Chapter 29
Christmas break was over, and it was time to head back to school. I wasn’t ready to return just yet, I could use a couple of more weeks. The last conversation I had with Laura, was when we were talking about her upcoming trip.
‘I can’t believe you are going to Florida.’
“Yep! I am. (Followed by two emojis… A palm tree and a smiley face.)
‘That’ going to be so much fun.’
Laura was waiting to get excited for this trip. She was waiting for the Doctor’s word that she could go. It wasn’t until after he gave her the okay, that her mood finally changed. She wouldn’t allow herself to get too excited, and she wouldn’t let on how bad she wanted to go. Her fear was, that the Doctor wouldn’t let her, he would recommend she stay home. I’m so glad he gave her the all clear. Everyone who knows Laura, knows her favorite place is the beach. This will be such a nice little trip for her, to spend time with the kids. Disney, the beach, Caleb’s birthday, and the sun. A perfect ending to a long and hard journey.
But for now… It’s time to go back to school.
‘What if I am not ready to go back to work?’
“We have to start the new year off together.”
‘Well then, we will both have to wait another week. You be the one to call Kathy and tell her. Hahaha.’
“Lol. That probably won’t go over very well. What are you doing?”
‘I’m cleaning the bathroom. I’m cleaning out cabinets and drawers. Do you have the urge to come over and clean it? We all know how many times you have cleaned yours. Hahahaha!’
“Ha Ha. Funny. So, after the bathroom you are done?”
‘No! That’s why I need another week.’
“My stomach doesn’t feel good. I eat and then it feels yuck. It’s been like that for 2 days. I haven’t done anything. So weird.”
‘Sorry you don’t feel good. Is it stress? Nerves? Are you worrying?’
“No, I don’t think so. Maybe it’s just a bug.”
‘Maybe.’
“I think I’ll eat something lite, like yogurt. Maybe that will help. Right now, I’m resting with Simba. He’s lying on my lap. Lol.”
Laura sent me a picture of the cat. I told her he looks like a big ole blanket. Laura said he has been doing that a lot lately. He’s not leaving her side. Most of the time Simba likes to lay on the back of the couch. He likes to stretch out along the top. But here lately, Laura said, he’s constantly been laying in her lap.
‘You have a lap cat instead of a lap dog.’
“I know. Lol.”
‘Hey, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Some people have to go back to work, you know.’
Bright and early Monday morning, we all got up and returned to school. It’s going to be a long time before we get another break. At least Laura is back in the classroom, so that will be fun. I wasn’t 100% sure if she would be there, since she said she wasn’t feeling good. But… There she was. She said her stomach had settled, and she was feeling alright.
When she walked into our classroom, you could see the happiness on her face. She was talkative, even bubbly. She was so excited for preschool. It’s been a while since any of us have seen her this happy. As for how she physically looked… If you didn’t know any better, you would think she JUST changed her hairstyle. Short, wavy, and all black. To us, it was getting so long. She looked like every other person you would see. The post cancer look was gone.
Every morning before the kids arrive, we all meet in our room to chat. Laura dominated the conversation by telling us about her Christmas, the kids, and her upcoming trip. She laughed and talked like the old Laura used to do. Those of us that know her… Know that giggle in her laugh. Gosh, it was good to hear the giggle once again. For a moment… It felt like old times. No wait… It felt normal.
Soon the kids arrived. One by one they came into the room. When they saw Ms. Laura, they ran over and gave her a big hug. She really loves these kids and they sure love her. I guess I’m second fiddle now, Ms. Laura is back.
Laura took the lead with the kids and our classroom routine. The calendar, the pledge, the weather, and jobs. At ten o’clock we stop for what call, ‘circle time’. All the children gather together in a large room across the hall. They sing songs, learn Bible verses, do finger play and rhymes. While they are away, that allows us time to get their mid-morning snack. It also gives us a little break from our daily routine. Laura knew she had a few minutes before the kids would return, so she wanted to run to the office to make a phone call. She wanted to find out the results from her tests. This woman has been to the doctor so much, she doesn’t even wait for them to call her. She calls the lab, herself. I questioned her…
‘Can you do that?’
