Chapter 13

  Just like I have mentioned earlier, Laura kept losing my texts.  I thought I had explained this well enough.  You know… To plead my case.  Here is a prime example of what I have been talking about. 

  I had been scrolling through our old phones searching for material to write this book, when I came across these… Pay close attention here so you know I am NOT making this stuff up!

Here is a random text I received…

  July 6^th, 2015   6:48 PM

Laura speaking- “Well I only have your texts since July 3^rd.  I think Caleb hit something on my phone.  LOL.  You will need to send me the important ones.  Chemo days.”

It’s a good thing I know Laura and how she communicates.  How else would I know what the hell she is talking about??

I said… ‘Did you panic?’  Laura said “Yes! I am so upset.  That backs up my journal, you know.  I will have to text you because I am behind.”

My answer to her- ‘I have always thought the purpose of a journal is to write from your heart.  To write about your thoughts, your feelings, your emotions.  NOT MINE!’  Laura’s solemn answer. “Just send me them.”

I keep on scrolling and find this text dated a few days later.   Same story.  Different response…

July 9^th, 2015 7:56 PM

“It’s not my phone, it’s me!  I deleted your texts on accident.  I swiped your name and it deleted your texts.  So stupid of me.  I didn’t know that.  I had no idea that this was happening.  Can you resend our texts please?”

You got to be kidding me!  She lost them AGAIN??  I just sent them a couple of days ago.  This is how I answered her back… ‘Hahahahaha!  Seriously???  I just sent them.  What was the last date?  Or did you wipe me out completely?  I can’t believe you did this.  I can’t stop laughing!’

Laura- “All of it!  I only have from tonight.  LOL.”  I reply- ‘I’m still laughing!  Did you freak out again?  Laura- “Yes!  Ok you can stop laughing now.  Chemo brain.”  ‘Laura, you have to journal this!  I knew it was you all along! Hahaha  Do me a favor… Don’t erase them.  I’m not sending them a third time.’  She so ever seriously said… “Okay, I won’t.  The girls will get a good laugh out of this.  Caleb too!  Lol.” 

You did notice she tried to blame Caleb the first time around.

  As you can see, I was telling the truth!  Who knew my texts were so valuable??  Bigger picture…  I guess they were.  It’s been quite entertaining for the book!  For several weeks after that I would send random texts saying… ‘Erase any texts lately? Haha.’  Laura would answer back with a simple… “Nope.”  I guess I found more humor in this than Laura did.  Of course, I had to give her a hard time about it.  That’s just what I do.  And if there is anybody reading this that knows anything about Laura…  You know she would be hitting me with something if she could.

   I’m sure she felt like hitting something when she received the bills from her surgery.  I was almost scared to ask.  Surgery was $65,000.  That included a one-night stay in the luxury hotel they call our local hospital.  That did NOT include the surgeon’s part, which was $10,000.  WOW!  And in case I forgot to mention… The cost for each chemo treatment is $8000-$10,000.  That is for each time she goes.  Add on another $10,000 for each shot afterwards.  Well… It’s a good thing for insurance!   Now, think about all the blood draws, doctor visits and scans.  Oh boy! GOOD GRIEF!!  The stress of fighting cancer… No one thinks about.

   Oh wait… Add one more thing to the list.  The price of a new laptop computer.  During one of Laura’s coughing fits, the computer wasn’t doing what she wanted.  So, she hit it!  Yep, she broke that sucker.  It couldn’t be fixed.  I tease her all the time, not to hit anything.  She never says a word when I tell her this.  She just gives me… ‘That look.’

Now back to Laura’s progress…  

  She has been doing well.  I mean really, really, well.  She has been back to work daily, which she absolutely loves.  She seems to have more energy and most always has a smile.  Her hair is growing back, it’s almost an inch long.  Before chemo, Laura had straight, coal black hair.  This new hair growth was coming in curly AND a different color.  I asked her about it one day.  I informed her she had a lot of gray.  I don’t think she liked me telling her that.  I thought that’s what friends were for!  Several people have told her she looks GOOD with a little gray in her hair.  Those people also got… ‘That look!’

