Chapter 33
“I just want to hit something. I am tired of coughing. It sucks.”
‘I know a few people you can hit. Did they say how long you would be coughing?’
“Lol. No. It is so frustrating.”
‘Do you feel any better?’
“I am ok.”
‘Just ok??’
“Yes.”
‘Is it a tickle or are you coughing up stuff?’
“I am coughing up stuff.”
‘Well, are you any happier?’
“I am ok.”
‘That seems to be your word for today. Are you still running a fever?’
“Yes. Just ok. In a funk. Don’t really want to talk about it or anything right now. Not mad or anything. Just nothing. Fever 99.5.”
Sunday, February 28th, 2016. Journal entry…
“The kids came over. Amanda and Rachel made dinner. It was good and good to see them. Not feeling too well. This cough is something else. Still coughing and coughing up stuff. I am so tired of this. Been running a fever. Feel like crap. Loved seeing Caleb and Elizabeth and playing with them. Now, I just need to rest. Wasn’t feeling very well this month. I got way behind on my journal. So now I am trying to update the best I can. This month was a hard month. Felt very tired, sick, coughing, and throwing up. Not the best month. I was very down, depressed and not wanting to go on. Rough, rough month.”
Monday morning, Laura sent me a text saying she just wasn’t feeling well. Her text said, she was running behind and would be there soon. She stated in bold letters, I am coming into work no matter what.
She was feeling a little better, but not quite 100 %. She needed out of the house and her mind on something else. I knew there was no arguing with her. She’s going to do what she wants to do. Not long after that first text, I received another…
“Culver’s might be calling me to come eat. Lol. Maybe we could go tomorrow.”
‘Sure Laura, we can go. It’s been awhile since we have been.’
I always know when Laura is feeling a little down. It seems like that is when she starts sending me quotes. Another handful of pins from her Pinterest account with the words underneath… “Read this. It is good.” Most of these that I have read, I find are speaking to herself. A few would speak to anyone and some yeah… They speak to me. But most of the time, these are things Laura needs to hear. Encouraging messages of hope. I sent her something from another blog I was reading. It was about how this woman wanted to be remembered. I told her to read it and tell me what she thinks.
‘This woman is talking about how she wanted to live her life. She stated… She wanted to live a life well lived, but also a life well loved. Think about it, Laura. She wanted to be someone who loves people so deeply, that in return, that love circled around back to her. Wow. What do you think?’
“That is good. That is happiness.”
‘So, question… Are you ready to get happy again?’
“Getting there. Almost.”
‘I am working on that too.’
Laura remained quiet for several days. We didn’t talk about much other than work. I looked at her journal entries. Some days were left empty, and the others, a simple line or two. If there was an entry that talked about how she was feeling… It was the same feeling every day.
Tuesday, March 1st. Journal entry…
“Still coughing. Getting so tired of this.”
Wednesday, March 2nd.
“Went to my appt.”
Thursday, March 3rd.
“Today, I closed at work.”
Friday, March 4th.
“Not a good day. Throwing up and coughing. Having
rough day. It reminds me of a year ago in January. This
coughing sucks. My stomach muscles hurt from doing so
much coughing. Laid around today. Feel like crap.”
Saturday, March 5th.
“Same as Friday. Not feeling well at all. Lots of coughing
and throwing up. Getting so tired of this. Not wanting to
talk to very many people. Just want to be left alone.”
Sunday, March 6th.
“The same as Friday and Saturday. Maybe a little
better. Not much. Going to try and work on Monday.”
Monday, March 7th.
“Went to work. Closing today. Deb came by and we
finished planning out the rest of the year. Good to be
done with this. Feeling very tired.”
Tuesday, March 8th.
———- Nothing
Like I said, Laura didn’t feel like talking. I’m guessing she is worried about her upcoming appointment. Wednesday would be the first day of her clinical trial. I checked in with her to see how she was feeling…
‘So, I haven’t heard much from you. Does that mean you still feel bad?’
“Well, I wish I was better. At times I feel better, and then it hits again. It sucks. I just want it to go away. Didn’t feel like talking. Sorry.”
‘I know. No reason to be sorry. You said you didn’t want to talk to anyone.’
“I feel like I am living this again. Are you out running around?”
‘What do you need?’
“I’m working on stuff. Do you want to come by and help?”
‘Okay, I’ll be there in a few.’
