Chapter 22

  Laura called and asked me if I would do something for her.  She wanted to know if I would go with her to see about some counseling.  The Doctor’s office had sent her some information about ‘Gilda’s Club’.  I didn’t know it at the time, but ‘Gilda’s Club’ is an organization named in honor of the comedian, Gilda Radner.  

  According to their website…

‘When Gilda Radner was describing the experience she had at a Los Angeles cancer support center, she dreamed that such places could be made available for people living with cancer and their friends and families everywhere.  Gilda died from ovarian cancer in 1989.  With the help from Gilda’s husband, Gene Wilder, along with her cancer psychotherapist and friends, the Gilda’s Club was founded.  The first doors opened in 1995.

  The program is always available to anyone with cancer and their loved ones at any stage, from diagnosis through survivorship.  Provided at no cost.  This program offers Support Groups, Education, Nutrition, Movement and Mind & Body classes, along with Resources and Family Services.  It has supplied cancer support to many patients and families worldwide.’

  Laura asked me what I thought, and I suggested she should go.  That’s when she asked me if I would go with her.  She didn’t want to go alone.  She also asked me if I would keep this quiet.  She didn’t want anyone to know she was seeking professional help.  I tried to tell her it was okay, but she still made me promise not to say a word.  After I agreed to all this, she called and made an appointment.  They had an opening that evening for 6:30. 

  I knew this was a hard step for her.  I told her its okay to get help.  I asked her again, ‘Are you sure you want me to go with you?  Maybe you would feel more comfortable if you went alone.’  She said she wouldn’t do it.  The only way she would go, was if I went with her.  I promised her I would, so I did.

  Laura picked me up at 5:30.  The ‘Gilda’s Club’ was located a few blocks northeast of The Country Club Plaza.  We left early to give us plenty of time to find it.  On our drive there, we didn’t talk about it.  Laura didn’t bring it up, so I didn’t either.  To be honest with you, I was kind of nervous.  I can only imagine how Laura felt.  Instead, we talked about the day.  I tried my best to laugh and joke.  I thought it might ease both of our nervous minds.  We talked about the sites around us and how everything had changed.  It’s been a long time since I have been to The Plaza.  I couldn’t tell you the last time that I had been there.

   We found the place and pulled into the parking lot. I looked around to see only one other car.  Laura picked a spot at the back of the lot that faced a tall apartment complex.  She turned her vehicle off, sat there, and stared straight ahead.  I remember the stillness of that moment.  My eyes were fixed on some apartment lights off in the distance.  She was nervous.  I was nervous. 

  I have never been to counseling before, I didn’t know what to expect.  I unbuckled my seatbelt, turned my body towards her, and said… ‘It will be alright.  Let’s go in and listen to what they have to say.’  Laura didn’t say anything.  She kept looking straight ahead.  I sat there quietly and turned back towards the windshield.  I focused on a different apartment window with a table lamp and white shade.  I gave her all the time she needed.  I didn’t say anymore. 

She took a couple of deep breaths, opened her car door, and said, “Okay, I’m ready.”  We got out and walked towards the door.

  The building was small.  It wasn’t like how I imagined it would be.  It reminded me of a house turned into a business.  Once inside, it took on the image I had in my mind.  A long hallway with many doors, glass windows and lots of plants.  The information desk, where we were to check in, was one of the rooms surrounded by windows.  Before we even entered, a young woman met us in the hall.  She introduced herself and thanked us for coming.  She was one of those walking and talking type of  people.  We didn’t stand there for any length of time, she politely escorted us to an empty room down the hall.  She held out her arm and welcomed us inside.  ‘Please have a seat.  Make yourself comfortable.’

  The room had a brown leather couch and two nice chairs.  A coffee table between them and a small lamp in the corner.  It reminded me of an old-time parlor where people would sit and drink tea.  It wasn’t bright like I thought it would be, just a single lamp dimmed in the corner.  ‘Could I get you a bottle of water?’ She asked.  “No thank you.  We are fine.”

