Chapter 9
It was nice to be home.
Wearing David’s shirts became quite the norm and quite humorous, as they were huge on Laura. She chose to wear them since they were the only shirts big enough to cover the contraption of bandages and drain tubes. Laura had a double mastectomy, so she had drain tubes on both sides. David’s shirts were comfortable, they were easy to get on since they buttoned down the front. To Laura, wearing David’s shirts made her feel safe.
Adjusting to the challenges of the drain tubes was probably the hardest of all. Laura said there was so much drainage and finding a new way to sleep with all of this on… let’s just say, nothing seemed right. The pain she was feeling wasn’t that bad. She described it as more of an achy type feeling. Over the counter medication eased that, so prescription pain medicine was not needed at all.
I laughed when Laura told me she was tired, and she didn’t know why. I said, ‘Well you DID just have surgery. You think maybe that could be why? It’s only been a couple of days. How do you think you’re supposed to feel?’ Laura blew that off as quick as I said it. Oh boy! That’s Laura for you!! Here she is ready to move on, not even a major surgery is going to keep her down.
A couple of days after surgery, Laura said to me, “My right arm is bugging me. It feels weird and kind of heavy. Maybe the numbness is wearing off. I don’t know. It just feels funny.” This was a sensation Laura talked about more than once. She didn’t know whether to be concerned or if this was normal. This was one of the questions she wanted answers to.
Friday would be her follow up appointment with the surgeon. She was hoping to hear some news from the pathology report. She was worried about the heaviness in her arm and if the drainage she’s been getting from the tubes was too much. Laura wasn’t experiencing any pain, so that was good. But she was definitely tired of sponge baths and lying around. She was ready to get out of the house and move on with her life. Waiting as Laura expressed it… “Sucks!”
The Doctor looked Laura over and said everything was healing fine. She would like to recheck her on Monday. Maybe then we will talk about removing the drain tubes. The pathology report wasn’t back yet. She said she would call when it came in. Another anxious weekend to wait and a few more days of draining the tubes. Laura didn’t have all the answers she wanted, but she also didn’t know if she was ready for the news.
Late Sunday evening, I get an 11:30 text.
“I’m scared.”
I tried to tell her she was going to be alright. I tried to tell her to keep her faith. I assumed she was just worrying like we all do when you are waiting for the Doctor’s report. Little did I know she had already heard something. David was the only one who knew. Laura went on to tell me the pathology report hadn’t come through yet but Dr. Be. did have some news.
A few of the lymph nodes had cancer. Laura wasn’t quite sure what that was supposed to mean. The Doctor didn’t offer much information or explain things like she had in the past. She told her they would have to wait for the final report to determine what would come next.
I sat there quietly before I ever answered her back. I was half asleep and had to reread what she just said. My text alerts continued to go off, one text after another. Laura asking me… “What is happening?”
“I am so scared.”
“What am I going to do?”
I took a deep breath as I stared at my phone, trying to find the right words to say. I told her, ‘I may not know anything about this. I’m just not that smart. But I thought that’s why they took the lymph nodes out, to get rid of what the chemo didn’t take care of.’
I sat there and listened as more texts came thru. Laura was sharing everything she was feeling inside. She didn’t understand what was going on. She even wondered if she had done something wrong. She told me all she wanted to do was to play with her grandbabies. She wanted to enjoy the simple things and go back to living her life. She didn’t want anything else to be wrong. She didn’t want any more problems with her health. Laura thought she was about to be over with all of this. She feared what tomorrow news may bring.
Deep inside Laura knew this wasn’t over. She told me she had a bad feeling like she did before her biopsy, back when all of this began. Laura asked me not to say anything, so I promised her I wouldn’t. She then asked me if I was mad. What a silly thing to ask or even think of. She doesn’t have to share any of this with anyone. I explained to her that I was her friend. I am here to listen. I will understand what you want and don’t want to share.
I laid there for a long time just thinking. I really didn’t know what to say. I tried to be encouraging. I told her to keep her head up and of course I reminded her to believe. None of this was going to work this time and I knew it. Fear was going win. Then as quick as the thought popped into my head, I text these words to her…
‘Psalm 91 I lean on it all the time.’
She asked me what it said. I shared with her a few verses that mean the most to me. I told her, ‘Look it up and read it! It’s full of God’s promises and His protection. These words will ease your fears.’
I read Psalm 91 years ago. It has become my favorite. It spoke to me and stayed in my heart. I lean on it every day. I pray it over my family, and I pray it over my friends. Every morning I ask for God’s protection before I ever start my day. Today it means much more to me. I have seen so much of it come true.
Psalm 91:4… ‘He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge.’ I cannot tell you how many times I have found white feathers on the ground, usually after I have a conversation with God. He has answered my prayers in so many ways with a sign or a message I needed to hear.
Psalm 91:11… ‘He will send His Angels protective charge over you.’ I pray this over my family and friends. It brings me so much peace to know I have Angels watching over my kids.
I shared with Laura some of my deepest fears and how I pray this all the time. I have bought books about it and shared them with her so she could believe in these promises too.
I’m not sure if it was me or if it was God wanting Laura to know about and read Psalm 91. I think it was God using me sent through a text message, so these promises could be in her heart too. If you were to walk into Laura’s house, you would see Psalm 91:4 displayed on her wall. I smile every time I see it. It warms my heart to know that it has meaning to her too.
Monday, May 18th, Laura’s appointment with the surgeon.
Laura arrived at Dr. Be.’s office with her fingers crossed, hoping the results from the pathology report were in.
