Chapter 31
Sunday, January 24th, 2016 journal entry…
“Happy 3rd Birthday, Caleb. Today we are going to eat with Mickey Mouse. Caleb liked the characters at a distance. He didn’t want to shake hands or give hugs to any of them or get his picture taken. It was cute. He did give Goofy a high-five. We got a few pictures. Went to Disney and had a good time. Caleb loved the parades. We saw three. I think. Rode a few rides and walked around. The weather was nice when the sun was out. A little chilly in the evening. Stayed for the last parade. Held Caleb during the electric parade and then we headed home. The condo is very nice and big. The kids were asleep as soon as we left the parking lot. They had such a good day. Tomorrow we are going to the beach. Good day at Disney. Feeling very blessed.”
“Going to the beach. (Palm tree emoji).”
‘Yay! Send us a picture. Do you have your… ‘Take me to the Beach’ shirt on?’
“Ok, I will, and yes, I do.”
‘Are you having fun?’
“Yes.”
A little before noon, Amanda sent the girls at work a handful of pictures. The kids on the beach, a picture of sea gulls, and two of Laura. In one of the pictures she has a mean look on her face. We all laughed and wondered what on earth was going on. Why does she look so pissed? In the other picture she is standing in front of the ocean with her arms out to the side. She is doing what we call… The famous pumpkin patch pose. If you don’t know what that pose is, then let me explain…
It all started few years back on one of our pre-k field trips. Every fall we plan a trip with the children and their parents to go to the pumpkin patch. We tour the farm, see the animals, then ride the wagon out to the field to pick a small pie-sized pumpkin. On this trip, we must have been placed on a wagon with a… Let’s just say, not a seasoned employee. Our tractor driver loaded our class up and dropped us off in the wrong field. Sure, the field had tons of pumpkins. They just weren’t the small ones included in our field trip price. This field was full of large pumpkins that the general public had the option to purchase. It didn’t take us long to realize something was wrong. Laura gathers the children by the road and sends me out to search for the smaller pumpkins. Maybe, we just weren’t looking far enough out. Before I knew it, I was out a half a football field away. (I guess I should say… Half a pumpkin patch.) Laura yells out… “Do you see any?” I answer back and tell her no. She can’t hear me, so she asks again… “Do you see any? How about over there?” I yell back… ‘I have looked everywhere. I don’t see any of the smaller size.’ With the wind blowing it was hard to hear each other. So I held my arms out wide and shook my head no. What I did find on my walk back, was a small child around 6 or 7 years old. Where did he come from?? I’m the only one in the field. He points to a small group of people from the patch down the road. Are you kidding me? Nobody knew he ran off. After I returned him, I met up with Laura and our class standing by the road. I’m hot. I’m sweating. I’ve tripped a million times on pumpkin vines. Laura stands there laughing. After we talk for a few minutes about the lost child, she holds out her phone to show me the picture she took of me standing in the field.
“What exactly are you doing here?” Referring to me holding my arms out. I quickly threw out…
‘I was doing the pumpkin patch pose. What do you THINK I was doing? I was trying to tell you there aren’t any pumpkins! ANYWHERE!!’
We both busted out laughing. I have a tendency to make something fun out of anything. I also have a tendency to be sarcastic. Ever since then, it has become a joke of ours. It has also become a tradition.
And if you think Ms. Laura is all sweet and innocent… Let me tell you another pumpkin patch story. Let me tell you about the time she wanted me to go to prison.
The childcare pays for the children to go to the pumpkin patch and the parents pay an additional five dollars to go along. This covers our bus ride and our group pricing to the pumpkin patch. With this discounted admission price, each child, parent, and teacher can take home a small pie-sized pumpkin. Now you understand why we were looking for the smaller size.
Laura and I teach two pre-k classes, so that means two trips to the pumpkin patch. One on Wednesday, the other on Thursday. That also means Laura and I end up with two pumpkins each. Well… You would think two pumpkins would be enough. NO! Laura wanted one for Caleb, one for Elizabeth and one for herself.