  She asked Laura a couple of generic questions, then excused herself to retrieve some paperwork.  When she returned, she handed us each a blue notebook.  Enclosed was information about Gilda’s Club and a paper she asked us to fill out.  I spoke up and said, ‘I’m her friend.  I just came for moral support.’ 

“It’s just basic information, your name, address and email.  We would like to send you updates and future calendars of all our events.  We have friends and family days with potluck dinners.  It is something you both might like to attend.”

  She left the room for a few minutes allowing us time to fill out their questionnaire.  At this point, I’m not sure if she was who we were supposed to talk to, or if she was just the receptionist.  When she came back in and sat down, I realized she must be the one.  I guess that explains the single car in the parking lot and from the sound of silence, I’m beginning to tell we were the only ones there.

  She sat down in the chair across from us.  She told us about the Gilda house and a little about herself.  She welcomed us and then asked Laura her story.  Laura looked at me as if she didn’t know what to say.  I shook my head and said… ‘Tell her.’ 

Laura started off slow telling her the basics.  Her name, how old she was, that she was married and had children.  Before long, she started talking about her cancers.  It was like the words came from her mouth as one continuous sentence.  Thirty-two years ago, being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma to now having breast cancer.  She talked fast and non-stopping.  Dizzy spells, the mammogram, Triple negative, the mastectomy.   She continued with her brother in law going through cancer and in the middle of it all… Her Dad dying.

“All of this happened at once,” she ended.

  Tears rolled down Laura’s face.  You could hear the quiverness in her voice as she said this and more.  Now she feared the future.  Laura paused for a moment.  She stopped talking and stared directly at me.  The counselor shifted her eyes from Laura’s and stared at me too.  My heart was sinking.  I could feel Laura’s pain.  Oh, she didn’t say anything that I haven’t heard before.  It was just hard to see her like this.  My heart was hurting to see the tears flow.  I looked at Laura, reached down to the coffee table and pushed the box of Kleenex closer to her.  I looked back at the counselor and said, ‘This is normal.  She cries a lot.’  The counselor made a couple of notes.  Laura spoke up and said, “It’s just so hard.  It’s a lot.”  The counselor quietly says, ‘Yes, it is a lot.  I am so sorry.’ 

For the next few minutes Laura just cried.  I desperately looked at the counselor.  In my mind I am saying… ‘Help her!’  She said it again, ‘I am so sorry.  You have been through so much.’

  Within a few minutes she asked us to follow her for a tour.  She talked about each room we passed and told us the different classes they offer.  ‘This is the room where we have most of our group meetings.  There are several nice ladies who are breast cancer survivors.  They meet here on Thursday nights.  I think this would be a good group for you to visit.  Please feel free to come.’

  Next, she took us downstairs to show us the kids’ playroom.  It reminded us of our own daycare.  She said we have a few women who bring their children.  They can play here supervised while mothers attend their support group.  We took a moment to look around, then back upstairs and down the hall.  I’m following along.  In my mind I’m still not sure what’s going on.  I kept waiting to meet someone new to talk to.  Someone who was there to help Laura.

She thanked us for coming and walked us to the door.  I realized this wasn’t a counseling session.  This was an introduction to talk about the center.  I’m still at the point where I’m totally confused.  I know I must have had a strange look on my face.   

  We walked to the car.  As soon as we got in, I said… ‘Okay, I’m really confused.  I was expecting her to help you.’  Laura said she wasn’t sure what to expect.  ‘But wasn’t she supposed to counsel you?  I’m just so confused.’

Laura told me this was a newcomers meeting.  It was like an introduction night.  I quickly opened my notebook and looked through the papers.  Sure enough, it was exactly what the lady talked about.  She was there to listen and recommend which support class would be best for Laura to attend.  I let out a huge sigh.  I said, ‘I thought she was the counselor.  I kept wondering why she wasn’t saying anything.’ 

  I had the piece of paper still in my hand.  We were still sitting in the parking lot.  ‘Are you going to go to one of these?  I read off the list of support classes.  I read the description on the one she recommended.  I said, ‘These people have been through the same thing.  Maybe it would be good to talk to people who understand.  I think it will help you.’

