Chapter 36
Saturday, April 9th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Rachel woke me up to say that David was in the hospital. It might be his heart. He was having trouble breathing. I told her we needed to go home. We got up and got ready to go. Jared was at the hospital with him and stayed until 10. We got there around 1. David is having a lot of muscle spasms. He is in a lot of pain. They are trying to control it. His breathing is not good. He has fluid around his heart. They will be doing an echo test on Monday. He has a fever, so giving him antibiotics. Hopefully that will help him. I stayed at the hospital until 8-ish then came home to rest.”
‘How’s David?’
“About the same. Getting ready for some breathing treatments.”
‘Do they think it is heart related or something else?’
“Well, it could be COPD, heart, maybe pneumonia. On meds for pneumonia. Will do echo on Monday.”
‘So sorry. If you need anything, let me know.’
“Yep. I will.”
‘Are you doing alright? I can drop off a drink or some food at the hospital door.’
“I’m ok. Going to pick something up in a little bit. Thank you.”
‘You’re not going to do David or the girls any good, if you don’t take care of yourself. Have you had anything today?’
“I had half a sandwich and some crackers.”
Sunday evening…
‘How is David feeling?’
“About the same.”
‘Well shoot, I was hoping he was better. Are you doing alright?’
“Just tired. I think I am going home and rest. I need to eat.”
Journal entry…
“Feeling ok today. Really tired. Went to the hospital and stayed for a while. Went home at 3. Went back to the hospital and stayed a while longer. Now home to rest.”
Monday, April 11th. Journal entry…
“Went to the hospital. Today they are doing the echo test on David. He is starting to feel better. No more muscle spasms, so that is good. Took him his shaving stuff. Had lunch with Deb and then went back to the hospital to get my car. David called me and told me to stay home and rest. So, I did. I was really tired. Feeling ok.”
Late that morning, Amanda sent me a text…
“Well my mom is having a hard time eating again. When she doesn’t eat, she has no energy. I am having a hard time trying to keep track of both parents right now.”
‘I know. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I will get on her about eating. Keep your head up.’
“Thanks, Debbie. Tell her we need to find something, or we will have to do some Boost drinks.”
‘Oh, I will.’
I finished that text and immediately texted Laura…
‘What do you want for lunch?’
“I don’t know. I’m at the hospital. I can meet you somewhere.”
‘That sounds good. Give me a few. I have to go home first and tell Clint goodbye. He is going to Dodge City for work. Where do you want to go?’
“I don’t’ care where. Let’s do 54th St.”
A short time later…
‘Do you want me to pick you up?’
“No, I will meet you. What time?”
‘I’m on my way.’
“Ok. You can pick me up.”
I picked Laura up from the hospital. We drove two blocks away to the 54th. Street Restaurant. We sat in the sunroom like we have so many times before. Our favorite waitress came over and took our order… Two strawberry lemonades, a side of rice and a couple of house salads.
‘Are you sure you don’t want a sandwich or some chicken strips?’
“No. I’m not very hungry.”
This is another time I paused from writing and sat back in my chair. I found myself with one arm across my body with the elbow of my other arm resting on top. My hand rested at my chin. I am sitting here wondering how I am going to put into words the impact that this moment in time had left. After sitting for several minutes, I have determined there just aren’t any words powerful enough to describe such a moment. A moment in this journey that is hard to forget
Laura looked bad. Really bad. She was tired. She was worried. She was starting to look frail. This was a day that I saw Laura go to ‘that place’.
The waitress brought our food and placed it in front of us. Laura spent the next several minutes pushing it around with her fork. She never lifted her head up off that table. I watched her as she continued to push her food. After a couple of minutes, she placed her fork back on the table.
‘Come on Laura, you have to eat. You have to, to keep your strength up.’
She picked the fork up and tried again. She took two, three, maybe four bites of rice, never once lifting her eyes up from her plate. I looked around the room. Behind us was a couple engaged in their conversation. The table beside us had a group about to leave. The only other people in the room with us, were sitting about six feet away. I caught glimpses of them watching Laura. I’m sure they knew she had cancer. The lack of hair and the pink ribbon ballcap would surely give it away. Sitting at the table not too far from us, was a man and a woman about our age. Joining them, was a young man who looked to be in his late twenties. I don’t know if he was an acquaintance or if he was simply their son. They weren’t engaged in conversation like all the others, they sat quietly to themselves.
