Chapter 15

Wednesday, August 5^th, 2015

  No chemo day message today.  It was not needed.

‘I bet you’re glad you’re not going to receive any more ‘short stories’ from me.’  I laughed when I wrote this.  It seems like my chemo day messages were now turning into short novels, instead of a quick simple text.

‘I can’t believe you are almost halfway done.  I hope your counts are good.  Let me know how it goes.  Btw… Who’s going with you today?’  

Laura was adjusting well to this set of chemo, so I felt there was no reason to send her a pep talk. 

“Counts are good,” she said.  “This is round 3.  Going to have some tests done after this round.  Then they will determine if I need more chemo.  Amanda is with me.  Look how cute Elizabeth is.”  Laura sent a picture along with her text.

  At this appointment she saw the Doctor.  He examined her, checked her weight, then asked her some questions.  He wanted to know how she had been feeling.  Laura told him about her stomach and how it was always upset.  He suggested she come back in on Friday, to receive some fluids.  He thought maybe this would help.  He ordered a blood draw for a tumor marker test then had the nurse schedule a CT scan.  The Doctor said he wanted to see exactly how things looked. 

  According to my internet research… A tumor marker is a substance found in your blood, urine, or body tissue.  The term “tumor markers” may refer to proteins that are made by both healthy cells and cancer cells in the body. It may also refer to mutations, changes, or patterns in a tumor’s DNA.  Doctors may use tumor marker tests to learn if you have cancer.  These tests can also help doctors to learn more about your cancer and help to plan treatment. 

This information was obtained from Cancer.net. 

   Laura told me earlier, that her counts were up.  I found out later, they were at 2.1.  I asked her, “Up from what?  That seems pretty low.’  The last two times Laura’s counts were right at 1.9.  The Doctor had been consulting with the pharmacists, and they both agreed she could receive some chemo. 

  ‘Good grief, Laura!  I should have guessed it.  When you are feeling good, your counts are always low.  That doesn’t make any sense to me.  You would think it would be the other way around. Not with you!  You feel like crap… Your counts are good.  You’re feeling great… Counts are always low.  Who would have ever thought that?’  

It didn’t matter to Laura what her counts were.  She was happy to receive chemo.  She wanted more than anything to be able to put this cancer journey behind her.

  Laura couldn’t bring herself to get her hopes up just yet.  She knew with her history of setbacks this could still take a while.

  She didn’t talk much the rest of the day.   When I did hear from her, I thought she seemed a little off.  My suspicions were right.  Something else must be going on.

 I didn’t send her a pep talk that morning.  Like I said before, there are times she seems to be doing alright.  I should have known better.  The last time I didn’t send her one, I got a late-night text.  It’s weird.  Just from my experiences with her, the days I don’t send her a little word of encouragement, it seems like she has a rough rest of the day.  Dang it!  I should have gone ahead and sent one.  I bet anything I will get a late-night text.   

  Sure enough,  11:07 p.m. that text came through.

“I can’t sleep.  I’ve been crying for about an hour.  Too much today.  Scared about the tests and I shouldn’t be.  I am worried about my brother- in-law.  I need him to fight hard.  I don’t want to fight cancer by myself.  This is rough on him, but I know he can do it.  I have been through some rough times.  I keep thinking of all the people who have it worse than me.  I feel for them.  My heart aches for them.  I want to be done.  I am  scared.”

‘So, what happened today?  Is it the test you are worried about?   Or was something else said?’  “Nothing was said.  I guess it just shocked me.  I thought these tests would be much later.  They took some blood.  It was for the cancer markers.  It got me thinking.  You know there’s always going to be the what-ifs.  I don’t like to think that way.  My emotions are all over the place and I don’t know why.  I miss my Dad.” 

I continued to ask her questions.  ‘Is there some news about your brother-in-law?  Is something wrong?  Is he getting depressed?’  She said, “He is getting chemo and radiation together.  He has two more weeks to go.  Radiation has been very hard on him.  They had to stop it last week and start it again this week.   Today he was in bed all day, before and after his treatment.  He is wiped out.” 