It seems like Laura has been asking me to come up to work and sit with her more often. The days that she is closing, are the days that she would call. I don’t know if she needed someone to help her, someone to talk to, or someone to keep her mind on something else. This was the beginning of my many trips of sitting with Laura while she worked.
‘Hey, I have a book I want you to read.’
“About?”
‘Well you know me, I’m your goofy friend. I’m the one who has all this strange coincidental stuff that happens. I’m the one who tells you the stories about the feathers and how I believe they are from heaven. I have that child-like mentality that believes when I see a red cardinal, that my mom is near. Anyway, remember several months back when you were having a hard time. It was one of those middle of the night conversations. I didn’t know what to say to you. I blurted out, read Psalm 91. I pray that every day. Remember when I was on that island and you said something that blew me away… “I couldn’t ask for a better life.” Well I didn’t tell you about it then, but I did tell you about the boat ride. We were riding a jet boat out to the island. We were going so fast and the wind was blowing so hard. I was amazed to find the most perfect white feather at my feet. It was like the ones you see in a picture book. I picked the feather up and put it in my pocket. I couldn’t believe it didn’t blow away.
I was thinking about our conversation before I left, and how I told you about Psalm 91. After our conversation in the golf cart, I knew this feather was yours. It was yours to go into your memory box. I came up to work to see you when I got home. You were in the nursery room with all the babies. I walked over, leaned down, and put that feather in your hand. I handed you a piece of paper with Psalm 91. I told you to read it. I said now read 91:4. ~HE will cover you with His feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.~
I told you to read on. Now 91:11 ~ For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.~
I told you, His angels are protecting us. He is protecting you. Do you remember this?’
“Yes, I remember.”
‘I told you just last week, how I was up worrying all night. I couldn’t sleep at all. Remember me telling you about getting on Facebook and the first thing I see is a video reciting Psalm 91. We went over to visit with Clint’s mom. I’ve been over there a million times. After I sat down and we were talking, I stop in the middle and say… They have a book about it?? On her end table was a book titled Psalm 91. I asked her about it. She said, a lady that lives down the hall from her apartment was taking it to the book sale. Carol saw it and said how she liked that Psalm. The woman asked her if she would like to have it and of course she said yes. I picked the book up and looked through it. While I was glancing thru it, I told her my conversation with you. She tried to get me to take it home and I told her I would buy my own. A few days later, she shows up at my house. She had been to the bookstore and bought the very last one. I just got done reading it. I read it all at once. God’s protection is there for the asking. There are some amazing stories in this book. It’s individual stories that people have shared, who believe in this Psalm. It was also known as the military’s prayer. There were lots of soldiers that would pray this before combat. I can’t believe she had this book. Is it coincidence? I don’t know. But it was sure right in front of my face. The little kid in me thinks… Maybe that’s why it’s me. Maybe that’s why I am in your life. Maybe all this has played out in our lives for me to share this with you. Maybe He wanted you to know all His protection is there. You just need to ask for it. So, will you read it?’
“That’s a cool story. I will read it. I promise.”
‘Do you think I am nutty? Haha.’
“Nope.”
We didn’t talk about her appointment. It was scheduled for Wednesday like all the others. The days leading up to it were spent talking about something else. I thought maybe things would change come Tuesday night. In the past, I would always get a nervous text the night before. Not this time. The evening was spent talking about work. There were no late-night texts. No middle of the night conversations. Not even a single early morning text saying how nervous she was. Laura always gets the jitters before a new round of treatments. I’m not sure what’s going on in her head.
Would I say she is okay? No. This is not like her.
Wednesday, March 9th, 2016…
‘How’s it going? Are you doing okay?’
“Ok. Been sleeping.”
‘Did you throw up this morning?’
“Yes.”
Laura had to be at KU early that morning. This would be the first day of her clinical trial. She was told to expect a long day filled with testing, monitoring, and testing again. The process would take around 8 to 9 hours. Amanda was going to be there in the morning to get her started, and I was coming to relieve her after I got off work. This way Amanda could be home with the kids. As much as Laura wanted to get started with this clinical trial, she was also dreading the beginning of something new.
My Wednesday morning text…
“Chemo- Round 3. I never thought I would be saying those words. But here we are. So, I will start off my chemo day message like I have done the other two times. I will say…
Day 1. Chemo 3… Don’t forget to thank God. It took me over a week to think of what to say. Should I give you a pep talk?? I don’t think you need one, at least not now. Do I want to say… Let’s get this done so you can feel better, or do I want to say how sorry I am that we are even having this kind of conversation. I could just say our ‘go to’ phrase… This sucks. That always seems to cover it all anyway.
