Chapter 35
Friday, March 25th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Today I am feeling very tired and weak. Today was Disney on Ice. I fell asleep a couple of times. It was a good show, but I was so tired. The kids came back, and we ate a sandwich, then they went home for naps. I napped too. I was so tired. My energy is gone but I had such a good day with them. I’m still having a hard time. Just very down right now. Trying hard to pull through this and get to my happy place. Cough is still here but better.”
Saturday, March 26th, 2016…
“Got up and got ready. Trying to make myself do this more. Ate some breakfast and then rested for a bit. Rachel and Austin are packing up her room. Helped them go thru totes, repack, and label them. Had them put the totes in Rachel’s old room. This is very sad and so real now. In 2 weeks, they will be moving her things to her new house. It’s so crazy and so sad at the same time. I’m so happy for them, but sad. Don’t want her to leave. I will miss her being here. I made a list of things for them to pick up for Easter. I feel so bad that I haven’t done this. I just haven’t felt like going out and doing it. Didn’t think I would have it this bad. No energy.”
Sunday, March 27th, 2016…
“Happy Easter. What a day. It rained, snowed and then the sun came out, so the kids were able to go outside. Crazy day. Made it to church and then home to have an egg hunt. Caleb loved the egg hunt. He loved the eggs with money in them. He kept putting the money in his pocket, when he would pick up another egg, the money fell out. It was so cute. Had a good time this morning. Elizabeth loved her marshmallows and jellybeans (the starburst kind). What a day! Came home and rested.”
Monday, March 28th, 2016…
“Feeling a little better. Still no energy. Cough is better. Coughing less each day. Luisa came by and brought chicken and noodle soup from Jere. Had a nice visit with her. It was so nice of her to stop by. Rachel ran her errands and picked up the kids today. They came by after school to see me. Had fun playing with them before Rachel took them home. I cleaned the family room, then I rested. I am trying to do something each day to build my strength back.”
Tuesday, March 29th, 2016…
“Moving slow today. Couldn’t clean like I wanted. Went to lunch with Deb and Luisa. We went to Culver’s. Had a good visit and then went to Target. Picked up a few things and then home. Long day. Rested and went to bed early.”
“Hey Deb, I have a question.”
‘Ok.’
“Do you think work is upset with me for being gone so much? I missed so much last year and now I’m sick again.”
‘Well, I have no clue. Why? Was something said?’
“No. I keep thinking about it. I don’t want people to be upset with me.”
‘Quit thinking the worst. If you are worried ask.’
“I can’t help it. I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day. The kind of person I want to be. I want to learn to let bad thoughts go and listen to my heart. I need to tell those thoughts to go away.”
‘Just be you, Laura. Be the person you want to see in others. I’ve always said, there are people watching you. People you don’t even know that are watching, are watching everything you do. There are people like us, searching for some kind of deeper meaning. How do YOU want to represent You?’
“I want to be a kind and caring person.”
‘Well there you go.’
“What a year this has been. A year of finding ourselves. Not too bad. Lol.”
Wednesday, March 30th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Lab work today. Mom went with us to my appt. Glad she went. It was a short day. My potassium is still low. So now I am on medicine for that. Yuck. Went to lunch at 54th Street. Had a nice visit and then took Mom home. Amanda and I went to Centerpoint to see the nurses and staff. It was good to see everyone. We were welcomed with smiles and caring hugs. We updated everyone on what was going on. Was able to see a lot of the nurses. Valerie, and even Dr. M. came by to see me. He is such a nice and caring man. He told me if I needed anything at all, to just let him know. If felt so good to see everyone and how much they care about me and my health. Just feeling overwhelmed today. It felt good to see them. Home to rest after another long day.”
Thursday, March 31st…
“Feeling better. Cough is better. Still coughing up stuff, but it is getting better. Picked up my medicine and then went by the daycare to meet with Deb and Luisa. Then home to rest. Getting better each day.”
Friday, April 1st…
“Well the girls are gone this weekend. Rachel is in Palm Springs, California and Amanda is in Kentucky. Feels weird that everyone is gone. Today I cleaned the rest of the house and went to lunch with Kathy at Culver’s. Had a good lunch and conversation about our girls and work stuff. Then went to the daycare to help Deb with closing. Luisa said the youth trip was good, so it worked out that she didn’t have to go. Deb was there with her. Came home and rested. Each day I am getting better.”
My text from Amanda before she left…
“Thanks for checking on my mom this weekend.”
‘Not a problem. Have fun!’
Well… There was a problem. Oh boy!
