Chapter 37
Tuesday, April 19th, 2016. Journal entry…
“I’m feeling pretty good today. My sisters from Fort Scott are coming up for a few days. We are going to have some sister & mom pictures taken today over by Bass Pro. Had a really good time. The pictures were good. Had a nice lunch at Bass Pro talking about stuff for Rachel’s wedding. It was a good time. After that, we all went to the cemetery to visit Dad. We put some fresh flowers on his grave. It was good and sad at the same time. We miss him so much. The tombstone looks very nice. My sister, Debbie, helped me ice the dinosaur cookies. I messed the icing up. It was too thin. It was a mess. This was not my best work. Oh well, they are bagged and done. I will drop them off at the preschool tomorrow for the school play. It has been a busy day.”
Wednesday, April 20th, 2016…
“Treatment day. My sister, Debbie, and Amanda went with me to treatment. Today is also my Dad’s anniversary of his death. Miss you so much Dad. Love you. Lost 2 more pounds today. Had to cut my chemo treatment down by a little. I need to quit losing weight. Trying to find something that tastes good. It’s hard but I am trying. Treatment went ok. Drove Debbie and I back to my mom’s house. We had dinner with my sisters, Aunt Carol, and Uncle Dale. It was a good visit, but I was getting so tired. It’s been a long day. Came home and visited with Debbie before she left to go to Brenda’s house. Glad she came up to visit. Miss her being around. Threw up tonight and had diarrhea. Wish I could figure this out.”
I haven’t been texting Laura because I knew she had out of town guests. I sent a text to Amanda to see how the day went…
‘How did things go today?’
“Good. She is getting her chemo. They reduced it since she has lost 10% of her body weight.”
‘How much did she weigh?’
“124.6”
‘Oh boy! Do you know what her starting weight was?’
“She was like 140.”
‘That’s what I thought. Glad she is in a better mood. Hope that continues.’
“Yes. We are talking about drinking some smoothies with Boost and ice cream.”
‘I haven’t talked to her much the last couple of days. I know she’s had company. It’s probably a good thing. I wasn’t too happy with her. I was afraid I would say the wrong thing. The last time I was with her, she wouldn’t even try to eat. Just like she told you, she is afraid she would get sick. Well guess what? She is sick anyway. So, what’s the difference?’
“Yeah, I understand. The nurse got on her about her weight.”
8:30 that evening, Laura sent me a text…
“You ok?”
‘Yeah, I’m ok.’
“You’re not texting me. What’s going on?”
‘You’ve had company.’
“Not now.”
‘Maybe I am just quiet.’
“Why? You mad at me?”
‘I’m just not sleeping good.’
“How come? What’s on your mind?”
‘Yes, I was mad at you. That was a couple of days ago. I was mad because you’re a stubborn ass. I don’t want anything to happen to you. I wrote you a big long text explaining it all, but I didn’t send it. I’m not mad anymore.’
“Why are you mad at me? You have done so much to help me. It’s me. I have to fight thru this. Remember? You said it yourself, I need to fight. I still need you to help me. Don’t give up on me.”
‘I’m not giving up on you.’
“You’re mad at me.”
‘No, I’m not mad. I’m really not. I WAS. I just want you to take care of yourself.’
I had a lot to learn back in this part of this journey. I felt a person had a little more self-control. As time has passed, I realize cancer has a tougher hold. Maybe it’s like this with any kind of sickness, maybe the power to take control is tougher than we think. I can remember back to my short days of depression. The people around me would tell me to be happy. It wasn’t that easy for me and I’m sure it’s not that easy for others. I don’t think any of us choose to feel what we are feeling. Sure, I was mad. I believe I was more frustrated. Those of us on the outside have a clearer picture of those who are sliding down a hole. I sent Laura that draft of a text. Maybe at that moment I was still mad. I couldn’t sit by and watch my friend fade away.
