Chapter 11

Laura had an appointment with the Nurse Practitioner to receive education on the next set of treatments. There would be six sessions of chemotherapy. These treatments should end sometime in October or early November.
Laura has a long-standing relationship/friendship with this Nurse Practitioner. She was someone Laura trusted. Laura had a list of questions she wanted to ask. Her first and most important one was… “Is chemo the only option?” Her answer was yes. She did tell her these chemo treatments should be easier for her to tolerate. It shouldn’t make her feel so sick. Laura asked another question… “Is all the cancer gone?” The Nurse Practitioner never really gave her an answer. She said chemo would take care of the rest and additional testing would have to be done. Laura told her Dr. Be. wanted her to rest. The drainage from the tube was remaining high. Laura said activity must be affecting it. Since she has been resting, the output has been registering close to 20ml. They wouldn’t start chemo until after the drain tube was removed. To remove the drain tube, output would have to be under 30. Both were happy about this.
Laura left her office as she put it “Feeling okay.” She really didn’t have time to feel. So much has been going through her mind. Here are her thoughts from her journal…
“Everything has happened so fast. So close together since April. At this visit I was finally able to grasp what was going on with me. To ask questions and to understand. My mind seems clearer to do this.”
Reality was setting in. Chemo was about to start. Like it or not this was her only option. This is what had to be done. Life for Laura has been overwhelming. So much has happened in so little time.
Laura journaled the timeline of the past events. Dates she handed to me on a small piece of paper.
April 15th- Last chemo treatment.
April 20th- My Dad dies.
April 29th- Saw Valerie- felt lump in breast.
May 1st- MRI.
May 4th- Call from Dr. Be. explaining the tumor in breast grew but lymph nodes shrunk. Dr. R. called as well.
May 11th- Surgery.
May 16th- Results of Pathology.

After Laura’s appointment, she stopped by to see the nurses. She surprised them with a bucket full of candy and a tray of decorated cookies. Amanda used icing and candied flowers to make these ‘Nutter Butters’ look like summer flip flops. Laura was proud of how they turned out and the nurses thought they were so much fun. This was Laura’s way of giving back. Like I said… She is always thinking of others. Before she left the hospital that day, she had one more stop to make. Dr. Be.’s office staff got a batch of goodies too.
The last entry in Laura’s journal for the day…
“Today felt good to be me.”

Preschool was out for the summer. Laura was back working at the daycare a few days a week. I had been out running some errands when my phone rang. Laura asked me to stop by. We visited for a while in the office. We talked about work, the girls, and the grandkids. After a few minutes of idle chit-chat, Laura’s mood changed. She asked if we could go someplace other than the office to talk. She wanted to talk privately.
This wasn’t like Laura. I wondered what was wrong. Why couldn’t we talk in the office? Something serious must of happened. I got up and followed her into Church sanctuary. We sat down on a bench near the back. It was quiet there. It was also dark. Laura didn’t want the lights on. She didn’t want anyone to see her. She wanted to be left alone.
Laura had lots of questions. She had worry deep in her heart. She talked about the ‘what ifs’ and if they would come true. “What if the cancer comes back?” She said. “What if it never goes away? What if the feeling never returns in my arm? What if I never have full function of it again?” Fear was all over her. Her hands were trembling as she spoke. “How do I know if the cancer comes back? When all along I thought it was gone.” She touched her right side searching for something. She said, “How do I know when I don’t not know what to feel?” Laura was in a panic. You could hear it in her voice. For the past six months she thought the chemo was working. She thought it was doing what it was supposed to do. Laura was expecting this journey to be over. But it’s not. She had every right to feel afraid.
Kathy walked in. She saw us sitting in the dark. She could see the worried look on Laura’s face.
Laura asked me for answers. I had none. There was fear present, in her eyes. She continued with questions about this and about that. Then ended with… “What am I going to do?”
Immediately, my mind went to something I had read earlier that morning. I had been following a blog written by the mother of one of my daughter’s, college friends. This lady was going through chemo and radiation. She had breast cancer too. I have been following this blog for quite a while now. It seemed to help me understand what Laura was going through. All the emotions, the good days and the bad, this lady experienced in her life too.
That day in the sanctuary when I didn’t know what to say… God did. He gave me the words from this woman’s blog. I read these words on this VERY same day. I shared them with Laura.

At the time I didn’t know I was going to be writing a book. I was just trying to ease Laura’s fears. I don’t remember this woman’s name, the name of her blog, or the exact words she shared. I wish I could give her the credit she deserves. Her words were powerful. They spoke deep to Laura’s heart.
This lady had been talking with her friend. Her friend had also been thru breast cancer. This friend was helping her through emotions, and what to expect. The blogger wrote about… Worrying and how sick she was. She talked about how hard chemo is. She didn’t know how much more she could take. This was the advice the friend gave to her… About having to do chemo.