“Hey, pick me out a good pumpkin.”
‘The one you have looks nice.’
“I know. Pick me out another one. I want you to carry it. I need one for myself.” (Insert Laura’s signature laugh.)
‘NO! I’m not stealing you a pumpkin!! If you want to go to jail for stealing, go right ahead!’
“I’m not stealing. That’s why I want you to take it.” (Another giggle.)
‘Are you shitting me?? Steal your own damn pumpkin.’
“Fine. I won’t take one.”
‘Here you big baby… Take my stupid pumpkin. I already have one from yesterday.’
See what I mean? There you have it… Ms. Laura was an instigator. A pusher. A pumpkin want-to-be thief. Not so innocent. Now was she? HA!
Now back to my story…
Every year after that, when we went on our field trip, we had to do the pumpkin patch pose. In most of our pictures, we were holding our arms out to the side with a pumpkin in each hand. I think that had a reference to do with the story I just told you. Actually… It was because I was always holding someone else’s pumpkin… Laura’s. The legal one.
I remember the year after Laura’s mastectomy. I handed her the pumpkins and told her to do the pose. She said…
“What if I can’t hold my arms out that far?”
I laughed and said… ‘Well if you hold them there, it’s going to look like you have pumpkins as boobs.’ I bet you can hear that giggle right now. Because that is exactly what she did.
The pumpkin patch pose… It’s a thing now. Arms straight out to the side taking it all in. It represents love, laughter, memories, and a good time. It represents… Look at me. Here I am.
The girls and I laughed at the picture of Laura on the beach. Remember the one I told you about with the mean look on her face? We sent a text back asking… ‘Why the mean look? I thought you were supposed to be having fun.’ Amanda replied…
“A bird just stole her pizza.”
Monday, January 25th, 2016…
“Today is beach day. Slept in a little and then we were off to the beach. We went to Clearwater Beach. Not a bad drive. It was about 2 hours from Orlando. We stopped and picked up pizza for lunch to eat on the beach. The beach was pretty empty. Only a few people. We found a good spot to put our towels out to make a blanket. We were sitting eating our pizza when we noticed these white birds had circled our blanket. They were calling the other birds off in a distance. It was so weird. Then a bird came down an took our pizza out of our hands. Which made all the birds fly by us. It was a little scary. Caleb was cute saying, get away birds. He was throwing sand at them. He had a blast on the beach. He loved the water. He was getting his feet wet, running, and laughing. So cute. Elizabeth liked the sand too. She was crawling on the beach and trying to eat the sand. She had a good time. I tried to give her a snack and those birds came back and circled our blanket again. I didn’t even have it out of the backpack when a bird took a little cookie out of my hand. It was so crazy. Amanda, Elizabeth, and I took a walk on the pier. A girl came out of the store with an ice cream cone. Those silly birds came and took it from her. It wasn’t just one bird. It was several of them.”
Tuesday evening, I get a text…
“I’m not feeling well today. I think I cracked a rib. I was holding Caleb at the light parade at Disney. Maybe I overdid it. I am not feeling well but I am having a good time.”
‘Well I don’t think you cracked a rib just by holding Caleb. Did you fall? You probably used muscles that have been affected by your surgery. Muscles that haven’t been stretched or used. Did you go out today?’
“A little. I feel like crap. It feels the same as before when I fell down Amanda’s steps.”
Laura slipped awhile back and fell down a few steps at Amanda’s house. I don’t remember exactly when, but I know it was quite a while ago.
‘Maybe you reinjured it. Hope it feels better tomorrow.’
“Me too.”
‘Go buy an ACE bandage and wrap yourself tight. That should help. Do you have any pain medicine?’
“Ok. Maybe tomorrow. It sucks. Yes, on the pain meds.”