‘So now you’re not going to say anything? Okay, you want it?? Here you go. I’ve always been honest with you before. So, here’s what I have to say…
I have given you enough time. Now I’m going to tell you what I really feel. This is probably going to make you mad. I’m okay with that. Yeah, the other day, I was SO pissed off at you. It probably was a good thing you were busy. I was mad enough that if you never spoke to me again… Well, I was ok with that. Now… I will tell you the nicer version. Snap out of it! I have been with you on this road from the beginning. I have seen you much worse than this. I’ve seen you sick. I’ve seen you tired. I’ve seen you after they injected that red stuff in you. I know… Your stomach can’t handle food. I also know I’m not in your situation. Go ahead and tell me… I know. But let me tell you what I do know. I look at you and I see my mom. I hear the same words come out of your mouth as they did out of her’s. You hang your head the same. Your stomach is the same. Your taste buds are the same. And now… Your body is the same. She said the exact same things you say. She didn’t have cancer, but the result of her sickness is the same as yours. Carbon copy. My mom had no energy. Not even to visit with us. She got to the point where she would rather sleep than see us. I remember driving three hours to their place at the lake. We all were excited to see her. The kids wanted to see their grandma. She sat in the chair in front of us with her head held down just like you. She got up and went to her bedroom and slept the rest of the day. She didn’t care if we were there. I used to beg her to eat. I asked her to do it for me. She said the same things that you say… Tastes bad. Stomach hurts. Constipation or diarrhea. The same exact things. The reason her stomach was so upset was because the only thing she had on it was medicine. She wouldn’t eat. She wouldn’t try. At some point, your stomach starts rejecting food because it’s not used to it. Sure it’s going to feel upset. Yes, she got better. She pushed through. I had to beg her to eat the entire way. The more she ate, the better her stomach felt. The result of that, came back the weight. I remember driving home one weekend, I blurted out… Woo hoo! Clint looked at me funny not knowing what was going on. I guess I was thinking out loud. I was so happy that weekend. I was happy to see that my mom was back. She looked alert, happy, and good. Now let me tell you the side of all this, you don’t see. There was nothing on earth harder for me, than watching my mom dwindle away. Now I’m watching you. Your girls are watching you. My mom was a wonderful person. She was happy and she was fun. She was the best Grandma you could ever want. When Brandi was little, she loved going to the lake so she could sleep with Grandma in her big bed. They would talk and giggle for hours. As soon as we got to the lake… It was all about Grandma. My son, as a little boy, he never got to know his Grandma like that. He got to see her hang her head. I’m sure he has seen her cry and I know he has seen her weak. All because she wouldn’t eat. He missed out on a lot. Laura, I know chemo makes you tired. I know it changes your taste. But YOU have the power to put food in your mouth or not. You did it before. You did it last year. Well, you can do it again. You keep telling me, you feel sick when you eat. Well guess what? You feel sick anyway. So eat! You feel sick because your stomach hasn’t had anything on it except medicine. Once you start to eat and get passed this stage, you will feel better. You will be able to handle it. Think back… You can do it, Laura. I know you can. You have done it before. Do it for Caleb. Do it for your kids. Each bite you take, ask God for His help. Say… This bite is for my babies. I know without a doubt you would fight like hell for those kids. Then fight!’
I waited a few minutes and sent another text…
‘I’m not mad anymore. I WAS. This was how I was feeling a couple of days ago. Now, are you mad?’
“No. I get it. I understand.”
‘I got over the being mad part, now I’m just sad. I need you to believe in yourself. Do you know what I mean?’
No answer…
‘Okay, I need you to talk to me now.’
No answer…
‘You know I’m going to get on your case. We made a deal. We are in this together. I need you to help me too. I know sometimes I can be too hard.’
Laura finally answered…
“I don’t know what to say, except I am sorry. I don’t mean to hurt anyone. This is hard. I think the biggest thing for me is that there is no end. I want an end. A good end. That’s hard. To know that I have to keep doing this for a while, is just hard. I am trying. I just have to push thru this.”