‘You don’t have to like it. You don’t have to like anything. What kind of crazy would you be if you liked this? The thing is… You value life and you have more life to live. So, you do this most awful treatment because God is not done with you. You have to see what is next.’
I read this to Laura as if it was what God wanted her to hear. I looked up from my phone to see her eyes filled with tears. I stared at her as she quietly shook her head. She knew what she needed to do. These words spoke to her heart.
God was there when Laura needed Him. I believe this was a message she needed to hear. Through the simple connection from a stranger’s blog… Faith returned to Laura’s heart.
Laura seemed okay now. Nothing more needed to be said. I left for home with questions of my own. My mind was going a million miles a minute. Did I say the right thing? What else could I have said? Oh, How I hate not knowing what to do.
I was up late that night thinking about our conversation. I was trying to figure all this out. I too, was wanting to know the answers. I too, was wanting to know… Why?
I have many sleepless nights with these kinds of thoughts going through my mind. I feel like if I can figure it out, then maybe I can help someone else. Maybe I can prevent the bad from happening. If I can’t, maybe I can justify to myself why it did.
The second part of this lady’s blog I didn’t read to Laura. It spoke more to me. Here is what it said…

‘Jesus is speaking… You are always trying to figure things out. Why he did that or why she said that. I did make you a curious one who has good incite as to why others do what they do. But trying to always figure out the whys in this world can drag you down. It’s also an attempt to control your world and I am in control. If there is something you don’t understand, ask me for wisdom and incite. If it doesn’t come right away, do not return to obsessing about it. If it is in your best interest to know, I will reveal it. Do not lose precious time spinning your wheels, when you could be enjoying a conversation with me as you rest in my Strength and Sovereignty. Trust in Me. I can and will take care of the whys in this world.’ James 1:5, Ps 3:5, 6.
God spoke to me too. He knew I needed to put my mind to rest. I am still trying to learn, that I don’t have to figure out all the whys. For now, I must learn to trust.

Laura was doing okay the days that followed our talk. Fear had left and joy was returning. She was working a few days a week. She enjoyed that so much. Daily life felt like it used to. Feeling normal felt great!

That weekend was a ‘Relay for Life’ cancer walk. It was being held next to our local hospital. Several members of Laura’s family had signed up to support her. They wanted to show her how much they care. I felt honored to be a part of it. Not only for Laura. But to support every person and family that cancer has affected.
There were many familiar faces. I even caught a glimpse of Christine. They had booths, sold t-shirts, even had an inflatable bounce house for the kids. They had such a wonderful turn-out. Even a couple of Rachel’s, friends, came to show their support. The night ended with a peaceful walk around the grounds. The sidewalk lit up with luminaires. Individual sacks personalized with hope and prayers. Names of loved ones who have been touched by cancer. Some who are fighting. Some whom we’ve lost. A beautiful reminder of this life we live in. Hope and love for what others are going through.
Laura gave me a ride home that night. We stopped by Sonic to get a shake. We sat there for a couple of hours just talking. We laughed and had fun. Maybe we needed that. Maybe I did. It was such a sobering day seeing so many families affected by cancer. Each one fighting a fight that I pray no one needs to fight. God please let us find a cure.

Laura sent me a text after she arrived home. She thanked me for coming. She told me how much it meant to her. She enjoyed our laughs and talking about the simple things. She said, “By the way… Gertie had 60ml in her tonight. Which sets a new record high. Total drainage for the day… 80ml.” Good ole ‘Pain in the ass Gertrude’. That’s what we call her when she does stuff like this!
You could say Laura did a lot of walking that day. Who knows? Maybe, just maybe, it was mixed with a little sweat. It was a pretty hot day! We will go with that.

