Chapter 38
‘I know this is not an official ‘chemo day’, but there is something I want to share. I told you how I follow Rory Feek’s blog. He is that fellow that recently lost his wife. He is raising their 2-year-old little girl with Down Syndrome. He is writing about their weekend at camp. He wrote about what they have done, and how these little kids find joy in the things that we take for granted. He said his favorite part of the weekend was meeting a 12-year-old little girl who was blind. A moment he said, he will never forget. She was recently given the chance to see, by wearing some new glasses. She called them, ‘her magic goggles’. Saturday evening, they were invited by the owner of the camp to watch the sunset over the pond with this young girl and her momma. Rory spoke how he has seen thousands of sunsets in his lifetime, but not a sunset like this one. He said, when you are with someone who is getting to see everything with brand new eyes, it changes how you look at things. He talked about how they sat and listened as she explained how her ‘magic goggles’ work. His own little girl crawled up into his lap. They sat together to watch the sun as it set behind the trees. As he watched… He felt like he was the one who had new eyes. He looked at his little girl who has Down Syndrome, with much clearer vision. It was neat how he wrote about seeing the wonder in her eyes. He said… In her eyes, everything is new, perfect, and good. He found himself realizing that no matter how hard life seems sometimes, or how much pain and hurt we are in, God gives us ‘new eyes’ each and every day. Eyes to see the good in life and all that He is trying to show us. He ended this with… “I want to have the faith of a child and feel that kind of joy. I want to be courageous like all these special little ones and their parents at this camp. They take the difficult hand that God has dealt them and find every opportunity they can to turn it into something beautiful.” ~ Rory Feek.~
Maybe this is something you don’t need or maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you, but it is definitely a message I love to hear. It applies to every area in life, with all its daily struggles. Sometimes I get off track. My eyes get cloudy. Sometimes I let stuff get inside of me. Stuff that tears me up. I don’t like the way it makes me feel. My joy and peace get pushed away. I don’t like that feeling. We all need to be reminded to look for the good. Look for the new things that God is trying to show us. If we stop and focus on those sunsets in this world, maybe our peace and joy will return.’
“That was good. This story is so true. Need to look outside the box. When you think you have it bad, there is always someone who has it worse. Be thankful every day. So, what have you been doing?”
‘Not much. This afternoon I was sitting by the window at Bass Pro. I sat in one of those chairs that look out over the lake. It was nice to sit and soak up some sun. While sitting there, this guy lands on the post right outside my window. (I sent a picture of a bright red cardinal). I said to this little guy, don’t move so I can take a picture. He sat there for a good 5 minutes. Pretty cool. Funny thing was, he flew away, then came back and sat there a few minutes more.’
No answer…
‘I have to tell you this part… As I was sitting there, I said to myself… I wonder who is coming to visit me. Is it you Mom? Or is it my friend, Teresa? Let me know who you are, if you can. I get up and walk away and a song starts playing on the store’s intercom. It was the song that always reminds me of Teresa. Crazy.’
Still no answer…
Two hours later, I received this text…
“Just so you know, I am ok. Just pissed and don’t feel like talking. My Potassium is low, 2.9. The range for normal is 3.0-5.0. I have to go back tomorrow to have it rechecked. Just frustrated and done with everything. It just sucks. My quick visit turned into 2 hours.”
‘How much did you weigh?’
“The same.”
Wednesday, April 27th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Had to go in and do labs today. Potassium is down again. Have to go back on Thursday to get it rechecked. They were able to give me smaller pills to take. Now I take 2 a day. Potassium was 2.9. They didn’t like that. So, I will take the pills. Feeling tired. Tonight, we are celebrating David’s birthday. Everyone is coming to dinner. It was a good night.”
8:49 P.M text from Amanda…
“Mom says she wants to be done. She doesn’t want to take the potassium. She is upset and always feels like her stomach is empty because of the way they make her take the clinical trial drug. She is getting sick. She has never been sick before. The meds last year didn’t make her this sick. I don’t know what to say anymore. I know it is hard. I am not doing it personally, but it is hard emotionally and draining on me too.”