I don’t know. I really don’t know what to say. So, I think I will tell you (just like all the other times) what comes to my mind, which usually comes from my heart. My heart tells you to hang in there, stay strong and believe. I want you to smile and keep your laughter. I want you to know that I’m still here to talk to, no matter what, when, or how many times. I’m sorry you have to go thru this. I wish I had the power to take it away. Please know, that God has got you. He always has. He’s not afraid of the things you are. Hold your head up high and trust with all your heart. We will be thinking of you and praying for you.’
I didn’t hear back from her like I have on chemo days in the past. I would imagine they are keeping her pretty busy. I don’t know. She is quiet. She’s not herself. She is different. I guess we will see how she is, after she is done with today.
I checked in with Amanda instead…
‘Is mom getting chemo? I haven’t heard from her.’
“Yes, she is. Her labs are good, probably too good for her. She is still coughing a lot. She is frustrated by that. She just got the trial drug and now we wait until 10. She is getting nausea meds and starting the chemo. They will draw labs for awhile to watch how she reacts.”
‘Ok, thanks. I’m so glad she is getting it.’
“Yes, me too. I know she doesn’t feel good and that frustrates her. She hasn’t been the most positive today.”
‘She will be okay. Today makes everything real again. It got to me too.’
“I know. It is surreal for sure. It is real. Let’s be honest, it sucks. I love her. I just want her to feel better.”
When pre-school was over, I grabbed some lunch and then headed down the highway to meet up with Laura. The cancer center is located on the west side of The Country Club Plaza. From our house, it’s a thirty-minute drive. Wow, everything is so different. It’s going to take some getting used to.
I sent my text and told them I was there.
‘I’m here. Where do I go?’
“Take the elevator to the 2nd floor. Amanda will meet you there.”
Amanda met me at the elevator and walked me back to the room.
‘How’s she doing?’
“She’s very quiet.”
I could see Laura from the hallway as we approached her room. I was surprised to see her lying on a hospital type bed. I guess I was expecting it, to be like it was at the other place. The cancer center we were used to, was bright and cheery with a handful of chairs set up in a half circle. This was a private room. Not a hospital room. Not even a doctor’s type of an exam room. It was plain simple room at the end of a hall. It was long with a hint of a L-shape, with a TV set up in the far corner. Across from it, a table and two chairs. These chairs were located at the foot of Laura’s bed. The room was grey in color with two large windows butted up to each other to make a corner wall. Out those windows, you could see a small parking lot. At the opposite of the room, behind Laura’s head, was the nurse’s station. A wall full of grey cabinets, a computer, paperwork, and medical stuff. From what I can remember, the bed Laura was lying on, was kind of like in the middle of the room. The head of it didn’t even reach the edge of those cabinets.
Like I said before… This sure wasn’t what I was expecting to see.
Laura’s eyes were closed when I got there. I knew she wasn’t asleep. She was the one who just answered my text. I said… ‘Hi Laura, are you doing alright?’ She shook her head yes.
Amanda gave me a rundown of the morning, as a nurse came in to take more vitals. Laura opened her eyes to answer a few questions then closed them as soon as the nurse left. Amanda and I talked for a few more minutes. She told me how she set up an appointment to get some family pictures taken. She wanted to have this done because she knew Laura would soon lose her hair. Amanda told me Laura didn’t want to talk about it. She acted like she wasn’t interested in any pictures. I remember telling her, I think it’s a great idea. I told Laura, get the pictures. You will be glad you did.
Amanda had to leave to go pick up the kids. She told her mom goodbye and talked a few minutes with the nurse. Now it was just me and Laura. I thought maybe she might open up and talk but instead she kept her eyes closed. For the next three hours she didn’t say a word. I watched TV as she slept. The only conversations that were had in that room were conversations with the nurse. After the last round of blood draws and waiting, we were finally released to go home.
Oh my gosh, you bet it was a long day. It was a long day for all of us. Amanda and Laura arrived a little before nine. I got there at one and back home at six. I can only imagine how tired Laura must feel. She had every right to be quiet. Oh, she was quiet for a long time. As soon as we got in the Jeep, the old Laura was back. We were talking and laughing like we would normally do. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what changed in her. I was just glad she was back.