‘Laura… Think about what has helped you.  How you feel and what has pushed you through.  Share this with him.  Let him know this is temporary.  Share your story.  Sometimes sharing what you have been through helps others feel like they are not alone.’  Laura said she had been sharing with him.  She sent him some texts on what she has experienced.  She wanted him to fight, to stay strong.  She wanted more than anything for him to be alright.

  ‘I know you are scared.  I would be too.  Maybe your Faith is being tested.  Are you really going to let that fail now?  Pass the test Laura!  Think with your heart, not your head.  Let that spirit of yours shine through.  You have joy in your heart.  People can see it.  God put it there for a reason.’ 

Laura answered, “I guess I’m just having a moment.  I know I will be okay.  I have to be strong for everyone.  At times, I don’t feel it.  I guess this is one of those times.  I knew there would always be more tests.  Between you and me, they always make me nervous.  I stay strong for the family and everyone else.  It’s hard, but I do it.  I know deep down God’s got this.  He will take care of me.  It’s just my human side talking.” 

‘Laura, this story of yours will help others.  Share your deeper side with your brother-in-law.  Tell him it’s okay to be scared. You have been.  Tell him you have to Believe.  YOU, have to Believe too.’

“I have my days, and this is one of them.  Sometimes I think what if I don’t make it.  What will happen with my girls and the kids, my family, my friends, and you?  It’s silly to think this way.  Life has a way of changing things and putting it into perspective.  I know I shouldn’t think this way.  But I do.  Have I done or been the person God wants me to be?”

  This was the perfect time to share the story about the woman with cancer.  The one I just wrote about, who gave her thoughts on if she would die.  I shared this story with all of you.  I just didn’t share it with Laura.  I didn’t want Laura to think about things like this.  I didn’t want Laura to think about dying.  To tell you the truth, I didn’t want to talk about it either.  That memory from a few months ago has always stuck in my mind.   

The time is right.  Now, she needs to hear it…

  This woman had posted a picture of herself on her blog.  It’s crazy how it reminded me of Laura. The two of them were around the same age.  They even looked alike.  Both had short  dark hair.  Her kids were grown like Laura’s.  Some were married, some were not.  Her daughters were about the same age as Amanda and Rachel.  And… Just like Laura’s family, they appeared to be very close. 

  This woman made a list on all the reasons she could give herself the ‘okay’ to die.  I shared these thoughts with Laura. 

‘Her kids were all grown.  Most of them living on their own.  They were independent.  They wouldn’t need her like they did when they were young.  She didn’t have any grandchildren yet, so they wouldn’t miss her.  Her husband had many years left.  He could find love again, and that would be okay.  She didn’t want him to live alone.  She even made the comment… “Maybe he could find someone that could give him all the things that I never could.”  Everything seemed to make sense for this to be the perfect time to let it all go and die.  But then she said to herself… I don’t want to die.  I want to be here!  I want to see my kids get married, each one of them.  I want to meet and hold my grandbabies.  I want more than anything, to love on them and watch them grow.  I want to be here in the moment and love every minute of it.  I want to share life with the ones I love and love the ones in my life.  So, I’m not ready to die… I choose to live!’

 I said, ‘Laura, that’s what you have chosen too.   You chose to live.  You don’t have time to think bad thoughts.  You have made this choice just like this woman did.  Those are the words God wants to hear from you.  And just so you know… You have most definitely been the person God wants you to be.  God wants you to Love.  That’s it!  Do you love?  Do you care about people?  You have told me so many times, how He sees your heart.  And one more thing… Stop talking like this!  You are not going anywhere.  You keep telling me you have work to do.  Well… Then you have work to do. Do it!’

“I know, Deb.  I choose to live.  I have so much to live for and so thankful to be given a second chance.  I need to make the best of it.  It’s just a hard day.  Sorry to unload.  At least it was early.   Midnight is better than 3, 4 or 5 A.M.  I will be okay, just having one of my moments.  I will and can beat this!  It won’t take me down.  Get some sleep.  I will try and pass up the 4:47 morning text this time.  LOL.” 

I reminded her by saying… ‘Hey! You’re going to be alright.  Believe it!  Because I do.  Text me if you need to.  We’ll talk later.  Goodnight.’

