Chapter 34
Wednesday, chemo day message…
‘I’ve been sitting here waiting for the words to come. The words just aren’t coming. It’s hard to think of a pick me up, a cheer me up, when just the day before, you can see the pain in a person’s face. What do you say when that person just wants to feel good? There aren’t any words to fix this. There isn’t a single thing to make you feel better. Today, I empathize with you. I’m going to hope your smile comes back and you can once again feel good.’
Wednesday, March 16th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Treatment number 2. All went well. She gave me some medicine for my cough. A z-pak and some cough pills. Still coughing up a lot of stuff. Not feeling very well today. Went to lunch and then to the Hallmark store. Got my cards and then went home to rest. I actually fell asleep today. Very tired.”
Thursday, March 17th, 2016…
“Went into work today. My mornings are so slow. I don’t feel very well so I take it easy. It is all I can do to shower and get my clothes on, then I rest for like 30 minutes. I take my medicine and then rest again. It’s crazy. By noon, I start to feel better. Went into work this afternoon and then closed.”
Friday, March 18th…
“Same as Thursday. Moving slow.”
Saturday, March 19th…
“Mornings are the same. It takes me awhile to get going. Still throwing up in the mornings. It usually happens after I brush my teeth. Did a few things around the house. Now I’m really tired. It sucks. Went with Rachel and ran some errands. We ate at 54th Street. I thought that would help me, but it didn’t. I was so tired. No energy. Went to Kohls. I made it through Kohls but then I had to sit in the car while Rachel finished her errands. I was so tired and no energy. Did make it to Sam’s. We came home and I rested on the couch. Was able to get Elizabeth’s birthday present together. Just so tired. No energy.”
5:57 P.M. Laura’s text…
“How’s your day going?”
‘It’s going ok. Got some things done that I have been putting off. How about you?’
“Been an okay day. Really tired. It sucks. I made it to Kohls and Sam’s, then I sat in the car for Target, Joann’s, and Wal Mart.”
‘You’ll get your strength back. It’s just going to take a while. Who did you go with?’
“I know. Rachel.”
‘Find the joy in your weakness. That’s where you will find strength.’
“I am trying.”
‘Did you throw up today? How’s the cough?’
“No, I didn’t. It’s better. Just wish I could do something and not feel so tired. Most of the time, I am better by the afternoon. Not today.”
‘Well, sounds like you are on the uphill. Get your journal caught up. That doesn’t require any energy.’
“Ok, maybe later.”
‘I read another guy’s story. His wife just died. He talked about how people remembered her. Boy, it sure makes you think. I’ve been thinking about what kind of person I want to be.’
“You are a good person with a big heart that brings laughter to everyone. You are someone who speaks the truth. You bring meaning to things good or bad.”
‘But how do I want to be remembered? Sure, I want to live well and love well. Actually, I want to live GREAT! I want to be that type of person, that when you think of their name, you can’t help but smile. This is my new goal in life.’
“You’re doing it.”
Laura and I were never afraid to talk about things as such as this. She has brought it up many times, the kind of person she wants to be. She wants to love people and give back. She wants to be there for others and let them know she cares. She is always concerned if she is being the person God wants her to be. This wasn’t the first time we have had these types of conversations and it probably won’t be the last. Throughout this journey and our friendship, we have talked about our purpose and we have talked about life. Our goal is to keep on trying to figure these things out and be the person we are meant to be. I replied to her text with…
‘Ha! I’m not there yet. Maybe someday, I’ll get to where I want to be.’
Sunday afternoon, text…
‘How are things?’
No answer.
An hour later…
‘What’s up? Talk to me, Laura. Did you try to call?’
“Not good.”
‘If you get to feeling worse, we will go get checked out. You could have the flu. If you go soon enough, they can give you something.’
Again, nothing…
Two hours later, I sent another text…
‘How are you feeling now? You are going to be ok. I hope you are telling yourself that.’
“I am. Ate some crackers.”
‘So, are you any better?’
“Not really.”
‘Do you want me to tell Kathy and Luisa you are not coming in this week?’
“I already told them about tomorrow.”
‘You need to stay home and get well, not just ok, but well. Got it?’
“Yep.”
This was a hard day for Laura, probably the hardest one she’s ever had. Cancer took one of the most important things away from her. I talked with her for a few minutes on the phone. She was beating herself up pretty bad.
