Chapter 16

  Before I tell this next story, I want to talk about how I have been feeling.  In the previous chapter I talked about being there for people.  Help the friends in your life through their difficult times.  Take the time to be present.  You never know if someone is in the ‘dark place.’  They may need someone to reach out their  hand and pull them out.  It’s worth it, I wrote.  And it is!  I’m not going to lie and tell you all of this was easy, because it was not.  Sometimes it was hard. 

  I also want to make clear… These were my own personal feelings as her friend.  I can only write about what I have experienced.  So when I say I was tired, I am only speaking for myself.  I know I’m not as strong as others and I know I am not the only one she depended on.  Laura has always been supported by so many family and friends. 

What I am trying to say is… This is what happened to me during this time of my life.  Should a person feel this way?  I don’t know.  I’m just being honest with you. This was how I felt.      

  What I’m about to write takes me back to a time I don’t like to think about.  It was a time that almost took me back to the dark place.  It was also a time that left a big impact on my life.  As much as I don’t like to think about it, it is also a time that ended with something I hope I never forget. 

Be patient with me as this is a long story.  It picks up from the last chapter.  But first… Let me set down a little of the foundation. 

  When I first wrote this book, most of the stories I wrote about were brief.  They didn’t explain what led up to them.  When I first wrote this, it was supposed to be for my family and Laura’s.  They already knew the gist of the story.  It wasn’t until later when Laura wanted this book to have a bigger purpose.  She wanted it to help others. 

  When I decided to make this blog, I started looking over these chapters.  I realized I needed to write more details so you could understand.  Each week I sit down at my computer and try to explain what is taking place.  Let me tell you… I get frustrated.  I get frustrated for a couple of reasons.  I didn’t realize how hard writing a book would be and I can’t believe how long I sit at this computer.  There are days when I start writing early in the morning and before you know it the day is gone.  I think most of my problem is… I struggle with the words I want to say.  I re-read some of the stuff I have written and to me it sounds stupid.  I would talk it over with my family.  I would tell them… This is hard.  Sometimes I want to give up.  In my frustrations, I would tell them, ‘I am not some kind of a professional writer.  I don’t know how people can write so easily.’  That’s when Clint would say, “You don’t have to be like all these other writers.  You just need to tell the story the way you would say it.  You are just telling a story, that’s it.”  So… I guess that is what I will do.  I will write it in my words the best way I can.  I will do my best to explain to you what was going on throughout this journey.  Sometimes it was about Laura, sometimes it was about me.  This was a time that was about me.  A time that almost broke me.

  I can’t begin to tell you how tired I was.  I had so many things going on in my life.  One of the things was Laura. 

I never would have imagined I would be in this position where a friend of mine would become so dependent on me.  Remember… I didn’t let people in.  I had stopped letting people get close to me a long time ago.  So to have someone now share so much of their deepest feelings… Sometimes it was overwhelming. 

  I want to add here, there was a lot of stuff I didn’t write about.  So the only way to get you up to speed, on why I was feeling the way I was, is to tell you a little more of the background stuff. 

  There were many face to face conversations I had with Laura.  There were also a few middle of the night phone calls too.  I didn’t write about these conversations because I just don’t remember everything that was said.  What I can tell you is how they would happen. 

  Sometimes, in the middle of the night, Laura would call instead of text.  I would get up from my bed and go into the living room so I wouldn’t wake Clint.  I would sit in his chair and we would talk for however long it would take.  After I would hang up the phone, I would sit like I do every other time.  I would ask myself… ‘Is there anything else I could have said?’   

  At this point in the story, I feel like I have exhausted every word I could think of to say.  There were times I felt like I kept repeating myself.  There were also times, I was starting to doubt my own words.  At this point in the story, I also had my own stuff going on.  I shared a little bit of it but there was other stuff I will just keep to myself.    

  Now let’s jump to Laura’s middle of the night conversation.  It got to me that night.  It left me with a feeling I had never had before.  What if she didn’t make it?   

I don’t know why it hit me so hard.  Maybe because I felt I’m not going to be able to pull her out of this one.  I wondered if I could pull myself out of it. 

What if she doesn’t make it?  That thought kept going through my mind.  I felt defeated.  I felt like I had let my friend down.  I was always telling her everything was going to be alright.  All she had to do was Believe.  Heck, we thought this whole cancer thing would have been over by now.    