And by the way… I can understand it coming in gray, she is getting up there in age.  But CURLY??  How does that happen?

Chemo day message, July 15^th, 2015

  ‘It’s funny this chemo thing.  You don’t know whether to hate it or to love it.  Hate it for what it does TO you… But love it for what is does FOR you.  I guess that is an answer you will have to decide.  Any which way, it is healing you and protecting you.  One day soon, this will all be behind you.  You will look back and reflect on how life was, and how life is now.  It is then… When you will see all the good that was in all the bad.’

  Laura’s counts were low again, so she was only going to receive a small dose of chemo.  She had lost another pound and a half because eating just wasn’t her thing.  But that wasn’t going to discourage her.  It was starting to become something she expects.

  The Doctor told her he was seeing no signs of cancer.  This was from her latest scans.  This chemo seems to be working, so it has to make it feel worthwhile.  You would think Laura would be overflowing with joy, instead she was full of tears. 

  Laura asked the nurses about an older gentleman she had met earlier.  He too, had been receiving chemo treatments.  This man was weighing heavy on Laura’s mind.  She described him to me, as a quiet man and so very kind.  She enjoyed visiting with him and his wife.  Laura had been wondering how he was doing.  She hasn’t seen him in a while.  The nurse said he had been placed on hospice, but sadly yesterday he had died.  This tore thru Laura’s heart.  She cared a lot about this man and his wife. 

  She wondered about some other people she had met there.  The couple from California, and the lonely man that always slept.  She perked up and told me she saw Christine.  She said, she looked good.  She was doing well.  Laura was so happy to see her.  She is someone we will never forget.

  Later that night, Laura sat down to watch TV.  The ESPY Awards were on.  There were two recipients talking about having cancer and how their diagnosis had changed their lives.  She couldn’t stop crying when she texted me.  She had to tell me about their stories.  

  One of the speakers talked about their purpose.  They mentioned how each one of us should be finding our own.  Laura and I have talked about this in many of our conversations.  I have often posed that same question.  What are you to learn from this?  What is it that God wants you to do?

  I told her, ‘These people have crossed your path for a reason.  At least that is what I think.  Part of your job in life is to take what you learn from them, share what you can with others, and use what you can to change your own life.’  She told me, “I feel like this day was full of healing.  I can and will fight this until the end.  I know the cancer is gone.  But until all this chemo is done, and I have seen the last scan… I will still be uneasy.  I want the next scans to be good too.”

  I understood how Laura felt.  I would probably feel the same way.  What she said next, kind of ‘got to me.’ 

“I was saved and healed for a reason.  I have been through four different chemotherapies, radiation and two surgeries.  I am so lucky and blessed.”  She thanked me again for going through this with her.  Saying… “You need people around you during times like this.”  I didn’t know what to say.  This is just something that friends do.  I answered her back, ‘Glad to be here for you.  I too, am learning so much.’

  Laura has found the blessings in others.  Those are her words and not mine.  She values the people in her life differently now. “They have been through a lot too,” she said.  Cancer not only affects the person.  It affects the community that surrounds you.  Sure, today brought good news about her cancer… But it ended with tears for those who will be missed.  The lessons that cancer is teaching us, can fill a person with emotions you will never forget.  

It’s Wedding Day for Brandi and Dave.

  I told Laura a few weeks ago, I didn’t expect her to make the trip.  I knew how hard chemo was, and how the bad days always fell on the weekends.  I insisted that she stay home.  ‘I’ll have plenty of pictures to share with you, Laura.  It’s a long drive, stay home and rest.’  Laura said she wasn’t going to miss it, she assured me she would be okay.  I ended this conversation with… ‘Let’s just see how you feel, closer to the time.’  Laura agreed to that.   

  It was an outdoor wedding overlooking a lake.  There wasn’t a whole lot of shade to be found and what breeze there was blowing off the lake.  The temperature was registering a little above 100 degrees that day.  Let’s just say… It was very, VERY HOT! 

