Chapter 14

  I always have a story to tell.  If a situation arises that I think you need to hear it, I will tell you.  Laura wanted me to share this story.

  Let’s go back to the time when my mom was having her heart surgery.  Something else happened that week that I will never forget.  I will briefly refresh your memory about this event… 

  My parents live at the Lake of the Ozarks, which is about a three-hour drive from here.  The hospital that my mom was staying at, was 45-minutes from their house.  As I have talked about earlier, Clint and I chose to stay at a hotel across the street. 

  It was the morning we were to arrive back at the hospital.  We were eager to find out if my mom was alright.  The Doctor had warned us the day before, that she had multiple blood clots in both of her lungs.  The last words he left us with were… She may not make it through the night.  What happened that morning is something I can’t explain.

  Our hotel was situated not far off the main road.  It was L-shaped, so the office was located at the hotel’s entrance.  We stopped in front of the office several times.  Whether it was to reserve our room, get a cup of coffee, or pay our bill.  That’s not counting the times we had to enter and exit onto the main road.  After we would return from the hospital, we would journey down the road to get a bite to eat.  The point I am trying to make is… We stopped in front of this office multiple times.

  On the property adjacent to the hotel, was the entrance to another building.  Between these two properties was a small piece of vacant land.  There, set a large billboard.  

For some reason this billboard caught my eye.  It displayed a very bright, blue, background with bold white letters that said… ‘WALK ON WATER Faith Church.’  Obviously, it was advertising a local church in the area.    

  Every time we had to enter or exit the hotel parking lot, I would look over at this billboard and say a prayer.  I had plenty of time to say my initial prayers.  When I first noticed it, Clint was parked outside the office door.  He had gone inside to reserve us a room.  We arrived after dark, so the spotlight on the billboard made the blue background stand out.  I couldn’t help but notice it and I liked what it said.  Something in my mind told me… Pray on it.  Send a prayer to God.

  We stayed at this hotel for a couple of nights.   So we passed this way, multiple times.  Like I had said earlier, if we weren’t coming and going from the hospital, we were usually leaving to find some place to eat.  Every single time we approached the entrance, my attention was drawn to that billboard in the sky.  I would guess I prayed on it about five or six times in the short time we were staying there. 

I don’t know why I prayed on this sign.  I haven’t got a clue.  But for some strange reason… I did.

  The hospital has strict visiting hours, especially for the Intensive Care Unit.  The morning after the Doctor gave us that warning… We were up early, anxious to see her.  We couldn’t go in until 8.  This allowed us time to get some breakfast.  

  We stopped once again by the hotel office.  Clint went inside to return our keys.  While he was busy, I look over at my billboard.  I stare at it and say another prayer.  He got back in the truck and we drove away.  We drove approximately two blocks down the street.  There we found a small restaurant where we could get a quick bite to eat.  It was a weekday, so the restaurant was empty.  The waitress took our order as soon as we sat down.  We knew we didn’t have much time, and neither one of us wanted a big meal.  We decided to share a small cinnamon roll.  We had a coffee and some juice.  To be honest… I didn’t feel like eating anything, I just wanted to hurry up and leave.

  We finished and paid our bill, then quickly left.  I’m going to remind you here… We were just a couple of blocks away.  We reach the entrance to the hospital parking lot.  I look over to my billboard so I could say one more prayer.  Instead, I blurt out… ‘Where’s my sign?  It’s changed!  Clint, do you see that?  It’s changed!!’  Clint had no idea what I was talking about.  As I was turning around in my seat, I tried to explain.  In a panicked voice I said, ‘That billboard next to the hotel, the one that says ‘Walk on Water’… I’ve been saying a prayer on it every time we leave the hotel.  You know what billboard I am talking about don’t you?  It’s changed!’  And… I didn’t want it to.