In the middle of this room was Laura, sitting there with her head down. She placed the fork back on the table and took the napkin from her lap. She never noticed anyone else in the room, her mind was off somewhere else.
‘Is it David? Are you worrying about him?’
She shook her head no.
‘What’s going on then?’ Come on, talk to me.’
I scooted my chair up next to Laura’s. She turned in her chair to face me.
“I don’t know.” She said in a quiet voice. “I just don’t feel like eating.”
She continued to sit there with her head down. She never raised it, not even for a bit. I scooted in a little closer. Now we’re sitting knee to knee. I bent down to give her one of my pep talks. I told her she was going to be alright.
‘You just got to try to eat Laura, it’s going to make you feel better.’
I remember bending down even further. I tried my best to look in her eyes. They were dark and full of tears. It was like the life in her had been stripped away. She fiddled with her hands she had in her lap. She twisted the rings upon her fingers.
‘Come on Laura, you have to eat. I know it’s hard, but you have to. You have to keep your strength up. David is going to be alright. He needs you right now. Come on, Laura. Don’t go there.’
A tear rolled down her face.
‘Come on. Let’s talk about something else.’
We lifted our heads and turned back towards the table. Laura picked up her fork and started to eat. I’m going to say… She ate almost half of her salad and most of the rice. Once we started talking about the new house, Laura came out of the ‘dark place’.
A few minutes later, our waitress returned to our table. She brought us fresh drinks and greeted us with a big smile.
“The family that was sitting next to you (as she pointed to the table beside us) they paid for your lunch.”
My eyes quickly shifted to where they were sitting. I never noticed when they got up and left. They must have left when I was talking with Laura. I can only imagine how we must have made them feel.
“They wanted me to tell you… Cancer has touched their family too.”
Laura and I looked at each other as the waitress walked away. The tears that left Laura’s eyes, were back running down her face. There were no words said between our table and theirs. Just an understanding of the story we lived.
Eyes that were dark had light again, and a smile was brought to Laura’s face. I wish I had the chance to thank this family. Their kind gesture happened on the perfect day.
It’s funny the things that we remember. The impact that this family has left. I believe God whispered His love that day.
He whispered it… One table away.
I checked in with her later that night…
‘Have you heard any more about David?’
“No. I talked with him around 4. He told me to stay home and rest. I guess we will find out more tomorrow.”
‘Do you want me to bring you anything?’
“No, I’m ok. I made some rice.”
‘I want you to know… I get on your case because I care about you. If the roles were reversed, you would be on me a whole lot worse. I know it’s hard. I get that. But when has anything hard ever stopped you before? Get good again. You were good last Thursday. You even told me so. Don’t slip back. Come on, Laura, dig deep and push thru.’
“I am trying. Just tired. Trying to eat, but it’s hard again. I will keep trying.”
‘I really am sorry I keep getting on your case.’
“Don’t be. I needed it.”
Tuesday, April 12th, 2016…
“Went to the hospital to sit with David. He is feeling better but still very weak. He moved rooms to another floor. When standing, his heart rate goes up to 200. Stayed with him for a while then went to lunch with my mom and Brenda. Went back to the hospital and stayed until Rachel got there. David will be there until tomorrow. He is feeling a little better. No more muscle spasms, so that is even better. I need to go home and eat. Rachel is getting Chipotle for dinner then home to rest. Tomorrow is chemo day.”
‘So how is David? What did the tests say?’
“Everything is looking good. Tests are fine. They haven’t done the oxygen test yet.”
‘That is good. So, when are they going to do that?’
“I don’t know. They haven’t ordered it yet. I am getting all this information from David. I can’t seem to get there early enough when the Doctor is there. I talked to the nurse, she said basically what David said.”
‘So how are you doing?’
“I am ok. The same. Just tired. Thanks for checking on us.”
Chemo day. My message…
‘It’s chemo day. You got this. See… I can be nice. I’m not on your case.’
“Ha! Maybe a little. Lol.”
‘Damn. I just can’t win. I usually give you a long rambling message and now I back off and try to be nice… Nope, I can’t win.’