This time, I didn’t know how to answer her.
Dang it! I probably shouldn’t have said anything. I feel like I have pushed too hard. I’m usually an easy-going person. I have never been one who likes to argue. This is hard for me too. I feel like I’m losing my friend. I had to make things right or I would never be able to sleep.
11:07 P.M. I sent this text…
‘I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry I got mad at you. I’m sorry I was so harsh. I just want you to be you again. You’re my best friend. I need you to be alright. I know I have to let you be quiet and sad at times. Obviously, you don’t like me to be that way either. When you get down, it’s hard, because I can’t make any of this better. I didn’t like what I saw the other day. That wasn’t you, Laura. That was more like me a few years ago. You… You are stronger than me. You really are one tough human being. Believe that. I’m sorry if I hurt you. We’ve been through some pretty sucky stuff lately. You’re a good person to have in life. Sorry if I woke you. I had to say this, or I will be thinking about it all night. You’re my friend. I am not giving up on you. Got it? Don’t give up on me.’
I went to sleep feeling a little better. I needed to apologize because this is just not like me. I’m not sure if she will respond and that’s okay. This journey is so damn tough. Why does it have to get so much harder? I don’t know why, and I don’t know what else to do.
Early that next morning, I received a handful of texts…
8:45 A.M.
“Thanks Deb. You didn’t hurt me. I needed the wake-up call again. I don’t ever want to hurt or upset you or anyone. I am sorry I got down. It just happened. I will fight this and be a better person from this. This will not win. I just have to figure it out. Thought I could this time. I figured out a few things. I will get there. Just don’t give up on me. You are my best friend. You know too much on me. Lol. I am going to try and come into work today. I slept good and feel okay right now. I’m still in bed. I need to get up and get ready. See you soon.”
11:02 A.M.
“I am coming. Be there in about 5 minutes.”
Thursday, April 22nd, 2016. Journal entry…
“Went to the play at school today. I was a few minutes late. The kids did good. I was feeling pretty good. Visited with all the girls. Had a quick lunch with Luisa and Deb. Went home to rest. Overall feeling pretty good.”
And just like that, Laura was back. She climbed up out of that dark hole. We never talked about the ‘dark place’. We already did. It’s time to move on.
7:52 P.M. text…
‘I guess I didn’t tell you the full story. When you said you were going to be there in five minutes, I told Kathy to stall the start of the play. I told her we have to wait. She questioned me on what to say. I simply said… Tell them why. She did really good. She told them about how our play originated from the book ‘The Dinosaur Stomp’. She told the parents how 15 years ago, you read this book and decided to turn it into a play. How you thought it would be a cute skit for the kids to put on. She talked about your cancer, and how you haven’t been feeling well. She said… ‘She’s on her way up to school. We just got a text that she is a few minutes away. If you wouldn’t mind, we would like to wait for Ms. Laura. We have always done this play together and she has never missed a year. It’s important to her and it’s important to us. We would like to have her here with us.’ Kathy did a great job explaining it to the parents. Everyone was understanding. You could tell they really cared. We were glad you were there too.’
“Thank you. Glad I made it thru my brain.”
A minute later…
“Chemo.”
What??? I didn’t even know how to answer that. So, I left it alone. Thirty minutes later, I received another text…
“So, no response?”
‘Hahahaha! I started to text you 3 different times. Each time I wrote out the same thing. I stopped myself because I thought it would be bad of me. Haha! What I’m going to say is… I sure am glad you talked me into keeping all these texts. Some of them make absolutely NO sense.’
‘See, there is a reason. LOL.”
‘Good Lord, you crack me up!’
“Lol. That’s my job.”
‘So, what the hell were you trying to say up there?’
“I don’t know. Lol.”