I asked him how long we have been gone.  I said, ‘How long did it take us from the time we left the hotel, eat, and then arrive back here at the hospital?  Clint, how long do you think we were gone?’  He said maybe 15-20 minutes tops. 

  We pull into the hospital parking lot.  We walk quietly to the door.  We didn’t talk anymore about the billboard.  I was too worried about my mom.  We reach her room and like I said earlier, she is sitting up with a big smile on her face.  She was fine and going to be fine.  She had made it through the night.

  Late that afternoon, we had to leave.  We had to go home to check on the kids.  We’re leaving the hospital parking lot.  I am once again sitting up in my seat.  My face is glued to the window.  I ask Clint if he could stop for a minute at the exit.  I wanted to take a good long look at my billboard.  I was hoping to see what I’ve been praying on.  It wasn’t there.  It had most definitely changed. 

I didn’t understand it.  What happened to it?  It was now advertising something different.  ‘CHASE CONDOMINUMS… A Luxury Place to Stay.’

  We arrived home, visited with the kids for a while, then soon we were off to bed.  I reach over to my bedside table and pick up my daily devotional.  I figured I would catch up on the last few days I have missed.  I open the book to read where I had left off.  The page I open to was titled ‘Walk on the Water.’  It gave me chills as I read it.  How could this possibly be?  The message was about keeping your faith.  ‘Have Faith as if you could Walk on Water.’  I couldn’t believe what I had just read!  It was the same title as my sign.  Of course, I had to search for the deeper meaning of my message.

  I made a phone call the next day to a friend of ours.  He used to be employed by a company that changed billboards.  I didn’t tell him anything about my story.  I just asked him a couple of questions.  I wanted to know how long it would take to change a billboard.  I told him it was a large billboard, standard size.  I made sure he knew this wasn’t one of those fancy signs, the ones you see that automatically change.  What he told me next…  Surprised me.

  He said… It takes 45 minutes to set up after you arrive.  In that time frame you are stabilizing the truck by making sure all the jacks are down correctly and even.  Next, you gather up all the supplies you need and load them into the bucket.  Now you can hoist the bucket into the air to reach the billboard.  Once you are at the level of the sign, it will take another hour to hour and a half to change it.  After that is completed… Your time is spent cleaning up and dismantling the truck. 

  I couldn’t believe what he had just told me.  I couldn’t believe how much time it would take.  That is when I told him my story.  I said this billboard was at the Lake of the Ozarks.  I wondered how long it would take since the sign was on a hill.  He said if it was on a hill, that would take much longer setting up.  He assumed what I was talking about, was on flat ground.

  Let’s go back to the beginning of my story… We were gone 15-20 minutes total from the time we had left the hotel.  How is it possible my billboard has changed?  No trucks, no ladders, not a single worker around!  No more big, bright, blue, billboard telling me to have Faith to Walk on Water.  How do you explain this?  I don’t know.  Maybe it happened, maybe it didn’t.  I can only tell you what I saw.

  I believe it to be bigger than this.  This was something between me and God.  This was His way of getting my attention.  His way of speaking to my heart.  He wanted to let me know everything was going to be alright.  All I had to do was trust Him and have the faith.  What better way to get me to do that than to give me a sign.  A HUGE sign at that! 

Have Faith as if you were Walking on Water.  He backed that message up when I read it the next day. 

  The funny part of this story is, that it didn’t stop here.  When we got home that night, I found out my son, Chase, had been to the school nurse.  He had been in to see her several times while we were gone.  The nurse was a friend of mine, I knew her well.  She told me… Nothing was wrong with him.  He just needed his Mom.

In case you haven’t caught on to see the other message…  God changed the sign to “CHASE’ Condominiums!  Wow!