Saturday morning text. 9:58 A.M…
“Hey Laura, I know why your back and body hurts so bad. It’s because you are lying around too much. Last night my back hurt bad. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t get comfortable. I know it was because I’ve been lying around too much. I finally fell asleep early this morning. It seems like my best sleep here lately, is after 6 A.M. That is when I have all kinds of dreams. My dream this morning, was about you guys putting on the weirdest wedding for Rachel. It was a 50’s, retro, horror, movie themed wedding. Everyone was dressed in big hair with waxed figure-liked looking faces. I woke up before I ever saw Rachel or Austin. All these other people were putting on skits. There were cars and moving stages, song, and dance. That’s a little much, Laura. Don’t you think? HAHA.’
No answer…
Ok, this is weird. This text was weird. Why isn’t Laura coming back with her signature, Lol? Maybe she is napping. I don’t know. I waited over an hour for her to respond.
I know she was tired. That’s why I wanted you to hear it from her. I documented these last journal entries so you could understand.
This weekend, the girls went out of town and David, he was at work. Before the girls left, they asked Luisa and I to keep an eye on their mom. They were worried about her and hated to leave. They asked us to be ‘in charge’ of her. Let’s hope Laura answers soon.
11:04 A.M…
‘Are you ok?’
Nothing…
11:15…
‘I’m giving you until 11:30 in case you are on the phone with someone, then I will try again. If you don’t answer that you are okay, I am coming over.’
Again, no answer…
I send Luisa a message…
(Please note… I don’t have the exact conversation saved, but I do remember most of our conversation.)
‘Hey Luisa, have you heard from Laura?’
“No. I tried texting her this morning, she hasn’t answered.”
‘She’s not answering my texts either. I keep asking her if she is ok.’
“Do you think something is wrong?”
‘I don’t know. This is not like her. Let me try calling.’
I call her number. Nothing… Her phone goes straight to voicemail. I wait several minutes and try again. Nothing.
Now, I’m calling Luisa.
‘She’s not answering the phone. You try and call her. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk to me.’
I sent Laura another text…
11:46…
‘On my way.’
Still nothing…
Luisa calls me back…
“She’s not answering any of my texts or calls. Can you go check on her? I’m at the boy’s game. If you can’t, I’ll see if I can leave.”
‘Yeah, Luisa. I’m on my way.’
“Okay, good. Let me know if she needs help. I can leave if I have to.”
‘I will. Shoot Luisa, we promised the girls we would watch out for her, and we are already failing big time. All I have to say is… She better be alright, or else. Ha!’
I arrived at Laura’s house. I knocked on the door. I stood there for several minutes to no answer. I knocked louder. Still no answer. I pressed my face up against the living room window to see if I could see anything. Nothing. No sign of Laura. Nothing on the couch, not even the cat.
I called Luisa and told her… ‘She’s not answering the door.’
“Do you think she is okay, Debbie?”
‘I don’t know, Luisa. I’ve walked around the side of the house. She’s not in the backyard, from what I can tell.’
“Is her car there?”
‘Yes, her car is here. After our conversation yesterday, I am worried about her. Do you think she has fallen in the shower?’
“Knock on her bedroom window. Wake her up if she’s asleep.”
‘Alright, I will do that. Which room is hers?’
I walk to the end of the house and reach up to knock on the tall bedroom window. I yell out… Laura, are you here? I hear a faint reply… “Yes, I am here. Where are you?’
“Open the door, Laura.”
Laura came to the door and asked ME, what was wrong.
‘What’s wrong with YOU, Laura. You’re the one not answering your phone.’
She picks up her phone from the end table. She scrolls thru it with her finger.
“Oh wow. There’s a lot of messages on here (Insert giggle).’
‘Ya think?? The girls left us in charge of you, and here we are on day one, and somebody is not answering their phone.’
“Lol. I was cleaning.”
‘You were cleaning?? Well, Luisa and I thought you might be lying at the bottom of the basement stairs. Answer your damn phone next time.’
Laura was fine. She had the radio on, and the house smelled fresh and clean. The reason why Luisa and I were so worried, had to do with our conversation we had the day before. The three of us sat in the daycare office and talked about Laura’s depression. She told us everything she was feeling… How weak and tired she was, and how she couldn’t get up off the couch. We emphasized we were there for her and she could talk to either one of us at any time. She promised she would and said she was feeling better. She promised she wouldn’t keep any more to herself.
