Chapter 24
Birthdays take on a different meaning when you have cancer. It goes from another year older, to thanking God for another year here. Today Laura is celebrating hers. Happy Birthday Laura!
Sunday, November 8th, 2015
“Happy Birthday to me! Today I am 53 years old. I am so happy to be here and to celebrate with my family and friends. I am grateful for everything everyone has done for me. All the prayers and all the support. My birthday was awesome. My family was here. We had a great dinner and just being together. I love that! Lots of birthday wishes. Feeling the love today.”
Laura had a great day. It started off with a meeting at church
with the Journeymen class. They talked about the Upward basketball program, what they do and what it does for the church. At the end of their meeting, Laura gave them an update about her health.
“It was good to share with them my journey and thank them for all their support. It was hard to do. There were lots of tears. But I am so grateful.”
Monday morning, Laura didn’t look well. I thought maybe she overdid it on her birthday. Today is her CT scan. Maybe she is worrying about it.
Before I even arrived at work, she sent me a text asking if I could stay after school and spot instead. I was supposed to go with her for the scans, but since they were down a couple of teachers in the daycare, she asked if I could stay and help. I told her I would. She thanked me and sent me another text saying… “I’ll be okay going to my scan alone.”
I wondered if all of this was why she wasn’t looking so good. I know she tends to worry.
Later that afternoon, here was her text…
“No test today. Insurance has not approved. It’s pending. I figured that would happen. Hopefully this week sometime. Thanks for your help today.”
If you are going through any kind of health issues, you probably understand Laura’s frustrations. It seems like she is always waiting on approval for this test or that. More times than not, it always gets approved. It’s just the going thru part that sucks!
Laura mentioned she didn’t feel good. When I asked her about it earlier that day, her response was… “I’m just tired.” When her plans changed for the evening, that’s when I knew something was up.
It was Rachel’s volleyball banquet at school that night. There are not very many of these events that Laura has missed. She helped Rachel load her car with all the supplies for dinner and then told her she wasn’t going. She needed to stay home.
“I didn’t make it to the banquet. Felt bad. But I just didn’t feel like I could make it,” she said.
Laura felt horrible in more ways than one. Missing this, is just not like her. I checked in with her later that night.
‘How are you feeling?’
“Ok. Just tired. Been sleeping. I’m really dragging.”
‘You better rest. Lots of people are sick right now. You have been back to work for a while and now doing Upwards. Taking on a bunch. Plus… You are 53 years old now!!’
“HA HA HA LOL. I will be okay.”
‘Are you worrying? You know, about the month. The dates.’
“No. I am being strong. I can do this. I have to.”
‘You are doing it. You have been all along. Keep reminding yourself your bad days are behind you. Look at all the good that is coming your way.’
“Thanks. There is good in every day.”
I’m not sure if something was bugging Laura, or if she was just having a bad day. The next couple of days she felt fine. She was acting like her old self. I HAVE noticed one thing about her, she takes things more personally. She doesn’t want anyone to be upset with her and she doesn’t want to do anything to upset anyone else. Who knows what’s going on with her?? Some things she just won’t tell.
Wednesday was Veterans Day. This is a very important day to her.
Her journal…
“Today was a good day! Went to dinner with Mom to 54th St. to honor Dad on Veterans Day. He loved to eat, and this was one of his favorite places to go on Veterans Day. Amanda and Rachel went too. Had a good evening. Miss you Dad.”
I shared a story with Laura. This one was about my Mom. I found out right before my mom died that she used to write in journals. I had no idea that she did this. She never talked about it and honestly, I have never seen one. From what I am told, she liked to write her thoughts on those big yellow note pads. Where she hid them, I don’t know. You would think a big yellow pad would be easy to spot.
A friend of hers told me about them while she was in the hospital. She said… ‘You are like your mom. She told me how you like to write. She likes to write too. She’s been keeping journals all these years. Has she ever told you that?’