  Laura and I would get into deep conversations like this, which made me bring up another story…

  For a long time now, I have been fond of a certain song sung by Josh Turner.  It has become ‘My song.’  It seems like whenever I am down or really worried about something, this song would come on the radio.  There’s no need to share the name of the song, because if you were to listen to it, you wouldn’t fully understand why I would cling to it so much.  To the average person it sends out a different message.  It has become “My song’ because of WHEN it shows up in my life.   There’s a verse in it that speaks to me.  It makes me feel at ease. “There’s victory in the Lord I say. Victory in the Lord.  Cling to the Father and his holy name.” 

  When I hear this song, I take it as God’s way of letting me know everything will be okay.  It is the one message God can give me that is bigger than all the other so-called signs.  I take this song seriously.  It has shown up in my life and played at times when I desperately needed God’s help.  The outcome from hearing it has always been the same… I hear you!  Everything will be alright.     

  This is a song you don’t hear on the radio.  It’s an older song, they don’t play it anymore.  I looked it up one time, to see when it first came out.  It was released in early 2003. 

Somehow, someway,  I always manage to hear it when I need it the most.  This is another thing I don’t quite understand how it happens.  But it happens every time.   

  For a few days now, I have been obsessively worrying.  I sent Laura a text telling her what was going on.   

I am a very conscientious person.  I want to do good and make the right decisions in life.  I want to be the person God wants me to be.  Sometimes I think it would be easier not to care.  I take too many things internally. 

I listen to people as they talk.  I’m always trying to figure them out.  I watch the news.  It’s depressing.  So many people are so focused on themselves.  This is the kind of stuff I talk with Clint and Laura about.  They understand exactly how I feel. 

  I had been talking with Laura about some changes going on in my life.  And if you know me, I don’t like change.  It seemed like too many changes were happening all at once.  This is what happened to me a few years ago.  That is why it scares me.

I have a constant fear of going back to that depression.  I believe this will always be a fear of mine.  Too many changes were going on in my life when it happened.  I don’t ever want to go back there again.    

  I mentioned to Laura about how I couldn’t sleep.  I said… ‘I almost woke Clint up last night.  I needed one of his… “It’s going to be alright” speeches.  I didn’t wake him, instead I talked to God.  I asked Him… Please let me know everything will be alright.’  I was worried about so many things.   

  I have a radio on my alarm clock.  I like to wake up to music instead of a blaring alarm.  Every morning at six o’clock my alarm goes off.  Most of the time when it goes off, it’s playing a commercial or a news report.  This morning it was playing a song.  Playing perfectly from the beginning of the very first note… Was my song.  Instantly a smile came upon my face.    

I had been wrestling with sleep off and on all night.  I couldn’t get this worried feeling off my mind.  I wake up to hear my song playing on the radio, letting me know everything is going to be alright.’

  I asked Laura if she gets tired of hearing my stories.  She said, “No, never!  They help me.  I like hearing them.”  She reassured me things will be alright.  She told me the words I always tell her. “You know God will always be with you.  He knows your heart.  He’s got you.” 

‘I guess so,’ I said.  ‘Thanks.’  I changed the subject and started talking about school.  She sent me one more text.  “I will always be here to talk to.  You have been there so much for me.  Don’t ever hesitate to call.  You hear me?  You will not go back to your dark place.  I won’t let you.” 

  Anytime Laura talked about being depressed, she referred to it as ‘The dark place’.  She continued with her text… “We will not give up.  We will fight thru all this life stuff.  You hear me?  We are going to be happy and live our lives the way God wants us to live it.  We will not go back to the dark place.  We can do this!  I am saying WE because I won’t go down that road either.  You have kept me from that.”

   As I am sitting here writing this chapter, I am beginning to understand why I went thru my depression.  Why… I felt like God had left me. 

  At first, I thought I had to go thru it.  How else would I be able to help Laura and others?  Sometimes you can look back and see all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.  It makes sense on why certain people are placed in your life.  Their life experiences help those through the things they don’t understand. 

Maybe that is the reason… I don’t know.  Maybe it’s another… Or both.