Saturday, April 2nd, 2016. Journal entry…
“Got up and started cleaning the bathroom. Vacuumed the carpet and mopped the floors. Deb and Luisa were trying to get a hold of me. I wasn’t checking my phone. After showering, I hear a knock at my door. I am rushing to find my robe. It was Deb. They were worried because I haven’t answered my phone. I told her I was busy cleaning. My phone was in the other room. Apparently, Amanda and Rachel asked them to check on me while they were gone. Deb was worried. I was laughing and told her I was fine. After she left, I got ready and Mom and I went to lunch at Cheddars. I wanted a club sandwich. It was good. We had a nice visit then went to Mardels to look around. After that, back to her house. I took a nap before going to Brenda’s for Easter dinner and fun. It was nice to see everyone. Watched the kids have an egg hunt, then had dinner. Came home and rested the rest of the evening.”
Sunday morning text, from my not so hilarious friend, Laura…
“Just so you know, I am up and doing a few things. My phone is in my room. I am ok. LOL.”
‘Ha! Hey, Amanda will be home today. I am off duty.’
“She is on her way. Hours away. Lol.”
‘Crap. Haha.’
“Can you help me with cleaning my car? I’m going to wash it but need help vacuuming it.”
‘Yes, I can.’
Sunday, April 3rd, 2016…
“Got up and ate a pancake. It was good. I cleaned Rachel’s bathroom, did some laundry, and changed the sheets on my bed. I asked Deb if she would help me with cleaning my car. It finally got a car wash and vacuumed. It looks so nice. Sonic drinks and then home. Rested and decided it was time to update this journal. It has been a month. Some days are short with nothing, but others have some thoughts. Cough is much better, and my energy is coming back. Taking off next week. Might close for Luisa so she doesn’t have to do each night. Each day is better.”
Monday, April 4th…
“Today I got up and was ready by 8:30. Wow. It’s been a while since I have done that. Feeling pretty good today. Had some lunch and then picked up the kids. They were so happy to see me. It made me feel so good. I just love them. They came over and played for a little bit then went to the park with Britney and Ben. So glad to see them. I was feeling very tired. I fell asleep for an hour and a half. Getting my strength back is tough, but I am pushing thru it. Today I didn’t cough up anything. Yay! That is a good thing.”
“So, are you mad at me?’
‘No, Laura. Why do you say that?’
“You’re not texting me. Do you think you are off duty? Lol.”
‘Hahaha! That’s right! I AM off duty.’
“Lol.”
‘No, I haven’t felt very good. Yes Laura, I ate something. Haha. I think I’m feeling better now.’
“Can you do lunch tomorrow? I am thinking Chipotle.”
‘Yeah, I can.’
Tuesday, April 5th…
“Today was a good day. Feeling much better. Now if I could just get up in the morning with my alarm. Lol. I just want to sleep. Got up about 8:15 and got ready. Ate breakfast, ran the vacuum and paid bills. Met Deb for lunch and to the store. Feeling pretty good. The only thing is a weird feeling, sore I guess, in my stomach area. Just a weird feeling. If that wasn’t there, I would feel pretty normal. I’m going to take it easy and get my strength back. Next week, I might work ½ days and go from there. We will see. This weekend I am going to Iowa to see the new house and help Rachel set her things up. It should be a good weekend. Today, I am feeling better. Doctor’s appt. tomorrow. This time will be different. It will be the first time that I actually feel well to see Dr. S. Hope everything is going well.”
It’s chemo day. You know… For some reason, I feel I need to send a good old-fashioned ‘Deb style’ chemo day message. That means it’s going to be long.
‘Well, month one sucked. You went to a place that I fear. Dang it! I promised I wouldn’t let you go there, and I failed. I suspected and I wondered. I hoped you weren’t going there. I just wouldn’t let myself believe any different. I believed you were ok. You weren’t. One thing I can say is…
You are good. That’s what people who are depressed do, they hide it. They think they can handle it. They think they can’t tell anyone, because how exactly can you explain what you don’t quite understand. There’s this person you have looked at so many times in the mirror and now you look, and you can’t find yourself. Well guess what? It’s not going to happen again. Once you release those feelings, they lose their control. Plus… You have a couple of really good friends that are going to be watching you like a hawk. You’re never going to keep those feelings inside again. Deal?? When the roles were reversed, you didn’t like it. Did you? It’s not a good place. Don’t do what I did and not talk. Time went by and the deeper I went. I’m not talking about recently. I’m talking about a long time ago. You are a stronger person than I am. You have so many people who believe in you. Believe in yourself. Yes, I too, gave myself pep talks. I didn’t want to leave my safe place, my porch. Mine weren’t so much about moving your body or eating. Mine were telling me to smile and laugh. You are going to be alright. Pep talks work. Keep talking. You are coming back slowly. You’ll get your strength back and your smile will return. You’ll get there. So, month 2… It’s going to be better. You look a lot better. I am starting to see Laura again. Welcome back. Look around… You are surrounded by so many friends and so much love. Your friends care about you so much. And your girls… They explode with love. They need their momma. They need you to be you. When you are down, they are down. But when you are good, they shine. Those girls mirror your image. Look around you, Laura. It’s all there. Friends, family, strangers, even the cat… They all care. A life well lived, and a life well loved… Huh? I’d say so.’
