Chapter 32
The closer it got to Laura’s next appointment, the more on edge Laura was. It seems like anything anyone would say, she would end up taking it the wrong way. I didn’t say anything to her. Instead, I watched as she went about her week. She didn’t talk about her cancer. She didn’t talk about her appointment. She didn’t talk about the kids, the grandkids or anything. If I asked her a simple question about eating, it was as if you accused her of doing something wrong. The fact is… She let it slip that she wasn’t eating again. I know she is stressed. Who wouldn’t be? However, I’m not sure if that’s the problem. I’m starting to believe maybe she IS in denial. She is the only one who is acting as if nothing is wrong. She has been jumping on people’s cases though and that is not like her. Most of this irritation is followed by… Just treat me as normal.
If I would text asking, how she was doing or what’s going on… She would avoid answering those questions. Instead, she would talk about something else.
“I think we need some new breast cancer shirts. Which of these do you like? I like this one, this one, and this one.” All captioned under a picture of each individual shirt.
Okay Laura, you don’t want to answer my questions… We will talk about shirts. I didn’t say that to her, but that is how I felt. The next several conversations were all about these t-shirts.
“We need to send out an order form for the girls at work. This one is cute… ‘On Wednesdays We Wear Pink’. We need this one because that’s what all of us do.”
The preschool and daycare staff has wrapped their arms around Laura. It is true that on Wednesdays we wear pink. We started wearing a pink shirt on the days Laura had her chemo treatments. For the past year, every treatment fell on Wednesday. It has kind of become our tradition. Even now, long after Laura has finished her treatments, you could find the girls wearing pink on Wednesdays.
The girls at work were eager to order new shirts. Each one of them ordered a handful of different designs. This made Laura happy. She knows how much they love and support her. The friendship we have with these women is strong.
Laura was still acting out of sorts, so I finally had to speak up and tell her how I felt.
‘Okay, let’s get this straight. Just because I share a story or say something, does NOT mean I think you are not doing it. If I thought you were slacking, by golly I would tell you. I’m just asking if you are ok. You asked me to get on your case about things. You told me to push you. If you don’t want to talk about it, just say so. On Monday, you told me how tired you were. Of course, I am going to ask if you are overdoing it. You did have a busy weekend with basketball. Tuesday, you said you were not feeling well and you were sore. You even went home and took some pain medicine because you felt so bad. Then let’s see… You said you got up at midnight and took another pain pill. You are falling asleep on the couch and sleeping there all night. Yeah… You let these things slip out in our conversations. What did you have to eat last night? Oh boy, a piece of toast and some milk. On top of that, you had another fever…100.2. What did you eat tonight? Nothing! Maybe something else is going on. Talk to your doctor and see why your ribs are hurting. You have to take care of yourself. Dang it Laura, there’s people who need you in their lives. As for the other stuff… Quit taking everything to heart. People don’t know what to say. What everyone was saying this week had nothing to do with you. You are not doing anything wrong. They care about you. They want you well. Everyone knows you’re strong. Heck, you’re one of the strongest people I know. I admire that. As for me… I’ll jump your case if it needs jumping. Another thing… I know you have cancer. I don’t see cancer. I see my friend who is having a hard time. You’re the one who pushed their way into my life, dang it! You had to go and become one of my best friends. I care about you. Now does that make you feel bad for yelling at me all week? It should! HAHA! Do what the Docs tell you and get well. We have a lot more life to live. Got it??’
“I got it. Lol. I will keep going. I appreciate everything you have done for me and my family. Everything is going to be ok.”
Well, that didn’t get us anywhere. Now, did it? She’s still going to keep things to herself. We know that’s not a good thing to do. Fine, I will give her time. She can have all the time she needs. It’s going to hit her. I know it will. It always does. Keeping it in is not good.
‘Okay Laura, have a good night. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.’
Early in the morning, my phone goes off. I knew it was coming. I didn’t expect it to be so soon. Maybe I should have gotten myself a little more prepared. I knew there was stuff going on in her head, I just didn’t know what.
This conversation I wasn’t ready for or one I wanted to have. I’m starting to feel like this advanced cancer is out of my… ‘Basic know what to do to help your friend’ league. I am again asking myself… Why is it me? Now that she wants to talk… I don’t know if I am ready either.
