Chapter 10

“I look funny and kind of weird.” Laura described how she looked. I asked her if she was okay that first time. I knew it had to be hard. I’m sure she was nervous. Who wouldn’t be? I think it would be a scary thing to do. In my mind I figured Laura would be able to handle it. She is strong. Things that bother others, wouldn’t bother her. To be honest… We never talked about it. She never brought it up. I didn’t either. I don’t know why. Laura seemed okay having the mastectomy. It was the other stuff she couldn’t handle. It doesn’t matter to her how she looks. She isn’t defined by what’s on the outside. She is defined by what’s in her heart.
“I look like one of those kids who are underweight. The ones with their chest sort of caved in.” I told her ‘It probably does look that way since they had to take so many lymph nodes out. I’m sure over time when everything heals it will not look as bad. You know it’s going to look worse that first time you see it. I remember feeling that way with my first scar.’ I never asked her how she felt about it. It’s personal. This was something she brought up to me. I really didn’t know what to say. What can you? I told her the only thing that came to my mind… ‘It doesn’t change who you are. It doesn’t change your heart or the love you have for your family.’ I knew she would be alright in time. That is Laura. She has never been one to dwell on the negative. She ended our conversation by saying, “It is what it is. It’s okay. It’s just different.”
This was the only time we ever talked about her mastectomy. We never talked about it again.

Preschool was over for the year and things were quieting down. The limitations Laura had from surgery were becoming a thing of the past. Her strength was returning, and she was starting to feel better. Laura was able to some simple things like cook and lite cleaning around the house. Laura told me it was the small things that she was enjoying. Like shopping for lamps and planting flowers. Going out to lunch with David and to the store to pick up milk. Laura laughed and said it was so fun to feel normal. She was going to enjoy every minute that she could.
That afternoon her and David were left in charge to babysit. She told me they each took a turn to feed Elizabeth her bottles. “She took it very well then napped on my chest. I tried to move her, so she didn’t sleep very long. LoL. Now it’s time to eat again. Bottle 2 was a success.” Sure, Laura was sore and tired very easily. She didn’t care. Right now, Laura was living her best life.
Laura didn’t like to sit around. Since she was feeling better, she had to be constantly doing something. It seemed like the more she was up and moving, the more drainage collected from the tube. Laura still had one tube remaining. She was hoping at this visit it would be taken out. Her fingers were crossed, and she was off to her appointment.
The Doctor wanted the drainage to be below 30ml for two consecutive days before they would remove it. Laura’s drainage was ranging between 60-70ml. This became frustrating to Laura. She wanted her life back! LAURA DIDN’T WANT ANYMORE PROBLEMS!!
Some days the thought of all this became too much. Laura would tell me she was tired of going to Doctors. She was tired of taking medicine. Laura was tired of being told to rest! Lately, that’s all she has been told to do. For now, the drain tube stays in.
It had been a little over a month since Laura’s last chemo treatment. The life she had longed for was slowing coming back. The metal taste in her mouth was gone and food tasted good. Her appetite was returning and the fogginess in her brain was now clear. Life was starting to feel normal. Waking up and feeling good was the greatest feeling of all. Laura enjoyed every minute of it.
But… The thought of having more chemo tore at her heart. She planned on cancer being gone for good. Some days it was hard for her to understand. Life just didn’t seem fair. She wanted this to be over with. Laura didn’t want her family to suffer anymore. She told me putting the girls through this was hard on her. She didn’t want them to go through it again. When others were around, she would put on a ‘happy face’. She would pretend she was okay claiming she was strong. But late at night when she was all alone, that’s when the feelings would come out. My heart sank every time my phone would go off after 11.
What do you say to your friend now? We all just wanted her well. I understood she didn’t want to go through this. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want to do this again. I didn’t have the words to make this all better. Just because the Doctor said it’s preventive care, that doesn’t make it sound like it’s such a great plan. I told her to do it for the girls. Do it for David. Do it for your grandbabies. Do it for all the people who love you and want you here.