‘I know. She sent me a text earlier about the potassium counts. She said, she was pissed (Her words). She didn’t want to talk, so I left her alone. We went out of town this past weekend and on Sunday, she sent me a text saying she was going stir crazy. I told her I was coming over and we would go for a drive. She was frustrated that day too. She said the same thing to me. So, I let her vent. We sat at Sonic for a while. She was getting worked up and starting to ache. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk to see if that would help. She wanted to go home. She was quiet with her eyes closed all the way back to her house. I told her to take a pain pill to see if that would help. It did. Then Monday, she was much better. Monday she was happy and good. She was even laughing. Think about it… Scans are next week. Even though your mom is a strong person and would never say it, but I’m sure she is nervous about those scans coming up. Why doesn’t she want to take the potassium pills? Because they are too big? If you look up the symptoms of low potassium, it says muscle cramps, aches, diarrhea, and nausea. Hmmm.’
“Interesting. Maybe you should tell her that. Yes, the pill is big. They gave her smaller ones today or she could pick up the liquid they prescribed.”
‘Ok, I will tell her.’
9:22 P.M.
‘Hey Laura, I looked up the symptoms of low potassium. The symptoms are… Muscle cramps, aches, nausea and diarrhea. There you go.’
“Crap.” “I don’t want to talk. Sorry.”
Thursday, April 28th, 2016…
“It was an ok day. Need to pack and wrap presents for the showers this weekend. Not feeling well today. I rested most of the day. Threw up tonight. A lot. It was not pretty. I am so frustrated with this chemo cycle. Last year, I never threw up and this year, well, I have a lot. I will have a lot of work to do in the morning before we leave for Iowa. This weekend is going to be cold.”
My text from Luisa…
“Good morning Debbie. I did not have a very good night. I was dreaming about Laura, and it was not a good night. You can tell that she is tired and weak. You can tell for sure she has lost weight in her face. I feel bad for my little friend.”
‘I do too, Luisa. I know she is tired. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I sent her a long text about a blog I was following. I will send it to you.’
“We need her to snap out of it. I won’t see her tomorrow because she is going out of town. Thanks for sharing that story. That is amazing and true. We should see everything God has put here for us. See it with our eyes and feel with our hearts.’
12:55 P.M. text to Laura…
‘How did your appointment go?’
“Ok. I am at 3.1”
‘Well good. Are you happier?’
“Yes.”
‘Still not wanting to talk to anyone???’
“No. Not now.”
At 5:57 that night…
“Ok, I will talk now. I’m just very frustrated. Just want to feel good. I don’t want to cough. I don’t want to be tired. I just want to be good. I don’t even have any presents wrapped. I’m not packed or anything. Just so tired.”
‘I know. Luisa is very worried about you. She is a good friend, a really good friend.’
“I know. So how is the list going for the baseball game?”
‘I don’t know. I guess I need to figure out if I am going or not. Ha!’
“Lol. You’re going.”
‘So, are you ok?’
“Yes. Just frustrated.”
‘Are you going to take the stupid pill?’
“I took it.”
Two hours later…
“I just threw up. A lot! I hate this. I really do.”
‘Sorry, Laura. I wish you could catch a break. Do you have any medicine for nausea?’
“Yes.”
‘Take some.’
Cancer affects so many people… The person, the family, the co-workers and friends. We don’t always know what to say or how to feel. We don’t always know what to do or how to help. Oh, we try our best to be that encourager, we try our best to bring a little light into a person’s day. But when the struggle lasts much longer than it should have, the words of comfort slip away. The people around the person with cancer, they get tired too.
Hearts are breaking all around for Laura. No one wants to see her this way. There comes a point when you can no longer fix the mood. The words start to sound repeated, and the confidence goes away.
Through discouragement and depression… In moments like these, it seems like cancer takes the win.