“Yeah, I have done it before. They are my lab results. I want to know them now. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Laura left out the door and upstairs to the office. After I got our snack ready, I went over and sat down on a bench at the far side of our room. Ms. Stacey follows the same routine as we do. So after she was ready, she came over to my room. Stace sat down closer to the door on a small chair not too far from me. We talked about our break and New Years and how I fell asleep. In the middle of our conversation, Laura returned to our room. Stacey looked over at her, and in mid-sentence got up from her chair and left. That’s when I noticed something was wrong.
Laura stepped inside our room, stopped by the counter, and stared off into space. I remember the look on her face like it was yesterday. No words came out of her mouth. Just a serious look on her face.
‘You alright? What’s going on?’
I thought maybe she encountered an upset parent or a child that was hurt. I even thought maybe… She was sick to her stomach. She stood there for a moment and didn’t say a word. She just kept staring off as if no one was there.
‘What’s going on, Laura?’
“I just got off the phone with the lab. My numbers were high.”
‘What do you mean your numbers were high?’
“The nurse said my tumor marker count was high. Like really high. I don’t understand what’s going on.”
‘Maybe it’s because you’ve been sick.’
“I don’t know.”
‘It’s probably nothing, Laura. Try not to worry. Wait for your Doctor to call. See what he says.’
Laura stood there with a blank look on her face. What color she had… Turned white and pale.
‘You were just at the Doctor’s office a week ago and everything was fine.’
I walked over closer to her. Her eyes were starting to tear.
“I’m pretty sure I know what this means. Why is this happening to me?”
‘Laura, don’t worry until you have something to worry about.’
“I need to go home. I need to call my Doctor. I need to go home now.”
‘Go. I got this. Be sure and let Kathy and Luisa know.’
She walked out the door about as slow as she walked in. She took a couple of steps, turned around and said…
“When you get home, will you look this up on your computer? See if you can find out what this means.”
‘Yeah Laura, I’ll do that. Let me know what the Doctor says. Are you okay to drive?’
“Yeah, I’m ok. Thanks.”
Laura didn’t want me to say anything. She wanted to hear from the Doctor first. I don’t know if she told anyone else, but by the look on her face, you could tell something was wrong. Hours went by before we ever heard from her.
At 2:38, I sent her this text…
‘Well I can’t find anything online that I actually understand. It’s all too confusing with all the numbers and names. I did find a blog with some lady and her numbers. She had breast cancer. Her numbers were 1800. She said her Doctor said the scans were good. Yours aren’t as high as that. Call the Doctor so you don’t have to wait. Not knowing is the worst. All you are going to do is worry.’
“They will call.”
Laura left a message for her Doctor. She has been sitting at home waiting for him to call.
‘By the way, I told Stacey. She could tell something was wrong when you came back downstairs. She said she knew something was up. She left the room in case you wanted to talk to me.’
“It’s ok. Thank you.”
An hour had past and I get another text. I was hoping she had heard some news.
“Sorry. Just keeping busy.”
‘It’s okay. I know how you are.’
“Ok.’
3:00 hit. 4:00 then 5. Right after that, my phone rang.
I’ll let her journal tell you what they said…
January 4th, 2016.
“I called the office for my lab results. The nurse said that my labs were all within the normal range, except my tumor marker was 190.5. I asked her what the range was, and she said 0-38. I said that seems very high. Could she tell me what they were before? So, she went back and looked and said that in August they were 39.9. In April they were 79 and back in January they were 95. I said wow, that seems very high and a big jump from August and even from January. I told the nurse that I knew they could vary, but this much. She said that she would let Dr. M. look at them and get back with me. My heart dropped. I was getting nervous and scared. I had to wait for them to call me back. They did at about 4:30. The Doctor wants me to have a PET scan. I told Courtney to call the insurance company first, before scheduling. She said she would take care of it. Still very nervous. I am calling the insurance company in the morning. I need to do this for myself. They have denied this scan twice. I told the girls and David the results of my test, and that I was going to Fort Scott on Wed. for my sister’s surgery. The girls are nervous and scared. I promised them I would be honest with them. I hate this. I don’t want my family worrying. Everything is going to be ok.”
9:41 P.M. I sent the only text message I could think to say…
‘Read it again. My daily prayer. Psalm 91
1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the
shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my
God, in whom I trust.”
3 Surely He will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the
deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you
will find refuge, His faithfulness will be your shield and
rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies
by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague
that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right
hand, but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment
of the wicked.
9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,” and you make the Most
High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you, no disaster
will come near your tent.