I felt like my words of encouragement were nothing but wasted words.  Like they didn’t get us anywhere.  Here she is, still fighting cancer. 

So when I say in this next chapter, I was tired… I was more than tired.  I was beat. 

  By adding this little prelude, I am trying to help you understand there was more stuff I was feeling.  It seems like when a person is feeling down or depressed, they evaluate everything in their life and compound it into one big disappointment.  We know we shouldn’t focus on all the negatives.  But somehow, when a handful of things go wrong, that is exactly what we do.  I guess that is human nature.

  I will admit it, there were times throughout this journey that I wanted my own life back.  I did.  I’m not going to lie.  I felt like life would be easier if I just had my own family to worry about.  I wouldn’t have to worry every time my phone went off. 

I remember late at night, hearing my phone go off, then taking a deep breath and closing my eyes before I would ever look.  There were times I just wanted to keep my eyes closed and sleep.    

  There were other things that happened that would justify my negative feelings.  Like the times Clint and I would go on weekend trips.  Sure, I checked in with her many times, but there were also times when she would consistently text me.  I was starting to figure some of this out.  Most of these texts would be on Sunday afternoon.  I would receive them on our drive home.  It was idle chit-chat on things like… How was your trip?  Did you have fun? When will you be home?  Within minutes of arriving home, she would send a text saying, “Why don’t you come get me. I want to go get a drink.”  That type of message and the timing of it usually meant I need someone to talk to.  Clint and I would be outside unloading the camper when this text would come thru.  I would stop what I was doing and read it to him.  He would say, “Go. See what’s wrong.  I will finish up here.”

Yes, I will admit it, there were times I wanted my life back.  But I did not want it back by the result of her dying.      

  I called Laura when I got to these two chapters.  I asked her first, if she wanted her middle of the night conversation in.  “All of it” is what she told me.  “How else is it going to help someone else?”  I asked her next,  ‘Do I have to put my part in? I really don’t want to write about this.’ 

“Please Deb, write about it.  I understand it was hard.  This is what happened to both of us.  Please, tell the story.”

I don’t know why I agreed to this.  Sometimes I wish I never promised to write this book. 

Laura…. She was okay with putting her feelings and emotions out there.  Me… I would much rather stay private.  It’s like opening yourself up and letting the whole world in.  Oh boy!  For me, that’s hard to do.   

  I may not have included everything I was feeling.  Most of the time during these last two chapters… I felt numb.  My vacation didn’t start off like I wanted it to.  There was something called ‘cancer’ that was beating me up. 

As Laura would describe it… This was my moment.  I was tired.  I felt defeated.  I felt cancer was winning.  I still wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.  I was glad to be here for my friend.           

  We stopped a roadside park to rest and have some lunch.  I had been quiet most of the drive.  I spent most of the time staring out the window.  My mind was someplace else.

  The exit off the highway led to a very long and winding road.  It’s funny the things you remember…  An entrance to a park.  After we pulled in and parked the truck,  Clint reached over and placed his hand on mine.  He looked at me and said,  “You look tired and sad.  I don’t want you to be.  I want you to be fun and happy.” 

As soon as he said that, a tear rolled down my face.  I let out a little laugh and said… ‘Well, that is exactly how I feel.  Tired and sad.’ 

  Have you ever been so sad that your tears pool up in your eyes and only one or two manage to fall?  It seemed like my tears were falling in slow motion.  For several moments, I couldn’t even see at all.

  We sat there for a minute.  I explained to him what was going on.  I said, ‘Right now my life is running me instead of me running my life.’ 

The wedding was over.  Things have slowed down.  Now everything was catching up with me.  I looked at him and said, ‘With everything that is going on in my life, now my Dad is not doing well.  Brandi has moved away.  I miss her.  It feels weird leaving Chase at home.  I feel bad for going on this trip and I really don’t want to go.’  

I shared Laura’s conversation.  I told him how it keeps replaying over in my mind.  Laura had been doing SO good for quite some time now.  I thought we are at the end of this long hard road.  I felt the old Laura would be back soon.  Healthy and strong.  Life would be good again. 

