Chapter 30
January 8, 2016…
“Got a phone call about the PET scan. They can do my test earlier in the day. They had 2 cancellations, so I am going in at 12 to have it done. Amanda and Becky are going to be there with me.”
Laura had her test much earlier than expected. I’m glad she doesn’t have to wait all day. I know how eager and nervous she was. She can get this over with and have all her answers.
‘Everything go okay?’
“The test went well. I don’t have the results yet. It took about 2 hours.”
‘Good.’
“Everything is good. Thank you. Been busy since I got back. Everything is going to be alright.”
‘I will have to tell you about my morning. I’ll tell you later tonight. Another one of my stories.’
“Ok. I can’t wait.”
Later that evening before bed, Laura sent me a text telling me she was home. She kept herself busy all day, by returning to work and then Upward basketball. She asked me about my story, and I told her I would send it. All I told her earlier, was that God sure is listening.
I’m going to condense the actual story and share with you the important parts.
My 10:10 P.M. text…
‘I woke up real early this morning. I couldn’t make myself fall back to sleep. While lying there, I had a talk with my mom. I said to her… I don’t ask you for much. Can you just give me a sign, so I know you and God are listening? I fell back asleep and woke up a few hours later. I wasn’t thinking too much about my earlier conversation. I took my shower and proceeded to get ready for work. I almost always have what clothes I want to wear in my closet, but this morning my shirt was still in the dryer. I reached into my closet and pulled out a button-down shirt. I wanted something easy to wear while I dried my hair. The shirt I had on belong to my mom. It’s the only one in my closet that I have. At this point, I didn’t think about what shirt I was wearing or the conversation I had earlier. It wasn’t until I went to make my bed, that the conversation came to my mind. I reached over and turned on the radio. I did it on purpose. I was looking for my sign. After a couple of minutes, I stopped myself and said… Look at you. What are you doing? Yeah… I will admit it, I was hoping ‘my song’ would play on the radio. I was hoping to hear it just like I have before. I shook my head and finished making my bed. When I was done, something told me to read my daily devotional. I NEVER read it in the mornings, and if I do remember to read it, it is always before bed. Do you remember the story about the billboard that said Walk on Water? Back when my mom had her heart surgery. Remember?? I prayed on that sign every time I saw it. Ever since then, seeing something that says Walk on Water, well… It’s the biggest message I could ever receive. Bigger than hearing that song I wanted to play on the radio. This morning, I read… Have Faith as if you were called to Walk on the Water. I guess my mom heard me. She knew I would believe this one, because to me, this sign is big.
I get in the Jeep to leave for work. I reach over and pull the clasp to the top on that necklace that says… Believe. I smiled and said my prayer like I would normally do. So lately, I have been tired of listening to the radio. I’ve been listening to my CD’s instead. Yesterday, I switched out to a different CD. My CD’s aren’t labeled with names, they are labeled… 1, 2, 3, 4 and so on. I just opened my console and grabbed one. When I left for work this morning, the song that started playing from the start, was that song I sent to you. Martina McBride’s song about breast cancer. Followed by the song you like so much. The one you heard on your way to your first sonogram. ‘Jesus Take the Wheel’. You told me how that song gave you strength. When that song finished, ‘my song’ came on. Here we go again… All so perfectly timed. I had forgotten about this CD. I hadn’t played it in a long time. Why it was this one?? I don’t know. What I do know is… God is listening. Our Angels are listening. They are right here with us, telling us to have the big kind of faith. The Walking on Water kind of Faith.’
It still amazes me how this kind of stuff happens in my life. I gave up the idea of searching for a sign. And when I was no longer expecting it, one just instantly appears. More than one in my book.
“Wow. That is good. You know, I am doing ok. It’s going to be ok. Waiting sucks. But whatever it is, I am ok. God has this. He knows. I am giving it to him. I am ok.”
‘Glad you are doing okay, Laura. I know it was a rough day.’
“I got a message about my sister. All is good. She gets to go home in a couple of days. I am very happy with that news.”