11 For He will command His Angels concerning you to guard
you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not
strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra; you will trample
the great lion and the serpent.
14 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him; I will be with him
in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my
salvation.”
I saw this today, too. ~If you’re going to go to the next level, you’ve got to say so. If you’re going to accomplish a dream, overcome an obstacle or break an addiction, you’ve got to start declaring it. It has to come out of your mouth. That’s how you give life to your faith.~’
I didn’t hear back from her. I thought… Oh boy, what are we going to do. There’s not a single thing I can say right now, that’s going to make any difference. God’s word is the only thing she needs.
Almost an hour later, my phone went off.
10:33 P.M.
“Thank you. I needed that. I am going to be ok. It’s just a bump. I will be ok. God has got this. My journey continues. He knows and I trust Him. I am in good hands.”
I didn’t answer that text. I know when to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t know how to answer her, anyways. I was trying to do what we all were probably doing. Trying to figure this out. Right now, what she said is right. Right now, it’s in God’s hands. We pray. That’s all we can do.
I went to sleep right after that. I should say, I tried to sleep. What are we going to do if the cancer is back? I laid there for the longest time. I didn’t know how to think. All the prayers, chemo, and struggles we have been through. And to think it might not have worked.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect to hear from her tonight. When Laura is quiet, she’s like me, she likes to be left alone.
1:01 A.M.
“Hey, I am ok. Trying to sleep. Mind won’t turn off. Took meds. I told David and the girls. Everyone is ok. Thank you, my friend. Love you”
‘My mind won’t shut off either. Just got up and took a melatonin to see if that will help.’
“I thought you’d like this pin on Pinterest.”
Laura often sent me things from Pinterest. Most were encouraging quotes. I wish I could tell you what it said. I wish I knew for myself. All these pins she has sent me by text, now shows up as a blank picture and link. I guess over time, my phone has deleted them or maybe she has deleted her account. I’ve tried to copy and paste the link. The link wouldn’t go anywhere. I guess, I don’t know.
At the time she sent me this one, I answered her with…
‘That is good.’
“So sorry you can’t sleep. I talked with Luisa. She told Grandpa. Grandpa said that Grandma’s counts did that too. 3 months after her last treatment. Grandpa said, that’s when it came back. He is worried. As well as Luisa. But I am holding strong.”
The Grandma and Grandpa that Laura is referring to, is Luisa’s mother-in-law, Carol, and father-in-law, Wayne. Luisa has a special bond with both, she always has. I should mention here, Carol and Wayne are her ex in-laws. Luisa and their son, Brian, are divorced. Luisa has and always will be involved in this family’s life. I never had the honor to meet Grandma Carol before she died. I hear she was a wonderful woman. As for Grandpa… I have seen him around the church and daycare and talked with him many times. It’s not unusual for any one of us to say… ‘Hi Grandpa’ anytime we see him.
In 2009 Grandma Carol was diagnosed with breast cancer. She underwent treatment and beat this disease. Luisa told me she was in remission for 3 years before the cancer returned. When diagnosed the second time, Grandma’s cancer was classified as triple negative. Just like Laura’s. She underwent treatment again until placed on hospice. A month and a half later, she died. Luisa told us she started having dizzy spells. That’s when they found out cancer had spread to her brain.
Laura knew about Grandma’s story. She also knew about her dizzy spells. Now you understand why she was so worried about her own.
Grandma Carol’s cancer was always in the back of Laura’s mind. She was the only person she knew, who also had triple negative.
‘I’m glad you told your family. They are there for you. That’s what families are for.’
“Yes, I know. Worry on Rachel’s face. I can tell on Amanda’s too. I just hate to do this to them.”
‘I know. You know what word has been in my head all day? You should know what word I am talking about… Believe.’
“Yep. Believe. I know. Me too! Crap. We know too much about each other. Thinking alike. Lol.”
‘Oh crap, is right. Haha.’
“Haha. Lol.”
‘I have a book. Shoot, I can’t remember the name of it. There’s something in the title about speaking God’s word. Anyways, it has different scriptures organized in chapters for different times of your life. Whether it be… Parenting, anxiety, worry, guidance, fear and so on. My first thought was to send you the page on worry, but I decided to stick with my go to one instead… Psalm 91. Let me find the book and I’ll send you these too. They are good.’
I picked up the small book from my nightstand shelf, opened it and found a page that I thought would help. I took a picture of these scriptures and sent them in my next text.
