Chapter 21
Laura’s life was slowly returning to normal. She was back to doing all the things she loved. Her hours at work returned to a regular schedule and she no longer needed my afternoon help. This was a good feeling for both of us.
I went to her journal. I was curious to see how she described these past few days. I found short and simple entries…
“Not much going on. Today was a good day. Everything was good.”
If Laura wasn’t at work, you could probably guess where you could find her. Sitting on the floor playing with the grandkids. Spending time with them is what she wanted to do the most. Gosh, Laura loves these kids. They bring her so much joy! I have seen her face light up as soon as they walk through the door. I’m not too sure which one is having more fun. Laura or Caleb. Probably both!
There were other entries in Laura’s journal. These were about the everyday stuff we all do. “I cleaned the house today. I ran the vacuum, organized my closet, and made dinner.” One of the days she wrote how excited she was to FINALLY be able to rearrange the furniture. “It felt good to do this,” she said.
These are the things Laura has been longing to do. Simple life felt good.
I noticed something in her that I haven’t seen in a very long time. Laura was smiling more and laughing a lot. Small little things that tickled her turned into big belly laughs.
‘I’m glad to see you smile Laura. It’s nice to hear you laugh.’ Laura had a good laugh. One that we all have missed. ‘You’ve been doing that a lot lately. You know… Smiling.’
“Thanks Deb. If feels good. Glad to see it on you too.”
I knew we had turned a corner, even her late-night texts have changed. “Thanks for today. My tummy hurts from laughing so much. Today was so much fun!”
When I wrote this, my intentions were to share that Laura was happy. I wasn’t going to write about the story that made her belly hurt. It was silly laughter over something stupid that a person (meaning me) can accidently do. But… After a long thought process and re-reading it, I thought… Why not?? It’s a prime example to show how she found joy in the simple things. Here we go…
Every day before work, I drive to Sonic to get a drink. Since Laura is back, now I’m getting her one too. ‘Two large unsweet iced teas please… One with extra ice.’ Yep, that one’s Laura’s.
I have cut back on drinking sodas and I have stopped drinking sweet tea. I still can’t make myself drink plain ole tea. So, I add a bit of sugar to ease the bitter taste. Three packets of sugar are perfect for a large size drink
I arrive at work and set the two drinks down on our counter. I put my personal belongings away and take off my coat. Before long, Laura comes downstairs for preschool. We spend the next several minutes just talking and preparing for the day. We talk about work, what we saw on our drive to work, the grandkids, or the kids. It’s so nice to talk about everyday stuff. We don’t talk about chemo anymore
I don’t remember what we were talking about this particular day, but I do remember stopping in the middle of our conversation. In a blank stare I say, ‘Where are my sugar packets?’ I’m desperately looking in all my pockets. I look on the counter and then look on the floor. You see… I NEED my drink just the way I like it. It has caffeine and I have to deal with children. Lots of them!
“You got to be kidding me? Where are they? I just had them. I put them in my pocket this morning.’ I am starting to get upset. I can’t find them anywhere. ‘Laura, have you seen my sugar packets?’ She told me to look in my drawer.
I used to keep some extra packets in there. I go to look. The drawer is empty. I’m now searching through my purse.
Laura begins to laugh. I stop what I am doing to look at her. She’s standing at the end of our counter pointing into the trash can. I didn’t know what she was laughing about. Sometimes we find strange things in our trash. There are other groups throughout the church that occasionally use our rooms.
I walk to the end of the counter, lean over to take a look. Inside the trash can are my three empty sugar wrappers. I stand there for a second. I don’t say a word. I just slowly reach over and pick up my iced tea. I look straight at Laura and take a big long drink. I hold my drink out and say… ‘Found them!’ We both busted out laughing! Maybe you had to be there. I don’t know. But to us… This was funny!!
Our local Chevrolet dealer honors Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The outside of their building was all decorated in pink. On display, in front of their lobby doors, is a brand-new Camaro, all wrapped in pink! Laura talked about this car every day. She would ask us girls at work, “Have you seen that pink car at the Chevrolet dealer? You need to go by and see that pink car.”