  I couldn’t get that middle of the night conversation out of my head.  She was scared and couldn’t stop crying.   She was thinking things like… What if she didn’t make it?  What would happen to those around her?  What if the cancer… ??  Yeah…

I could tell these thoughts were getting to her.  It made me think about the ‘what-if’s’ too.  What if she doesn’t make it?  What if she gives up hope? 

But then again… How could she feel this way?  Chemo was almost over.  This journey was about to end.  I didn’t understand why she was feeling this way.  Did she know something I didn’t?  And how could someone who has given back so much, ever question if they were the person God wanted them to be?  

  That night was rough on me.  I told her to never talk that way again.  This isn’t the person I know.  I didn’t understand what was going through her mind.  As far as we knew, she was almost done with chemo.  She could finally put all of this behind her.  She would be healthy again.  Life would go back to normal.  She could return to doing all the things she loved.  We would NEVER have to talk about cancer again. 

  Chemo may fix your body from cancer, but I have learned… Cancer will never leave your mind.  There will always be a fear that you will carry with you.  It will be with you every day of your life.  It’s like cancer becomes a hyphen at the end of your last name.  You try to forget about it, but you can’t. 

Cancer changes you.  It changes the people around you. 

It invades your life so fast, before you know it, a part of your soul is taken away.  You don’t feel as safe as you once were.  Life doesn’t feel the same.

  I knew Laura was scared.  She has been scared before.  But this time was different.  This time she scared me.

   We sat in the truck for several more minutes.  Clint knows me well enough that I needed some time.  He wanted me to be happy and enjoy our trip.  Instead, I sat there crying.  He could see the toll cancer was taking on me.  The load I had been carrying had become too much.  I could see it in his eyes how badly he wanted to fix this for me.  This one couldn’t be fixed. 

He gently reached over and wiped away my tears.  He quietly whispered, “You’re going to be alright.” 

 At that moment I didn’t know if I would be.  I was just so sad.

  There we were, still sitting in the truck.  Neither one of us saying a word.  He gave me all the time I needed.  He also didn’t leave me alone.  I knew I had to get myself together.  We had friends waiting for us up on the hill.  I’m sure they were wondering what was going on.  I would imagine they were starting to worry.  Clint and I have always been the leaders of the group.  We are also considered the fun ones.  I’m sure they thought something serious must have happened.  Why else would we be sitting here so long?   

  Clint asked me, ‘Are you alright?’

I knew it was time to get my shit together.  I wiped my face and gathered my thoughts.  I opened the door and said, ‘Let’s go.’   We got out the truck to head up the hill.  Clint walked over to me and grabbed my hand.  I shook my head and smiled at him.  ‘Yeah, I’m alright.’  

  God… I don’t know what I would do without him.  He is the one always there for me. 

  I’m going to say this again…

Cancer affects more than just the person.  It affects the family, the friends and sometimes… It can even affect the friend’s spouses. 

Clint… I’m sorry to put you through this.  This is not how I wanted our vacation to be.      

  We topped the hill to join up with our friends.  It was obvious they could tell I had been crying.  I knew they were worried something serious was wrong.  So, I opened up and told them.  They listened quietly with care and concern.  They could hear that sadness pour from my heart.  They didn’t know what to say.  What can you?  Cancer is a scary word.  Especially when you talk about dying.

  We changed the subject and finished our lunch.  It was time to get back on the road.  While walking back to the truck we stopped for a minute so the guys to talk.  I looked down at the ground between my feet.  Seriously??   Wouldn’t you know it!  There was a white feather. 

  Laura texted me that night wanting to know how our first day was going.  I told her about my conversation with Clint.  That’s the thing about our friendship, it’s honest and open.  Well as honest as I want to get.  I don’t always tell her everything.  I take that back.  Yes, I do.  I usually end up telling her when I feel the time is right.   

  We made a deal with each other a long time ago.  Let me clarify that… Laura made me make the deal.  She said, if something is bothering one of us, we have to spill-it, especially if the other one has caught on.  I didn’t share everything with Laura on how I had been feeling.  I didn’t want her to know.  I decided it was best to tell her only ‘parts’ of what was bothering me.   By saying, ‘I don’t like all these changes going on.’

“Hang in there.  It’s hard to see your Dad go downhill.  Enjoy your time with him.  Enjoy your trip.  Relax and have fun. You’re going to be alright. I know you don’t like change, but change can be good.  My life has changed a lot this year.  Be happy!  Life is good.  I promise.” 