I sent this to Laura, late that evening…
‘Friends don’t always know what you feel or experience. Unless a person has been through the same thing, we just can’t comprehend how you feel. But… As a friend who has a friend going thru this bad stuff, I can tell you what those friends feel. We hurt too. Your friends hate to see someone they love and care about be so sick and so sad. When a person gets down, the people around them get down too. We just want to see our friend happy and well. Your family and friends love you. You have so many people who are praying for you. They believe in you, Laura. Look around. You’re surrounded by people who care.’
At 5:30 the next morning she responded to this text…
“Thanks Deb. I am trying. I keep praying each day is better. This is supposed to be my good week. Crap. I feel like I take a step forward and I get pushed 2 steps back. I want so bad to be better, every part of me. I am trying. I know I am up and down with emotions. Sometimes I just don’t want to say anything to anyone, because it’s just another bad day. Some people understand, and others… Sometimes I just wish people can walk a day in my shoes. It’s tough and I have wanted to give up, but I can’t. I can’t because of my girls, Caleb, Elizabeth, David, my family and friends. It would be easy to do, but I will fight. It has to get better. Right? Thank you always, for your kind words.”
‘Yeah, I get it. I remember people asking me questions. I said, it is just because it’s one of your bad days. They would bring up a day or two earlier and question that. I said… Well, then that was a good day. That’s how it is. Some days are really good, but the next one can be so bad. I know it sucks, Laura. I don’t worry too much about you when you are pissed off. I know you are frustrated and have to work thru it. It’s when you get sad and depressed, that’s when I get concerned. I think you know why on that. I don’t want you to give up. Maybe this next round, they can change what medications they are giving you. That, or cut back on your dosage. I DO think it’s going to get better. At least, I am hoping so. For a minute, I thought this was like old times. I looked at the clock to see if it was 4:47. We have had many of these early morning conversations before. I want you to know… Stacey and Luisa are the only ones who know how rough your days are. Okay? No one else knows. There are a ton of people who care about you. They are giving you so much love and support. I see it all around you. Heck, the girls at work wrote words of encouragement and put pictures up on the wall, all just for you. Those girls love you. They are praying for you every day.’
“Thanks, Deb. I know there are a lot of people who care. I’m getting there. I better get up. I have a lot to do. Thanks. Love you.”
‘Let me know how your day goes. Hopefully you will feel better. I don’t know how my boys think I can write a book. That text I just sent you took me 45 minutes to write. Good grief.’
“Well, we all know you can do it.”
Friday, April 29th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Got everything done for Iowa. Left the house about noon to go pick up Amanda and Elizabeth. We picked up my wig today. It is ok. Feeling pretty good today. Drove all the way to Rachel’s house in Iowa. Got pizza for dinner and then went to the first Bridal shower. It was very nice. Met a lot of Austin and Rachel’s friends. It was a good time. Caleb went to Urgent Care tonight, he hurt his little finger. It got smashed in the bathroom door. Not broken, but they did wrap his finger. He was in pain. I felt bad that we were not there. Rachel joked and said that the next time everyone is coming. No one is staying home. Lol.”
Saturday April 30th, 2016…
“Went to Men’s Warehouse and picked out a tux for the wedding. Austin’s family got fitted and then went to lunch. Amanda, Mom, and I went and found a dress for Elizabeth for the wedding. It is perfect. Cream color, lite weight and sleeveless. Has a blue bow and a hair bow. The underpants match the dress with ruffles. It was perfect. Then we went to Pella, Iowa to see the tulips. They were beautiful. It was a cute little town. We had a good time even though the weather was crappy. Elizabeth slept the whole time we were gone. She was so cute. Grandma Lois really got close to her this weekend. We had a good time with her. We got home about 7 that evening.”
Sunday, May 1st, 2016…
“Time for shower number 2. This was at Austin’s parent’s house. It was family and friends. It was very nice. Rachel and Austin got a lot of great gifts and gift cards. They are doing quite well. The food was great. We had a good time today. We left to head home around 4. I was able to drive to Cameron, then Amanda drove the rest of the way home. Got to Amanda’s house about 7. I got home at 8:30. Feeling very tired. It is good not to have to take my pills for the next 3 days. I am excited.”