Laura drove by the dealership every morning on her way to work. There wasn’t a day that she didn’t ask me if I have seen that pink car yet. I had to make it a point to drive that way on my way home. Just to see the pink car. Otherwise, Laura would continue to get on my case. “When are you going to go and see the pink car? Drive by on your way home. You have to see it.”
Saturday, Amanda, Jared, and Rachel took Laura to the dealership. They were going to have their picture taken by the pink Camaro. Much to Laura’s surprise, they had arranged to have the car for a test drive. Rachel had connections with someone in management, to help make this surprise come true.
That morning, I get a group text from them saying, “Guess what we are doing? We are driving around in that pink car!” I didn’t believe them, so they sent me a picture. I said, ‘Whatever… You are standing in front of the dealership.’
Not long after that text, I get a phone call from Rachel. “Come outside and look down the street.” Sure enough, Laura comes driving up in that pink Camaro. They pull into my driveway. Laura was smiling from ear to ear. I shook my head and laughed when I saw them. My first thought was… “Oh my God, are you going to buy this?’
“No! I would love to!! We’re just taking it for a drive.”
I was told they had it for about an hour. They drove it to the church parking lot and let each one take a turn. Caleb even got to sit on Grandma’s lap and pretend he was driving. Laura said to me, “Caleb LOVED it!’
They had about thirty minutes left before they had to return it. So Laura and the girls drove it to my house. Laura said, “Get in. I’ll take you for a ride.” I opened the passenger door, sat down, and looked around. ‘This is pretty neat. You really should buy this! You know how good you would look in this?’’ Laura smiled and said, “I know (insert giggle). I wish I could.” We drove around my block. I spoke out again. ‘It has a sunroof?? Hey Laura, stick your head up thru the sunroof, take your top off and wave it around. You know… Like you would do if you were young. Hahaha! Oh wait… You don’t have any boobs. Better not do that.” We laughed and joked as if she was some young chick driving around in her new hot rod.
We pulled back into my driveway, got out and took some pictures. Laura wanted a few pictures with her and the girls Soon they were off heading down the street. I swear Laura ‘got on it.’ It sure made a rumble when she left.
I still can’t believe it. Dang! Laura living a dream… Riding around in her pink car. How cool is that?
Their fun day didn’t end just yet. After they returned the car, they were off to The Plaza for lunch. The Cheesecake Factory followed by tickets to see the play… ‘Wicked.’
Laura wrote… “It was a very good show. I had a really good time with the girls.”
10:15 that night, Laura sends me a picture of a page from a book she was reading. “Read this! Start with, I dug deeper.”
It was a little hard for me to read because the picture she sent me was so blurry. I did my best to figure out what it said.
I’m going to try to share with you the part I can make out. At this point, I don’t even know the name of the book or who wrote it.
Here is the part she wanted to share…
‘As I dug deeper into why I was feeling so much anxiety when I was expected to feel relief, it was because I didn’t know where I was headed after today. I have been on a schedule for battling cancer and now it was over. But there was that question that was always in the back of my mind. Will this be my last round of chemo ever? The answer was… There is no answer. I didn’t want to feel too relieved because I didn’t want to get my hopes up when they could be shattered in another six months or five years. The truth was I really didn’t know how to feel.’
Under the picture, Laura writes… “This is me. This is how I am feeling.”
My text to her… ‘How could you not feel that way? It’s the unknown. I guess it’s like everything else in life. You are scared at first, concerned about every ache and pain, but as time goes on you get a little more comfortable with just living again. Then… Life takes over and your anxiety starts to fade.’
Laura had me read more. She sent another picture. I’m not sure if she couldn’t get the page in focus or if her hand was shaking as she took it. The sides of this page were cut off.
As I was reading, I was starting to guess whose book this was. It’s Amy Robach’s book ‘Better: How I Let Go of Control, Held On to Hope, and Found Joy in My Darkest Hour’.
I knew exactly who the author was, when I read about her colleague Robin. Both of these women fought cancer. This was also one of the books Laura said she was going to get.
Once again, I am going to say… It was a blurry picture and half was cut off. I do not know every word that was printed on that page. The part Laura wanted me to read, is about what Robin told her colleague. Something else that spoke to Laura’s heart.