“I know.  Just my moment.  I will be okay.  Thank you for always being there for me, listening to me, and having the right things to say.” 

  To her it was just a moment.  How she does it?  I don’t know.  Her strength is something to be admired.  She falls down time after time, but she always gets back up again.  She is changing my life by the way she is living hers.  The thing is… She doesn’t even know it.

Imagine all the other people that have been impacted by the way she exemplifies determination and faith.  This journey that I am on with her… Wow!  It’s turned our work friendship into something more.  What an incredible journey this has been. 

  Friends should be more open with each other.  Help each other in life.  Take the time to be there.  I promise you… It is worth it! 

I have a wonderful friendship with Laura.  She has entrusted me with some of her deepest feelings, and oh my gosh, some of her greatest fears.  What an honor it is to be that kind of friend.

I Love you Laura.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing so much of your life… with me… with others… and with  the world. 

 Before I closed my eyes, one more text came through.  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  Oh wait… It is tomorrow!  LOL.”  And just like that another rough day is done.  She wrestles with the thoughts that go through her mind, puts them to rest by giving them to God.  Then quietly and peacefully goes to sleep.

  Friday afternoon, I met Laura at the Doctor’s office.  I was going to sit with her while she received fluids.  They claim this should help her with the feeling of nausea.  Guess we will soon find out. 

  I realize Laura spends most of her free time in that doctor’s office.  Here is an example of our visit…

 After arriving, she checks in.  Yes, she must go through the entire procedure of checking in every time.  You would think she could just skip this part.  Shoot!  She has been here so much; you would think they would have a computer set up just for her!  They check her weight like they always do, then lead us to the infusion chair.  Laura pops a mint in her mouth because it’s time to flush her port.  You can guarantee Laura is going to make a nasty face, followed by, “This taste is so disgusting.”  One of the main reasons why Laura has the mints.  Next, they hook her up to the IV.  I sit in my chair and watch the bag slowly drip.  I realize this is going to take a while.  We laugh, we talk, we joke, we sit.  Before we know it, the bag is empty.  We wait for the nurse to unhook the small tube connected to her chest.  I look at the clock… Three hours of her day is now gone.

That doesn’t include drive time to and from the hospital.  These kinds of days must be exhausting!  I was tired and I’m not even sick.     

  Laura wanted to drop by my house on the way home.  She asked me if I would give her a haircut.  Her hair was growing out and SHE claimed, some places in the back were uneven.  She was correct!  I would tease her by saying, ‘The reason why that part of your hair is longer than the rest, is because you are always pulling on it.  Stop pulling on it!’  Laura has a habit of pulling on the hair behind her ear.  I don’t know if it’s a nervous habit, or if she just likes the feeling of her hair getting long.  Who knows?  The fact is… It doesn’t really matter.  It was nice to see hair on her head. 

 With scissors in hand, I evened it up.  I gave her a nice little trim.  Clint handed her a mirror and asked her what she thought.  “It looks great!  It’s nice to have ‘somewhat’ of a hairstyle again. Thank you so much!  It feels good.  It’s my first haircut! (Insert Laura’s laugh here.)  The next thing on my list is to color it!  I have to get rid of all this grey.”    The Doctor wouldn’t allow her to dye it just yet, he wanted her to wait until chemo was done.  This didn’t seem to bother Laura.  She was just happy to have hair! 

  Clint and I were leaving the following morning to go on a two-week vacation.  Our destination was to be Niagara Falls.  I’m going to fess up and say… I wasn’t too excited to go on this trip.

  This would be our first vacation since Clint retired, and the first one without our kids.  It may sound silly that we would have grown kids that still went on vacations with us.  But the truth is, they never missed a trip.

 We are a very close family.  We like to hang out together and have fun.  Plus, the fact that some of places we vacation to… We have seen some pretty awesome stuff.  When we go on our yearly vacation, we usually take two- weeks.  We have been to National Parks, beaches, Indian ruins, and mountain tops.  We have hiked trails and taken backroads to see things that most people don’t ever see.  Like I said, it’s pretty awesome.  It will be different not to have our kids along.

