Chapter 25
Early Thursday morning, my phone goes off…
3:01 A. M.
“I can’t sleep. Mind is going. Heart racing. I know I can do this. It’s so real. It’s been one year. I am happy but still nervous.”
I stared at my phone for close to ten minutes. I thought we were done with these middle of the night texts. She just got the all clear from her scans and the last time we talked she was happy. It took me a minute to open my eyes, and another minute to gather my thoughts.
‘It’s just a day. You will feel some sad emotions, yes. But you will also feel… Wow, I did it. The hard part is over. Find the good. I know you are happy, and I know you are scared. You are human.’
I quickly sent her another text. I thought maybe she needed something to calm her nervous.
‘You want to know how to calm your heart? Talk to God.’
“I have been. A lot going on in my head right now. Not just this. Rachel, work, the pre-k class. Life.”
‘Hold your head up and tell yourself… I did it! Fear is what you make it to be. It’s a bunch of crap we let our minds believe. Our hearts on the other hand… IF you listen to it, has no fear. It will be alright. It always is.’
“That is very true. Right now, my mind is just cloudy. I don’t know why. It’s not because of my sinus infection. It’s like I’m going through the motions. I can’t put my finger on it.”
‘Rach will be fine. They’re going to find the perfect house someday. The average price for houses is up there. Just seems like a lot to us. Don’t let things get to you. As for work and pre-k, you gotta laugh all this stuff off. It’s a tough class this year. The kids are just learners.’
“It will be ok. I am strong and I can get thru this as well. Thank you for always listening. I know I can get thru it. If I looked back on my phone, I bet we were having a conversation right now a year ago.”
‘Your mind is fine. It’s called nerves. Anxiety. I know, I have been there. You can’t function because you are protecting yourself from feeling what you were a year ago.’
“I know. They are thinking about looking at apartments. His job is also changing too. A lot going on there. On pre-k, yes, they are learners. It’s a hard year. But yes, I am laughing it off. They are just little people looking at us for guidance. They need us.”
‘Tell your friend at the Doctor’s office you are worried. Maybe she can talk to the Doc. so you can get your piece of mind. But just so you know… You are okay. You’re going to be okay.’
“I guess so. I don’t know. Maybe. I will be ok. Thank you. I will try to sleep. Thanks for always listening. Go to sleep. I know I’m going to be ok. I don’t want to go back, only forward. Just wanting and being happy. I know I have work to do.”
‘See… God has got that too. Apt. is a good start. Yeah, we probably were having a conversation this time a year ago. Don’t scroll up! By the time you get there, it will be time for work! Ha! Yes, we have to work a little harder on these pre-k’ers. Don’t let them get to you. You need a moment to breathe then breathe. I got it! The same goes for me.’
“At least they like us. I think. They are excited to see us! We are doing good with them. It’s just going to take time. Thanks.” ‘Tell God… Here you go. Take these worries. He’s got you. Always has…’
“I know. Thank you.”
‘I read an article the other day. A man wrote about his terminally ill wife. He talked about friends coming to visit with her. Each one came into her room to sit and talk. After they left, he asked his wife if she had a good day. She said it was like a dream. A real sweet dream.
I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. There’s nothing better than a sweet dream. You know? Funny thing is… We have them every day. They are all around us. We just forget to open our eyes. Look for your sweet dreams. You will find your joy, your peace, and your happiness. Go to sleep. You’re going to be just fine.’
“Thanks for the story. So true.”
4 A.M. that conversation ended. Whatever that was bothering her, she was able to talk it through.
It’s funny… This friendship of ours. We never talk about these so called ‘moments’ other than in the moment that you’re going through. We arrived at work later that morning, just like any other day. If you weren’t living in one of our households, you would never know about Laura’s rough night. I never mention it and she doesn’t either. Middle of the night conversations are just like middle of the day. They are just feelings. Sometimes scared. Sometimes happy, and sometimes confused. It doesn’t mean something bad. It just means we are human.
Be that friend that a person can trust with anything. You’ll find that to be a wonderful gift. No judgements, no shame, no criticisms. Just honest, open, and real. You both will learn something from each other. What a special kind of friendship that is.
I saw another quote that speaks to this.