My text to Amanda…
‘I always send your mom a chemo day message. They are usually pretty lengthy in size. Sometimes… She doesn’t always appreciate what I have to say. Haha. So, today I was short and nice. There was still no appreciation of my kind and gentle words. Ha! As the day went on, I decided the chemo day message I wanted to send, I want to send to you. Here we go… You are doing a great job. Hang in there. There’s a saying… God will not give you more than you can handle. I find that not to be true. Sometimes life gets so hard that you really can’t handle it. That’s where God comes in. He knows there are times when we cannot handle everything that is going on around us, but He ALWAYS helps us through. Those are the times we need to lean on Him. So lean! I saw a short video yesterday. It started off by saying… This is God’s story. We are just the ones who get to tell it. I see this when I think of you. I really feel sorry that you kids (both the girls and the guys) must go thru all of this. As I watch… I see God’s story unfolding in you girls. He is making you into something special. Just who He wants you to be. Some day you will look back and see all the pieces and how it all fit together, how everything fell into place. Be proud of yourself. There is always good, even in the bad. Believe that. Keep your head up. Lean when you need to lean. And tonight, when you look in the mirror, I hope you see what God sees.’
Wednesday, April 13th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Today Amanda and I went to chemo. David is coming home sometime today. I lost 4 pounds this week, but a lot has been going on. Chemo was ok. I have diarrhea again. It is happening about an hour after I am done. David is home. I’m so glad. His parents brought him home. He seems to be doing ok.”
That evening, I had a question…
‘When you say your stomach can’t take food, what do you feel like? Do you feel sickly, like you want to throw up? Are you cramping or what?’
“Sickly. It doesn’t cramp. When I eat just one bite, I feel full. I just forced my dinner down. I feel bloated and yucky. I just want something to drink. Water and tea are nasty.”
‘What did you have for dinner?’
“Rice and half of a turkey sandwich.”
‘We will find something you can tolerate. We just have to find it.’
“I have come to this… After chemo, this time and the last, I get diarrhea. I’m afraid to do milk.”
‘Can you handle pancakes, waffles or dry cereal?’
“I have been eating waffles. I just googled… What to eat after treatment? It said to stay away from tea, pop, milk, nuts, juice. Well, I have had tea and a few almonds. Crap! Water tastes nasty today. I guess you know, I lost 4 pounds. This sucks. I am lost.”
‘What do you weigh?’
“126. I need to eat more protein.”
‘Boil some eggs.’
“I can’t eat eggs. Makes me gassy.”
‘They make everyone gassy. Eat them. How’s David? Did he come home with oxygen?’
“He is doing ok. No, he didn’t. He has 5 prescriptions.”
‘Wow! You two need to start your own pharmacy.’
“LOL. He will follow up with his doctor on Friday.”
Thursday, April 14th, 2016…
“David had a hard time taking a shower today. He is so weak. I thought I was going to have to get him out of the tub myself, but he made it. Feeling ok today.”
Clint and I were going out of town for the weekend. Before we left, I decided I was going to the store. I purchased 3 bags full of groceries for David and Laura. I took them by work and asked Luisa if she would give them to Laura when she came by the daycare later that afternoon. I knew if I dropped them off myself, at Laura’s house, she probably would refuse to keep them. Anyway, this was a last-minute decision and I wanted to do it before we left.
I tried to find the blandest types of food they had. Since Laura said she could tolerate rice and waffles, I picked up several choices and flavors of those. I purchased protein bars and cereal bars, different flavors, types, and textures. I even bought 2 flavors of Boost drinks. Yeah… Laura doesn’t like those. That’s why I bought the kid version. I picked up some deli meat and chicken for David, and a few things that would be easy to warm up. Laura didn’t know I was doing this, and I really didn’t care.
Late that evening, I get a text…
“So, you think I don’t eat. You went to the store for me?”
‘No comment.’
“Just kidding. I appreciate everything you do. I promise to eat. Just wanting something to drink. Thank you so much.”
‘I bought you waffles and anything that had rice in it. Rice cereal too. Brandi was the one who suggested the flavored water and of course I got you some Boost. I purchased the ‘Kid’s Boost’. It was flavored and said KID APPROVED. I figured if kids liked it, you should too. There are several different kinds of protein bars. Try them all and see which ones you like the best. So, question… Are you going to be mad at me for doing this?’
“No. (Followed by a smiley face, a pink flower and her palm tree emojis).”
‘So, Luisa sent me a text saying… Quote… I am a good patient. What does she mean? Is that something you told her to say or does she mean she has patience. Haha. I don’t get it.’
“Lol. Have fun this weekend. Don’t worry about me. I will be fine.”
‘OHHHHHHH!!!! Wait. I get it. The whole leaving her in charge and you claiming to be ‘good’ thing. Yeah, we talked about you not listening and doing whatever you want. Ha!’