Wednesday, March 9th, 2016. Journal entry…
“1st day of chemo and clinical trial. Today was a very long day. Lots going on. Had another EKG and blood draws. After that I was able to eat. An hour later, it is pill time. Slept in between and rested. Then 30 minutes later, pre-meds for chemo. After that, chemo for 30 minutes. Amanda went to Longboards for lunch. Then blood draws off and on until 4:00. Amanda had to leave, so Deb came so she could go home. It was a long day. I rested and came home feeling ok. Still coughing and still coughing up stuff. She increased my Mucinex to 2 each. 2 times a day.”
The next several days were horrible for Laura. I don’t know which I should let you read first, our text conversation or her journal. Neither one of them were good. Here we go…
6:47 A.M.
“I am not coming in today. Have diarrhea. I let Kathy know and told her this is a side effect from the pills. I told her I would let her know how I was doing later and if I was better, I would come in around 1 or 1:30. I wanted you to know too. This sucks.”
7:25 A.M.
“I feel horrible. I don’t want to feel like this. I hope these pills stay down. I am worried.”
7:41 A.M.
“I can’t do this. I can’t. Now throwing up. Someone take this away.”
I was away from my phone and didn’t see any of these texts. I finally had the chance to answer her almost an hour later…
‘You need to eat crackers or toast. You need something to coat your stomach. Have you taken the pills yet?’
“I ate some toast. Waiting to take the pills. I have to take them at 8:25. This sucks. I don’t want to do it.”
‘You have got to try and calm yourself down. Getting all worked up just aggravates it. Get up and move. Clean something. You do better when you are up and moving. Think about it… You are always better later in the afternoons. Maybe it thins things out when you are up and moving. Did you find your humidifier?’
“I know. I forgot about that.”
‘Eat some more toast. If you are too worried, take the pills later.’
“I will be ok. I will take them and eat later. I can eat around 9:30. I really don’t like this.”
‘You have to force yourself to eat. Eat some pudding. You need something on your stomach before those pills. If your stomach is raw, those pills won’t help it.’
“I ate some toast.”
‘Stop getting mad and eat.’
“I will later.”
‘If you don’t have anymore diarrhea, get dressed, take the pills, and get out of the house. Go to Sonic and get a drink. Trick your mind and body to thinking that everything is alright. If you take the pills and then sit around, then you are going to think about throwing up. And since your Sonic is so slow… More time for the pills to dissolve.’
“Haha. Ok maybe.”
‘Get pissed and then take control again.’
“Ok.”
At 10:07 I received another text…
“I am doing ok. Going to take a shower.”
At 1:02…
“Just finished with my hair.”
And at 1:15…
“I went for a drive. Getting gas and then heading home.”
‘Did you eat lunch?’
“Nope.”
‘Do you want some?’
“Nope.”
‘I can bring you some. I’m at Wal Mart now. They have a poop shaped pillow. Did you want one?’
“No. LOL.”
‘You have to eat, Laura. I know how it is when you don’t feel like it. But if you don’t, you will get too thin. I have to push you. I know how you work, so don’t try hiding it from me when I ask.’
“I know. I am trying. I will find something, I promise. Thanks, Deb. Love you.”
7:07 A.M. Friday morning…
“Just want you to know that I am staying home again.”
‘Do you still have diarrhea?’
“Yes, not as bad but still have it. Just really weak. Getting up and moving around. Going to try and do some stuff. Sorry about today.”
‘Stop being sorry. The class will be fine.’
8:38 A.M.
“Note to self… No cinnamon sugar on toast.”
‘Uh oh.’
“Yep, not good. Threw it up. I thought I would try it. Bad, bad choice. Almost time to take pills. Wish me luck.”
‘Oh boy! Positive words and positive thoughts.’
“Make it go away.”
‘I’m not sure if I consider that positive talk.’
“Yep. Just asking for it to stop in a positive voice.”
‘Hahaha! That’s good.’
“Yep.”
Saturday, March 12th. 9:05 A.M…
‘How are you feeling?’
“Well, better. Still throwing up. Pills are down. A load of laundry in and started cleaning the kitchen. I’m pushing thru. Deb don’t yell. Just know that I am trying to eat. Really. I lost some more weight. 128 lbs. Never seen that number. At least, not in a very long time. I am eating. Just can’t eat much. I get full and feel sick. I don’t know what to do.”