“Thank you. It’s going to be ok. A week from now we will look back and think, what were we doing being all worried. It’s gonna be alright. I do believe.”
‘Yeah, you’re going to be alright. I just clicked on that pin again. I scrolled down to the bottom to read what was underneath. I didn’t know there was more to it. Very good message. That word has never failed me before. Funny how it just randomly just shows up. Kind of like that old saying… ‘Keep on Truckin’. Ha! Remember that one from when we were little? How about… Keep on Believing.’
Whatever quote Laura sent me, had to do with the word Believe. I remember now, the small word written at the bottom.
“Yep. I know. Haha. I am gonna be alright. I am gonna be alright.”
‘Hey, there IS a song… Don’t Stop Believin’. Ha! Am I putting you to sleep yet?’
“I know that song (smiley face). Yep. Getting sleepy. You?”
‘You got this. You know? Right now, it’s just a number. That’s all. Good is coming.’
“I know. Hey, I will talk to you at 4:42 A.M. G e t some sleep. It’s kicking in. My meds.”
‘It’s 4:47 you goof!’
“Lol. Maybe that’s our new time. Haha.”
‘Ha! I think we have covered all the time periods. Goodnight.’
Laura’s medicine was kicking in earlier than just a few minutes ago. Most of the words she texted me was either misspelled or spelled in lower case. You probably noticed the spacing between the last word… Get. I decided to leave that one in, just the way she sent it. Our conversation was short, she was sleepy, and we all needed some rest. The clock end time… 1:45 A.M.
January 5th, 2016
“Called the insurance company. After getting transferred three times I finally talked to someone in the right department. Told them why I was calling. The guy on the other end told me that they have denied my scan again. I was in tears. I couldn’t believe it. He just said that my physician needed to call their physician to advocate for me. I was so upset when I got off the phone. I called my doctor’s office to let them know and what is next. I told Courtney they said with the information about my tumor markers from the past, that it would probably get it approved. She told me she sent all my lab work along with the tumor marker results for the past year. I just started crying. I told her that I was sorry. It wasn’t that I was scared, just frustrated with the insurance company. She understood and said she would talk with Dr. M. I then talked with Julie. She said that yes that they have gone up, and that it was more than just from eating something or a cold, etc. That was a big jump. She would talk to Dr. M. as well. Today was a sucky day. I am just frustrated. Leaving tonight to go to Ft. Scott. Weather is turning bad, so we are leaving tonight. Had a good visit with Debbie, Brenda, and my mom. We watched the series ‘Grace and Frankie’ on Netflix. It was funny. Courtney called me back today, and said that the doctors were having a phone conference at 12:30 on Wednesday. She would let me know the results.”
January 6th, 2016, Wednesday…
“Early morning. Had to be at the hospital at 6:30. My sister is doing well. Surgery took about 1 ½ hours. It went very well. She was very talkative after surgery. Didn’t want to miss out on anything, anyone said. She needs her rest. We are all very happy with how she is doing. Her lower back is hurting but she is doing good. My doctor’s office called me today about 12:40. The insurance company approved my PET scan. They will be calling me to set this up. I am so relieved. Got home from Ft. Scott about 5:30. My breast care navigator (who has known Laura for years) called me and she is trying to set up the appointment for Friday. She said that she was so sorry that my counts are up. She tried to explain them to me again. She said, that the numbers were elevated and that a PET scan was needed to see if anything was going on. This scan would help. She called me back and said that she got me scheduled for 2:45 on Friday. Last appt. of the day. I am so relieved. Glad this is going to happen.”
“This waiting sucks. They finally called and said the scan has been approved.”
‘That’s good. Do you have an appointment yet?’
“Scan is scheduled for Friday at 2:45.”
‘Good deal. Glad it is soon. How’s your sister?’
“She is doing well. Has been awake a lot this afternoon. We left so she would get some sleep. We are home now.”
‘Good. Did your mom come back home too?’
“Yes, she is home. How was your day?”
‘It was okay. The kids were very ‘busy’ today. We got our worksheet done and the mittens.’
“I am sorry. I will be back tomorrow.”
‘It’s all good. I read another good one. It’s pretty cool…
~That’s the thing about being a person burning with passion. The whole world can see their light. They have something so bright inside them, others can’t help but notice it in their eyes, on their faces, and in their actions. They use their lives to provide some light in a dark world that can be overwhelming and scary at times. How does one use their light to start a flame in others, with hopes that someday they might use their light to shine on.~ Author Unknown.’