  I really didn’t expect Laura to come.  I sent her a text earlier, telling her it was going to be too hot.  That didn’t matter to Laura.  “I’m not going to miss this!  We will be leaving sometime before noon.”  I knew it was useless to argue with her.  I knew Laura well enough, that I wasn’t going to win.  “Anyways,” she said. “Amanda, Jared and I are going to make this a fun weekend for the kids.”

 It was a perfect wedding for Brandi and Dave.  It represented exactly who they are.  They love the outdoors and spending time at the lake.  This setting couldn’t have fit them more.  The wedding was beautiful.  There were so many guests.  They were surrounded by so much love.  Oh sure, it was hot like we expected, but nobody seemed to mind.  I love these kids and their love for each other.  They sure made this momma proud.    

  I worried about Laura sitting in the heat.  Actually, I was worried about everyone!  She told me, “I am fine. The wedding was beautiful. I am so glad we came.”

  The reception was held at the pavilion down the road.  We had golf carts ready to take those who didn’t want to walk.  I made sure Laura and the kids were one of the first ones to get a ride. 

The pavilion area is covered with shade trees.  It was cooler there but still pretty warm.  There was also an air-conditioned building for those who wanted to get in out of the heat.  I felt better knowing that Kathy and Laura were inside.  I checked on them when I could.  Laura was glad to see the Belfonte ice cream.  She laughed and said, “Looks like it’s a big hit!”  Yeah… We had so many full tubs of ice cream leftover… We had more than plenty for the reception.  If anyone is planning an outdoor summer wedding??  Let me just tell you… Having an ice cream sundae bar is a big, BIG hit!!!  

  I’m glad Laura was feeling okay.  I was worried about how she felt.  If she wasn’t and she lied to me… Well to this day, I will never know.  I knew there was no way, she was going to tell me. 

  The next morning, they went to Grant’s Farm.  Laura journaled how they had an awesome time.  She wrote about seeing all the animals and how Caleb enjoyed feeding them.  She even wrote about every single type of food they ate.  Who knew food was so entertaining?  She talked about the wedding, and Caleb’s cute room at the hotel.  “It was like a small closet with a dresser and twin bed.  It was decorated cute with a cardinal’s border and bedspread.”  That’s the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team, Laura!  I don’t think she cared about that part.  We all know Laura loves cardinals.  She ended her journal with an entry about home.  How she spent the evening watching the grandkids.  “I was exhausted. I went to bed early.  It was a good night’s sleep.”

Thank you, Laura, for coming to the wedding.  You don’t know what this means to me.  I am glad you were there to share this day with us.  This is what we have been praying for. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015.  Chemo Day.

  My chemo day message was a little different today.  This is what it said…

  ‘I woke up this morning, it’s chemo day again.  I said to myself… I got nothing.  No words of wisdom.  No advice.  No words of encouragement.  Nothing!  I don’t know if it’s because I am tired, or I feel you don’t need it.  I get on Facebook and the first thing I see is a post about a 5-year-old little boy.  One of our friends had been following his page.  (It’s a public page you often see, one of those that grabs ahold of your attention.)  The page was called ‘Prayers for B.’ 

  I have noticed this page for the past couple of days.  Today they were asking for prayers.  “We need prayers, right now.  Please stop and pray.”  So, I did.  I didn’t know this little boy or anything about him.  I don’t even think he lived around here.  It was just a public page with a bunch of followers.  A page asking for one thing… Prayers.

  This morning I find out this little boy had died.  My heart sank when I read it.  I went to his page to see what happened.  There… I saw a picture of a curly haired little boy and his momma.  From what I had read, he had an inoperable brain tumor.  There was nothing they could do.  The cover picture was of momma and her little boy, both with the biggest smiles.  There were several pictures of her just holding his hand. 

It made me think of our conversation yesterday.  How we ‘get it’ (how we understand).   You don’t need any special words of wisdom from me.  It’s already IN you.  You just need a smile and someone to hold your hand through life.  We all do!  Simple as that! 