Sunday, March 20th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Got up. Feeling very tired. No energy. Just moving slow. Tried to eat breakfast. Had a glass of milk. Big mistake. Oh boy, about an hour later it all came up. It was awful. Feeling like crap. Body aches and just out of it. Went back to bed. Tried to get up and get ready for the party, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get up and get ready. I stayed in bed most of the day. I felt horrible for missing her party. I would have been miserable if I went. I feel bad for missing it. Today was not a good day. I couldn’t hear the voice to tell me to get up. It was gone. I am sinking into a hole and I can’t get out. Feeling hopeless.”
Laura missed Elizabeth’s 1st birthday party. She couldn’t make herself get out of bed. Laura wouldn’t miss this for anything in the world. That alone, should tell you something. When she called me, she asked me not to talk, but to listen. She wanted to vent out every frustration she had. The conversation was short and to the point. She hung up and went back to bed.
I didn’t know any of this was going on, not until Amanda texted me earlier in the day.
“Debbie, this sucks. Cancer sucks. My mom is sick and can’t come to Elizabeth’s party. I am sitting here in tears. The one person I want to be here.”
‘I haven’t talked to her today. I’ll check in with her. What time is the party? She is usually better in the afternoon.’
“It’s at 2. She already told me she is not coming.”
A few minutes later…
‘Well, she is not answering my texts. What did she say was wrong?’
“She was puking and can’t get dressed. She is sick and I am just mad that the cancer picked today.”
‘Sorry. I wish I could fix it.’
The next text was a beautiful picture of Elizabeth dressed in purple, gold and white. The house was decorated with flowers and two bright purple balloons. Underneath this picture was a text saying…
“We will celebrate another day.”
Monday, March 21st, Journal entry…
“Still feeling bad. No energy, just so tired. Feeling so drained. Keep falling asleep on the couch. I don’t know how to make myself get up and do things. It is so hard. Luisa and Deb came by with some soup and a drink. Feeling ok. Tried to eat the soup. Ate some. Trying hard to pull myself out of this hole. Don’t feel like talking with anyone. Just keeping to myself. I know that’s bad, but I just don’t want to talk. Feeling bad when I went to bed. Was so cold. Tried to plug the electric blanket in and I couldn’t get it in. I just cried and prayed to God for help and strength and to take the cough away. I just kept praying God will get me thru this. I can do anything thru Christ who strengthens me. Said this over and over again. I just laid there and cried. I just need God’s help and strength to get me thru this. It has been a few days since I have prayed. I was in a dark place. Finding my way out of this place. It will take time.”
Luisa called me on the phone. I remember this day like it was yesterday. She was worried about Laura like I was. Laura wasn’t answering her texts either.
“I got her some soup and a drink. Do you think we should go over?”
‘Yeah, let’s go. We have to do something to cheer her up.’
I got in the car with Luisa and we drove over to Laura’s house. This was not like her. She always answers our texts. Luisa and I tried texting all morning. She wasn’t talking to either of us. I tried once more, hoping she would answer.
‘Coming over.’
“Ok.”
When we got there, she was all curled up on the couch. We sat down and talked for several minutes. In that time frame, she only said a few words. She held the soup with one hand and kept stirring it with the other. I watched as she took a bite or two. Just like all the other times when we have taken her food, she takes a bite and then sets it on the table.
‘What’s wrong Laura? You need to talk to us.’
“I don’t feel like talking.”
‘Ok then, you can just listen.’
Laura was in a bad way. She hardly took her eyes off her soup. We told her we were here for her and we would help her get thru this. When she finally joined in on the conversation, we had her back to laughing like usual. That’s the thing about the three of us, we have this connection that just seems to work. I’m the funny one to keep your spirits up. Luisa is the gentle soul that Laura loves so much. Laura, she the steady rock of the group. She’s the one watching out for everyone. When we get together, you can guarantee it to be a good time.
Laura and Luisa have this special connection. Laura cares for her, as if she was one of her own. She watches out for her and loves her deeply. The fact is… Laura would do anything for her, and Luisa would do the same.
I would tease the two of them by saying… Luisa is the nice one. You are always babying her. I’m the one who gets yelled at. What’s that you called me? A hard ass?? Oh yeah, that its. A hard ass. You wouldn’t talk to Luisa like that. You are always soft-spoken to her.