“It was a joke. I was just kidding. I guess you think I am a bad patient.”
‘I guess you think I have NO patience with the patient. HA!’
“No, you have a lot. You put up with me.”
‘Go ahead… Back up on out of that one. Climb out of that hole. You CAN be difficult. Hahahaha.’
I went out of town and pretty much slept the entire weekend. On Friday, I woke up a little after 9:30, took a shower, and then napped until lunch. After lunch, I napped again. This time I slept until 2. Laura texted to see what I was doing, and after that, I fell back asleep again. This time, I slept until almost 4. It seems like when I have a weekend away, everything catches up with me. I have never been one to take naps, but here lately, I have been so tired. This pattern repeated on Saturday. Slept all night, awake at 9, followed by another nap. Weekends away, are the only times I don’t think about cancer.
Saturday evening text from Amanda…
“I thought you would enjoy these pictures.”
(Written underneath 2 pictures from Relay for Life.)
‘Thanks. Sorry I missed it.’
“It’s ok. This one was in Lathrop. There will be another one in the fall.”
‘How’s your mom feeling? All I got from her was… Good.’
“I think she is feeling good. She had some stomach issues. She ate her sandwich and some Fritos.”
‘That’s good. She just has to push thru it. How’s your dad feeling?’
“I know. I have been really frustrated because she has lost so much weight. Everything I suggest, she thinks it will be bad, so she doesn’t’ even try it. She has to take care of herself to be able to do the things she wants. Dad is really weak but getting better day by day.’
‘I know. I have been on her too. She must eat. She was frustrated with me the other day because I was on her case. I ended up buying her a bunch of bland food. I told her to find something and eat it. I said, I don’t care if you eat the same thing all day long, just eat.’
“She probably doesn’t like any of us because we are nagging her. She has to find something. Not eating, is not an option.”
‘Your mom told me she was going to buy me a t-shirt that said… JUST EAT. I said… Well, it’s about time I got my own shirt. She has a ton.’
“That would be great. Lol.”
‘I haven’t said this to her… Yet. But I don’t want the doctor to stop treatment because of her losing too much weight. I said to her… I have never asked you for anything. All I ask is… Please eat.’
“I know. I have a feeling they are going to push the Boost again. The worst situation would be a feeding tube to get her the calories she needs. I know she doesn’t want that.”
‘I bought her some ‘Kids Boost’. I said it is kid approved. If kids will drink it, you should be able to. I’ll keep pushing. She can be mad at me if she wants. I promised a long time ago, I would push her. I asked her if she wanted me to back off, and she said no. Ok then, I’ll keep pushing.’
Saturday, April 16th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Rested this morning. Feeling tired. Tonight, is Relay for Life. Amanda, Jared, and the kids are going with me. Had a very nice time. Rachel danced with her girls to a very neat song. It brought tears to my eyes. I cried. It was so real. Tonight, it hit home that she is leaving. Going to Iowa to start her new life. I want her starting her life here. I will miss her so much. This has been her home for 25 years. I want her to stay, but I know it will be ok for her to go. Just sad. She is leaving a good job. Couldn’t ask for a better first job for her. They have been so supportive of her with everything that has gone on these past two years. She will be missed by them and me.”
Sunday, April 17th…
“Feeling pretty good. Just really tired. Didn’t do much today. Just lying around. Lazy day.”
I don’t know how Laura was feeling over the weekend. I know I was feeling tired. From what few texts I had received from her, I thought she was doing alright. I thought we were passed and over the latest bump since she was so excited for Relay for Life.
Well, I was wrong. That all changed come Monday afternoon. I guess it changed. Maybe it didn’t. Who knows what Laura has been hiding???
This was another one of those days, I will never forget.
Monday… I couldn’t talk her thru. I couldn’t push her thru. I couldn’t break thru. Monday… Laura hit bottom.
I’ll show you our text conversation first, then I’ll explain the story…
12:28 P.M. Laura’s text…
“I am leaving now.”
‘Ok.’
2:15 P.M. My text to her…
‘Sorry that I don’t know what to do to help you.’
At 5:05, she answered…
“It’s ok. I don’t know what to say either. I just want to feel normal and do a few things. I want more energy. I’m trying to eat. Trying to do things. I just want to be able to talk, laugh and be normal. This is a slow process. I just don’t feel strong for anyone. This is not me. I am the caretaker.”