Tuesday, January 26th, 2016…
“Today was a beautiful day. It was sunny and warm. Last night I wasn’t feeling well. My ribs were hurting. Like I cracked one. I could hardly bend over. Moving a little slow today. Not feeling too well. I hurt. Maybe I did crack a rib. I don’t know. Caleb and I took a nap. We slept for like 2 hours. It was a relaxing day. It was good just to hang out for a little bit at home. Elizabeth is not feeling the best. I hope she is okay. She loves to play. Just not sleeping well. Amanda is so tired. I can tell she is worn out. Didn’t help her much today. I felt bad.”
Wednesday, January 27th, 2016…
“Today we went to Downtown Disney to shop. It was a good day. Caleb had fun as well as Elizabeth. Poor Elizabeth is not feeling too well. Hopefully she will be ok for our plane ride home tomorrow. Had dinner and then back home to pack. Early day tomorrow. Kids got a bath and I had some snuggle time with Caleb. He is my buddy. This week has been good. I am so thankful that I was able to go with them. Kept my mind busy and just being with them has helped make this week a good one.”
Thursday, January 28th, 2016…
“Time to come home. Flight home was good. The kids slept and the ride was good. Got home and Amanda was able to take Elizabeth to the doctor. Double ear infection and bronchitis. Poor little girl. She will feel better in a few days. I feel bad that she was sick while we were gone. Got some rest and did some laundry when I got home. Tomorrow is my appointment. Am I ready to hear what they will say? I don’t know. I just wish the outcome would be different.”
“We are home now. How has your week been?”
‘My week has been fine. A big snowstorm is coming next week. It could bring 6-12 inches. How was your trip?’
“It was good. The kids did well for their age.”
‘Did you have fun?’
“Yes, I had fun. Maybe do it again in a few years when the kids are older.”
‘Glad you had fun.’ So, you stayed in a condo? I thought you were staying at a hotel.’
“No, a three-bedroom condo. It was almost as big as my house. I will be at work later in the morning, after my appointment. I am tired. Need some sleep.”
‘All is good. Why don’t you stay home tomorrow and rest?’
“I have Upward tomorrow night. I will come in the afternoon.’
‘So, I had a weird conversation today with Clint and Chase. I purchased a couple of new books. Clint was reading about one of them. He looks at me and says… “Why don’t you do that? You could write a motivational book. You could do it.” I told him, that’s crazy you said that. Last night I was listening to one of my teaching/inspirational tapes. The guy talked about how everyone has a gift. God gives each person a talent. A gift that you must use. While I was listening to him talk, the thought came to my mind… I should write a book. I told Clint… I don’t even know why I stopped by the bookstore. I wasn’t even looking for any new books. Then last night, I heard this message. I should write a book. Where did that come from? I told him… I could write about Laura’s journey. He said… “Yes, you should! People would read it.” I told him how you have purchased several books about people and their cancer journeys. Sooo… If you ever want to put it all out there… I will write your story.’
“Yes, that is so cool. You could write it. It would be awesome. You know, you do have a gift.”
Boy, who would have ever thought that this would really come true? I had more than one thought to write this book. I heard it from Laura. I heard it from my family. And I heard it from God.
‘What time is your appointment?’
“It’s at 8:30.”
‘Keep your head up and walk into that doctor’s office the strong person you are.’
“Thank you. I will.”
The next text I received was at 12:43 P.M. I was still at work getting things ready for the following week.
“Can you come upstairs?”
‘Ok.’
I will let her journal tell you what the Doctor said…
Friday, January 29th, 2016…
“Today is the day. Met with Dr. M. My patient advocate was there as well. Dr. M. explained my biopsy results. David, Amanda, and Rachel are here with me. Dr. M. explained that the breast cancer had spread outside the breast. It is metastatic breast cancer. There is no cure. Dr. M. recommended for me to get a second opinion from KU Cancer Center. They would be contacting them for me and getting my appointment set up. Everyone was in shock. The girls are crying. I am just trying to hold it together. There is no surgery. No radiation. Chemo is now my friend. And if I am able, I can get into a clinical trial at KU. This sucks, big time. I am comforting the girls and telling them I am going to be fine. Am I? I want it to. I am a fighter. I know what’s going on. I just want to live. I want to be here for them. They need me. I am their best friend. I don’t want to leave them yet. I have a lot to do. It was hard news to hear. Telling my sisters and mom was even harder. No words can explain how they are feeling or how anyone is feeling right now.”