3:07 A.M.
“I don’t want to die. I don’t. Please make this go away. I don’t want this anymore. It’s scary.”
I reached over and picked my phone off my bedside table. I couldn’t get past the first five words. How am I going to know what to say or how to answer this? I went to bed believing that maybe Laura really is handling this better than I thought. She was the one who has been strong and courageous. I was starting to believe… Maybe she really IS doing okay.
3:10 A.M.
“I read a story before bed about a young 35 yr. old woman who died of breast cancer. Same as me. From breast to lungs to liver. Very painful. Ok I am having my moment. Ok. I don’t want this. Ok.”
I finally mustered up some words to tell her. It took me almost ten minutes to reply…
3:19 A.M.
‘I know it’s scary and I know it sucks. Right now, in this very moment, all you are doing is letting the fear in. I read some stories too. Like the one, I recently told you. That woman said her breast cancer had spread too. She has lots and lots of spots. Some of those spots were very large. She said she listens to what her doctor’s tell her, gets her treatments, and lives her life. It’s been 20 years. She is still going and still living. Brandi just told me another story… At her parent teacher conferences tonight, a mom told her she had cancer. I think it was breast cancer. She told Brandi, she has chronic cancer. I have never heard it said that way before. That is an interesting way to put it. The lady said she would always have it. She takes her medicine and goes in for treatments every 3 weeks. It will be that way from now on. She told Brandi, she is happy and doing well.’
Before I could finish, Laura sent me another text…
“I know. It just hit me. I won’t give up. I will keep on going. It just hit me. Having pain in my arm. Scary.”
‘Listen. The other night I was watching the news. I saw a story about a car full of teenagers who were killed. The news said, they were passing a car and hit the car in the other lane, head on. Seeing stuff like this bothers me. That is scary too. The thing is… You hear about stuff like this all the time. You see people with cancer all the time. It’s all scary.’
“I know. I don’t want God to be mad or upset with me. I am not ready to go. No one is. I just want to be here living. Just to be normal.”
‘I was listening the other night to my buddy, Joel. He said, in the Bible it says to fix your thoughts on the good. Focus on good things. I have heard this many times before, but this time I heard it in a different way. He said when you are watching the news or thinking too much on the wrong things, quickly focus your thoughts on the good. Focus on God. He said things can be sad and scary, but you cannot let that stuff get inside you. The bad, the sad, even the scary. Think about it. We should all be this way.’
“I know. I have read that too. Most the time I feel that way. The story just made me think that I have a tough road ahead. Maybe. We will see. Sorry to wake you. Have to take something for this pain in my arm and back. Get some sleep. Thank you.”
‘Why would God be upset or mad at you? If God is our Father and you are His child, and we are supposed to be childlike, then you can ask for anything. We can also (like a child) get mad, stomp our feet, and say what we want, and still be able to fall back under the security of our Father. You want your kids to ask for it all. You want them to come to you when they need you. Don’t you? I do. One more thing… Remember back about 8 years or so when you were in the hospital. You told me someone from the church came to visit you. What you told me was… You felt horrible, like you were going to die. This person told you to ask God to have mercy on you. You told me it helped. Okay, then ask again.’
“Yes, I remember. Thanks. I know God doesn’t get mad at us. He knows what is ahead and what is going to happen. He knows everything. I am just having my moment. I told you it might come. It is always after the fact. It might happen again after Wednesday’s appt. too. Not then, but probably later.”
There was a pause for a while. I thought that maybe this conversation was over. A few minutes later, I received another text…
“We have a caring and trusting and loving God. Deb, I know and I believe He has this. I know that deep in my heart. I needed my moment to just cry it out.”
Oh boy, now she is crying. I can’t stand it when people cry. I have to do something to lighten the mood.
‘You called me Deb!’
“Hey, can you text me or call me to make sure I am up? I took a pain pill. Yes I did, Deb. Lol.”
‘Good. I’m glad you got it all out. Now fear has less control. Yes, I will text you.’
I set my phone back on my nightstand, rolled over, and closed my eyes. Ten minutes later, my phone goes off again.
“Did you know this would happen? My moment.”