I’m just kidding. No, I’m not. Okay, I am. I have to give them a hard time.
As for Luisa… She doesn’t know what to say, when Laura gets like this. She sits quietly next to her and holds her hand. I’m the one preaching with all the pep talks and Luisa is rubbing Laura’s arm. I wonder why Laura loves her so much. Hmmm… That’s okay. They have a wonderful bond.
8:02 P.M…
‘How are you doing? You know, Luisa and I love you.’
“I know you do. I had some fruit. I think I am feeling better.”
‘That was all Luisa’s idea today. The coming over to check on you, the soup, and everything. She really cares about you.’
“I know she does. I appreciate you guys coming over. I really do.”
‘We are going to get thru this bump in the road. You hear me?? You are going to get your strength back and your weight back UP. You look frail. That worries me. What do you need me to do to help you?’
“I honestly don’t know. Take it away. It’s a BIG bump. But I think I might be getting over it. Keep praying that it gets better.”
‘It’s only a big bump if you make it a big bump. You are just feeling down right now. Start believing in yourself again.’
“I will. I will get there.”
‘If you need help then say so. I know how to do laundry. I know how to clean the bathroom. I also know how to listen if you are sad. You have to be open with me. You have to talk it out. Don’t listen to what you tell yourself when you don’t feel good. I know what those words can be.’
“I know. It’s just hard to ask for help, you know. You’re my friend. I know I need to get past this. We can start with lunch. Culver’s fish sandwich.”
‘Ok. That’s more like it.’
Laura was on the slow road to getting back on her feet. The cough was getting better but taking on a crackling noise. She didn’t understand what was going on. The sound of it was driving her crazy. She was still coughing up stuff and still feeling very tired. In her journal she wrote… “Just praying it will go away.”
Amanda’s text…
“Her hair is starting to come out.”
‘Yeah, she said that yesterday.’
“I am going to make her a smoothie for tomorrow. I am worried about her. I emailed the nurse at KU about my concerns. I didn’t tell my mom though.”
‘I’m worried too. I am taking her some lunch today. I will be taking her lunch, hopefully every day, if she’ll let me.’
“Aww thank you Debbie. You truly are my angel watching over my momma with me.”
‘Hey, we are in this together.’
Wednesday. Chemo Day…
‘Oh, my friend, what am I going to say today? Ok, here we go…
There are people who believe in you, so believe in yourself. You might have slipped back a little, but like that ‘saying’ about an arrow… It’s pulled back only to launch forward. Sometimes life is like that. It can pull you back to where you can’t take anymore. And just like that, life starts to move forward. Hmmm… We will go with that. Hang in there, Laura. Find yourself again. I had a good friend tell me once… How much their life was blessed. She told me how she couldn’t ask for a better life. Your words, so perfectly timed, pulled me out of a deep pit. Read your words again. Let it sink in. That joy and happiness is still in you. Get well. Get strong. Get yourself filled up again.
I have to confess… I actually wrote this message last night. I woke up in the middle of the night and told myself… I can’t send it. How can you feel blessed when you are feeling so bad? I struggled with this. Had my moment and then fell back to sleep. This morning, I decided to send it to you. I had to. Because your message exemplifies just who you are. Even in those rough days, we must find joy. We have to find the good in all the bad. The blessings are there. Those are the things we must focus on. We have to… To bring the smile back.’
“It’s a good day. I am up, dressed, and brushed my teeth. I can do this. Come today if you can, at 2:30, to be with Amanda and I when I get my hair shaved off. We are also going to look at wigs. If you can and want to come.”
‘Yeah, I can. Tell me where.’
This was another day I won’t forget…
I met Laura and Amanda at the beauty shop. Laura’s hair was falling out in clumps just like it was before. It kind of surprised me that it happened so soon. When I was at her house the other day, she reached up and showed me. This time she had the most disgusting look on her face. I’m sure this played a role in part of her depression. Losing your hair once is kind of what you expect, but losing your hair twice… I’m sure that knocks you to your knees.
Amanda texted me as soon as they left KU. They would be stopping for lunch and should be there a little after 1:30. I asked her to send me a text when they were done, and I would meet them in the parking lot.
