe God would do that to me again. So, if God tells me… If only one person believes… Well, I guess I’m your one person.’
I quickly sent another text…
‘And with that thought… You might want to consider being nicer to me. Quit giving me all those mean looks. Ha!’
“I know you are here in my life for a reason, and I am in yours for a reason. I know I couldn’t have gone thru this journey without you. This next step is a big one. I say that it doesn’t bother me that some people don’t understand, but it does a little. Any of us could die today or tomorrow. I could have 2 months, a year, maybe even 5 years. I don’t know. I will try.”
‘People handle things differently, Laura. I don’t know how to fix that. You could always have a talk with those who don’t understand.’
“The talk will come, when the time is right.”
‘Are you afraid to be in Houston by yourself? I know, David will have to come back home.’
“No. I’m not afraid to be by myself.”
‘Houston is a good thing. God directs our steps.’
“Yes, He does. Thanks, Deb. Goodnight.”