Monday, May 2nd, 2016…
“Feeling pretty good today. Worked around the house and then went into work. Stayed for a meeting at 6:00. Got home around 7. Feeling pretty good. Getting tired.’
“Hey Deb, want to go to lunch?”
‘Sure.’
“Chipotle?”
‘Ok. I will be done here in a few. What time?’
“How about 12:30?”
I met Laura for lunch. We talked about work, the showers, and her weekend trip. There was only a slight mention of the CT scan that was coming up tomorrow. This scan will determine how well the cancer trial is working. I let it be her lead if she wanted to talk about how she was feeling. She chose to stay quiet. The conversation never went there. Instead, I told her a story that Brandi shared with me the night before. Brandi is friends with a young couple on Facebook. These friends of hers just had a baby boy. The little boy Brandi was telling me about was born with multiple, serious health concerns. The life this young couple was about to live would be filled with challenging issues from now on.
This was a story that touched my heart. It stayed with me all day and most of the night.
My Tuesday morning text…
‘I can’t get that young couple and their baby out of my mind. Brandi told me how they prayed to God for the best timing to start a family. Soon after, they were pregnant. Brandi said… These two have so much faith and love. They will be amazing parents to this little baby. They will not see a child who has issues, they will see a perfect one. That’s just who they are. Sometimes, it doesn’t make any sense. Why does it always happen to the good ones? We all wonder about those who do bad things or don’t care about their kids, how they have perfectly healthy babies. Don’t’ get me wrong, I believe that everyone should be blessed with a healthy child. We don’t always understand though when it’s the other way around. Here is a young Christian couple who has prayed so hard. They deserve a healthy baby too. But… God sees them as the perfect parents for this little boy. God knows.
My mind went to your situation, your cancer. God says… Trust Me. In the middle of our everyday lives, God says… Trust Me. This young couple given a brand-new baby, the beginning of a new life, and God says… Trust Me. They prayed for a baby. They asked God for the perfect timing. God gives them a baby. God places this baby boy in their arms and says… Trust Me.
I read some of their page. The mother talked about how God has such great plans for him. She was overjoyed talking about how much they love him. This young couple put their trust in God. You can see why this cute little boy was chosen for them. Things don’t always make sense. We may never understand all the reasons and whys. But we must know this… God knows. No matter what our situations in life may be, challenged in some way or another, or not. How are we going to answer? How are we going to live our lives when God says… Trust Me?’
I sent a picture of this most precious baby. Underneath, I wrote… His name is Luke.
“That is so true. God has a plan. The little boy is a reminder of God’s love for us and to trust him. Thank you.”
Laura had her CT scan taken that day. She should know the results tomorrow.
6:26 P.M…
“Don’t feel well.”
‘What doesn’t feel good?’
“I think I might have a sinus infection. I don’t want this. I can’t do it. My heart is beating fast. Has been for the last two days. Been taking my medicine to slow it down. My head on the front is hurting and my nose is so dry. I don’t want to start this new cycle feeling bad. I can’t.”
‘You’re going to see the doctor tomorrow. I bet she will hold off on the new cycle of meds if you’re sick. Are you worrying about the scans?’
“Nope. Not worrying. Can you do me a favor and go get me some sinus medicine? Please. I don’t feel like driving.”
‘What kind do you want?’
“I don’t care. Anything for sinus. This sucks.”
‘Okay, give me a few minutes. I have to pick up my dishes. Do you need anything else? A drink?’
“Yes, please.”
‘Tea or sprite?’
“Sprite. Thank you.”
My nine o’clock text from Amanda…
“Thanks for taking my mom some medicine. I am really worried about her. Thank you.”
‘No problem. I told her my head was hurting too. It could just be the weather. I asked her if she was worried about the scan results. She said… No. I can’t see how anyone would NOT be worried about it. I bet there is a little anxiety going on. It’s okay if she says she’s not. That is good ‘self-talk’. She told me she had a great weekend, so that is good. I asked her to let us know how tomorrow goes. If she doesn’t… Please send me a text. I am believing for good news.’
“Thanks. I am super anxious. I just want good results. Some good news would be great.”