So, what happened today? Nothing. Laura shut down.
She came by school to watch our pre-k class practice for their school play. She stayed long enough until it was over and then went home to rest. I only talked with her for a minute or two because I was busy with the kids. After school, I was going to meet her for lunch. We were meeting at the 54th Street restaurant. That’s when she sent me the first text.
I met her there to find her already sitting at a table. She was in a booth not too far from the door. I asked her… ‘How come we are not sitting in the sunroom?’ Her answer was… “I don’t feel like it.” Right then, let me know something was going on.
I sat down across from her. This time, she had a different look on her face. I couldn’t help but notice something was wrong. I didn’t question her about it, I talked about the rest of my school day. Laura didn’t engage in the conversation, instead she stared aimlessly at her menu. When I asked her what she was going to order, she answered with… “Nothing sounds good.” I didn’t go into my push her about eating, I waited until she finally made a choice. A baked potato and a glass of water. When the waitress took our order, I intentionally picked out something different I thought Laura might eat. ‘Chicken finger basket and fries. I’ll have a glass of water too.’
I continued to talk about my day, about the kids and the funny things they do. There wasn’t a hint of a smile that came to Laura’s face. Soon, our meals were at our table. This time, Laura wouldn’t even try. She didn’t pick up her fork, she never unfolded her napkin, she sat there staring down at the table. She reached up with one hand and pushed her meal aside.
‘Here Laura, I ordered this, incase you didn’t like yours.’
I pushed my plate towards her. This time she didn’t say a word. She didn’t shake her head. She never moved a muscle. She sat there but was somewhere else.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
She lifted her head for a quick no.
‘Okay.’
The waitress came to check on us. I asked for two boxes to go. Neither one of us ate our lunch. Neither one of us said a word. This was a time for me to sit in silence. A time to just be there for my friend.
‘Maybe you should go home and rest. We don’t have to sit here. We can leave.’
With tears in her eyes she nodded her head. We paid our bill and left.
‘Do you want me to drive you home?’
“No. I can drive. I want to go to my mom’s.”
I made her promise to take the backroads and to please, please be careful. Right now, I couldn’t help her. It’s her momma that she needs.
Monday, April 18th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Not feeling well today. My stomach is a mess. Feeling down. Just not doing well. Went and watched the Monday/Wednesday class practice for The Dinosaur Stomp. They did a very good job. Didn’t stay too long. Went to lunch with Deb. I tried to eat. Not wanting to talk to Deb or anyone. Just feeling yuck, today. Went to my mom’s and rested. Slept for about an hour. Just not a good day.”
My 7:00 P.M. text…
‘I’ve been thinking about this whole strong thing. About your comment that you don’t feel strong. What defines strong? Okay, you don’t feel good. That doesn’t mean you are not strong. We all have times in our lives when we can’t hold our head up, times when life has knocked us down. When you are at the bottom, you don’t see anything. I look back on my life, and that thought has never entered my mind. I never questioned whether I was strong or not. I thought about how awful I felt, how sad I was. I thought about how I just wanted better days. Having strength was never a thought. I can think back to the time when I had a baby in a leg brace. Clint had lost his job and we didn’t know what to do. There wasn’t a single place that was hiring. I wondered how we were going to pay our bills. Oh sure, he found a way, but it still made me worry. Fast forward to the days I was sitting on the porch, how sad I felt. I go from that, to holding my daughter as she cried from a broken heart. And then my mom died. I never thought about strength. I wasn’t strong. Maybe I was to someone outside looking in. Maybe strength is determined by those who have never experienced what I was going thru. Maybe they see you going thru stuff and think… Look how strong she is. Each one of those times in my life, I was probably at my lowest. I was vulnerable and I was weak. My thoughts weren’t to be strong. My thoughts were to survive. I had to survive the hurt, the worry, the pain, and the anger. I had to survive to be the person I wanted to hang on to be. It’s okay to be at that low point, just don’t stay there. It’s easy to stay there. Believe me, I know. You have to fight. You pray, you struggle and then you come back. You survive. Take all the time you need. Sometimes, the caregivers, want you to survive the low points a little faster than the person is ready to. Sometimes, we get scared too. We (myself included) need to remember, it’s ok to just sit and be quiet. Sometimes, you just have to be there.’
“Thanks, Debbie. I really appreciate all you have to say. I know you can relate. There is just so much going on. I feel a little overwhelmed right now. I will get thru this. Just give me some time.”