We are actually the lucky ones, not too many people get to look at life through the eyes of their heart.’ 

  I went with Laura to chemo that day.  It changes me every time I visit.  I look at the faces of those receiving treatments.  I listen to the stories from those who want to share.  A small part of you feels bad for sitting there in a healthy body.  You feel bad for having a smile upon your face.  You get quiet and wonder what they are thinking.  Silently, you say a prayer. 

It’s a feeling to me, that is hard to describe.  All I can think of is… I am so blessed. 

The stillness of the moment overwhelms you.  You feel the smile leaving your face.  Before you know it, a nurse comes by.  Their cheerfulness snaps you out of this feeling. 

  These nurses… They are WONDERFUL.  Their job is so important.  I’ve watched how they talk and care for their patients, how they make everyone feel at ease. 

I’ve seen them bend down and listen, then quickly return with a warm blanket.  It’s not only the patients that they care about, many times they have offered me a snack or a drink.  They are always asking if you are comfortable.  They do this for their patients and more.  

I hope they know how much they are appreciated.  I would imagine that don’t hear that near enough.

 I wonder about the days when their job is too hard, the days the feelings hit deep.  We know not everyone they care for beats their cancer.  That’s the part of them no one sees.

These are the reasons why Laura wants them to feel special.  The reason, why she’s always bringing them treats.  These nurses are more than nurses.  These nurses are angels, God placed on earth.

 Thank you, to each and every one of you.   You are making a difference in so many lives.   I know you have with Laura and her family.  I know you have in mine. 

  Later in the evening, when I am all alone, I think about the day.  I see the faces that were full of fear.  I think about how quickly their lives have changed.  I close my eyes and say a prayer and try my best to fall asleep.  Every time I go with Laura, I have this feeling late at night. 

The tears once again are falling, my eyes fill up every time.  You would think this would get easier for me.  It doesn’t.  I can’t help but feel for these people. 

I wish life was better for them.  I wish we could find a cure.  I will keep on sending my prayers to God.  I ask that you to do the same. 

  I’ve gone with Laura for many more treatments after this.   The seriousness has been replaced with laughter.  It’s like we continue our conversations like we always would.  The fact that they were hooking her up to chemo didn’t really matter, we would talk right on through it.  You would think Laura didn’t have a care in the world.  She was always smiling and having fun.  I remember a time we were laughing a little too hard.  I could tell the people around us were listening.  Soon they would be laughing right along with us, then telling us funny stories of their own.  Before we knew it, chemo was over.  Wow!  Time sure went by fast. 

  You wouldn’t think this would be the proper place to laugh.  Laura changed that atmosphere with her visits.  She knew it was necessary, to ease the fears.  People need it!  It’s good medicine.  I don’t think we would do our visits any other way now.  You have to make the best of a bad situation.  It’s the only way we know how to make it through.  You make it through life with smiles and laughter.      

  I thought of something interesting.  I had to share this with Laura.

I said… ‘Brandi and Dave got married and live in St. Louis, home of the St. Louis Cardinals.  Rachel is dating Austin, who lives in Iowa.  One of their college sports teams is the Iowa State Cyclones.  Their mascot is Cy the Cardinal.  We have spent the last several months worrying and talking about our girls.  Think about all the prayers we have said, wanting them to be alright.  It’s funny how lately, when we are worried about something, a cardinal seems to appear.  I am thinking this is some kind of a sign.  Interesting, Huh?’  Laura said it gave her goosebumps.  It left us both with a good feeling.  

  The next day I am sitting on my porch.  I was so tired I fell asleep.  The sun felt good, it was easy to do. 

I don’t usually fall asleep on the porch.  Heck, I don’t even take naps!  Today for some reason, I was really tired.

I woke up to something making a scratching noise.  I open my eyes to see a beautiful red cardinal.  This little guy was walking back and forth on the wood railing of my porch.  He must have been six feet from me.  This is the kind of crazy stuff that happens to me.  This stuff happens all the time.