Once we arrived, we walked thru the salon doors to meet with Laura’s stylist. We talked for a quick minute, and then the four of us walked to the wig shop next door. She introduced us to the manager who explained to Laura, the different types of wigs and the best wig liners. She began to bring a few over to have Laura try them on. The walls were covered with every color of hair and style. Long, short, curly, and straight, Laura had more than enough to choose from.
My first thought was that Laura didn’t want to be there. During her first set of treatments, we talked about getting a wig. Laura wanted no part of it. Laura wanted to be herself.
Me, being me, had to lighten the load…
‘Hey Laura, here’s a red one. Have you ever thought about being a redhead? How about this blonde one? They say blondes have more fun.’
I could see the nervousness she was containing. This was something she didn’t want to do.
“Try on a few,” her stylist said. “Once you find one you like, I can cut it to the style that fits you.”
After she tried on several that she shook her head at, we finally found the perfect one.
‘This one looks great, Laura. I can’t believe how much it looks like you.’
Her eyes shifted from the table in front of her, to the mirror reflecting her old self. You could see her eyes light up as she gently pulled on the hair behind her ear. This wig looked like Laura’s old hair style. The one she hadn’t seen in over a year. A smile came on her face as we all said we loved it.
“I guess it will do,” she said. I’m not sure how much I’ll wear it. I do need something for the wedding.”
She let out a sigh of relief to finally find one, then took in a deep breath as we walked back to the salon.
We walked thru the doors and sat down at Amber’s station. A cape was draped around her neck and a couple of pumps to lift her in the chair. In an instant, Laura’s chattiness returned to silence. She sat there staring off into space. It was in that moment that we all became quiet, for we knew what was coming ahead. The stylist excused herself to gather a few things and Laura continued to stare off to who knows where. She moved back and forth in her seat and stopped only a few times to look back at herself in the mirror.
How hard that must be to see yourself looking normal, and know in a few minutes, you’re going to be seeing cancer’s return.
‘Hey Laura, how about you start off slow. You can have her shave a lightning bolt on the side of your head. I hear that’s a thing now.’
You bet, I got one of those looks. I also got a “Oh hell no.”
‘Ok then, do you want me to do it. If I do it, I’ll shave the girls and I’s names right about here. I can add a little heart, so people know we love you.’
Yep… Another look.
Amber returned and asked if she was ready.
“Just get it over with,” she said.
I watched that light, we just saw in Laura’s eyes, leave as she took one last look in the mirror. She closed her eyes for a moment and dropped her head, as Amber ran her fingers through her hair.
“Yeah, it really is starting to fall out. You’ll feel better once it’s done.”
Layer by layer the hair fell to the floor. This time, I dropped my head.
It’s not an easy thing to watch. I felt so sorry for my friend.
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2016…
“Treatment #3. Doing ok. Got up and got dressed today. Didn’t throw up brushing my teeth. That’s a good thing. Went to treatment today. My sugar is high. Like 150. I have to go back tomorrow to have it rechecked. I took cough medicine last night for my cough. It’s crackling now, so I took a different medicine. We are thinking that might be it. My potassium is down, so they gave me a horse pill to take. Hopefully, everything will be ok. After that, we went to find me a wig. It was tough but I found one. I liked it. Everyone liked it. Amanda, Deb, and Amber were there to help. Then Amber shaved my head. It’s ok and I am ok with it. Just been an emotional day. Feeling very tired. Went to Chipotle for lunch and then home to rest.”
‘Don’t get down again. You look great.’
“Thank you for being there today for me and Amanda. I really appreciate all that you do. Thank you so much.”
‘You bet. I tried to lighten the mood. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. I think you know that. Hope you do.’
“Yes, I know that. I appreciate it. It was a tough day, but now it’s over.”
And just like that, we were back to talking about everyday life. The bumps that Laura has been having, are one by one fading away. Well, we hoped they were. The problem is… Another one hits.