 I didn’t want to tell her the whole story.  Right now, she doesn’t need to know.  Anyways, she is back to being her positive self.  She’s back to being happy.  I answered her with, ‘I’m just tired. I didn’t sleep much.  Life is moving too fast.  Don’t worry about me, I will be fine.’

Laura wouldn’t let it go.  She must have sensed something else was wrong… “You can get thru this.  I am.  I will help you through.  Please don’t leave me.  Dig deep Deb.  Clint needs you and you need him.  You two are a great team.  You have to be there for Clint and Chase, Brandi and me.”

‘Honestly Laura, I’ll be alright.  I shouldn’t even be complaining.’  “Look for the good, Deb.  Be happy and please enjoy your trip.”

  Laura was afraid if I got ‘down’ I wouldn’t be there for her.  She knew when things bothered me, I would get quiet.  She didn’t like that.  It would almost send her into a panic state.      Those were the times she would say… “Please don’t leave me.”

I didn’t understand why she would say something like this.  I felt I just needed some time.  I asked Clint one time, ‘Why is she so dependent on me?  Why is she afraid I’m going to leave her?’  He said, “You know why.  She needs to hear what only you can say.” 

  As time has passed, I’m starting to see it.  If I’m not ‘good’, how can I help her.  I asked her one time… ‘Why can’t I just be quiet?’  Her answer… “What if I need you?” 

  I remember sitting in the office talking with Luisa.  I was busy and didn’t answer her texts.  She thought I was being quiet.  Text after text alarm was going off on my phone. “What’s wrong?  Why are you quiet?  Why won’t you talk to me?”  I laughed and tossed my phone across the desk.  I told Luisa, ‘Would you tell Laura, I’m busy.  When I tell her that, she thinks I’m lying.’  We both laughed, even Luisa knew Laura didn’t like me being quiet.

  I eventually told Laura the real reason on why I was down.  I told her how her conversation had affected me.  She even knew how tired I was of cancer.  She was tired of it too.  I didn’t have to tell her that one… She has brought up many times.  “I bet you  want your own life back.  I’m sorry you have to go through this.  Thank you for always being here for me.”

 Laura knew this road was hard.  She knew she had bad days.  She also knew she could tell me anything and I would be honest with her.  Yes, we were very honest and open.  She didn’t like it when I got quiet and told me so.  And I would tell her when she was talking stupid.  We never got mad at each other for having honest feelings.  We only got mad at cancer. 

  We spent the night in a nice little campground off the highway.   Our A. I. S. time for the next morning was to be nine o’clock.  If you are wondering what A. I. S. means… That’s a term we use while traveling.  It means ASS IN SEAT.  I hate A. I. S. time, for the mere fact that I am NEVER on time.  Maybe its an older person thing, they always have to know dates and times.  I am on vacation people…  I want to TAKE my time.

  We sat outside and visited with our friends for a while.  We cooked dinner, cleaned up, then went for a walk.  After we planned our next day’s trip, we each went off to our own  campers to get ready for bed.  

I still had so much on my mind. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to sleep.  I was already preparing myself for a long sleepless night.   Somehow, I fell asleep faster than I expected.  Probably because I was so tired.  I slept through the entire night without waking, not even for a minute.  I didn’t even know it had been raining all night. 

  Clint woke me up early.  We had a major problem.  There was a large puddle of water inside of our camper.  We couldn’t see anything on our ceiling, so couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.  Clint and our friend, Larry, spent over an hour looking both inside and outside of our camper.  They couldn’t seem to find the cause of the leak.  After a while of searching, Clint decided to take a water hose up on the roof.  He started spraying water directly to certain areas above.  From what they could tell, it appears the water was leaking in from a broken vent.  Clint came in to tell me.  He knew I was already upset.  We are one day into our vacation and we already have a problem.  Sometimes I feel like problems like to chase us down.  I just wanted to go home.  The mental state of my being just couldn’t take any more. 

  Clint told me what they had found.  He said they could patch it up with some caulk and tape.  The inside of the camper will just need some time to dry and the vent should be good until we can get a new one.  After it was fixed, he came in and sat down in front of me.  He had the most serious look on his face. “Please, let’s go on with our trip.  If things don’t get better, I promise we will turn around and go back home.”  He knew how beat up I was.  He asked me again… “Please.”  With tears in my eyes, I agreed to travel on.