  Brandi got married and moved away. (And if you think that made a difference… It didn’t.  She went on vacation with us the following year.)  Chase had a job and couldn’t get off work. (He too, went with us that following year.  They both claimed they didn’t like missing out on this one.  They weren’t going to miss vacation again.)  

  It was just going to be the two of us.  That didn’t include the dog.  Oh, we wouldn’t be completely alone.  We have friends and family who vacation with us every year.  There are two other couples besides us, who have campers.  Whether it be weekend getaways or yearly vacations, you will almost always find us together.  It’s nice to have friends we enjoy spending time with.  But to me… And I’m sure Clint feels the same.  This trip was going to be different.  I am already feeling alone.      

  The night before we left, we went over to visit with my Dad.  He wasn’t doing well.  He was starting to show signs of early Dementia.  I wanted to check on him before we left.      

  My parents sold their house at the lake and moved back home so they could be closer to us kids.  After my mom died, my Dad moved in with my brother.  Clint and I would often go over and take him out to dinner.  He enjoyed getting out of the house and loved seeing how our town had changed.  He was always telling us stories about this building or that.

 At the time, we weren’t sure what was going on with him.  The Doctor said it could be the start of Dementia.  I did my research like I always would.  Some of his characteristics were the same.  The problem was… His were at the extreme.  He was saying things that didn’t make sense.  It was like he was talking out of his head.  The stuff he was saying… I don’t even know if you could make it up.  It was scary to see him this way.  I had read, that you should just listen.  They don’t always know what they are saying.  He would question me on some of the stuff he would say.  He got angry and felt confused.  I know he was trying to have a normal conversation.  He was trying hard to comprehend what was real or not.  His mind was going in some weird direction.  Seeing him like this was tough. 

  I went home that night probably more scared and confused than he was.  My heart was breaking once again.  So many changes were happening in my life.  I didn’t like any of them.  Nevertheless, we were leaving that next morning for vacation.  Whether I wanted to or not.

I am going to go ahead add this update… 

  The Doctor wasn’t sure what was going on with my Dad.  He never did get Dementia.  He prescribed him with some medication to ease the symptoms.  But like I said… It never progressed.  Maybe he had some kind of stroke, I don’t know.  He never acted like this again.  I wonder if it had to do with some health issues from his past. 

Several years back, he had another episode of confusion. He was rushed to the hospital and immediately into surgery.  He had a brain aneurysm.  One of the largest ones the Doctor has ever seen.  We were told, “He is lucky to be alive.’

  A few years after my mom’s heart surgery, he had an accident at home.  He fell and hit his head on the garage floor.  My mom was in the hospital at the time, so he was home alone.  He laid in a pool of blood on the concrete floor before the neighbor ever found him.  He laid there for over two-hours.   Another time, he is lucky to be alive.

 It was after this incident, when we made the decision to move our parents closer to home.  You see… My mom was in the hospital at the lake when my dad fell.  He had to be airlifted to a different hospital 2 hours away.  Trying to take care and be with them at the same time was difficult.  Not everyone has a mom in one hospital and a dad in another.  Who needed who the most?  This was a scary time in my life.  It was also a scary time in theirs. 

  I’m not sure if either one of these events had anything to do with my Dad’s strange behavior.  I am just glad he ended up being alright.       

  Saturday morning, we left for vacation.  Laura sent me a text.  She wanted to check in to see where we were at.  To tell you the truth, I didn’t know.  I hadn’t been paying attention.  I didn’t know what road we were on, where we were, or even what was going on around me.  My mind was too focused on everything else.  I gave her somewhat of an idea of where we were, then asked her how she was doing.

“Well, today sucks!  I feel like crap. No energy at all.  For some reason I have been feeling overly tired.  I got home last night and slept till 9.  I got up from the couch and went to bed.  Woke up this morning, ate a little cereal, then fell back asleep on the couch.  Slept until 1.  Got up and left the house.  My stomach has been a mess.” 

  Oh boy!  Well… This was not what I expected to hear.  She was feeling good right before we left.  I was hoping the fluids would have helped her.  Guess not.  But then again… Who knows??  She might have been worse off without it.