 I offered to go with her anytime she wanted to go.   Laura’s answer… “We’ll see.”

  I spent the next several days asking her… ‘Which class do you want to go to?  The one I think is best is on Tuesday and Thursday nights.  They even have a pot-luck dinner at the end of the month.  Which one are you going to pick?’ 

Laura made an excuse every time I suggested a meeting.  At first, I thought she was busy, so I gave her a break.  I asked her again.  Another excuse.  I kept on asking her for the next several weeks.  Every time a meeting came around, Laura would say… “Maybe next time.” 

We never went. 

  I think I know now, why she never wanted to return.  It was hard for her to express her emotions.  She put it all out there that first night we went.  I think the thought of sitting in front of a group of people terrified her.  She told me how hard it was to share those feelings.  Laura didn’t want anyone to think she was broken.  Who knows?  Maybe she thought this was a one-shot deal.  Maybe she was like me… She thought going that first night would help.  Maybe she only wanted to go that one time.  Who knows??  Maybe it was just too much. 

I guess I’ll never know.

 Her journal entry had good and bad.  Maybe not bad.  Maybe just feelings…

  “Tuesday, October 29^th

Happy 29^th Birthday, Amanda!  Wow!  Time sure flies by.  I can’t believe she is 29.  I am starting to feel old.  Was able to visit with Amanda for her birthday.  Had a good time.  Tonight, I went to a newcomer meeting for cancer.  It was good to go.  I might try a meeting or two.  We will see.  I know I’m not alone in this journey.  This week marks the beginning of the dizzy spells.  This is when everything started to change for me.  How am I supposed to feel?  I don’t know.  I want to feel normal.  But what I feel right now… What is normal?  I want so much for this journey to be over and part of it is.  This next journey is believing and doing what I feel is normal.  Believing in God, trusting Him to have healed me.  This week is the beginning of my journey.  It has been one year since it all began.  It all started with the dizzy spells.  My life has forever changed.  It has been a journey for me and my family.  I am forever grateful for my girls.  I know this past year has been tough on them and very scary for them.  I wish I did not have to put them thru this.  I wish I could have taken this back and not have gone thru this.  But I have seen such a growth in each of them and I am so proud of these young women.  They have grown so much this past year.  I am proud.”

  We went to work that following morning, neither one of us said a word.  We acted like life was normal.  No one knew we reached out for counseling.  I kept it all to myself.

  To the outside world, Laura is doing great.  But inside Laura’s world, her life has been running her.  It’s time for Laura to take control again.  Let’s hope this happens soon. 

Wednesday’s journal…

“October 21^st.

 Busy day at work.  Feeling a little like I don’t know where I belong, how to feel, ect.  Just a lot of adjustments that I am going thru.  Things will get better.  It will take time.  Just have to get thru some rough spots.  Not just with my journey, but also with my Dad.  So much to handle right now.”

  I will look at people going through cancer with different eyes now.  I am learning so much more.  Everyone expects when the chemo is over and the doctor gives you the all clear, that must mean the happiness overtakes you.  We were happy.  We were overflowing with joy.  Each one of us were thanking God for healing our loved one.  And… Like I said to you earlier, we all should be doing this.  It’s something wonderful to thank God for. 

  Our friends and family may have been healed from cancer’s invasion of their bodies, but… And a big BUT… They haven’t yet been healed from cancer’s invasion of their mind. 

That will take time.

  Our hometown baseball team, The Kansas City Royals won the playoffs and are now heading to the World Series.  I entered my email address into a lottery for a chance to purchase tickets to any one of the upcoming home games.  I was so excited when I opened my email and saw I was one of those chosen.  I asked Clint if he wanted to go.  Of course, his answer was a big, “YES.”  I said, ‘Okay, what will our limit be?  How much are we willing to spend?’  We knew the ticket prices were going to be high but then again, this is the World Series.  We decided on our limit and we were going to stick with it.  We only had one problem…  The tickets were going on sale Thursday morning at 10 A.M…  I would be at work.