I didn’t talk with Laura much that weekend. When we did talk, it was all idle chit-chat. Saturday evening, my phone goes off. This time, it was a text from Amanda…
“Hey Debbie, my mom is really withdrawn. I saw her today. She didn’t hardly talk. I asked about her test results and she said Monday. I am worried she knows something and isn’t telling me. She even mentioned she didn’t know about Florida. My stomach is in knots. I didn’t know if she told you something. Sorry Debbie, I don’t mean to put you in the middle.”
‘No, I haven’t heard from her. The last time I talked with her was around 10:30 last night. She seemed upbeat. She told me about her sister. She was happy about that. She kept telling me she is ok and will be ok. She also said, the waiting part sucks. Let me check in with her.’
“It is ok. She must have read my mind. She just texted me and said everything was ok and she was sorry for being that way. Lol.”
‘She is probably just thinking about it. She told me she has given it to God and trusts Him. She said, no matter what, she is going to be ok. I will wait a little while, since you just heard from her, and send her a text to check in. It won’t be unusual for me to do that.’
“Ok thanks. Yes, waiting sucks. Ready for some peace of mind.”
‘Well, never mind. I didn’t have to text her, she texted me. Said today went good. Got home not that long ago and she is tired. I asked other than being tired, are you doing ok? She said, yes. Just tired.’
“Ok, good. Thanks.”
Laura wanted to visit for a while. We talked for almost an hour. She told me, her and David went to the funeral. It was a nice service, and as she put it… It represented Aunt Pam very well. She talked about how sad she was and how sorry she was for the family. When they left there, they went for dinner.
‘What did you get to eat?’
“David and I got Mexican.”
‘Did you get a margarita?’
“LOL. Nope.”
‘Well did you remember to buy a Powerball? It’s at $900 million!’
“Shoot. No. I forgot.”
‘So, what would you do if you won? What would you buy?’
“I would pay off my car and wedding expenses. Give some money to my family. Buy a house somewhere warm, like Florida. And live my life to the fullest.”
Before I could respond, another quick text came thru…
“Maybe travel. Just live life.”
I never pictured Laura to be one who would travel. The only place she ever talks about is the beach. If she has a house there, I wonder where she would go…
Monday, January 11th, 2016. Journal entry…
“Today I got my results back on my PET scan. Well, not good. I lit up. I have some nodules in my right lung that lit up. There was also one in my liver, and under my right arm pit. Dr. M. wants to do a lung biopsy. They will be calling me to set this up. I called and talked to my navigator friend about the results. She said that the cancer has gone outside the region where it was in the breast. She said it would be called, metastatic cancer. This doesn’t go away. Chemo is what I would have to do. I feel helpless and sad and why. I don’t want this or to go thru this again. We will just have to wait and see. Some of my suv numbers were high. I don’t know what they mean. I will be looking for my report from patient portal. Had to talk to the girls over the phone and David. They are scared and worried. I know they don’t want to go thru this again. I don’t either. I will fight this. I will be here for everyone. My life is not over. Right now, it just sucks. I will hold my head up high and fight. I have a lot to live for. This is just a bump in the road. I can do this.”
‘You okay?’
“Yes, I am ok.”
‘Are you going to stop enjoying your life? Yes or no?’
“I am enjoying my life. On the left side. Ha.”
‘Good. You made me laugh.’
“Lol.”
‘Well then… We will just keep doing what we have to do. Won’t we?’
“Yes, we will. We are in this together.”
My phone goes off. It’s a text from Amanda…
“Debbie, I just have to vent. Cancer sucks. The whole thing sucks.”
‘Yeah… Been thinking the same thing. Your mom is staying positive. She is a strong woman. We did have a funny moment… She wanted to call the insurance company and tell them off. I told her we could make a prank call. We could call from a payphone. She laughed and said, there aren’t any more pay phones around. I said, yes there is. I will find one and take your picture.’
“Thank you for bringing humor to my life.”
‘I told her, my sister-in-law’s mother has cancer, and always will. It comes back in her soft tissue. She has chemo, and then goes on with life. She has had it reoccur 3 or 4 times. She knows it will always be this way. But… She is happy and enjoying her life. Your mom will too. We are gonna hope for good news though. Aren’t we?’