Even in the office, when she was telling us girls, Laura remained strong. She kept telling us, she was going to be alright. It’s just another one of those bumps in the road.
4:39 P.M.
‘Are you doing okay?’
“Yes.”
‘So, he is going to give you Taxol?’
“Yes.”
‘From what I read… When you get Taxol every week compared to every three weeks, it is much better treatment and outcome. Plus… Getting it weekly over every 2 or 3 weeks, women had less side effects.’
“That sounds good.”
~Taxol (Chemical name… Paclitaxel).
Paclitaxel is used to treat various types of cancer. It is a cancer chemotherapy drug that works by slowing or stopping cancer cell growth.~ Web MD.
~Taxol. How it works: Taxanes interfere with the ability of cancer cells to divide. In Laura’s case… It is used to treat advanced-stage breast cancer after it stops responding to standard chemotherapy regimens that include an anthracycline. ~ Breastcancer.org
‘Here’s a question for the Doc. If your counts are too low and can’t take it every week, then what happens? Although, reading about it, weekly doses aren’t as strong. And why don’t you get a second or third opinion at one of the big specialized cancer centers you talked about?’
“I will write it down and ask. The other cancer center I would go to, is the one in Dallas. Not the ones advertised on TV.”
‘Are you still at work?’
“Yes. Upward basketball.”
9:36 P.M.
“So, you know… This sucks.”
‘Yeah, I know.’
“You know, this can’t be fixed. I’m going to keep living my life to the fullest. No regrets. Living each day like I should. For God.”
‘Sorry if you feel like I lied to you. I truly believed everything was going to be alright. I told Clint… I feel like I let you down. I really thought we had this cancer thing beat.’
“You did not let me down. Please don’t beat yourself up. You did everything you were to do. Believe and trust that everything was going to be ok. It’s alright. This is life. Now moving on. We will get thru this. Your work is not done. Nor is mine. I need you. Don’t give up on me.”
‘I guess this is just who I am. Yeah, I’m going to keep telling you to Believe. I’ll keep telling you… You’re going to be alright. Still going to be positive and still going to push you. I believe in a big God. And… If I am the only one who believes this way… Well maybe God is saying… All I need is just one person to Believe.’
“You got it. Keep pushing me. Lol. Keep believing. We will get thru this. Just be there for my girls. They will need you.”
‘I’m not giving up. I just want you to understand. I’m here for the girls to talk to.’
“I understand. Thank you so much for everything. I’m picking up what you are putting down.”
‘Ha! Look who is making who… Laugh!’
“Good. Laughing is good for you. Did I tell you when my appt. is?”
‘Okay, this is weird. How did the roles get reversed? Listen to you. And no… Your appt. for KU??’
“Lol. Got you! Yes. It is Feb. 10th at 10:45. Her name is Dr. S. She specializes in triple negative breast cancer. They have already sent over my paperwork.”
‘You got in, quick.’
“Yes, I did. I had help. Do you want your book back?”
‘You ought to just rip all those pages out that didn’t turn out to be true. It’s just a bunch of shit.’
“Nope. Moving forward. Everything stays in the book.”
Now I was the one who didn’t feel like talking. So, I changed the subject and started talking about something else. It’s a hard one to swallow when you feel like you let someone down.
11:06 P.M. Laura ended this conversation…
“Thanks for talking. All is good.”
It was the weekend and I went on with my own business. Laura kept herself busy with Upward basketball. If she wants to talk, she knows where to find me.
9:10 P. M.
“I brought our February book home. What are we doing for a project next week?”