  I took my computer to work with me, set it up in my room and TRIED to connect it to the internet.  Since my classroom is on the basement floor, the wi-fi connection was not that good.  It was horrible.  Every time I tried to get on, it kept kicking me off.  I asked Laura if she would get on her computer upstairs in the office and let me know when it was my time to make my purchase. 

  The steps to this procedure were, you have to sign, put in either their code or your email (I can’t remember exactly which one), and then click on an option to enter your credit card.  After you are verified, you are sent to a waiting room.  Now you wait.  When your name is next on the list you are taken to a screen to make your purchase.  They only allow you a certain amount of time to pick your seats, add to the cart and move to the next screen.

  My timeslot to enter was at the beginning of my ten o’clock break.  If Laura could get me past the first steps, then I would be upstairs soon to finish the rest.  My plan would work out perfect!

  I met Laura in the office, she already had the site pulled up.  I told her what tickets I would be willing to purchase.  I laughed and said, ‘I will be searching for the cheap seats!’  The limit I had decided on would be $150. per ticket (times two) plus surcharges.  I was comfortable with that. 

  By the time I got to the office, we were already in the waiting room.  We waited a few minutes for my turn.  All of a sudden, Laura yells out, “You’re in!”  We go through the process of looking for tickets.  We soon realized, we only had two choices… Standing room or upper level seats.  Well… I didn’t want to stand all night, so I said, ‘Find out what’s available on the upper level.’  Laura did the searching.  I was too nervous, afraid we would miss out.  Laura says, “Ticket prices for all four games are the same, $180.00 a seat.”  I didn’t say anything, I just stared at the screen.  The limit I had set for myself was 150.  In typical Laura fashion she says, “What’s thirty dollars?  It’s the World Series!”

‘Let me think, Laura.  I really hadn’t planned to spend that much.’

Laura… “They are only giving you a minute and thirty seconds to decide.  What game do you want to go to?  You get to decide.  1, 2, 6, or 7?” 

‘Well, I guess probably game 1.’

Laura pushes the button.  The screen reads… Tickets for game one.  I said, ‘Will you wait a minute??  I am trying to think!’  Laura keeps on searching.  She found two seats together just a little to the left of Homeplate.  So she pushes the ok button to buy.  I say to her… ‘What are you doing?  I am still trying to decide.’  She says out loud, “Next.”  I look at the computer screen.  It’s going to the add-on screen.  “Time is ticking,” she said.  I hear another click.  “Yep!  You’re going to need a parking pass too.  They are cheaper if you buy it online.”

‘Oh my God Laura, will you stop pushing buttons!!  I haven’t decided on anything.’  She looks at me and smiles. 

“It’s the World Series!  It’s a once in a lifetime thing to see.  You will be fine.  Enjoy Life!!”

  I never really did get to decide.  You see… Laura did that for me.  She already entered my credit card information and she had a good time pushing all the buttons.  She laughed when she said… “Done!  You’re welcome!!  You’re going to the World Series.”  I stood there staring at the screen.  I think I was a little in shock.  I don’t normally make decisions like this. 

I texted Clint to let him know.  He didn’t care I went over my limit.  He was happy we were going.  Me… I wasn’t happy just yet.  Laura… Oh, she was REAL happy!  She got to spend my money.  She thinks its hilarious that she got to push my buttons.    

  Laura tried hard to get back into a routine.  She was doing fine earlier when she bought my tickets.  But as the morning went on, cancers grip grabbed ahold of her once again.  She didn’t feel good and she was looking pretty pale.  I asked her what was wrong.  “I feel feverish and achy.”  She took her temperature.  It was 100.4.  I suggested she go home and call her doctor.  Laura agreed.  She gathered her things and went home to rest.

  I checked in with her a little before noon.  She said she was waiting for the Doctor to return her call.  I knew she was scared.  She called Rachel at school and asked her if she could come home.  Amanda was working at the hospital, so she didn’t want to bother her.  She did let her know what was going on.