‘Well, I was worried you would keep it all in and that wouldn’t be good. Now you have room inside for trust. It will happen again. Just remember to dump out the fear. Get rid of the trash. You are going to have to make room, to fill yourself up.’
“That’s a good way to put it. I know. I have to process things a lot and then it hits me. Always been that way. Just give me time. Thanks for listening. See you in a few hours. Lol.”
4:07 A.M…
‘Goodnight Laura. I mean morning. Oh crap, I don’t know what time or day it is.’
“Thanks Deb. Lol.”
Friday, February 5th, 2015. Journal entry…
“Busy day at work. Basketball went well tonight. The games were very close. Didn’t feel well. Came home and went to bed. This week I have felt drained. Had a rough night. It hit me about my cancer. I just cried it out. Texted Deb and had my moment. Now it’s time to move on. Just scary. I want to be here. I know in my heart, God has this. I just want everyone to be able to do what they want to do and not worry about me. I love them so much.”
Laura has been better since she got her emotions out. She is back to being her old self. She’s been laughing, talking, and even joking. That does not mean she isn’t nervous about her upcoming appointment, it means she is doing much better than she was before.
Wednesday, February 8th, 2016…
“We all met with Dr. S. from KUMC to see what she might have to say. Had a brief physical with a nurse practitioner and then met with the Doctor. My sister, Debbie, David, Rachel, and Amanda were there as well. Kellie was in the waiting room. I am eligible for two clinical trials. At this time, there are no openings. Right now, she would like to get fresh scans so we know what we are dealing with. Not a lot of questions asked because there still is an unknown. I was set up for my tests. MRI on abdomen is set for Friday. This was such a big laugh. The scheduler kept saying tomorrow which was Thursday. In reality, it was on Friday. Lol. Then the following Wednesday, Feb. 17th, a bone scan and CT scan of my chest.”
I was taking that Friday off to go with Clint out of town. We were going on a day trip to Springfield about three hours away. At first, I wasn’t going to go. Laura had her MRI scheduled and I wasn’t sure about the time. She assured me that everything was fine. She would be there to teach our class. Her appointment wouldn’t be until later in the afternoon.
It wasn’t too long into my trip when I received a picture of Kathy, Laura, and Stacey. The text read…
“We’re having fun. Look! We’re at the beach.”
In the background was the poster we have on our classroom wall. In other pre-k classes, they have cartoon decorations on the walls (which we do). But on one wall in our classroom, we have pictures of the beach. The kids love it because Ms. Laura loves it. They call it Ms. Laura’s beach. I answered them back…
‘You can’t be having more fun than I am. Who doesn’t love looking at old rusty car parts? Ha!’ I sent back a picture with a strange look on my face. I guess I should let you know… Clint asked me to go with him to a car parts swap meet. Oh boy!
“LOL. We are laughing at you. How’s it going?”
‘Well… I think I am overdressed. Do you know how many waves of farts I have walked thru? These men don’t care. The aroma of farts and rust are all around me.’
“We have it here too. Lol.”
‘Apparently, if you are looking for a certain car part, you hang a sign around your neck stating so. HA! I am learning so much.’
The girls laughed and sent me another picture.
“We’re taking care of everything in your attendance book.”
‘Oh shit! I think I need to sit down.’
“Lol. We are just messing with you. Have a good day.”
This is the Laura we were all missing, the one who was always happy and fun. For a moment… Life did feel a little like normal. She’s back to giving me a hard time. There’s an inside joke about my attendance book. Everyone who works there knows about the silly stuff I write in it. They also know I don’t like anybody messing up my book. You guessed it. They did. They sent me a picture to show me. Oh boy!
An hour and a half later, I get another picture and text.
“Do you miss us? OR Do you want to go to another car parts show? Lol.”
I thought I was supposed to be taking the day off. I guess not, at least not from these Yahoos. That’s okay. The picture they sent me was good. They all had the biggest smiles on their face. Just like old times.