When my mom had her open-heart surgery, she wrote each of us kids a letter. She wrote them the day she was told she had blood clots in her lungs. She handed them to my brother and made him promise to deliver them if she didn’t make it through the night. He held onto them and gave them back to her when we found out she was alright. They were back in her possession when she came home from the hospital.
I never got to read what she had to say. Over the years, those letters disappeared. After she died, I wondered if I would receive the one, she wrote to me. I didn’t. I was told they were thrown away with the trash. That’s when the mention of her journals was brought up again. At the time, I didn’t ask to read them. I was still going through the grieving process.
That was the last I heard about the journals. I don’t know where they are, who has them, or even if they still exist. God knows I wish I did. I would give anything on earth to be able to read them.
My mom enjoyed something else that was sentimental to her. She like to collect decorative boxes. I know this because I have seen them in her closet on the top shelf. One contained old pictures of her folks. The other one was full of quarters. That was the one I always paid attention to.
When I was little, I used to sneak in her room and grab a quarter or two. It was just enough to buy me a small Icee from our local 7-Eleven. That box was filled to the top with quarters. I figured she wouldn’t miss one or two. Oh, she knew I would help myself to some. I was a good kid and always told her. Anyways, it only happened a couple of times. Most of my Icee money came from returning pop bottles to the store. .83 cents a carton got me a lot of Icees. And as I grew older it bought me a tank full of gas.
When my mom was sick, she gave my son, Chase, a special box. This was a box that I have never seen before. Chase was her only grandson, so she wanted him to have something special. Something that was also very special to her.
She sat him down and handed him a dark wooden box. Chase was 8 years old at the time, so she wanted to tell him the story. When she was his age, her father gave this box to her.
It was a smooth and sleek woodgrain cigar box, like the fancy ones you see in the movies. They didn’t have much money when she was growing up, so to have a box like this was pretty special. She opened it up to show him what was inside.
Chase’s Great grandfather, her Dad, was the Chief of Police and the Mayor of a very small town in Kansas. Mulberry, Kansas to be exact.
Inside the box was a small black leather case. Inside that case, were his badges. “I want you to have them. They are very special to me.”
This was the first time any of us has ever seen them. What a cool and awesome gift to give to her only grandson. He’s going to treasure these the rest of his life.
She picked up a couple of pictures and said… “This is him. He sure loved horses.” The picture she was holding was of him and his favorite horse. A black and white photo, with him decked out in a cowboy hat, shirt, and boots. Next, she handed him a handwritten letter. ‘This will explain what this box means to me.’
Here is some of what she wrote…
“Dear Chase,
This box was given to me when I was a little girl (about your age) from your Great Grandfather. I hope you will keep it for your very special things like I have done. When you get old like me, it will have a special place in your heart to remember me and him by. I love you very much. You are always in my heart. Love, Grandma”
Chase has filled his box with special things just liked she had wished. She sent him cards and letters, pictures, and coins. All, which he has kept in ‘their’ special box. What a wonderful memory this is.
In case you are wondering about the other box. The one that always caught my eye. Funny thing is… That little tin box… Yeah, she gave it to Chase too. Go figure… She was more than happy to give him some of those quarters.
When Laura’s birthday came around, a few of us met for dinner. This year, I had such a hard time finding the perfect gift. I ended up getting her a couple of pictures for her wall. We all know how Laura loves the beach, so I thought these two beachy pictures might be something fun. I still needed one more thing to make her gift complete.
While shopping, I found a small music box. On the outside of the box was a feather and the words… Faith, Hope & Love. I opened it up to look inside. The tune it played was from a song that Laura and I recently talked about. Imagine that! One, that both our Grandmothers loved. Right then, I had the perfect idea. That’s when the story of my mom popped in my head.
I brought it home and filled it with small little reminders from Laura’s cancer journey. I want them to be good memories not reminders of bad. I was worried if this would bring up bad emotions, so I hoped and prayed it would bring a smile instead. Please God, don’t let her be upset. Please don’t let this backfire on me.