Wednesday, April 6th…
“Treatment day. Today I have an appointment with Dr. S. Amanda and Mom went with me. I gained 2 pounds. I’m at 130. I was glad. Appt. went well. Things are looking good. Next month, I will have scans to see how I am doing. Treatment went well. We had Culver’s for lunch today. Amanda went and got lunch while I was waiting to finish my medicine (pills). I noticed that I had diarrhea again. It is like I get home and it starts. Will have it most of the night and tomorrow.”
“Hey, can you do lunch tomorrow? And can you help me go to Target?”
‘I have ‘stay and play’ after preschool. If you want to wait that long, I can after that.’
“Yes, that will be fine.”
I met Laura for lunch. It was another one of those serious conversations. We talked about work, friends, and Rachel moving away. We talked about her dad and we talked about her life. We talked about everything that has changed this past year. I listened as she rambled on. It was like she needed to get all of this out. I understood where she was coming from. This is part of the healing process from coming out of the dark place. By the time we left, she was happy again. She was so excited to see Rachel’s new house.
In the midst of our conversation, she brought up something that she talked about only briefly. She talked about what it was like for a person who has cancer. This conversation, she finished later that night in a text…
“Thank you for lunch today and helping me at Target. I really appreciate everything you have done for me. About earlier, sometimes people treat you too normal. Some people are harder to talk to than others. Sometimes I need a friend to listen. It’s like I want them to feel what I am feeling. Right now, I feel like I am just here and getting better. Each day I feel a little more like myself. There are times I need fun and normal. Other times, I need someone to understand. I know you get it and I know you understand. I wish other people knew that too.”
I told this to a good friend once. I think this is a good time to share this with you…
~We may not always know what to do or say when a person is going thru cancer. We may not know what to do or say when a person is going thru anything in life. And if you’re like me… You often wonder… Why is it me? Why was I chosen to be placed in this path?
Sometimes we find ourselves in someone else’s journey in life. Sometimes… Not by choice. But here we are smack dab in the middle of it. At times, we think… Well I don’t like this. I don’t want to be here. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. Whether what you feel is right, wrong, or indifferent, the question you have to ask yourself is… What would God expect me to do? I’m always telling people you are here for a reason. I’m always asking them… What are you supposed to learn? I believe it’s about our deepest of beings. It’s about our hearts and souls. Who we are or who we want to be. The journey is not only about the person with cancer. The journey is also about you.~
Friday, April 8th, 2016. My text…
‘It’s going to be a good day! Remember that!! Be proud. Your girl has a good guy and a beautiful home. Now… Think about that last sentence. We both know the path our girls have been down. I don’t worry about Brandi anymore. It’s a good feeling. I know it’s going to be a hard day, but know this… Even though she is going to be full of excitement, it is going to be hard for her too. You two have a special bond. That doesn’t change. It only gets better. Wait and see. Smile! Nothing is better than knowing you have done a great job of raising your kids.’
“Thanks Deb. It’s hard. It’s going to be ok. Thanks for the talk. It’s funny how things worked out for the girls. God is good. My phone died last night, so I didn’t get a chance to tell you. Thank you. I believe God put you in my path for a reason. And I am so glad He did.”
Laura’s journal entry…
“Well it is here. Moving day. The boys are busy filling the trailer. Heading out around 11. David stayed home to work on the yard. We made it to Iowa. Got there about 1:00. They have a very cute house. I rested and let them unload. Doing a lot of coughing and spitting up. Not feeling too good. Had lunch, ate half a sandwich. Went to Austin’s house to load up his stuff. Had a hamburger for dinner from Culver’s. Threw up at Austin’s parent’s house. Not feeling the greatest. Went back to Rachel’s new house, ate a little and went to bed. Slept really good.”
Saturday morning, I receive a phone call.
“We are on our way home. David is in the hospital. I’m worried.”