On our drive home, I had time to think about this past week. I had time to think about all the changes. I looked out the window up into the nighttime sky. There were a million stars as far as you could see. There’s just that ‘something’ about being in the country away from all the city lights. Here’s another time, when something random popped into my head…
Have you ever been out in the open where everything is so quiet, so clear, so black, and so full of stars? You look up and see how they shine so bright. It is in moments like this, if you allow yourself and take it all in, that life becomes so simple and clear. Sometimes, our lives become cloudy. We see nothing but darkness. Just like in the nighttime sky, the stars are still there shining down on us. We can’t see them with all the clouds in the way. It’s like that with God. When our lives get dark, we look up for God. And even though we cannot see Him, we look for some sense of Him so we are not so alone in the dark. Just like the stars hidden behind all the clouds… God is still there. Never removed. Night after night. Continually shining His light down on us.
I’m thinking this was a message for me.
‘Hey Laura, I read a couple of blogs about people with triple negative mets. They are still going strong. Some have had theirs 14, 17, 20 plus years. One lady has had it for over 30 years. They all said the same thing… They stay positive. They talked a lot about hope. They kept busy, exercised to keep their strength up, and forced food down when it didn’t taste so good. Oh, and they laughed a lot. That will be you. I can already see it. The lady going on 30 plus said she joked a lot about having cancer. She reminded me of you. She said, she didn’t have time for naps because she has things to do. I also read an article on cancer fatigue. It’s a real thing. It actually said, the opposite works. Take no more than a 45 min. nap then get up and do something. Of course, get 8 hours of sleep.’
“That will be me. Feeling ok. Just achy. Scared. Just wish I knew the plan. You know.”
‘Try some exercises to see if that helps with the achiness. This lady said she never lets the negative words come out of her mouth. Hmm, imagine that. She said when she would get her chemo treatments she would close her eyes and visualize the medicines working in her body. Each day, she would tell herself how good she felt. I know you are scared. Walk in faith. God is not scared of the things you are. You don’t have to pretend that you aren’t. Naming your fear is part of getting through it. When you find yourself trembling or scared, try and remember you are never alone. He is right there with you. Whisper to Him I know you are here.’
“Okay, I will.”
Wednesday, February 17th, 2016…
“Test day. Had the CT scan. It went well. Then we were able to leave to go eat. Didn’t feel like doing anything. Very quiet today. Amanda is worried. When I don’t feel well, I get quiet. Thought eating would help. Nope. Fell asleep in the sun and took a nap in the car at the top of a parking garage before heading back for the bone scan at 1. I know I was running a fever. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Was able to do the test and then home to rest.”
I checked in with her later that night…
‘How were the scans? Do you feel any better?’
“Chilling. Still achy. I think I am trying to catch something. Scans were fine. Bone scan, the tech said looked good. No cracked ribs.”
‘Good to hear about your ribs.’
“Deb, I am staying positive. Attitude is good. This achy pain in my ribs scares me. It’s the what-ifs. Is this the pain I will have? I don’t know. Has it spread? The waiting sucks. I can do this. What sucks is, there is no end to this. It is so hard to walk in that building right now. It feels like I am a number, another patient. There’s just no connection yet. They never called to inform me that I shouldn’t drink or eat anything on these tests. Since I have had them before, I just knew. I asked the nurse and she said they don’t call. The office should tell you. Nothing on my paper at all. It’s just so different than what I am used to. It’s so hard right now.”
‘It’s a very professional place. It’s one of the best! You will get used to the nurses. I know it sucks. Sorry, I wish it didn’t. I wish it was all different. But it’s not. And just like anything else in life… It is something you are going to have to get used to. Let yourself feel these new emotions and then deal with it the best way you can. You don’t have to be superwoman, just do the best you can. Take it one step at a time. When do you go back to find everything out? Did Amanda go with you?’
“Thank you. My appt. is next Wed. Yes, Amanda was with me. We sat in a parking lot on the roof today after we ate. I slept sitting in the sun. Slept all the way home and slept for an hour and a half. Not like me.”
‘Make a note to ask your doctor about the fatigue.’
“I talked to her last week.”
‘I got another email from The Gilda House. We can go anytime.’
“I know. Not right now. Just need to process everything.”
‘A lot of people are sick right now. You know… Anytime you need to talk (I don’t always have the answers), but we sure can talk it thru.’
“I know. Thank you. I’m going to have Rachel pick me up some medicine.”
Monday, Feb. 22nd. My 8:30 text…
‘How’s it going? You didn’t look like you felt good today. I heard you went home.’
No answer.