I went out of town for the weekend with my family. Laura was still very heavy on my mind. I checked in with her a couple of times making sure she was okay. I knew she was worried about what the Doctors were going to say. No matter what decision all these Doctors were going to make… It wasn’t going to be the answer Laura wanted to hear.
I chatted with her for a couple of more minutes. My attention was interrupted by some birds singing outside I look out my camper window to see a red Cardinal. I smile and know everything will be alright. That makes five red Cardinals that I have seen lately. I have gone for months without seeing a single one. It seems like when times get rough or I have trouble understanding, somehow a Cardinal shows up. It’s crazy to me how this keeps happening. I could understand this if I was at home. I would justify it as there must be a nest nearby.
It doesn’t matter if I am in town or not. There are times in my life when God sends me a sign. I will keep on believing it’s His way of letting me know my Angels are near.

Tuesday afternoon Laura met with her Doctor. He said since cancer was found in four of the seven lymph nodes, preventative chemotherapy treatment would be the action of choice. After consulting with the round table of Doctors, they were all in agreement that radiation in the chest area would not be an option. As Laura put it… “It was a big NO.” And since Laura’s cancer was Triple Negative, the best preventive care would be 6 more months of chemo.
He informed her the first week of treatment she would be given two chemo drugs. Each one taking thirty minutes to administer. Eight days later she would receive another treatment consisting of one chemo drug. After that dose she would have a week off and then the process would repeat again. They would try to get in as many treatments as they could in a six-month period. This would account for any treatments she couldn’t receive if her blood counts were considered too low.
Sure, Laura was hoping for radiation. She felt it was the easiest of the two. She understood the reason why it was declined. She had radiation in her chest area years ago. Laura wanted them to make the best decision for her. And she accepted their choice. But there was still a small part of her that hoped the Doctors would have approved it.
Dr. R. ordered a series of tests. If insurance approved, a PET scan. If not, a CT scan along with a bone scan. This would give them a date of a baseline on how things looked. Another long road for Laura was about to begin. She took a deep breath and sat back in her chair. Laura asked about her hair. Was she going to lose it? She also wanted to know how this chemo would make her feel. He told her with this type of chemo she may not lose any hair. He also said the side effects, she should be able to tolerate. Laura took another deep breath as he answered all her questions. The thoughts going thru her mind was she didn’t have a choice. There was only one option she had to take. Laura had to do chemo again. She wanted to live.

A short excerpt from Laura’s journal…
“Of course, more chemo is not what I want. I am okay with it. It just sucks to go through this again. After surgery, I thought I was done and ready to move on with my life. Maybe I have more to do with myself. I don’t know. I feel I have accepted this pretty well. It’s just so much to handle. The girls are doing okay. I know they wish this was over. So do I.”

These last few months Laura’s daughters have taken on a new role… Caregivers. Laura couldn’t be any prouder of them than she is today.
When a serious situation or illness happens in life, each person involved takes on a definite role. The relationship feeds and nourishes off what the person who is sick needs to survive.
Amanda is a nurse, so she became the primary. This was a natural instinct for her. Laura depended on Amanda in so many ways. Her knowledge and care provided Laura with a sense of peace and security. With Amanda, Laura felt safe. Amanda knew this kind of love and Laura needed that. It nourished more than just her heart. Amanda filled shoes that only her mother could fill. She has to know her mom is proud.
Rachel was Laura’s escape. The one she could talk about normal with. Things like work, school, and everyday life. Rachel could bring a smile into Laura’s day. She did this by providing her moments away from cancer. To feel ‘life’ like it used to be. Rachel understood what Laura didn’t want to say. This kind of love is connected at the heart. Each feeling what the other one feels in the silence of unspoken words. This love Laura needed as it was medicine to her soul. Rachel is her smile and her laugh. She can bring happiness to her darkest days.
Both girls have been there for Laura. Each one providing the perfect balance for both her mental and physical health. Each giving out the perfect love to help Laura throughout her day.
Laura loves these girls more than life itself. She is so proud of the women they have become.
Amanda and Rachel… You are the life in your mother’s fight. You are her courage and her determination. Without you, her life would have no meaning. Your momma loves you more than you will ever know. Don’t ever doubt that for one second. She is the proudest of the proud. You are the greatest joy in her heart!