  Laura texted later that evening.  I asked her how she was doing?  “I still can’t figure out why I am so tired.  David and I went to dinner last night, which was good.  As soon as I got home, I was asleep on the couch.  I slept till 9:45 today.  Got myself ready then fell asleep back on the couch.  Finally, this afternoon, I was able to do a few things. I am worried about tomorrow because I have the kids.  I don’t know if I can do it or not.  I have slept a lot these last few days.” 

I told her about our camper and how Clint begged me to continue with our trip.  “I’m glad your camper is okay.  Sorry you have a mess.  I’m glad you decided to go on with your trip.  Do it and be happy.  Do it for you and Clint. I need you to do this.  Sometimes you just have to breathe and do it. It will be fun. I promise.”

 ‘I know.  I’m just kind of tired.  I read something today, it said… ‘Instead of going thru it, grow thru it.’  I just want the easy path for a while.  You too, huh?  I really don’t want to go back to that depression.  I remember the Doctor telling me… It happens when too many things out of your control happen all at once.  I guess it will always be in the back of my mind.  I am working on it!  I am trying to push through!  Sometimes, it just sucks!!  Btw… I asked Clint… Exactly what are we doing on this trip?  He said, “Do you want me to tell you or surprise you?”  I said, just surprise me.  Shoot, I have no clue what we’re doing.  Tomorrow we’re supposed to go to some state park.’   

Next destination stop… Starved Rock State Park, Utica, Illinois.

  I felt bad for talking about me, so I sent Laura an early Monday morning text.  ‘How are you feeling?’  “I am ok.  I have the kids today until six but brought them to school.  I needed some help.  Now I wish I could throw up.”

  Laura took the grandkids to daycare.  She thought while she was there, she would work a few hours.  She realized not long after she got there, that she wasn’t going to make it.   She needed some help so she could go home.

Here is what she journaled at the end of her day…

  “I am home.  Feeling okay.  Luisa and my mom helped me.  I needed it.  Haven’t said that, ever!  Don’t know why, but today I needed help.  Took Caleb to school to play with his friends, then Elizabeth and I left to go to Grandma’s.  Mom helped me with Elizabeth.  Mom decided to go with me to pick Caleb up and take the kids home.  Grandma Lois and Caleb had fun playing in his room and playing ball.  Caleb loved it.  Jared surprised us and came home early.  I took Mom home, then home to rest.  Still feeling very tired.  So glad to have help today.”

  Laura didn’t understand what was going on.  All she has done for the last six days is sleep.  She called the doctor’s office and told them how she felt.  They sent her out a prescription for a z-pak.  I asked her, ‘Is this the worst you have felt this round?  You asked for help.  So, you must have felt bad.’ 

“I would say yes.  Debbie, I slept so much since Wednesday.  I am so glad I had help today.”  

  Clint and I spent our day exploring the state park.  I was feeling better but remained quiet.  Clint knew once we were out doing the things we loved, my mood would hopefully change.   We spent the day walking on trails and looking at waterfalls.  And wouldn’t you know it… I almost stepped on another white feather. 

  When lunch time came around, we decided to eat at the park’s lodge.  The view from the window overlooked a cliff with the river down below.  The atmosphere was just like you would imagine, rustic, warm and cozy.  While waiting for our food, I couldn’t help but notice the pictures on the walls.  Every single one of them was of a red cardinal.  You got to be kidding me!!  I made sure to point it out to Clint.  We finished our lunch and decided to look around.  Our friends wanted to stop by the gift shop before we left.  The gift shop was located a short distance down the hall.  Even walls that lined this pathway, was decorated with pictures of cardinals.  We found the gift shop and walked inside. The salesclerk immediately greeted us.  She asked us where we were from and told us to be sure to check out their wine.  Clint and I walked over and picked up a bottle.  Sure enough, it was labeled with a cardinal.  How can you not smile?

When we left the building, I walked over to the sign out front.  I wanted to see what the name of this lodge was.  I figured it had to have the word cardinal somewhere in its name.

‘Starved Rock Lodge & Conference Center’  Weird.  No mention of a cardinal at all. 

  We’re walking back to the truck.  We stop on a walkway bridge to look at an overlook.  The trees had an opening where you could see the river.  In the tree in front of us, as bright as can be…  A red cardinal.    