5:30 A.M., Tuesday morning…
“Sorry. Came home and went to bed. Can’t shake this. Fever, achy, cold. I feel like crap. Ran a fever all night. I will call the doctor today. I can’t seem to push thru this.”
‘Call Dr. M.’s office in case it is bronchitis. He will be able to give you something. The new Doc may just tell you to see your personal physician. You didn’t look good at all. Kathy told me you left the basketball meeting at 7:30. She was worried about you.’
“I will. I just couldn’t make it.”
‘Are you still feeling achy?’
“Yes. Coughing. Breathing.”
‘Call your doctor. If you need me to pick up a prescription, let me know. If you feel you need to go in sooner, like to the hospital, don’t hesitate to call. I know Rachel is out of town. I can take you.’
“Ok. Now I’m on the couch. Can’t sleep anymore. That is all I have done since Sat. night. Just sitting on the couch. Maybe I will eat something. Didn’t have any dinner. All I had was a baked potato for lunch and some Cheez-its.”
‘Are you sure you are ok? Don’t do this… ‘I’ll push it off and wait crap’. If you can’t breathe, go to the hospital. CAN you breathe ok?’
“I am better on breathing. This will suck if I do have bronchitis. This will be just like last year. Crap.”
9:57 A.M.
“I have an appt. at 11:30 today. Please let others know. Thanks.”
‘So how are you feeling? Still coughing?’
“Yes. And weak.”
At 11:59, I get a text from Amanda…
“We are at the doctor at Centerpoint. Mom has fluid around the lung. It’s secondary to the cancer. We are waiting to see what they will do. I know she is getting an antibiotic.”
‘Ok. Let me know if they keep her. Is the fluid because of the cancer or something else?’
“Cancer.”
It was Clint’s birthday. We usually go out for a birthday dinner, but Chase had to work that night, we went for lunch instead. At the end of our lunch, I get another text from Amanda…
“They are going to drain the fluid. Waiting to go do that. Would you come sit with me? Maybe?”
‘How is she holding up? Yes, I will. Give me a few minutes and I will be up. I have something to take care of and then I will head that way. Where are you at?’
“She feels awful and she is upset. At Centerpoint. If you go to the main part of the hospital, back by the gift shop, there is the radiology waiting area. Thank you.”
We finished our lunch, took Chase home and then Clint dropped me off at the hospital. He had a few errands to do and said he would pick me up later when I called. When I walked in through the hospital doors, I immediately saw the girls. I quietly walked over and sat down next to Amanda. I sat down, looked over at Laura, and didn’t say a word. She lifted her head up off her hands and gave me one of those looks. I shook my head and sat back in my chair. Laura went back to her semi-fetal position with her head in her hands and her body half way curled up in her lap. The three of us sat there in total silence. Amanda was scared. Laura was hurting. I was quiet. Within a couple of minutes, they called Laura back. That’s when I asked Amanda, how she was doing.
“Awful. She’s not talking much.”
That doesn’t surprise me. Laura doesn’t like to talk when she doesn’t feel good. She also doesn’t like to talk when she is mad about life.
The procedure didn’t take long and soon Laura was wheeled out to where we were sitting. I offered to drive her home and have Clint pick me up at her house. Laura drove herself to the doctor’s office and Amanda left work to meet her there. This way, Laura wouldn’t have to leave her car in the hospital parking lot. She also didn’t feel like driving.
‘The car is parked at the other end. Do you want to stay here and I will go get it or do you want us to wheel you down the hall?’
“Just push me. I don’t feel like walking.”
‘Okay. Here we go.’
This time Laura put her hand up on her head. She wasn’t bent over like she was before.
‘Hey Laura, just think… I will probably be pushing you around like this when you are old.’
I don’t think she liked my comment about pushing her in a wheelchair. I got another one of those ‘looks’.
“You’re funny. You are older than I am.”
My text to Amanda…
‘She is home and her couch is moved.’
Yes, Laura wanted her stupid couch moved from one room to the other. It didn’t matter how sick she was or that we just got home from the hospital. She wanted it moved now. I hope she is happy. I moved that freaking couch by myself. I may have to go to the hospital now. Sometimes she really can be a pain in the you know what. You bet, I told her so. Oh boy!
Back to my text…
‘I had her laughing a couple of times. I think she already looks better. She is tired and a little sore.’