‘Hahahaha! Still laughing.’
“That’s good. Because chemo brain is kicking in. Lol.”
‘YOU THINK?’
“Yes, I know.”
‘Oh boy!’
“Haha.”
‘I seriously wrote out the same text 3 separate times then erased them. I was going to say… Whaaaat?? Haha. When you sent… “So, no response.” I cracked up. I’m still laughing about it now. Good thing it’s only in texts and you’re not pulling a Martha.’
“Omg.”
I’m not even going to tell you what pulling a Martha is. Some of you will know and some won’t. If you need to know, get ahold of me and I will tell you. I will leave it as…. It’s a story we heard about forgetfulness, one that made us laugh.
‘Hey Laura, read this one…
~Empaths be like… I don’t just listen to your words. I listen to your use of words, your tone, your body movements, your eyes, your subtle facial expressions. I interpret your silences. I can hear everything you don’t say in words.~ Higher Perspective~’
“That was good.”
‘Want to hear something weird? There’s a tiny white feather on my nightstand. How did that get there?’
“I don’t know. It sure has been awhile.”
Friday, April 22nd, 2016. Journal entry…
“Busy day. Caleb was sick with strep. I watched him today at the house. He was a good boy. He played a little, ate a good lunch, and took a good nap. I was feeling pretty worn out, so I took a nap with him. We played in the dirt for a little bit after our nap. Saw a little purple lizard. I don’t like them at all, and Caleb was very unsure of them. After nap, Caleb was so cute. He picked up his blanket, cup, and giraffe, and put them in his backpack. It was so cute, just like naptime at school. We picked up Elizabeth from school and headed for home, not before stopping at Chick- Fil-A. Lol. Then home for me. Busy day. I fell asleep on the couch. I went to bed and slept all night. I was so worn out.”
Saturday, April 23rd, 2016…
“Slept really well last night. So tired from Friday. Got up and got ready to go to Lucy Jo’s 5th birthday party. Went to Michael’s to get more flowers for the wedding. The weather was beautiful. It was good to be outside. Amanda, Rachel, and I went to look at flowers at Village Gardens. We weren’t able to do anything today. We have to make an appointment since it is prom season. We went to Kohl’s and looked around. We got something new to wear to Rachel’s bridal shower next weekend. I also got a ‘Foodsaver’ for the meat and rice that we will be doing ahead of time. It was a good day. I was tired but I pushed through it. It was good to be shopping with the girls today. It felt normal. So glad to be able to say that. Tonight, is Prom Night for Lathrop High School. Rachel has to chaperone the dance. Her year is coming to an end. She has had a good year. She will be missed at this school. Taking it easy tonight. Fighting diarrhea again. Wish it would stop.”
My family was going out of town for the weekend. We were going to Branson to camp for a few days. We have season passes to Silver Dollar City, so that was going to be the reason for our trip.
The story I’m about to tell you is one of my favorite stories to tell. It’s one of those stories that you just can’t explain.
I will add a little more information to my text, but most of it is just like I sent to Laura. The information I will add will help you visualize and understand. We spent the day at Silver Dollar City and then returned to our campground. That evening, while sitting around the campfire, the boys and I talked about what happened. I shared this story in my text…
‘I don’t know if you have ever been to Silver Dollar City or not, but on the main square sits a little log church. The sign out front says this church was built in 1849. The name of it… The Wilderness Church. When you walk inside, you can’t help but notice the 2 large picture glass windows across the front. Through these windows, you can see the Ozark Mountains. It displays a beautiful view of the hills and valleys surrounding Table Rock Lake. On the wall, is a hand carved wooden cross. As soon as we walked in, I noticed the cross and said a prayer. I said a prayer for you and a few others. We walked thru the doorway and down the aisle to the window. We took a few minutes to look around. The church is quiet and very rustic. The only sounds you hear are the squeaks and cracks coming from the wooden floor.