For Laura to have one of her girls leave work to come home… Well, that is something Laura would never do.  Rachel got another teacher to cover her room and hurried home.  It’s a 45-minute drive home from Lathrop High.  Laura must be really scared.  That… Or something serious must be wrong. 

  Laura sent me a text soon after the Doctor’s office called.  “They want me to go to the Emergency Room.”  I told her I could take her if she needed to go now.  “Rachel is taking me.  She will be here in 15 minutes.”

  I texted her about an hour later.  I never got a reply.  I was worried like everyone else.  So after work, I decided to go by the hospital to see what was going on.  I sent Rachel a text, telling her I was coming by.  She told me what room she was in.  ‘Go straight back, turn right, last room down the hall.’

 When I got there and walked through the door, I instantly saw the scared look on her face.  I asked her if she was okay. 

“They took some tests,’ she said.  “We’re waiting on the results.”

I was surprised to see Amanda there.  She was still dressed in her work scrubs.  She got another nurse to cover her shift.  I could tell by her face that she was scared too. 

I stayed only a couple of minutes.  Before I left, I said, ‘Send me a text.  Let me know what they say.  Hopefully they won’t keep you.’ 

  After a few tests and a couple of hours, Laura was released to go home. 

Her journal…

  Today I was not feeling well.  It hit me at 9:30.  I was able to get in and get Deb World Series tickets.  It was a little over her budget, but I told her it was ok.  Time was ticking.  She was so undecided and nervous.  But in the end, she purchased two tickets.  Giving me a hard time as usual. 

Took my temperature, it was 100.4.  I was ready to call the doctor.  I went home to rest and waited for the doctor to call back.  Let the girls know what was going on.  I asked Rachel to come home.  The doctor’s office still hadn’t called.  Rachel sent a message via Facebook to Julie.  Received a call and they told me to go to the ER.  When I got there my temp was 100.5.  They took a chest x-ray and blood.  Everything came back okay.  My counts were up and able to fight whatever it is I was fighting.  Feeling very nervous.  It is so strange when my counts are up, I feel trouble, counts down, I feel great.  Came home and rested.  Slept most the night.  Ran a fever thru the night.”

  I checked in with her later that night. I asked her how she was doing.  “Ok, I guess.” 

‘You know Laura, you did the right thing.  Stay proactive!  I know it probably scared you, but you know what?  You found out your counts are even better than they were the other day.  Better!!  It’s going to be scary at first.  That is normal.  But like I have said before… You are going to be okay.’

“I know.  Thanks for coming by today.  I really appreciate it.  Thanks!  I guess I’m doing ok.  I feel like crap.”

I talked with her a little longer.  All I was getting was short two- and three-word answers to my texts.  I finally asked her…  What’s up?  ‘Okay Miss short and to the point.  Are you mad?  Upset? Discouraged? Nervous or Scared?’

“All of it.  I just don’t feel well.”

‘Take your medicine and rest.  Text me if you can’t sleep and we will talk through it.  Don’t worry about tomorrow.  Stay home.  It will all be fine.  Take a moment and try to smile.  You are sleeping in your own bed tonight.  Not a hospital bed!’

“I know,” was her answer.  That was at 7:30.  I didn’t hear from her the rest of the night.

  I believed in Laura more than I think she believed in herself.   She just had to learn she would be okay.  She called me the next day and asked if I could do lunch.  She was down and wanted to talk.  I tried again to get her to go to a support group.  There was one coming up that I thought would help her.  All she would say to me was…

“I don’t know.  I will think about it.  I am okay for now.”

 No, she wasn’t!!  I could tell by the way she talked.   This is not how I thought any of this would be.  I thought life would be normal and we would go back to living it… Just like we used to.  When will this cancer thing end?  I don’t know what else to do. 

  I checked in later that evening.  She was quiet just like earlier.  She was talking just like she did when this journey began.  “Just having a moment.  It’s a lot to take in.”  I realized my role in this was not over.  She is more scared now, than she ever was going through her treatments.

Laura was going through a major adjustment.  She had to rely on something she wasn’t used to.  Not her Doctor.  Not her nurses.  Not chemo.  Laura had to rely her mind and body to keep those cancer cells away. 