I like to give meaningful gifts, so these are some of the things I placed inside…
The very first white feather I found when all of this began. A breast cancer pin and a button to remind her of her brother-in-law. I even had a charm engraved with the word… Gertie. I found a decorative watch face. I set the time to 4:47. I hoped that one would bring a big laugh. There were other little things that symbolized moments throughout this journey.
I hope they bring up good memories and make her smile. My fingers are crossed that she doesn’t take any of this the wrong way.
We met for dinner. I gave her the beach pictures first. Of course, she loved them, like I said she LOVES the beach. I handed her the other gift. I was worried on how she would take it. When she took it out of the sack, she instantly smiled. She saw the Faith, Hope, Love. But as she opened the box and saw all the little things inside, that’s when she got quiet. She sat there for a moment just pushing them around with her finger. No explanation was needed. She knew exactly what each item meant. She picked them up one by one. The tears rolled down her face.
I said… ‘These are just fun little memories. Please don’t let them upset you.’ She shook her head no and picked up another item. Tears kept rolling down her face. Oh boy! I don’t like to see people cry. So I did what I always do, I made a joke. I said… ‘Ahhh shit! Now you’re crying! STOP crying!!”
Laura passed her gift around for everyone to see. She wiped her tears and opened the rest of her gifts. At this point, I am thinking… She’s okay with it. I don’t think it brought back any painful memories. I will let it go and ask her about it later. Tonight, is supposed to be about fun.
The next morning, I had to meet her at the hospital. 6:45 A.M. we had to be there. She was finally going to have her CT scan. She was nervous and wanted someone to be there.
Me, being the nice person I am, got my butt out of bed to go sit with her. For those that don’t know me… I am not and never will be a morning person. I used to be a night person when I was young. Now I consider myself an afternoon person. We will go with that!
Anyways, I met Laura in the lobby. She checked in and was now waiting for her turn. I don’t remember what we were talking about. It was probably me telling her, she owes me, for getting up so early. In the middle of our conversation, she stops me mid-sentence and says, “I love my box!”
‘You do? Are you sure? I didn’t know if you would want all those reminders. I wasn’t sure how you would take it.’
“They are awesome memories. I love it so much! All those little things are wonderful.”
Right then, they called out Laura’s name. She got up and went back for her scan. I smiled and let out a big sigh of relief. I really thought I might have screwed this one up. Most people wouldn’t want to be reminded of their cancer. But to me…
Cancer brought some good memories too. Times we laughed, times we cried, and times we joked. I am so glad this little memory box became one of her favorite things.
Her journal…
“Dinner tonight with the girls from work. Rachel came too. Carol and Jennie were there as well. It was a good evening. Debbie gave me a great gift tonight. It was a music box. On the front was a feather and inside the box were many treasures. Many memories from this past year. Wow! It was awesome memories that have so much meaning to me. Wonderful gift from a wonderful friend.”
I guess she liked it. I’m so glad she did. It didn’t remind her of cancer. It reminded her of the good we found in the bad.
Thanks Mom, for giving me the idea. Fun and wonderful memories to hold onto.
Friday, November 13th Journal entry…
“Glad it is Friday. Today, I got to spend the afternoon with the kids. Caleb wanted to go to Geema’s house. So we spent the afternoon at Geema’s house. Played cars, Polly Pockets, and ball. Had some dinner then headed home. Had my scans today. I know they went well. Should have the results on Monday when I see the Doctor. Not feeling too well tonight. Throat is a little sore.”
Saturday, November 14th…
“Today was supposed to be a shopping day but I didn’t feel well. Was able to go to Kohls with Rachel, but I knew I couldn’t make it. Fever was up, 99.9. I felt bad. Body achy and not doing well. Went home and went to bed. Laid on the couch the rest of the day. I felt bad. Don’t get to spend much time with Rachel and I blew it. Maybe next time.”
As you can see, life for Laura still has those bumps in the road. Every time she starts to get her life back, she hits another low. I checked in with her to see how she was doing.