‘Eat what you can tolerate. Even if it’s the same thing all day long. Not toast. Try milk shakes. Pudding. Fish sandwiches. I have told you this so many times… And you know it from your own experience… Force it down. Food is a foreign substance in your stomach right now. Once you push past that initial feeling, it won’t bother your stomach anymore. You also do better when you are not thinking about the food and just eating it. You scarfed down that salad the other day while talking to me. If you need me to go someplace and eat with you just say so. Listen to your body. You can do it. Tell yourself.’
“I know. I am eating and not thinking about it. Milk scares me. I don’t want to throw it up. I will eat. Going to lunch with my mom to Culver’s. We will see. I am telling myself I can do this.”
‘I promise you, once you push past this and force yourself… Meals won’t bother you anymore. You have to.’
“I will. Working hard on it.”
‘You told me I have been there every step of the way. I have only asked you for one thing in return. I will ask it again. Please eat. Please try, even if you throw it up. At least some nutrients will get in your body.’
Thirty minutes later…
“Ok. I am trying.”
‘Good. And one more thing… Yes, go ahead and tell me I am yelling at you. You have rested on that couch long enough. Get up! Keep moving. You are also losing muscle which is contributing to your weight loss. You are too strong of a pain in the ass woman to let this sickness win. Look in the mirror. Who is in control? Find yourself again.’
A few hours later…
“I have been up and working around the house. Done what I have set out to do. Just need to vacuum. Quit yelling at me. Lol.”
‘How are you feeling?’
“Better. Had a little dinner.”
‘Hey, just think. It’s a Saturday night after chemo and you are doing ok.’
“Yep. Feeling ok.”
‘That sounded like a song. Didn’t it?’
“Lol. Yes, it did. I looked back in my journal. I didn’t write down when I stopped coughing from a year ago. I failed. Lol.”
‘You were working. Sorry I called you a pain in the ass.’
“It’s ok. No worries. Lol.”
‘So, in your journal… Are you stating the facts, or did you write it like a story and say how you were feeling?’
“Both. My feelings are there.”
Now her journal entries…
Thursday, March 10th, 2016…
“Diarrhea woke me up at 4 A.M. and continued most of the morning. No work today. Throwing up now. Not having a good morning. Feeling like crap. Able to keep the pills down. Feeling very weak. The nurse from KU called to check on me. I told her about the diarrhea. She said to take some Imodium. That helped. Just feeling very weak. Still coughing. Coughing a lot up. It’s so crazy the amount I am coughing up.”
Friday, March 11th, 2016…
“No diarrhea but still throwing up in the morning. Hard to brush my teeth. That’s when it happens. About the same as yesterday. Cinnamon on toast is not a good idea. I threw it up and burned the back of my throat. It was horrible. Food is not good right now. Trying to eat. Losing weight. I’m at my lowest weight. 128 pounds. It’s crazy. It’s so hard to eat when nothing sounds good. I am trying to eat. Tried to do a few things around the house. Just trying to push thru this. It is so hard.”
Saturday, March 12th, 2016…
“Went to lunch with my mom, Amanda and the kids. We went to Culver’s. Had a nice lunch. I got my calendar out and actually made sure I had all the dates down. Amanda ran the vacuum for me throughout the house. It was good to have it done. Rachel is out of town in Iowa. Miss her when she is gone. Did some laundry and feeling a little better. Just like I have said, pushing through this. Still coughing and coughing up stuff. How much stuff (snot) can a person have? Crazy. Ready for it to stop.”
Sunday, March 13th, 2016…
“Did not throw up this morning. A plus for me. Feeling very drained today. Not much energy to do anything. Doing a lot of resting. I don’t usually fall asleep, just trying to relax and taking it easy.”
Monday, March 14th, 2016…
“Not feeling too well. Just so drained of energy. Trying hard to eat but it is so hard. Watched The Bachelor tonight. It was good.”
Oh boy! What a week. If it’s like this on week one… What’s week two going to be like? Next treatment is in a couple of days.
My Monday night text…
‘This one is good. ~Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.~’
“That is good.”
‘You need to get back to living the way God wants you to live. Doing the things, we were supposed to learn. Do you know what I mean? What we learned from this cancer thing. It’s deeper than your circumstances. Get well and then get there.’
“I know. I am going to be ok. I know. Just had to go thru some sucky stuff.”
Yeah Laura, you sure did.