“Yes, we are. (Smiley face) I just love her so much.”
I feel sorry for these girls. They thought they had their momma back. They are so young. They shouldn’t be going through any of this. This is supposed to be the best time of their lives. Instead, they are dealing with cancer. Not once. Not twice. But for the rest of their lives. My heart breaks for David and the girls.
As for the rest of us… We honestly can’t believe any of this is happening. It’s one of those things that’s hard to wrap your mind around. Life can change in an instant. And we thought this last change was now for the good. We didn’t even get a chance to enjoy the new normal. By the time Laura accepted that she was going to be alright… Life came in and swept her off her feet. I don’t think there was a single one of us, that ever thought this would happen again. I know I didn’t. I can only imagine how Laura must feel. She finally allowed herself to move on with her life. She had the courage to let go of cancer and put it behind her. She had a few weeks. No, it was more like a few days. She had a small moment in time to not worry about that word. I know she doesn’t want to go through this again. I don’t either. When she told me… “We are in this together.” I answered her with… ‘I can’t do it alone. I need your help.’ Only Laura would know what the means. That means she has to fight like hell.
5:29 P.M. I sent my first message…
‘Alright, I am ready to start. For a solid year all I have heard you say over and over and over is… This sucks, I want to feel normal. The other day you finally said it… “I feel normal.” So now you must speak it over your life. I read an article about Joel Osteen’s mother and her cancer. It talked about how she spoke healing and health over hers. She had metastatic cancer over 35 years ago. And now, she is cancer free. She talked about how positive words were all she spoke. Tonight, my necklace fell out of my pocket. I picked it up and looked at it. Faith, Hope & Love. Words are powerful. Start speaking that way. From now on when I ask you how you are doing… First thing that should come out of your mouth (well, you can pick your own words) should be I am healthy, I am healed, I am cancer free. Say these things while driving in your car, looking in the mirror and in the pep talks you give yourself. I used to always say… Good is coming. I spoke healing over my mom when she had her heart problems. Declare it and let it come out of your mouth. God is listening. So claim it.’
“Thanks for the talk again. That is good. You cannot erase any. Ok. Lol. Everything is going to be alright.’
‘Erase any what? Texts??’
“Yep.”
The next couple of days were busy. We didn’t talk about cancer or test results. I let it be Laura’s call, if she wanted to talk. She sent me another one of her quotes. Another pin that I cannot read. (If you have access to her Pinterest, you ought to look it up and see what they say. It might be interesting to see how she felt.)
I sent her one that I came across. This one, I thought was perfect. The beach in the background. A large white feather held up blocking the sun. A sunrise or a sunset. With the words that said it all…
~Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is darkness.~ Barbara Johnson.
4:59 P.M. text…
“Ok, I will be ok. Just printed off my report findings. Not good. But I am going to be ok.”
‘What did it say.’
“My max suv on a few are 14.4 and 10.4 and 13.6 that is on my lung.”
‘Aren’t there other factors to take in? Things like, previous surgeries, inflammation, not fasting enough or not resting well before the scan. Worry when you hear something directly from your doctor.’
I searched the internet and looked this one up too.
SUV stands for Standardized Uptake Values. According to Google…
~It has a specific role in assessing patient response to cancer therapy. It is a simple way of determining activity in PET imaging.~
Well… That didn’t explain much. I guess I don’t understand exactly what it means. Everything else I read made absolutely no sense. I gave up and decided I needed a medical degree. One thing I did come across and somewhat understood was…
If the SUV numbers are over 2.0 it is probably cancer. The higher the number, the more aggressive or rapid growing the cancer may be.
I read on… Well, I tried to. The rest of the information was like all the others I read. Full of highly intelligent medical words. I skimmed on past that part and stopped at a chart that said… Survival rate. SUV score greater than 3.6 survival rate for 5 years– 38%. Laura’s numbers were a whole lot higher than that. I closed the internet page. I didn’t want to read anymore.