Thursday, March 24th, 2016…
“Got up and went to the doctor’s office to draw blood for my sugar count. My port decided not to work today, so they gave me some medicine to clear it. So, I was there longer than I thought. My count came back even higher than yesterday, 204. So now I’m on a new prescription. Not what I wanted considering I don’t eat much. Very disappointing but hopefully, it will be short term. After my appt. I went to get gas, get my medicine and home to relax before the party for Elizabeth. Everyone is coming over for the party. Having pizza and cake. Can’t believe Elizabeth is 1 yr. old today. It was a good evening. Amanda brought her poster, balloons, cake plate, everything and we had a party. Elizabeth played in her cupcake. She even went for a bite of the cake. It was so cute. It was a good party.”
Laura didn’t make it to Elizabeth’s party, so Amanda had another party and brought it to her. This was more than a good day for Laura, this was one of the best.
The days went on as good as they could be. Her journal entries… Still having a hard time.
One day after lunch, I helped her with a few errands. I noticed once again, she wasn’t herself. I asked her a question and she didn’t answer, she blew it off like she has before. That evening I received a text…
“You asked me what I was thinking. A year ago, it was almost over. This time there is no end. That’s where I lost my fight. I am slowly getting it back. I have a lot to live for. But this is so hard. I mean hard. I am fighting. I want to be here. I really do. It has taken a toll on my body. I will get there. I promise. I’m just so tired.”
‘So, if you think you’re going to give up, I’m going to say NO you’re not! I just read a post about a lady who has stage 4 cancer and is doing great. It’s been over 3 years. I scrolled through the page and saw the word… Believe. So now, I’m speaking it to you. You can slip all you want. You can even fail. But by golly, you will NOT just give up.’
“I didn’t say I was giving up. I was down. Way down. But I am fighting back. That’s not what I meant in my text. So, apologize. Lol.”
‘Ok. Yes, I’m sorry. I’m glad to hear you’re not giving up.’
“So, are you mad?”
‘No, I’m not mad. Are you?’
“No.”
‘I really thought you were going there, and yeah, you did. You know, the dark place. You know how I feel about this. You can’t get depressed. I know that’s easy to say. I know. I know. I know. But you know, I have been there. I know what you tell yourself when you feel like that. None of it is true. I woke Clint up the other night. I had something on my mind. I talked it out and then I was ok. I told him, I finally figured it out. I never knew why I slipped into that depression. I know how it happened now. I kept it all inside, all of it. I didn’t tell anyone, not even him. Don’t do that. Please, don’t keep it all to yourself. It will tear you up.’
“I know. I didn’t want to go there either. But it happened. Now I am working on getting better. I can do this. Each day, I tell myself it is getting better. I will get there.”
‘Don’t get down and don’t give up. I’m glad you are starting to feel better. I saw a man on TV today, he said… When you feel fear, put your hand on your heart. Think of something that brings you great joy. Feel that joy in your heart. Now… Think of something else that brings you joy. Feel that in your heart. Do this three times. Now go back and try to feel that fear. The fear is no longer there. It can’t survive where there is joy.’
“That’s true. I will get there. I will.”
‘I know you are working on it. If you need some medication to help you feel better, then ask for it. I know the hold this can have on you. I wish I had something to help me, back then. We made a deal not to let each other go to the dark place and I thought MAYBE you might be getting there. I didn’t want to say anything because I figured it would upset you. I feel bad for not reaching out. I should have listened to myself. I’m sorry.’
“Don’t be sorry. Remember, when I don’t feel well, I shut down. I shut way down this time. I didn’t pray, talk or anything. I am getting better now. I promise. I didn’t want to talk. I was in my dark place. Don’t like that spot.”
‘Well that hit deep. I don’t like that place either.’
“Me either.”
I left the conversation like that. Laura went to the place that I was supposed to keep her from.
8:39 P.M…
‘I went back and read more of that woman’s blog. The one I told you that had stage 4 cancer. She had three years’ worth of blog posts. I scrolled thru until God stopped me at one titled… ‘Time to start believing again.’ In it, she talks about how she got away from the power of FULLY having faith in God and what He is capable of. She realized she can’t have faith with room for fear. She had to let it go again. She wrote how she had to tell herself… It’s time to start believing again. Let go and let God. As soon as you do, He will be able to work His magic. Always keep the faith, Laura. Oh yeah… She has been given messages from God. She said, she just needs to listen.’
“That is good. Something for me to reach for.”
The last thing I sent her was another one of those quotes.
Underneath it I wrote…
‘This is why I save these things on my phone. It’s because we need them.’
~Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.~ Power of Positivity~