‘Sometimes the hardest part is when the treatment is over. You feel like you’re not doing anything to fight anymore. Your body will be exhausted, and you may battle some depression.’
I didn’t hear anymore from Laura that night. She didn’t send anymore texts. Sure, I answered her with my thoughts and feelings like I always would. She didn’t respond to anything I said. Knowing Laura, this set deep in her soul. She needed time to process and think. She did end up answering me. She answered back with a few texts, that following morning.
This is what I left with her that night…
‘I know it no way compares. And I know I don’t know what or how you feel during this whole cancer experience. Any more than anyone knows how I felt during my anxiety and depression. When it went away, I avoided things that I thought would trigger it. I even hated the month it started in. I never wanted to go back there again. And I still don’t. This past year we went on vacation and stayed our first night at the same campground we stayed at the year I was depressed. The time where Clint put me in the truck and said we are going on a trip. This was that vacation’s first stop too. Remember… I told you we stayed at a cabin that first night.
This summer, when we got there, I took the dog for a walk. I walked over to that little cabin and stood there for a few minutes. I just stared at it. It didn’t hurt so bad. I remember three years ago, freaking out, crying, and shaking. I asked Clint, ‘Please take me home.’ Not a single person knows how I felt during that time. I honestly didn’t know if I was going to make it. Remember me telling you how I would see people smile and how all I wanted to do was smile? I would see old people at the store. I would say to myself… Deb, you are going to be okay. You are going to grow old too. You’re going to be a Grandma someday. Your future is going to be good. I know that sounds stupid and silly to you, but I couldn’t even see myself being any different. I couldn’t see myself being okay. Time has helped me, and it will help you too. Yes, you will always wonder. I think that is a given. But as time goes by, you start to live again. You see that things are alright. I’m alright! Like I said before, my situation no way compares to yours. But it is the same kind of fear. The fear of never wanting to go through that again. I have had times when I thought it would happen. You know what? It didn’t.’
Laura didn’t answer me back that night. That was okay. A lot of times she doesn’t. The meaning for my texts is to give you something to think about. I never expect an answer. I wanted her to think.
The following morning she answered me. “Thanks, Deb, for sharing. I don’t ever want you to go back there either. You are strong and you know what makes you happy. Life is good. I know I will get passed this feeling. For the past almost year, its been full of appointments. That was my life. Now after this week, my life as it should be, will be normal. Am I scared? Yes! But I can get thru this. Saturday was a good day with the girls and so will today be. Just having them around is good. I want them here. Thank you for always sharing with me. Life is good and beautiful. I love this time of the year! This last chemo has left every side effect I could ever have. I have had it all!! The latest… Mouth sores! I said to myself, Really???? Yes, I have them. But this is it. I can handle it. Just wanted to share with you. LOL. Also, you know when my phone turns on. It says Life Is Good. Just letting you know it is with me. LOL.”
I said to her, ‘Well I’m glad you get to experience the full effects of chemo. One step at a time until the steps get bigger and further apart. You will be fine. This morning, I thanked Clint again. He never gave up on me. I thanked him for saving me and helping me through. It sure made me think back. I also told him how good it was to see you and the girls having such a good time. You could see it in their smiles. I’m happy for you Laura! Have a great day! Enjoy!’
A few minutes later I received another text. This was an update on a co-worker of ours. We found out a couple of days ago, she had a mild heart attack and had to have a stent put in.
“She is home and doing okay. She wanted me to forward you this message.
‘FWD: Could you please tell Debbie Thank you for sharing her story of her mom with me. That is what pushed me to go to the hospital.’
I said to her, ‘Is this from who I think it is?
“Yes. I have been texting her. She wanted me to share this.” ‘Dang! I better start paying more attention on what I say. I don’t even remember everything I said. I’m so glad she is doing okay.’
“ Yes, me too. Deb, you have a way with words. Thank you for that. Her Dad is not doing good. They had to take him to the ER. I feel for her. Lots of prayers.”
‘Tell her she doesn’t need to hurry back to work. I can take her class. Very scary. Hope everyone is okay. You know… You never know. All I can think about is… What if I didn’t take the time to listen and talk to her? Maybe she wouldn’t have gone to the hospital. She could have had a major heart attack. Man! That bothers me. I’m so glad she is okay.’