Wednesday, January 13th, 2016. Journal entry…
“I did sleep in. Got up and did a little cleaning. Got ready and went to visit with my navigator friend at the hospital. We looked over my report and she tried her best to explain it to me. The nodules were not there in November. She said with the type of cancer that I have, the triple negative, it can grow fast. It has been 3 months since my last chemo. My last CT scan was in November. So thankful that Dr. M. ran my tumor markers. This sucks. But I am holding it together. Not eating much. Don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like I am worrying. I just want to know and to be over it. Went shopping today. I know I shouldn’t have but we got a few things for the kids for next fall. Went by the Hallmark store, needed cards for birthdays. The ornaments were 75% off so picked up a few. Came home to rest. Still feeling a little tired. I am doing ok. God has got this. It is in His hands. I trust Him. God is good.”
Laura kept herself busy getting ready for Caleb and Jared’s birthday parties. She also started getting things gathered for her trip. Jared has a trip scheduled for work in Florida, so Amanda thought it would be fun if Laura went with her and the kids. They could spend time at Disney and the beach while Jared was busy with work. I’m glad Laura decided to go. It will be good to get her mind on something else. Meanwhile, I checked in with Amanda, to see how she was.
‘Checking in to see how you are doing. Your mom is doing ok. We had her laughing today.’
“That is good. I am doing ok. I am trying to process this and figure out that I am going to be ok, even though I don’t like the answer that it is. I am not going to lie, I have cried a lot the last few days, even at work. It is a sickening feeling.”
‘Crying is cuz you love her. And loving is never wrong. Keep your head up. Your mom is a strong woman. I won’t let her get down.’
“I know. Yes, I love her. She is strong. I know you won’t.”
Sunday, January 17th, 2016…
“It snowed and is very cold outside. Slept pretty good last night. Got up and got things ready for Caleb’s birthday party. Wrapped Caleb and Jared’s presents. I had so much fun playing with the kids last night. Love them so much. We will have so much fun in Florida next week. I can’t wait. The party was good. Caleb was excited for his presents. He really liked his cash register that Aunt Rachel got him. He didn’t want to finish opening his other presents. He got a lot of nice things. He is well loved. Had Christmas with Mom and Dad Stagg. It was a good day. Had lunch with David, Rachel, Austin, and Mom. We ate at 54th Street before going to the party. Feeling good. Good day. Came home to do laundry and rest a little.”
Laura was scheduled for her biopsy early Monday morning. Before bed, she sent me a text…
“Just want you to know I found 2 white feathers yesterday at church. Luisa found one in the daycare hallway. I found one in the hallway upstairs by the elevator. So, I know there is a lot of angels looking after me.”
‘We went to the RV show at Bartle yesterday and I saw 3. All of them white and spaced several feet apart. After the show, we went to eat at this Mexican restaurant. We were standing on the corner waiting for the light at the crosswalk. I looked down and there was one at my feet.’
“Wow. Amazing.”
‘You doing okay?’
“Yes.”
Monday morning, Laura and Amanda had to be at the hospital early. The biopsy would take place a little after nine. Here’s her text…
“I am doing good. It was a needle biopsy. It was ok. Took like 10 min. It was on my right side at the top. Like in the middle of my breast if I had one. Lol. On the sonogram, it was the size of a quarter.”
‘Well that has to be better than an incision. Did you sleep last night?’
“Yes, and yes. I am doing good. What are you doing?”
‘Just got done eating lunch. Are you sore?’
“A little. The cat has been laying on me. Funny cat. He knows when something is not right with you.”
‘Well I’ve been cutting a frozen poop turd out of Gunner’s butt hairs. It’s great! So, what do you think Gunner is trying to tell me? And just so you know… He did NOT want to cuddle. Haha.’
“That’s funny. He is telling you it is too cold to go outside and do his business. Lol.”
‘What else have you been doing?’
“Just resting. Been updating my journal.”
Monday, January 18th, 2016…
“Today, I had my biopsy. It went well. They were able to do the biopsy with a sonogram/ultrasound instead of the CT. It hurt a little. They used a needle and were able to get 3 samples. The spot was about the size of a quarter. They only did one of them. There were several. They sonogramed the spot on the liver. I saw it. I don’t remember the size. The spot they biopsied was right where my breast would be. It’s weird, like that’s where the other was. Just strange. Doing ok after it was done. A little tired. Should know by Wednesday or Thursday. My gut feeling, it’s there. But I want the other. I am staying positive. Just resting and keeping my mind busy. God has this. My trust is in Him. The girls took cookies up to the office today. I made Oreo Mickey Mouse cookies. They turned out cute.”