  I have always been a person who views life differently.  I am always looking for the meaning or some kind of sign.  I used to get messages I felt were from God.  Things like songs on the radio and feelings in my heart.  During my four months of depression, my thoughts were too internalized.  I couldn’t see or feel God in my life.  It wasn’t until Clint opened the door, reached in, and pulled me out, that I was able to see all the things I had been missing.

 God’s messages are all around us.  We have to be the ones to open our hearts and minds to see.  God never left me when I was depressed.  I wasn’t focused on Him.  I was too focused on me.

  I wrote this last little message yesterday.  Meaning… Four years after I first wrote this chapter.  Today, I was reminded of a word of inspiration that I read online recently.  There was a line in it that stood out to me…

‘We tend to not pay much attention to the things we can’t see with the natural eye, but we can learn to see more with the eye of faith.’…….Joyce Meyer

  Laura had it in her mind that she was going to live a new life.  She referred to herself as… This is a ‘new me’.  She wanted to slow down and be happy.  She didn’t care for petty things or drama.  She wanted to be surrounded by good things and love.   Laura said to me… “Life is too short.  You have to live life to the fullest.  Have fun and be happy.  My purpose on being here is to live like this.  I have been blessed with a second chance.  I want to be caring, friendly and understanding.  I want to be there for people.  I care so much about the job I do, the people I work with, and all the children that we take care of.  I am going to relax and take everything that comes my way.  I don’t need any negative in my life to bring me down.  I just want to be Laura… A survivor. That’s it!”

Laura knew life was precious and it can be gone just like that.  She was set out to live her life the best way she could.   

  I have been sitting here re-reading some of the things she has written.  You begin to understand how she feels.  You look at your own life and the people around you.  You think… Every one of us should be living life like this.  I answered her back after a moment of silence.  I said the only thing that I could think of to say… ‘Well isn’t that nice!  How do you top that?  Now I feel bad about my life.  Oh boy!’  Laura laughed with her typical “LOL” then just like that she goes off in some weird direction. 

“What fun shorts do you have?”  What??  Where did that come from?  How can she go from something so serious to this?

  I am a 55-year-old woman (Okay, 55 when I first wrote this).  In the summertime I like to wear fun shorts.  It’s the only type I will wear.  In the wintertime I have fun shoes.  Somehow, I have made this my own goofy style.  I am thinking maybe I am getting too old for this.  I should think about possibly growing up.  Nah… What fun would that be?

  I answered her back… ‘Why?  Are you going to buy yourself some?’  She said, “Who knows!  May-be.”  Oh Lord, that will be the day!  Hahaha  I can’t EVEN imagine Laura wearing something fun!  She’s more of a blue, black, tan, or gray.  That will sure be something if she did.

  Laura opened the door to her serious conversation and even though she tried to change it, I wanted to continue. 

  I said… ‘I saw another quote the other day.  I want to share part of it with you.  It talked about how you must be yourself in the midst of whatever you may be going through.’ 

I tell her all the time I have to be ME no matter what.  I try not to let people or circumstances change who I am.  Let me tell you… Sometimes in life, that is hard to do.   

Laura told me this was something that I had taught her.  How to be yourself, have fun and be happy.  She felt this was her purpose, she had to share this with others.  “People need your happiness,” she said. 

  Laura wanted only positive things in her life.  She was bound and determined this was how she was going to live.  Most of our conversations are on subjects like this.  We have spent many hours talking about life.  I said to her, ‘You have to focus on the good and not the bad.  Find out what brings you joy and go after those things in life. Those are the things worth fighting for.’ 

  I told Laura about a little boy I saw that day at the grocery store.  I’m guessing he was two or three years old.  There was not a single hair upon his head.  He caught my attention when I walked by because he had a very noticeable scar.  The scar went from one side of his head to the other.  I looked at his mother, she was so young.  She had two more small children at her feet.  I thought about her as I continued my shopping.  How hard her life must be.