“That is good.”
‘That is really good! That would be a job well done.’
“Yes, it would.”
‘How are you doing?’
“Good. Staying busy. Keeps my mind from thinking.”
‘I suspect so. Glad things went good with your sister. Hey, Dr. Oz was supposed to have a segment on his show about how to shut your mind off when you want to sleep. I should look that up.’
“Me too. I know I wish I could turn mine off. Staying positive that everything will be ok. It will.”
‘Put some headphones on and listen to music. Then you will have a song stuck in your head. You are going to be alright. Here’s something that will make you laugh…
I spilt a kid’s water today. Knocked that sucker right over when I gave him more snack. Cleaned it up, then went over to give Easton some. He picks his cup up and holds it way over out of the way. Haha. I was like… HEY!! He smiled and giggled.’
“Lol. That’s something I would do. I am glad the doctors talked today. Glad my doctor stood up for me. Nerves are doing better today. Talked to my navigator tonight. Still trying to understand why my number is so high. She had no answers. I am not thinking bad. Just what-if. It’s hard not to. But thinking more that I am ok. I have to.”
‘You know what? You look good. You feel good. Even your skin tone looks good. Hard to believe that anything would be wrong. Your numbers are always wacky anyways.’
“I know. Just wish they were not so wacky.”
‘So will you hear something later that afternoon? Or will you have to wait?’
“I’ll have to wait till Monday. It will be a long weekend.”
‘I sent you a couple of emails. Read the article and watch the video. I’ll talk to you later. I have something to say about them.’
“Ok. Give me a few. Talking to Rachel.”
I pulled up my emails on my laptop hoping that I still had them. I found a handful of emails sent to Laura, just not the one about this story. What I can tell from my text, this email was a video from Steve Harvey. It was a story about Faith. I will share the text message I sent to Laura. I sent it to her right before bed. Once again, here we go with another one of those messages that somehow just shows up. The timing of these things is incredible.
‘You know, I really haven’t known how to respond or what to say to you. I felt like if I told you not to worry, that everything is going to be alright, and then it wasn’t, well… (For a lack of a better way to put it) it would be a lie. I don’t want to do that. But I DO feel like everything is going to be alright. Clint and I talked. We watched the video I sent you. He told me about his conversations with his own boss. Their relationship is kind of like ours. They are both friends and talk a lot about life. Clint is a General Superintendent and Jay is above him. One day they were talking about the younger superintendents that they have mentoring. Clint’s boss told him, now you are responsible for them. Clint was like… Well I don’t want to be. Jay said… Too late. You already are. This kind of goes along with this video and its message…
Who’s that person in your life, that you have been placed to help? I had Clint watch the video and afterwards he said… What if I didn’t share my Faith with you? What if I was stopping your blessings? What if you were stopping mine? It made me think. What if, in this world, you didn’t share what God intended you to share? Maybe we are supposed to do what God places in our heart. Maybe we don’t need to question the reasons why… We’re just supposed to do it. Then I read the article about the guardian angel. I thought to myself… What’s the message I need to hear? What am I to receive from this?? I believe the answer is clear… Faith. 100% Faith. We have no other way to believe. If we choose to have doubt and not believe, and the outcome was not good… What if we find out, if we only believed and had that Faith… The outcome WOULD have been good. Why would you take that chance? It’s kind of like this…
Okay, I believe. I believe with my whole heart. I have that powerful Faith. The outcome is good. Yahoo! Great!! But let’s say it’s not so good news… But we still chose Faith. Okay, God is in control for our plan. But let’s say, on the flip side we choose doubt, and things don’t turn out like we wanted… What if then God was saying… If you would have only had Faith. You could have had the blessing. So why would you even want to take the chance with doubt? Doubt is a lose/lose. We have to Believe. No matter what. What do you have to lose with Faith?
Laura, I don’t always know what I am talking about and I may not always say the right things. But what I do know is, what’s in my heart. I’m going to keep telling you to have that Faith. Keep trusting. Keep believing.’
“We have nothing to lose, Deb. I believe God has this. It is in His hands. Whatever happens, happens. I will continue to have Faith and keep going. I am ok. I am feeling ok and blessed.”
PET scan was set for Friday, January 8th, 2016.