The rest of the evening was spent talking about The Bachelor. Which girls we liked, which ones were ‘b’s’ and which ones cracked us up. We didn’t need to talk about anything else. Laura didn’t want to, and I didn’t either. Same with work. Not a single person brought it up. Laura wanted life to remain normal. Right now, she just wanted to get thru these next few days.
Amanda was researching alternative methods in case the cancer is back. Essential oils, supplements, antioxidants, and no sugar diets. She did some extensive research and was hoping her mom would at least try a few. She said at the least, it would alleviate some of the stress that goes along with it. She also purchased her a book on natural ways of dealing with cancer. It’s based on diet, spiritual healing, stress and so on. I’m sure Laura will be willing to try it and from what it sounds like, most of it will help.
Thursday, January 21st, 2016….
“Today I heard from Dr. M. He called to tell me that the pathology report showed that the cancer had spread outside the breast and it was metastatic breast cancer. They were sending some smears off and those reports would be back next week. He told me to go on my trip and he would see me when I get back. I was ok to go. My heart sank. I felt numb but relieved to know that I knew what was going on with me. It sucks. Called David and the girls. It was hard to tell them this news. But me being me, I was strong and told them I would fight this to the end. I was going to be ok and get the treatments that I needed and be around for as long as I can. I love them so much. It kills me to see them hurt. I don’t want to leave them. I want to be there for them. They are my life. I will keep going for them. They are worth it. I want to be around for them. It’s just so hard to see the people you love, hurt. I never wanted this to happen. I just want to be normal like everyone else. Telling my sisters was not easy or my mom. Just don’t want to be a burden to anyone. Just want to be me and do for others. Telling the girls at work was hard as well. Everyone is so concerned. I appreciate everyone’s support and understanding at this time. I will be strong. No packing tonight. I will get up early and get things done.”
Laura called me and told me what the Doctor said. I listened because that’s all I could do. When she finished, we talked about her upcoming trip. I told her to put all this information aside and enjoy her trip. ‘You need this, Laura. It will be good for you. It will be good to spend some time with Amanda and the kids.’
Like I have said earlier, I don’t know much about cancer. But I do know what metastatic means. It means things can’t get any worse.
~Metastatic breast cancer- Cancer that has spread to another part of the body, most commonly the liver, brain, bones, or lungs. ~ Breastcancer.org
To the average person like you or I…
Metastatic is a fancy word for advanced cancer. In other words, it means stage IV.
‘Are you packed yet?’
“No. At Target.”
‘It’s 7 freaking 15. PACK!!!’ An hour later…
“I am home now.”
‘Well its bedtime now. You’re nuts!’
“I know. I will get busy. I have an appointment with my doctor next Friday at 8:30. They should have my results. It sucks.”
‘Yes, it sucks. When do you get back?’
“Thursday afternoon.”
Saturday, January 23rd, 2016…
“Got up early and got things packed and ready to go. Went to the bank and then to Upward. Was there until 11. Then home to finish a few things. Amanda and Jared were there, and we finished packing and headed to the airport.”
My 1:00 text…
‘Well I sure hope to hell you are finally packed! Ha! Have a fantastic time. Take lots of pictures and soak in lots of sun. Send me that beach picture. I have only heard about you wanting to go to the beach for over a year now. So that’s the picture I am waiting to see. I hope you all have a great time. Don’t forget to take it all in. And hey… Look at all these emojis I found just for you. I know how you like your emojis. (Beach umbrella, palm tree, dolphin, tropical drink, and sun). Whew… that should cover it.’
“Its all good now. We are at the airport and checked in. I thought I forgot my phone. Lol.”
‘Hey… Don’t forget to pack your phone.’
“I almost forgot it. LOL.”
‘Maybe you don’t need your phone for a week.’
“What if I need to talk to you?”
‘You won’t. Have a good trip.’