It’s amazing to me… The ‘how and when’ these things show up in my life. This one, I also sent to Laura…
‘Opinion is really the lowest form of human knowledge. It requires no accountability, no understanding. The highest form of knowledge is empathy, for it requires us to suspend our egos and live in another’s world. It requires profound purpose larger than the self-kind of understanding.’ ~ Bill Bullard
Laura made it through the day just fine. I’ll let her journal entry tell you the rest…
Thursday, November 19th, 2015
“Today is a special day. One year ago, today, I had a sonogram done on my breast. Today, I knew I had breast cancer. It is hard to believe that one year ago, this journey I have been on started. But on the other side, I made it. I am a survivor. My family and I made it thru this long journey. My health is good. My CT scan was good. I am on my way to a new life. Thank you, God, for giving me another chance to be who you want me to be. I start with being happy and enjoying each and every day. Thank you, God, for another year. I am truly blessed. I had lunch today with Cyn. It was good to talk with her, just about life. Life is good to have so many people thinking about you and praying for you. I am truly blessed.”
I sent her another story that I heard about. I’m sure many of you have heard it too. It’s a good one to remember.
‘There was a little old lady about to move into her new retirement home. She needed help in life because she was partially blind. As they were walking down the hall, the lady was telling her about her new apartment. Before she could get any words out, the little old woman spoke up and said… “I love it!” She stopped for a minute in the hall and said… “But you haven’t seen it yet.” The old woman said… “I have already made up my mind that I love it. Happiness is something you decide ahead of time. Whether I like my new apartment or not has nothing to do with how it is arranged. It’s how I arrange my mind. I have already decided to love it. It’s a decision I make every morning. To focus on the new day and happy memories. The good not the bad.”
Change your thought process Laura. You have already arranged your mind on how to feel about these upcoming dates. You can dread them, or you can find the joy. Focus on the good memories. It doesn’t discount the bad or what happened. Choosing to celebrate the good, puts you back in control of your life. Choose happy! What would your Dad want you to do? What would make him smile? He’s watching you. Think about it.’
“That was good. That is so true. He would want us to be happy. To be laughing and enjoying our day. I know it will be different. I have accepted that. I think when I say them now (the dates), it’s different than it was a month ago, because I never thought of them. It just hit me one day and I couldn’t stop thinking. Now it’s different. Today was good. I am here and so blessed to be with family and friends.”
‘I’m glad to hear that, Laura. I’m glad today was good.’
And just like that, we started talking about something else. She made it through that first anniversary date. Let’s hope the others are the same.
‘Hey Laura, did you recognize the song that’s on your music box? I don’t think it was written on the outside of the box. It’s hard to make out because the tune plays so fast. Anyways, it’s ‘How Great Thou Art’. Remember when we talked about it?’
“Yeah, I do. It’s a good song.”
Friday, November 20th, 2015
“Today is our Anniversary. We have been married for 33 years. Had Chinese for dinner and just happy to have another year together. It was a good day.”
Saturday, November 21st.
“Busy day. Cleaned and spent a few hours with Mom. Today, I started decorating for Christmas. I know it’s early, but last year was a little crazy and busy. I am ready to enjoy this Christmas. Looking at the trees, the ornaments, and the memories from the year’s past. So thankful for everything. The trees are so pretty undecorated.”
Sunday, November 22nd.
“Finished decorating, all except the trees. On Wednesday, the girls will help me decorate the trees. A new tradition. I want them here to help decorate them. To remember their childhood memories of Christmas. Went and put up Mom’s tree. Well, I bought her a new one. I knew she wouldn’t be happy with her 4 ft. tree, so I wanted to buy her a 5 ft. But guess what? Wal Mart doesn’t carry 5 ft. ones anymore. So, the hunt was on. Well, after a few stores, I bought a 6 ft. tree at Target. It is a very pretty tree. We put the 4 ft. tree in her room. Going to decorate it with KU decorations for my Dad. It was a good day. Things are looking good. Feeling very blessed. Thanksgiving is going to be a good one.”
There you go… Life is back to normal.
I was still on a quest to get her to go to one of these support groups. I felt that if she was worried about these anniversary dates, then maybe being around others would help ease those pains. I sent her a text about one I thought would be good.
‘There’s a Post Treatment group meeting on Monday night. It looks like it is only once a month. If you want to go.’
“Where are you?”
‘Well now, I’m at a concert. Thomas Rhett and Brett Eldridge. -The Boots and Suits Tour-. Clint and I are representing the boots.’
“LOL. I forgot about the concert. I will let you know about Monday.”