‘Are you okay? Are you worried about the fever? A lot of people are sick, you know. Probably just a bug. Let me know if you need anything.’
I didn’t hear from her. She didn’t answer. I checked in later that night.
‘Are you feeling any better?’ She finally answered…
“A little. I think it’s a sinus infection. Just very weak.”
‘Are you eating?’
“Yes.”
‘Don’t you love me asking you that?’
“Sure. LOL. You as little fever makes me feel like crap.”
‘Makes you talk funny too! Are you zapped?’
“Yep. It sucks.”
‘You know… It’s going to take you a while for your body to get back to 100%. It’s been through a lot this year.’
“I know. I am on a roll. Once a month. About the same time. LOL”
This… Was Laura’s life. Just like she said… Once a month, so many weeks apart, she would get a fever. It wasn’t a little one that you could brush off. It was a fever that would put her on the couch. One that would wipe her out.
Earlier, when she wrote about going to Kohls with Rachel… She wasn’t specific in her words. Sure, she went to Kohls with Rachel. She didn’t go into the store. She sat in the car in the parking lot. Does that sound like the Laura you know? No.
This brought on that other side effect from cancer. We talked about it before, and I will mention it again… Guilt.
The thing is… Laura didn’t blame cancer for her weakness. She blamed herself. She thought she was stronger than that. She thought she SHOULD be able to push through it.
And even though I tried to convince her that it would just take time… Her body needed to heal. She just couldn’t get it through her head. She just couldn’t do it. Instead, she felt like she was letting everyone down.
That brought on the ONE thing I could never talk her through. The only thing she could never let go of… That stupid ass GUILT. Dang it!
Remember this, if you have a friend or family member who is going through stuff. That guilt is a powerful thing.
Laura was worried about her doctor’s appointment. She was worried about her scan. I’ll let her journal entry tell you the results…
Monday, November 16th
“Went to my appointment. Made the office staff a chocolate chip cheese ball, which they loved. Appointment went well. My scan was GOOD. Everything was GOOD. This makes me so happy. He gave me a prescription for medicine. Checked my blood counts. White cell 5.4 and Phil was 3.6. That’s not too bad. MRI still not approved. He said if I have any headaches that last more than a few days and does not go away with medicine to let him know. Everything is looking good. I will go back in six weeks. Went to Best Buy to see if they could look at my computers. Rachel’s computer, we couldn’t get into and mine, well we know what I did in December (I hit it). The young man at Best Buy was able to help with Rachel’s and we didn’t lose anything. (Thank you!) My computer, well it’s a goner. When we were done, I asked him how much I owed him, and he said no charge. You see, he asked me what happened with my computer and I told him I had a chemo moment. He told me he understood. His Dad had cancer and died from it. He had a few of those days too. I thanked him. I am blessed. Had lunch with Deb then a fun afternoon with the kids, Caleb and Elizabeth.”
Maybe that was the news she needed to hear. Scans were good. Maybe now we can move past this.
I will admit, I was worried too. I was worried because she kept running a fever.
That morning, was another one of those mornings, that I woke up to a certain song playing on the radio. Right from the start… ‘My song’ letting me know everything was going to be alright.
Thank you, God. I’m glad you taught me how to listen.
After the appointment, I met her for lunch at one of her favorite places… Culvers. It was like having lunch with a completely different woman. She was happy. She was SO happy! It was like the breath that she has been holding for a year now… Well, she could finally let it go.
Laura was ready to move on with her life. She even gave me a speech on how she wants to live. “I want to show people what true happiness is all about.”
Imagine that! Maybe I can exhale too.
She talked like this…
“I can’t and won’t get upset about the little things. Life is too short. I want to be happy.”
I understood what she was talking about. She’s been through a lot. Maybe this is what she was waiting for. Her last scans to be good. Maybe it IS finally time to move on.
Right now, she is happy. Happier than she’s been in a very long time. Here it is November and she is already putting her Christmas trees up. New ones at that! One tall and slender, the other new one… Pink!