“Yes, I know. So glad you talked. You are something. It’s the way you say it. You are concerned.”
Clint got on me for thinking like this. He said, “Why can’t you be proud of yourself for helping someone else? Why do you have to turn it around by saying what if you wouldn’t have? You did. That’s what we do. Keep sharing your stories.”
All in all, Laura had a good day today. She spent it with family celebrating Amanda’s birthday.
Her journal…
“Got up early and started cooking chicken and noodles for birthday dinner. Had to get things done. Wrap presents, vacuum floors, etc.. Met my Mom and sister at the cemetery. We visited with Dad for a while then back home to finish the dinner. Mom came over. Had a good dinner and birthday with Amanda. Caleb wanted to spend the night. It was so cute how he asked me. Geema, can I spend the night with you? We will do this soon. Love you little guy.”
I think I will go ahead and let Laura’s journal entry tell you the next story.
Monday, October 19th.
“Today I had to go back to the Doctor’s office for blood draws. I waited on my labs. My blood count was good. White count was 4.5 and Phil was 3.1. I was able to give the girls their gifts. Julie, Nicole, Valerie and Cyn. They loved the shirts. Had a chance to talk with Cyn. We hugged and cried together. She thought it might help if I go to a support group. I said I would think about it. She would text me the information. Tonight is volleyball. Austin is riding with me up to St. Joe. to watch the girls play in the district game. Tonight, Austin asked.”
Laura called me on her way home from the Doctor’s office. She told me about her talk with Cyn. I’ve been wondering why and when Laura was going to start to celebrate the ending of chemo. It is all of us who are celebrating, not the one who should be. I am beginning to understand that cancer doesn’t leave your life the minute chemo ends. Cancer sticks around in your mind and in your heart. I sent her a text later after we talked. I’m not too sure it’s going to help. I’ll keep on trying.
‘Just so you know, I know how you feel. I probably know how you feel more than you think I do. I have waked in fear for a long time. Remember… I am learning to let it go. I will however celebrate even if you don’t feel like it. I will encourage you when you don’t see it. I will try lifting those spirits when they need lifting. And I will Believe for you so some day you will believe it too. You have done your part, now God will do His. I will keep on pushing you through. Even if I have to help you celebrate. Do not lose the joy of today for fear of the future.’
“Thanks, Deb. I will be okay. Just have to get thru these next couple of months.”
When a person goes through chemo and radiation, you think when it’s over, there should be a big celebration. And there should be. You see it all the time on TV. When a person rings the bell, everyone is clapping and cheering. Yes, it is a good thing to be done. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that. When Laura was done with chemo, we all celebrated. All the girls at work wore their favorite cancer shirt. We had cookies, got our Sonic drinks, we laughed, smiled, and had fun. Laura wasn’t as cheery as everyone else. I watched her as she played along. I was still waiting to see that moment where she would celebrate. She never did. I could see something else.
I questioned her, on how she was really feeling. Sure, she was happy to be done with chemo. But she wasn’t to the point of letting cancer go. She wanted to. She wanted to more than anything. She couldn’t do it just yet. She couldn’t because she feared it. Cancer still had a hold.
Right now, she is not ready to celebrate. She is waiting for her… For sure.
The moment chemo ended we all celebrated.
The moment chemo ended…
Laura started thinking… The what-ifs.
Laura did have a celebration of a different kind.
Later that evening, Laura sent me a text saying, “Guess what?”
‘What?’ She answered that with a simple message… “Austin is with me.”
‘AHHHH!!! Did he talk to you?’
“Yes! And David. Both of us before we left.”
‘How’d you take it? You knew this was coming. I got tears.’
“Good! Excited for her.”
‘What a moment imprinted in your heart. Good feeling deep inside when you know he truly loves her.’
“Yes! He does.”
‘Another long road with a happy ending. Is Rachel in the car too?’
“Nope, she doesn’t know.”
‘Makes me so happy! I know where she has been, same as Brandi and look at them now.’
“I know. Ok you made the tears come. LOL. You are good at that.”
‘Nah! We are just getting paid back double. Double for our pain and hurt. Life is good. Huh?’
“Yes, Life is good.”