The boys stood at the window while I walked towards the log pulpit. The twelve-year-old child in me had an idea. On the pulpit was sitting an open Bible. I was going to open it to Psalm 91. My child-like mind felt it would give my prayer some extra power.
I took a couple of steps. I’m guessing I’m about 3 feet away. Before I ever got to the Bible, Clint says to me… “What’s it open to?” I look down to be surprised. He walked over to me. I pointed and said… Psalm 91. I rubbed that page with my hand and quietly walked away. Neither one of us said a word.
Later that evening, the three of us were sitting around the campfire. I asked Clint… ‘Why did you ask me that? When we were in the church, why did you ask me what that Bible was open to?’ He said to me… “I don’t know. I just knew whatever you saw, it was going to mean something to you.” I leaned forward in my chair and said… ‘But you asked me, before I ever got close to the Bible. How did you know what I was going to do? You had no idea what was going thru my mind.’ He shakes his head… “I don’t know. I just knew.” Wow! Just wow!!’
Laura’s text…
“That is so cool. It gave me chills. As I was reading this, I was thinking that’s what you were going to say. So crazy. And it did mean something to you. God speaks to us.”
‘I guess so. How was your day?’
“I had a really good day with the girls. Found a pair of jeans, a dress for the shower, and a ‘Foodsaver’. We had a good day. Tired but good.”
‘That was nice to have a day with both girls.’
“Yes, it was. I found a pair of jeans in a size 6 and a denim sleeveless button up dress for the shower. It was such a good day. God is good.”
Yes, Laura, God is good.
Sunday morning text, on our drive home…
‘If I remember right ( I don’t have the calendar in front of me), I think there is a meeting tomorrow at The Gilda House. Do you want to go?’
“I was going to work in the afternoon.”
‘I believe there is one at 1:30, 2:00 & 2:30. Work afterwards.’
“Do you think I need to go? I’m coughing a lot. It sucks.”
‘What do you think? And why can’t you have 2 good days in a row?’
“I know. It drains me. It sucks, sucks, sucks.”
‘Yeah, I know. That’s why maybe you should got to a meeting. Maybe there is some information on what to do to help. Do you have the calendar? If so, is it a once a month or a weekly meeting? I know we have to call ahead and reserve a spot.’
“I don’t have it.”
‘I’ll look when I get home.’
“Ok.”
Three hours later…
“I’m not having a good day.”
‘Have you been lying around all day?’
“Yep. No.” “Yep” “I just hurt.”
‘Well which is it? What hurts? And where?’
“All over. I am going crazy. I can’t do this. I am done. Make it stop.”
I read these messages to Clint as we were pulling into our driveway. He told me to go over and check on her, he’ll take care of the rest. I sent Laura a text about 10 minutes later…
‘Get yourself ready. I’ll be over in a little bit. We will go and get a drink to get your mind on something else. I have a couple of things to unload from the camper first. I’ll let you know when I’m heading that way.’
“Ok.”
I arrived at Laura’s house. She came out as soon as I pulled into the driveway. She opened the Jeep door, sat down, and closed it. The short walk from the house to the Jeep seemed to be quite the chore. I asked her where she wanted to go, and her answer was… I don’t care.
I took off driving down the street. ‘Do you want to go to Culver’s? Sonic? Hi Boy?’
“I don’t care.” “No. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to go inside of anyplace.”
‘Okay, Laura. How about a drink?’
I took the long way to a Sonic, the one over by the hospital. It’s normally a short drive, but I chose a different route. Laura sat with her elbow resting on the door handle, with her hand covering half of her face. I talked about my trip as she sat quietly and listened.
We made it to the restaurant. I pulled into one of the stalls. I picked a spot that was off to the side. I asked Laura… “What do you want to drink?’ She looked at the menu and said nothing sounds good. I pushed the button and ordered two small slushies, one grape and one orange. Within minutes, the car hop brought them to my door.