There she goes, blowing it off again. She didn’t talk anymore about going to the meeting. It seems like every time I bring them up, she starts talking about something else. I won’t push it. She will go when she is ready.
“I’ve been decorating. Just have the family room left. This will be the last year I put Rachel’s ornaments on my tree. I have had a few moments today. My sister made ornaments last year. Inside each cookie cutter was a picture of my kids when they were little. In one of them, was a picture of my Mom and Dad. I lost it. Crying is good. Right?”
‘Oh boy! Well don’t get dehydrated! (This is what I say to her since she cries like a water faucet.) Yes Laura, crying is good.’
“I am good at it. LOL.”
‘It will get easier, I promise. You will still remember but in a different way. Not so sad. 4 years ago, today, was the last time I talked to my Mom. She was never alert after that. But it’s ok. You will be okay too.’
“I know it will. It just sucks right now, you know. It’s okay. Have fun! Thanks.”
I didn’t talk with Laura for a few days. I was sick with the flu after that. The only time I heard from her was when she was checking in to see how I was feeling. We were on Thanksgiving break, so both of our lives were busy.
Laura’s journal entries…
Monday, November 23rd.
“Had a doctor’s appointment with Dr. B. (the surgeon). All is going well. I will see her again in six months. That will be a year after surgery. Crazy. It has gone by so fast. God is good. So much to be thankful for.”
Tuesday, November 24th.
“Today I had an appointment with the OT (Occupational Therapist). Been having some problems with my right arm feeling heavy. She said this was the early onset of lymphathy(??). So, it was discussed, and I will be wearing my sleeve for 4 weeks. I will be checked each week by phone to see how I am doing. Will follow up with her on Dec. 22nd. Wow, that is the date of my first chemo. Today, I got to meet with the staff. Today, I thanked them for all they have done for me this past year. I couldn’t have gotten thru it without them. It was good for me to be able to thank them. Got to spend the evening with the kids. It was a lot of fun. Enjoy each day I get to spend with them.”
Note: (Info. Taken from the internet). Lymphedema is swelling in an arm or leg caused by lymphatic system blockage. The condition is caused by a blockage in the lymphatic system, part of the immune and circulatory systems. Lymphedema is most commonly caused by lymph node removal or damage due to cancer treatment.
Wednesday, November 25th.
“Half day for me. Ordered pizza for the staff and cookie cake for dessert. It was a good day. Spent some time with Rachel. Had lunch and shopped at Kohls. Picked the kids up and spent the evening with them. Pizza for dinner. The girls helped me decorate the trees. It was a good evening. So very thankful for the girls. They have had a year. So, blessed.”
Thursday, November 26th.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year we have so much to be thankful for. Our health and I am able to spend more Thanksgivings with my family. We are truly blessed this year. It has been a hard one with so many setbacks. But thru it all, I made it. We made it. God is good. Thankful for my brother-in-law, David. We both have made it to the clear of being cancer free. Such a good blessing. Couldn’t be any better than that. Spending time with family. Miss my Dad this Thanksgiving. Mom is doing so well. Glad she was with us this year. Miss you Dad. Turkey leg was saved for you. I am just so thankful for my family and friends. Their support and prayers have been my blessing for recovery this year. So thankful. Amanda and I went shopping about 9 P.M. home about 2 A.M. (Early Black Friday shopping). Shopping was good. Missed having Rachel with us. Maybe next year.”
Friday, November 27th.
“Another shopping day. Thought I would be home by 12. Well, how about 5. What a day! Met Amanda at Old Time Pottery. Didn’t know she was going, but it was good to see the kids. Then off to Hobby Lobby and then Joann’s. What was I thinking that I needed fabric?? Stood in line for over 1 ½ hours for fabric. I know, crazy. I don’t even sew. Oh well. I got it. Then off to Amanda’s to go to Michaels. First, we had lunch, and then to Michaels for ribbon. One more tree to fluff. Judy, that lives by Mom, fluffed her little tree and then home. I am really tired. What a day!”
As you can see… Laura has been busy while I have been sick. She’s been busy living life.
I hope you are catching on to the different tone and content of Laura’s entries. She is loving every minute of this new life.
At one point, after Thanksgiving dinner, she sent me a picture of a tall glass of white wine. I laughed at the time she sent it. The picture and text came thru at 5 P.M.
“Hi, hope your day is going good. I am enjoying some quiet time.”