  I will take it as my Angels were watching over me.

We have Angels in heaven, and we have Angels on earth. 

I, myself, can name a few. 

There must have been a message I needed to hear today.  When we returned to our camper, I went inside and turned on the TV.  A preacher was on.  He was talking about protecting your heart. ‘Keep doing the right thing and be around people who lift you up.  That is where you will find your blessings.’

I thought about his message, the cardinals, and the feather.  I have so many people who care about me.  They just want me to be happy. 

I want me to be happy too.    

  It was chemo day again. 

My gut told me Laura’s counts wouldn’t be high enough to receive chemo.  But then again… She always seems to surprise me.  Just as I suspected, counts were too low, 1.1 and .4! 

I questioned her on the .4 by asking her if that was something new.  That seemed like a very low number.  I wasn’t sure what she was referring to.  That number was exactly what I thought it was.  It was her Neutrophil count. 

  Education time/per internet… Neutrophils are a type of white blood cell.  Most of the white blood cells in our bodies that lead the immune systems response are Neutrophils.  These particular cells make up 55-70 percent of our white blood cells.  Neutrophils are so important as they are our defense system against most infections.

 (Can you tell we are getting more educated in all these medical terms?  Now we are using the proper names.  Before too long, one of us is going to become a doctor. HA!)

  I’m going to go ahead and add this little tidbit… Laura’s text to me said her counts were 1.1 and .4.  When I looked at Laura’s journal, she posted it as… 1.6 and .6.  Who knows what it really was?  Either way, they were too low.

And if they are that low, there is no way she was going to receive chemo.  Just like we have talked about before… 

When Laura’s counts are low, for some reason that is when her body feels really good.  She is happy and energetic.  She really  should go home and rest like the doctor wanted, but that’s not what Laura is going to do.  If she was feeling good, well she was going to take advantage of just that…‘Feeling good’.  No chemo today resulted in lunch and a day full of shopping. 

Here was her text… “ No chemo today.  1.1 and .4. Counts too low.  Dr. said no.  .4 was my neurl phil count. (Yeah, that’s how she wrote it.)  It’s really low so we are shopping!” 

She sent me several pictures of clothing she had purchased for the grandkids.  “Boy, did we shop!  Amanda and I are awesome shoppers.   We shopped clearance racks and end of the season sales.  You wouldn’t believe how much money we saved.”  Laura was so happy.  She had such a fun time. They even went back the next day to shop another store. 

Yeah… Maybe she should have gone home.  I am sure that’s what the Doctor would have expected.  But Laura didn’t have very many days like this.  You can guarantee she was going to make the best of it.  She was going to live life to the fullest! 

No matter what the cost.     

  We spent the morning at The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  We both thought of Stacey when I sent Laura a picture of Michael Jackson’s glove.  I was doing better than I was when we left.  But I still couldn’t get that middle of the night conversation out of my mind.  When we were done there, we drove on to our next destination.  KOA campground, Sandusky, Ohio. 

  That afternoon we were going to take a Jet boat ride out of Sandusky to South Bass Island.  There we would find a little village called Put-In-Bay.  Clint and I have been here before.  We thought it would be fun to take our friends. 

 This island is located in the middle of Lake Erie.  The main source of transportation is by golf cart.  Put-In-Bay is a fun little place full of restaurants, gift shops and cute Victorian houses.  It is definitely one of those fun touristy towns. 

  Everyone in our group was excited to rent a golf cart and head off to explore.  Everyone that is, except me.  I was still in a funk.  I was feeling down and depressed.  I still couldn’t get these thoughts out of my mind.  It wasn’t just about Laura.  Now it was everything.  Maybe I had too much time to think.  My mind was flooded with everything that was going wrong.  I had tried to shake this feeling, but I JUST COULDN’T do it. 

Sure, I wanted to have fun.  I wanted to laugh and smile.  I knew everyone wanted that from me too.  Instead, I was quiet.  I didn’t visit with everyone like I would normally do.  I remember staring off into…  nowhere. I wasn’t looking at a thing.  I was  wishing I knew what to do.   