‘Here… Drink one of these. I bet it has been a long time since you’ve had a slushie. Maybe something different would taste good.’ Laura chose the grape one and took a couple of sips. She placed it down into the Jeep’s cupholder. She wrestled around for several minutes in her seat.
‘Why don’t you lay the seat back and rest.’
Laura didn’t care about reclining the seat, instead she leaned forward resting her arms upon my dash.
‘What’s wrong Laura?’
“I hurt all over. I can’t do this anymore.”
‘Do you want to go over to the park and take a walk? It’s a nice day out, maybe the sunshine would do you good.’
“No. I don’t feel like it. I just want to sit here.”
She laid her head down on her arms across my dash. She stayed that way for about 5 minutes. If you know anything about Jeep Wranglers, you know there isn’t much room there to lay your head.
‘Didn’t the doctor give you something for the pain? Have you taken any?’
“No.”
‘Why don’t you take some. That’s what it’s for.’
She stayed in this position for several more minutes. In a muffled and anxious voice, she said… “I need to go home. I want to lie down.”
We left Sonic and I drove her home. The drive back to her house was quiet.
8:51 P.M. text…
“Thank you for this afternoon. The pills have helped. I feel better now. More relaxed. Thank you. Love you.”
‘I’m sorry you don’t feel good.’
“I know. Just don’t be mad at me, ok.”
‘I’m not mad. Did I act mad? I was just trying to talk about something else.’
“It helped. I just felt like crap.”
‘So, answer the first question. Did you think I was mad? I was just letting you be quiet. I wasn’t’ mad at all.’
“Well last week you were. I was just checking. I know you’re not mad. All is good. Sorry.”
‘Gilda House has a meeting every Monday. If you want to go, we have to sign up first. This meeting is from 1-2:30. It’s called… Living with Recurrent or Metastatic Cancer.’
“Ok. Are you signing us up?”
‘I can call about it tomorrow if you want me to.’
“Ok.”
I called the next morning and explained how Laura was feeling. I asked if we could sign up for one of these meetings. The lady I was talking to said… Yes, Laura can come, but this meeting is only for those who are going through cancer. I explained to the woman I’m not sure she will come. She’s having a really hard time right now and she needs some help. Let me call her and I will call you right back.
I called Laura and told her what was said. I explained that I couldn’t go inside with her to the meeting, but I would still ride with her and wait in the car. Laura refused to go alone. She made up some excuse and said maybe she would try some other day. I hung up the phone with Laura and called the Gilda House back. I told the lady she wouldn’t come. She really wanted me to be with her. The woman on the other end of the phone, told me that she had talked with one of the counselors while waiting for my return call. The counselor would be more than happy to have a one on one with Laura. She emphasized that it would be okay for me to join her. If this would make her feel more comfortable and she would like to do this, just give me a call. We can set up an appointment any time to get her some help. I hung up the phone with her and immediately called Laura. I told her what I just told you. Laura’s answer was… “No. Not now. Maybe later.”
I really wish Laura would go. I tried everything to convince her. I… Can no longer help her. This cancer has taken her too deep.
The next few days was like someone flipped a switch. Laura was acting like her old self. She was even laughing again. Boy, I sure can’t figure her out. She heard about our local baseball team having a Breast Cancer Awareness night. She got busy making a list on who wanted to go. And if she wasn’t talking about the wedding, she was engulfed in some kind of work. Even her texts were back to being upbeat…
“Be happy, Deb. Life is good. The birds are outside singing. They sing every morning around 4ish.”
‘Wow. You’re up really early.’
“Yes. Lol.”
‘Boy, you sure are chipper too.’
“It’s because of no sleep. Lol. Hey, I remembered the name of the song Rachel and her dance team danced to. The song was… I’m Going to Love You Through It.”
‘No wonder you cried. You have a pretty special family. You know it?’
“Yes, I know. So do you.”