Laura’s journal entry…
“Very tired and achy. I wasn’t feeling good last night and needed to go home. Ran a fever all night. Called the doctor and then fell asleep on the couch. Julie, from Dr. M.’s office, called to check on me. She was able to get me in to see Dr. M. Had a chest x-ray before seeing them. Had a low-grade temp of 99. I told them what was going on and how I was feeling. The x-ray showed that I had fluid on my right lung. They want to drain it. So now, we are waiting to see if they can do it. They drew blood and I am resting in a chair with heat. I feel horrible. Just want to feel better. They are able to drain the lung today. Todd, who assisted with the lung biopsy, helped with this as well. They numb my back, just like they numb you for a cavity. Then they drain it. My right lung was full. 800cc came off, almost a pint. (I think it was more than that, Laura.) It was gross. I was coughing a lot. I can breathe much better. Felt a little better when leaving the hospital. Long day. Left here at 10 and home at 5. I was informed that this is a symptom that I will need to be looking out for. I cried and cried. Amanda as well. It is so weird. I had no idea how you are supposed to feel. I guess I know now. Chemo should help this. Well, that is what they are saying. Just sucks.”
‘Hey Laura, did they drain your lung from your front or your back?’
“From my back.”
‘I just watched a video. Also, read some symptoms. Dry cough, pain, heaviness, can’t lie flat, shortness of breath. It said it won’t show on x-ray if under 300ml.’
“So those are the symptoms that I need to look for.”
‘Yeah, I guess so. It also said chemo should help. I watched one video about a young guy. They told him… You should feel much better. He had a lot more fluid than you did. Can you tell anything yet?’
“My breathing is better.”
‘Get some rest. Tomorrow is your appointment. You are going to get all the answers to your questions. Ask about anything and everything so you know. Hope you start to feel better. Text if you need to. We will be praying for you. Goodnight.’
Wednesday, February 24th, 2016…
“Today I met with Dr. S. at KU. Today, David, Amanda, Rachel, and Brenda all went with me. Not feeling well today. Threw up this morning from coughing. Was feeling so cold. Had a fever of 101. Heart rate, 132. Just want to lie down and sleep. Don’t remember much from this appointment. What I do remember is I am eligible for one clinical trial. There are 3 available spots opening on Monday. Need to sign the paperwork. They want blood work, a flu test and to give me fluids. They want me to rest and to get to feeling better. No spot on my liver. That is GOOD NEWS. No new findings, with the exception on possibly one under my scar line. So that is good news. Now, just to get started. Lab person had never done a flu test so Amanda did it. Signed my papers and then went to the Lakewood office for my fluids. Another long day. Home by 5. Feeling like crap. Can’t wait to feel better.”
According to Amanda’s text to the group…
“The scans were good. No spot on her liver. Only on the lung/chest wall. It has only grown a little.”
Here was the next day’s text…
“Hey Debbie, I am feeling better today. Still coughing, but better. I have showered. Lol. Had a piece of toast.”
This energetic text was followed by a smiley face and an emoji that surprised me… A glass of wine.
‘Are you drinking??’
“No. Lol. It’s 9 in the morning. I’m feeling better. Fever is down. Well, it’s at 99. Threw up twice. But hey, I am doing better. Rachel and I worked on wedding stuff last night and today I might clean the bathroom.”
‘You must be feeling better if you’re back to cleaning the bathroom. Ha!’
Laura took a few days off from work to recoup. Her fever was up and down just as she said. She was still coughing, but feeling much better. Even her journal entries have all ended with something good…
“Brenda came by with her grandkids and played for a while. Then my mom came over to fix me some soup. Rachel and I worked on wedding stuff. Had a good evening spending time with her. Cleaned out my purse and paid a few bills. Played with the kids and had lunch.”
In every one of these journal entries, she included the words… Been resting. Feeling better.
There’s a different tone in her voice and a different tone in her words. More entries…
“Went to Michaels with the girls to look at flowers for the wedding. Found some. Going to try to see how we do putting them together. Then we went to get our nails done. We are looking good, the 3 of us. Then back to Amanda’s house to see the kids and play for a few minutes before heading home. Austin is in town. It is good to see him. Haven’t really got to see him much. Feeling tired and still coughing. But doing good.”