Laura’s next appointment was with the surgeon. Dr. Be. examined her saying everything was healing well. The Doctor was pleased with how good she looked. While she was removing the strips of tape from the incisions (which Laura was nervous about). Laura explained how her arm was feeling numb. The Doctor said this can be normal. This was the side we took the most lymph nodes out. Next, she looked at the remaining drain tube. She asked Laura what the daily amounts were. She said the drainage was still too high. We need to leave it in for now. Laura was upset they couldn’t remove it. She asked the Doctor, “What am I doing wrong?” Dr. Be. told her not to worry. It would be removed before her first chemo treatment.
The Doctor released her to return to work. She told her, ‘Do what you feel like you can do. Just don’t overdo it. You have been through a lot. Listen to your body and rest when you need to. I would like to check you again next week.’
Before she left Dr. Be. told the time frames of her future appointments. She would like to see her every three months for the next three years. “Wow” Laura said.
“I’m going to be seeing more Doctors now than I have over my entire life.”

For the next several days the drainage remained high. Laura was collecting 70ml a day. Which was a lot! Laura couldn’t figure out… “Why??” If she was up and moving it was high. If she rested, it was still high. What difference did it make?
Laura called the Doctor. She was worried about how high it was. Dr. Be. thought activity was bringing it on. She wanted her to rest. She said maybe work was too much right now. This upset Laura. She didn’t understand what she was doing wrong. I reminded her back to the days when all she did was blow her nose. I said you must have a lot of fluid in you. Maybe you’re just full of crap! Ha! Do what the Doctor said and rest.’ Laura laughed about the crap part. Actually, she agreed!
I said to her…. ‘You’ve had this drain tube in you so long. Maybe we should give it a name.’ So that is what we did. We named it! We talk about it like it’s a new friend. It has been the topic of many of our conversations. This seemed like the logical thing to do.
We named Laura’s drain tube… Gertrude. ‘Gertie’ for short. Gertie was a pain in the ass most of the time. Naming it, made it more fun. And believe me when I say, ‘Everyone knew who Gertie was!’ When we asked how Laura was… We asked how Gertie was doing too. Most of the time Gertie wasn’t doing what we wanted her to do. Which was STOP DRAINING! Gertie had a mind of her own. Gertie was ALWAYS being difficult!
Just know… Gertie was around for a while. We will talk more about Gertrude later.

Laura has been living the life she wanted now. She’s been cooking, cleaning, and running her own errands. But what Laura has enjoyed more than anything in this world… Was spending time with her grandbabies. She talked about how reading books and playing with farm animals made for a perfect day. Spending time with her grandson, Caleb, made her happy! “He’s my boy” she said. “I love him. He’s growing so fast. I wish I could play with him like I did before I got sick.”
These were the times Laura missed the most. Seeing the world through a little boy’s eyes. She longed for the days that were just like this. When playing cars on the floor became so much fun! When playtime was over and Caleb was tired, Laura would lay him down for a nap. She would quietly reach over and take Elizabeth from David’s arms. Gently laying her against her chest. It didn’t matter to Laura that she was still sore. This love was stronger than any pain. She would close her eyes and listen to her breathe. Feeling the warmth from that little body.
Time stood still. Their hearts beat as one. This was the best medicine in the world. There is something about a baby that can quiet your soul. All your fears and worries disappear. Laura spent the afternoon staring at her babies. Being their Grandma brought her so much joy!

On other days Laura wanted to spend time with her family. If she wasn’t with her kids, she was with her mom. They were always doing some kind of shopping. Laura said their favorite trips were to the fabric store. Laura worried about her mom after her dad died. She didn’t want her to feel alone. Laura said, “She seemed to be doing well. She has friends at the apartments where she lives at. Those ladies keep a good eye on her. They give her so much support.”
When David had a day off… You would find them going out for lunch. At times they would meet up with his folks. Usually the day would consist of errands. Laura would tell how good this felt.
These are the things Laura hasn’t been able to do for months now. Cancer took all of that away. Laura loved moments like this! She loved spending time with her family. This was the best feeling Laura could feel. How do I know?? She journaled it!
“It felt great to be normal.”

We should all take a moment to learn from this. It wasn’t the big things in life Laura wanted to do. The value of life is in the simple things. Slow down and find your joy.