‘Well, we are going to have the kids cut out a heart and then put their names on it. I found a couple of worksheets to do and I got the little mouse project ready. I don’t have anything for Friday yet. That’s when you texted me to come upstairs.’
“Ok. Sounds good. Thank you.”
‘So, I heard you were the referee today at basketball. Stacey sent me a picture.’
“Yeah, it was fun. I feel like people are being protective of me. Some people are already treating me differently. I want things to be as normal as possible. I think I’m going to have a talk with everyone at work. When I’m at work, I feel normal. I don’t think about cancer. I work and keep busy. Work is a place where I can go to and just be me. Do you understand? I don’t think about cancer. You leave me at home, and I will go crazy. I am not dead yet!”
‘Yeah, I know what you mean. Some people just don’t know what to say or how to act.’
“I hope life can be as normal as possible. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But now and until the time comes, I want things to be normal. You know, I’m kind of hating that word right now. Lol.”
‘Is it bad that I am laughing at your… “I’m not dead yet” comment? Who knows, maybe some people wish you were. Haha.’
“I am laughing so hard. Thanks for making me smile. I can’t believe Stacey took my picture. Lol.”
‘You mean you are actually… L. O. L ing???’
“Yes, I am.”
‘Don’t let things get to you. People just don’t know how to respond.’
“Still laughing.”
‘Hahaha. We are going to keep having fun. We have to. Goodnight.’
“Goodnight. Simba and I are cuddling.”
Sunday, January 31st, 2016…
“Went to Sunday school today. I gave them an update on my health. It was hard to tell them. They are such a caring group of people. It was hard seeing the people at church and them coming up to me to give me hugs. It helped so much. They are very special people in my life. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Talked with Lynn today. It was good to talk with her. She is retiring from the church. She will be missed. Had a good afternoon with my mom. Went for breakfast at IHop and then to Dollar Tree and Sams. It was good just spending time with her. Feeling very blessed today. Things are going to be alright. I believe in God and He has this. All we have to do is trust in Him and I do.”
My Sunday morning text…
‘Being a person who is a deep thinker, makes a person think deep all the time. I am taking my shower this morning, and of course I am in deep thought. There are so many things I don’t understand. I’m always seeking more. I get quiet and listen for God to speak. I try to listen for His direction. Heck, I even have a book from years and years ago called… ‘How to Hear from God. Learn to Know His Voice and Make Right Decisions.’ In the past, that has been proven to be true. One of the things I am struggling with and what I was thinking about in the shower is… How do I know? How do I know what is true and how do I know what to believe? How do I know that feeling that is different from all the others? The voice that I am supposed to hear. When I thought… Well you know. You know me well enough by now. I really believed what I was feeling was what God wanted me to hear. What He wanted me to tell you. I honestly thought you were going to be okay. Right now, I feel like I let my friend down. I know someday it will all make sense. I will look back and go… Oh, I see it now. It’s plain and clear. That’s usually how it happens. We all just need to have patience and trust. Anyway, I was thinking about all this in the shower. I turned the water off and go to reach for my towel. On my stomach was a small white feather. In the shower! How does that happen? Seriously, how does that happen? If it was on my towel, fine. It was a fresh clean towel. But where did it come from? A white one at that.’
“God works in mysterious ways. I love all your stories.”
‘Do I really tell a lot of stories? Oh boy!’
“A few. But I enjoy them.”
Laura has been different these last few days. She hasn’t gone into any deep conversations. She hasn’t talked about what the doctor said. Her texts are about some new shoes she bought, and television shows she is watching on TV. I know she has been pouring herself into work and Upward basketball. I know she is keeping as busy as she could possibly be. I finally had to ask her…
‘Okay, question… How long am I supposed to wait to ask you if you are okay? I don’t know if you are sad if you’re mad or what.’
“Why should I be sad? I’m not mad either.”
‘I just want to know how long I am supposed to let you have your moment? Let me put it this way… How long am I supposed to let you… Let life suck?’ “I don’t know. I am ok. It sucks. Maybe I am in denial.”