  We had been touring the island for a while now.  Laura had texted me to see what we were doing.  I told her where we were and how neat of a place this was.  We visited a few minutes and then of course, she had to ask how I was feeling.  “Are you having fun?” I answered her, ‘Sure.’   She rattled off multiple texts in a row. “I met with the nurse practitioner.  She said I was looking good.  We talked about the tumor marker count.  I have a CAT scan scheduled for two weeks from Tuesday. Before I go to the Doctor on Wed.  Just take it easy.  She seemed concerned that I hit a low last weekend.  I missed the beginning of ‘Meredith’ today (that was a television show Laura enjoyed watching).  But this woman had cancer.  Breast cancer.  She wrote a book.  Still has cancer and will always.”  See what I mean when I said she rattled off texts.  I managed to get one more text in.  ‘So, are you going to take it easy?’  “Her book is called, ‘Naked Jane Bares All.’  It’s about finding joy and enjoying every day of your life.  It sounds like a good book……….”

 I remember seeing this lady on another talk show.  She talked about some of the same things Laura has talked about.  Her experiences were the same.  This was another book Laura wanted to get.  Another one she felt she could relate to.   

  When Laura slowed her roll there on her texts, I was able to send off another one of mine.  ‘Get the book.’ 

“I will get the book.  I’m worried about you.”  She went right back into her ramble about her day.  I just now counted how many texts she sent in this short amount of time.  She sent 10 texts to my 2 or 3. 

  In the middle of Laura’s conversation.  And notice… I called it Laura’s conversation.  I was quiet and not saying anything.

Laura said something to me that I will never forget.  I still think about it today.  I had asked her what else she had been doing and this is what she said.  “I’ve been resting this afternoon.  Finding Joy!  I couldn’t ask for a better life.  Please enjoy your vacation.” 

  We stopped at a marketplace and everyone had gone inside to get a snack and cold drink.  I stayed in the golf cart staring at my phone.  I couldn’t help but re-read what Laura had just wrote.  As I read… It was if I could hear Laura’s voice and how she would say it.  I didn’t respond back for several minutes.  My eyes were too full of tears.   Laura texted me again, “I’m worrying about you.”  I told her, ‘You worry about you.  I’m fine. I promise. I’m surrounded by gift shops and beachy restaurants.  See… I’m okay.’  I sent her some pictures and promised I would have a good time.  Her response was… “I’m still going to worry.”

  I didn’t tell Laura what her words meant to me that day.  How they made me feel.  I didn’t tell her for several months.  That Christmas I gave her a journal that I had been writing in.  I was answering the question she had turned around on me.  ‘What are you supposed to learn from this?’ 

  Written on the front of the journal in big bold letters are the words… FAITH, HOPE & LOVE.  When I saw it in the bookstore, it prompted me to answer our question about this journey.  And… How could I resist?  It had the words written on the cover on what started it all.  From a simple necklace to hold onto when you’re feeling afraid, to a journal answering the bold question we so often asked each other.  What are you supposed to learn from this?

  FAITH, HOPE & LOVE… It’s what this journey was all about. 

 In my journal I wrote about this day.  It read…

‘I cannot tell you what I felt in that moment.  I had been pretty upset and down for several days.  I had no reason to be. 

You… With everything you have been through and all the setbacks, couldn’t ask for a better life.  Amazing.  Completely, totally Amazing!’ 

 Laura had countless days of feeling sick.  Chemo injected into her body almost weekly, and so many bumps in her road, one would lose track.  To imagine her receiving good news was something rare and far between. 

So, to hear her say… “I couldn’t ask for a better life.”

Well, that just blew me away.   I had no words.

I journaled…

  ‘And you want to know if you were the kind of person God wanted you to be.  You don’t even need to question that.  I thought about your words for several days.  I still think about them now.  And yes, you do have quite a great life.  Wow!  And you know what?  So do I.  That week I didn’t have the words for you to make you feel better.  I didn’t know what to say to ease your mind.  Instead, it was your words that eased mine.’

  Laura has this way of finding the good in all the bad.  Something I admire and need to learn.  I hold those words of hers deep in my heart.  I pray to God, I never let them go.  Laura was put in my life to be that example.  To help show me how to find joy in the midst of our trials. 

That’s what I hope you find in your own lives by reading this.  You see… Laura really did have a purpose.  It is meant to touch my life and yours.

 Thank you for being a light that will shine in my darkest days.

“Finding Joy!  I couldn’t ask for a better life.”