All I could answer back was…
‘Whaaat?!?! What the heck are you drinking?’
“Yes, me! Wine Haha.”
‘Look at you!’
“I know. LOL.”
‘How was your day?’
“It was good. Lots of food. Kids were good and so cute. We’re going to get wet tonight”
This conversation we were having, was after Thanksgiving dinner and before the Black Friday shopping rush.
I was feeling better and had Thanksgiving with my family as well. Clint was going to be my Black Friday shopping partner this year, since Brandi was spending the holiday in St. Louis. I talked him into driving me around since there was rain in the forecast.
“What about you?”
‘Today was good. Went to Clint’s folks. Always a good time. Last night we took my Dad out to eat. It was still hard having a conversation with him. It was only normal about 5% of the time. He was happy though, and we could tell he was happy to be with us. Still made me sad. I asked him to bring his photo album so we could stop by the store and make some copies. He has a lot of good pictures of my Mom. Several of them are from their trips. They have been to all kinds of neat places… England, Scotland, Ireland, Austria, Germany. They’ve even been to Africa. These pictures were at a time in my life that I remember my Mom the most. Times when she was happy, before she was sick. So glad I got them.’
“Me too! Glad you had a good day and good time with your Dad. It’s hard to see them not themselves. Glad you got the pictures. Memories are good. Along with tears. Love you.”
‘It was a rough night for sure. My Dad wasn’t himself at all. It is hard seeing him this way. As for the pictures, my Mom sure had a lot of good times. You know… She was always happy! One of those people, everyone loved. I hope I am remembered like that. Anyways, glad you had a good day. How’s your arm?’
“Tried the sleeve on and my arm feels better. Weird, huh?”
‘Well, that’s good. Yes, very weird.’
“Your mom is always with you. You are like her. You make people laugh and want to be around you. You are so important to me. More than you know. Your mom is proud of you and so is your dad. Remember the good times. Thank you so much for being there every step of this journey. I am truly grateful for everything you have done for me. I am blessed.”
‘You are funny. You act like I did some big thing. You did this cancer thing all on your own. You are an incredibly strong human being. Thank YOU, for not giving up.’
“I had a lot of help and support. I couldn’t have done it without your help.”
She ended that text with her typical set of emojis. A smiley face, a pink flower, and a palm tree.
If I didn’t know better, I would think that wine was going to Laura’s head. Just kidding!! The fact is… This is how she feels about life. She values people on such a different level.
To her… She loves her family more than anything. They are the ones who got her through. She talks about them with the greatest of love. And every time she does, it brings on the tears. Gosh, what a wonderful kind of love that is.
Every person that has crossed Laura’s path has meant something special to her. When she says… She is thankful for everyone and everything… She means it. The kindness and love that has been poured out to her, overwhelms her.
As for me… She has told me so many times… Thank you for being there. Sure, she gets sentimental. I just let her say what she needs to say. When she is done, I’m back to making jokes so we don’t get too serious and sappy. If I don’t… You can guarantee she will be crying.
Crying is good. Right??
Yes Laura, crying is good. Especially when you are crying tears of love.
And for the record… You are important to me too. You are a good friend who has been there to help me through my tough times as well. I am forever grateful for you and our friendship.
The smallest gestures in life can mean so much to other people. We don’t always know what one may be going through. If you find it weighing on your heart to reach out to someone or even say a few simple words… ‘How are you doing? Been thinking about you. I miss you.’ Take the time to do it. Words like these, mean a lot. Think back to the times someone has left an impression on you. It was a pretty good feeling. Wasn’t it?
Question… Do you ever let your friends know what they mean to you? Oh, we do it with our families, our husbands, and wives. But how many times do you reach out to someone and let them know how they impact your life? Do it now, while you have the chance.
What about strangers… What if there’s that something on your heart that says… Say a kind word. ‘You look really nice today. I love your hair.’
Sometimes… God uses us, to speak volumes to others. Don’t miss out on being His voice.
Laura went to Sonic to get herself a drink. The car in front of her paid for that drink. When Laura got to the window and the cashier told her it had already been paid for… Laura felt overwhelmed and burst into tears.
These simple and kind gestures, even from strangers, can be Gods way of showing His love. What a wonderful gift.
They didn’t know the struggles Laura was facing. But you know what? God did. That’s all that matters.
Crying is good. Right?
Yes, crying is good.