  I sent her a text like I always do telling her what I believe.

“Ok, I am just going to put this out there.  God has always answered my prayers.  Every one of them.  And yes, I am very specific when I pray.  When I pray and ask if you are going to be okay… I always feel and hear the same answer.  You are going to be okay.  I believe that.  I really do.  I’m still here to talk to.  I’m going to help you thru this.  You will get thru it. I promise.’

“Thanks Debbie, I needed that.” 

  I didn’t know how hard this was for Laura, although I was trying to figure it out.  It’s interesting the process a person has to go through.  Here it is… A few years later.  I sit reading Laura’s journal.  She’s fighting.  She’s fighting hard.  She’s trying to get her life back.

“Friday, October 23^rd

  Slept in a little.  Got up and cleaned the bathroom and ran the vacuum.  Feeling better.  Fever down. Ordered a cake for the doctor’s office.  Had lunch with Deb.  Just having an off week.  Done a lot of crying and thinking.  So many dates coming up and having to re-live them.  Trying to figure out how to turn it around and celebrate them.”

  I sent Laura another text before the night was over.  It said…  ‘Get your mind on something else.  Every time you get down, every time you check out, cancer controls your life.  You are in charge of this ride.  Buck up and take control.  Shake it off!  You are tough, so be tough!  Get pissed and then move on.  Clint says you better cheer up or he’s coming over to get you.’

  Laura agreed she needed to get out of this slump.  She knew she needed to get her mind on something else.  Saturday morning, Laura, Amanda, and Elizabeth did the Breast Cancer Walk at Crown Center.  “It was awesome,” she said.  “We had a good time.”  After the walk, they went to the ‘Holiday Mart’ to do some shopping.   The afternoon and evening were spent watching the grandkids.  Amanda and Jared were celebrating their sixth wedding anniversary, so Laura had dinner and playtime with the kids.  Great Grandma even joined in on the fun. 

  Earlier that day, as soon as they were done with the walk, Laura sent me a text.  “So, are you going to thank me now for your tickets?  Clint is very happy that I bought the tickets.” 

‘All you did was buy me time.  Hahaha!  See, you never should have told me that.’  Laura claimed that she didn’t purchase my tickets, she said she was buying me time.  Now she is changing her tune since The Royals won the World Series. 

‘Okay Laura, thanks for buying me World Series tickets.  You’re swell.  Clint is SO happy you ‘bought’ us tickets.’ 

“Anytime, LOL.  I like spending someone else’s money.”

I wasn’t going to give Laura anymore credit than I already have.  She made me nervous pushing all the buttons.  I still tease her about it, today. ‘You sure like pushing my buttons.’

(Insert giggle) “Yes I do.”

‘Ok Laura,  I guess I am happy you pressured me into spending my entire paycheck on 5 hours of fun.  Which kept me up past my 9:15 bedtime.  Which in turn, made me grumpy at my Wednesday place of employment.  Where I talked very loudly like Stacey because my hearing is now gone!  So, yes, I say thanks!’

I had to give her a hard time.  That’s what I do. 

  The game we picked was awesome!  You know… I don’t even know why I worried about buying tickets for seats.  We ended up standing the entire time.  The game lasted over 5 hours with 14 innings.  And… We ended up winning with a score of 5-4.   

It was intense, it was loud, and it was so much fun.  The newspaper said it tied for the longest game in World Series history.  They also said it was one of the wildest games.  I will have to agree to that!  It was back and forth right up to the end before we knew who would win.

  The Kansas City Royals won the World Series that year.  The fee for ‘Laura’s purchasing service’ was to bring her home a World Series cup.  Thanks Laura, it was fun.  Here’s your cup for pushing my buttons.

Fast forward to 2021…

  Clint asked me what this chapter was all about.  I brought up the World Series.  He said, “You know if it wasn’t for Laura, we would have never gone.  You never would have pushed that button.”

‘You’re right, Clint.  I had a limit and I WASN’T going over it.’

Clint… “It’s a good thing Laura pushed the button then.  We have to enjoy life.”