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2016. Journal entry…
“Today was rough. Really tired. Not feeling well. Deb brought me some sinus medicine and a drink. Just no energy. Not a very good day. I think today hit me from the weekend. Had my CT scan today, then went to lunch with Amanda. Tried to dress shop but didn’t find anything at Macy’s or Dillard’s. Went to the Hallmark store, but I sat in the car. Just worn out.”
Wednesday morning, I sent a text…
‘I’m believing for good news today. Hope you are too. I should have saved my words of wisdom from yesterday and sent them today. Ha! Hey, I’m only one person. I only have so much good stuff in a one-week time span. Just go ahead a re-read yesterday’s text. We will call that a chemo day message. (Insert smiley face). I hope the news is good. Let me know how things go. We will miss you today. Our end of the year field trip has always been our big day to relax. Oh, and to catch some sun, of course. Maybe I will go walk the trail today. We will see. Hope you are feeling better.’
“Thanks. Have fun. I’ll miss being there too.”
Group text from Amanda…
“Her scans came back good. The chest wall lesion is gone. The lymph nodes and the other area in the right lung are decreasing. She does have a haziness that they attribute to bronchitis from February (Her cough). They are doing a steroid for 5 days. That should help the cough and decrease the lung inflammation. She doesn’t have to take her pills for 5 days, so she is happy about that. She will get her chemo today. Thanks for your prayers. Happy, happy news.”
Wednesday, May 4th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Drs. appt. Today, we received good news. The chest wall spot is gone. There were two others that they didn’t comment on that were resolved. The lymph nodes decreased in size. The other spot had decreased in size too. It was good news. So happy and feeling very blessed. Got some medicine for my cough. They gave me a steroid. There was some shadowing that appeared on the CT chest scan that wasn’t there before. But the cough came after that 1st scan. So hopefully, this will help. Feeling good. Don’t have to take the pills until Sunday. That’s good. We celebrated and ate at The Cheesecake Factory. It was so cold in the restaurant but a good day all around. So glad that this treatment is working and what I have gone through was worth it. God is Good.”
7:51 P.M. text…
‘How are you doing?’
“Good. Just resting.”
‘How’s your sinuses?’
No answer…
9:00 P.M.
‘So, what’s wrong?’
No answer…
11:24 P.M.
‘I fell asleep. If you are thinking what I am pretty sure you are thinking about… You better stop! Everything is fine!’
4:00 A.M. Thursday…
“Sorry, I fell asleep as well. I am fine. The fatigue set in. I needed to rest. Was jittery and I was quiet. I get that way. I am happy. All is good. Now for Rachel to find a job in Iowa. Send prayers.”
‘Things will work out for Rachel just how they are supposed to.’
“I know they will. I know God has a plan for her. He has been by her side this whole time.”
‘Yeah, God has got it all figured out for these girls. Do you know she will be moving just about the same time as Brandi did? The 30th of this month will be 1 year. Wow! That went by fast.’
“I know. Crazy.”
‘I am happy about your news. You’re getting there, Laura. I know it has been hard. It’s been really hard, but it’s working. Before too long, all will be clear. Thanks for keeping on. The other day when I was at Bass Pro looking out the window and that cardinal came by… Remember me telling you? I said… Who is visiting me? When I got up and walked away, the next song that played over the speaker was the song that always reminds me of my friend, Teresa. It’s weird because I hardly ever hear it anymore, when I do, it is always on a CD. I always manage to have a talk with her whenever I hear it. After the wow factor went away, I asked her if you were going to be alright. I heard two things deep inside… Yes, you were going to be okay and the second… She is still going to need your help. I know it’s still going to be a rough road. There will still be good days and bad. I’m just hoping maybe they won’t be so bad this next round of treatment. Maybe you can handle it a little easier. You’ll get thru it. I know you will. God has got you, Laura. He always has.’
“Thanks, Deb. You are my best friend. Tell Teresa, thanks for sharing you with me. Next time I see a red cardinal, I will tell her myself.”
‘God is always giving us signs. Isn’t He? It’s 4:30. Go to sleep. Good night. Oh wait… Good morning.’