  I wondered about the emotional pain she must be going through.  She’s a young mom, she shouldn’t be going thru anything.  I wondered if he was sick, he looked so frail.  Of course, my first thought went to… cancer.

You feel a little broken hearted because you know how strong she has to be.  She has little ones watching, they’re depending on their mom.  I’m sure she never expected to grow up so fast.  You wonder if this is the first challenge in her life.

My guess would be….  It is.

   As I continued to shop, I reflected on my own life of being a young mom.  I had a baby that had problems soon after she was born.  Brandi was born with a dislocated hip.  She had to wear a brace for most of the first year of her life.  I remember while shopping, how strangers would stop and question me.  They would talk about how cute she was, then ask… ‘Did she fall out of the crib?’  They look at you as if you had done something wrong.  Your initial smile quickly becomes a confused look on your face.  Why would people even say something like this?  Why say anything at all.  

  I had empathy for this young woman.  I admired her strength.  She may not realize it now, just how strong she is, but someday she will look back and see.  She is just doing what she has to do.  What other choice does she have?       

  Our daily struggles are NOTHING!!  They don’t compare to what others are going through.  So many of us are feeling sorry for ourselves because life doesn’t go the way we want it.

Laura said she knew what I was talking about.  She understood completely.  She has always felt there are so many people worse off than she was.  She has told me this multiple, multiple times.  I think to myself… But you have cancer.  To me that is a horrible thing.  That’s not the way Laura thought. 

She was the one who believed her life was blessed.

  Laura had a story she wanted to share with me.  One she heard on the radio about a minister who had brain cancer.  According to Laura, his outlook was not good.   

 “All he wanted to do in life was to minister to others.  He wanted to give back as much as he could.”  Laura talked about how his story touched her heart.  How this story brought her to tears.  “He claims he is at peace.  His life is in God’s hands.  He is ready if it is His will.  All he asked for was prayers for his family.”  I answered back with a short text… ‘I have seen so many sad stories lately.  Sometimes they really get to me.’

Laura said… “Yes, it’s hard to hear these stories, but what I get from them is good.  I mean, I might be going thru a lot of stuff and feeling sorry for myself but then I hear a story.  I don’t have anything to worry about.  I pray for these people.  God has a way of putting things in front of you, to show us life is going to be okay.  It is all in what you make of it.  Sometimes I just need to stop and listen to what He is showing me and try not to be so quick to react.  I have a lot of work to do.” 

   I sat there like I always do, thinking about our conversation.  There are so many people like Laura, who are fighting cancer.   Some of these people are losing their battle.  I have often wondered what kind of thoughts would go through a person’s mind.

  It reminded me of something I read a few months earlier about a woman and her cancer fight.  In her blog she wrote about her thoughts on if she would die.

 She talked about her family, how their lives would move on.  They would eventually adjust to life without her.  ‘Honestly’, she said.  ‘I know each one of them will be alright.’  She talked about her husband.  He could find love again.  She would want that.  The thought of him living a life alone tore at her heart.  Her children would eventually have families of their own.  Their lives would be busy taking care of each other. 

  After she listed all the reasons that would okay this…

She thought of all the things she would miss.  Graduations, weddings, watching her children grow.  What kind of adults would they grow into be?  What about the grandbabies?  How many would she have?  If she wasn’t here… She would never know.  She wouldn’t know what it feels like to hold them, to kiss them.  Oh God, she would miss that love. 

It was in that very moment that she knew it was between two choices…  She could give up on all her treatments and die or she could choose to live. 

She chose to live.

  I thought about all these stories Laura and I talked about today.  I wonder how many of us going through our daily lives realize… There are people in this world that have to choose to live.  

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I am going to put in a little footnote…

  I don’t know why there are random spaces between some of my words on this blog.  We copy and paste it from my computer.  We have tried a couple of different formats but still this randomness shows up.  Please ignore the weird spaces. We will keep trying to figure this out.