I have been writing this book based on Laura’s journal, what I could remember, and the text messages from our phones.
At the beginning, Laura asked me not to erase any of these messages. I would ask her why? She said it was because if she needed to re-read anything, I would have them. She knew they would be backed up on my phone in case she lost them off of hers.
Laura is not very ‘smartphone savvy’. I could close my eyes right now and see her brutally tapping at her phone. She would do this when she lost something and couldn’t find it. Often claiming she was ‘DONE’ with this phone. Other times, she would let the kids play games on it. and somehow pictures and texts got deleted. Laura always blamed her phone as the problem and felt she needed a new one. I believe Laura is now on her third phone just since chemo began.
There was one time, some things, “accidentally” got erased. She texted me and asked if I had kept all her chemo day messages. I usually write these messages in the note section on my phone. I read them over before I ever send them. These chemo day messages take a lot of thought. They have become quite lengthy in size. Of course, I had them. She told me not to erase! She asked me to send them to her again. She needed them and informed me the timeframe of dates.
I asked her… ‘Why on earth do you want them? That’s silly.’ I guess I just didn’t understand.
She never answered my question on the why. She just asked me again…“Please send them.”
When the second round of treatment was set to begin, I told Laura to listen carefully to what I’m going to say. I said, ‘Laura, I’m going to erase all of these text messages. There is no reason to keep them. We can start with a clean slate. You need to do the same.’
As hesitant as I was, I deleted them. I kept the ones in my notes. I assumed Laura had done the same. Nope! Not the case!! It’s probably a good thing she didn’t. When we started talking about writing this book, I had a brief moment of panic. I knew I had erased the first set of messages. How was I going to remember what all took place? Laura told me not to worry. She laughed as she opened her side table drawer. She handed me her original phone. “It’s all on here. Every single one of them.” All along, I had thought she had done what I had asked. She never erased a single thing!
I took her phone home and began scrolling through it. It took me awhile, but I found the very first one. The messages ended on June 7, 2015. That’s seven months’ worth of text messages. I wondered where our conversation would pick up when I went looking for my old phone. I didn’t worry about at the time and started to write. I am so happy Laura didn’t erase them. There were so many dates and so much information. I am hoping now my phone is close to the moment where this one has left off.
My son did some research and set up a program on my computer. He was able to transfer over all these text messages. This program allowed me to scroll back to the beginning. My phone had a habit of kicking it back. This made is so much easier.
The messages on my phone began on June 24th. Which happened to be first chemo day of her second set of treatments. There was only a two-week span between where Laura’s phone ended and mine started. Can you believe that? That’s crazy!
The two-week period that I can’t account for… Laura’s journal carried me through.
I think the most unbelievable part of my son’s research was the other information this program shared. There was a year and a half worth of messages stored on this old phone. He informed me there was a total of 12,317 text messages between us. He said, “That averages out to 22 text messages a day. Good God Mom!”
‘I guess it’s a good thing,’ I told him. ‘Otherwise, we wouldn’t have a book!’

For the last couple of weeks Laura spent her time doing what she wanted. Lunch dates and playing the grandkids. She had returned to work full time and was enjoying every minute of it. Just when she tried to get back into a routine, her drainage would register high. Gertie just wouldn’t cooperate. Laura knew she had to get this drainage under control. If not, chemo would never begin.
The Doctor told her, SHE HAD TO REST!!! That meant no more work! Once again, Laura was frustrated.
Amanda came over one day to check on her. In Laura’s words… “She came over to see if I was sitting still.”
I laughed as I read her journal. It documented Laura frustrations well. Noted for several days in a row…
“Sitting here… Resting…. I rested a lot!… Still resting.” Followed by… “This is so hard to do. But I am doing it! Okay.”

It has been one month since surgery and the drain tube is still registering high. 60ml a day for the last several days. Resting didn’t seem to make a difference anymore. No one understood why.
Then the day had come. The drainage had dropped to 45ml. and stayed there for the entire day. Gertie must be getting worn out! The drainage stayed low for consecutive days. This is exactly what Laura was hoping for. This would give her the okay to go on a little weekend trip to Iowa.
It was going to be a girl’s weekend. Full of shopping, eating out and having fun. Everyone was having a great time! It was so relaxing and nice to get away. Laura talked about all the different kinds of food they ate. She laughed at their funny names. She had a birthday cake shake and a zombie burger. Everything she said, tasted so good.
Early in the morning Amanda’s husband, Jared, called. He was at home watching Caleb. Jared thought this would be a good time to start potty training. He gathered books from Caleb’s room and brought them into the bathroom. He placed Caleb on the toilet and began to read. Reading and waiting for him to go and then reading and waiting some more. As every mother knows, things don’t go as easy as you plan. It’s never that simple. After a few books with no results, Jared let Caleb get down to play. He figured with a few books to keep him occupied, Jared could take a quick shower. The problem was, he didn’t put Caleb’s diaper back on. He left him in nothing but a t-shirt. Jared got out of the shower and noticed poop was on Caleb’s behind. He looked over to see the trail of poop across the carpet and onto the hardwood floors.
When Jared called Amanda that morning, he didn’t tell her what was going on. He just asked, “Where’s the carpet cleaner?” Amanda answered him back, Oh no! What is wrong? Jared fessed up and told her how there was poop everywhere!!
Moms love it when Dads have this kind of fun! Jared had so much fun that day, he decided he would wait so Amanda could enjoy it too. He was done with potty training!!
The girls couldn’t help but laugh!