Dr. Be. examined her and said the incisions were healing well. They should be able to remove two of the three drain tubes. There was still a lot of drainage in the area where the lymph nodes were taken out, so the third tube had to stay in. Amanda said, it is a good thing to leave the drain tube in to collect as much drainage as possible. Leaving it in a few more days would be better for Laura’s body to heal.
The pathology report was in. The Doctor sat down and read the results. Laura’s cancer had a name…
Papillary Ductal Carcinoma. From what I have googled, this is a very rare type of breast cancer. Accounting for fewer than three percent of all breast cancers. Its name is derived from the cancer cells having finger-like projections, or papules when seen under a microscope. These cells appear to be fern-like.
Dr. Be. informed her she had removed both tumors along with the breasts. A total of 7 lymph nodes, 4 which still had cancer. She would need to be in contact with her oncologist for further instructions on what he would want to do. Laura left the office feeling confused. She stopped by the clinic to see if Dr. R. was available, unfortunately he had left for the day. She left a message for him to call her as soon as possible . She was hoping he could explain what all of this meant.
Laura was quiet for the rest of the day. She had every right to be. What was supposed to be the end of this journey was now taking her down another path. No matter how hard Laura tried, she just couldn’t get a break. Even though she didn’t understand why all of this was happening to her, she never let go of her faith in God.
Laura’s journal…
“Rachel took me by mom’s apartment on the way home so I could tell her what was going on. I told her there is no need to worry. I was going to be alright. We just have to Believe.”
Laura and I had a conversation later that night. I encouraged her to keep her head up, telling her she was going to be alright. Laura was worried I was done with her friendship and done with cancer. She said she understood if I wanted to go back to my own life. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere. I reassured her I would be there every step of the way. We would get through this too. I said, ‘Anyways, good must be coming. It has to be. I saw another red Cardinal today.’ She told me she had been looking for one too. Hoping for a sign letting her know she would be okay.
Laura with her incredible faith told me this before she went to bed…
“God is the one who knows me. I give my fears to Him. Whatever happens is not in my control. I just have to Believe.”
The next morning Laura’s Doctor called. He wanted to know what Dr. Be. had said. Laura told him what little she knew. She said, this left her confused. She wanted to hear from him, what he thought.
He proceeded to explain what all this meant and what they needed to do. The report detailed that one of the tumors they had removed, part of it responded to the chemotherapy and part of it had not. The lymph nodes did have cancer in them. Dr. R. told her the words she did not want to hear. Laura would need 4 to 5 more months of chemotherapy. He said as a precaution in case there is anything they have missed. Before any final decisions were to be made, he wanted to present her case to a round table of Doctors, from Oncologists to Radiologists. He wanted a meeting with them to help determine what would be the best course of treatment for her. If these Doctors were in agreement and with the Radiologist’s approval, maybe Laura could be a special candidate for radiation. He would soon let her know.
The thought of five more months of chemo can take your breath away. When you have been to hell and back, you don’t want to go back again. All you can think of is the many times you wanted to give up, because you would do anything to not have to be that sick. It feels like a heavy cloud you cannot get out from under. When you realize the thoughts that have been going thru your head are about to become true, your heart skips a beat when you remember you just got your hair back and you may lose it again. To say there is a pit in your stomach is an understatement. Your whole body becomes numb.
The next conversation you must have is with your family and friends. The ones who have prayed for you and longed for this day. You have to tell them that this journey is not over. You feel in a way like you have failed them. You tried so hard not to let them down.
Then God so ever graciously fills you with strength and reminds you what for your fighting for. Laura looked into the eyes of her girls and held her grandbabies tight. She knew she had to be strong for them. She knew she would be alright.
Yes… Laura missed doing the things she loved. She missed this thing called life. She had to fight a little longer for the things that you and I take for granted. The difference is…
She knew the value of simple everyday life.
She made her phone calls and her heart sank again. Her brother-in-law, David, had his second round of chemo. She understood what he was going to go through. She said to me, “If he could do this, I can too.”
As Laura would say… “This is just another bump in the road. It will be okay.
Laura came into work on Wednesday. This was the last day of preschool for our pre-k kids. Every year Laura puts together a video of the children for our preschool graduation. It highlights the special times we had throughout the year. Laura had been working on it for the past several days. She wouldn’t let any of us do this for her. She said this is something she has done every year. This year was no exception. It was important to her. She wanted to do it! We all honored her request.
This is a special group of kids and by far my favorite year. These little four and five-year olds learned more about life in six months than many adults learn in a lifetime. They learned about compassion. They learned about caring. They simply learned about love.
They went on this journey with us. Whether it was video skyping with Ms. Laura at home or wearing a pink bracelet just because it’s ‘Ms. Laura’s bracelet’ that signified love.
Every morning the children would ask me how Ms. Laura was feeling. They asked when they could see her and when was she coming back to school. There would be days when you could tell they really missed her. We would be in the middle of learning when one child would ask if we could say a prayer. I would stop what we were doing. We would put our hands together and I would let that little one speak from his heart. The prayers were simple prayers… “Please God help Ms. Laura get well. Please don’t let her be sick.”
The conversations that followed would melt your heart. Each one would tell how much they love her. Tears would fill my eyes. I would reach down and hug them. Too choked up to say any words. It was the sweetest conversations you ever could imagine. These small children know nothing about cancer. But they know a lot about love. They loved their Ms. Laura.
Graduation was that evening and Laura was sure to be there.
She had only been post-surgery for a little over a week. Nothing was going to keep her from watching her kids walk down that isle. Two little boys, one from each class, presented Laura with a bouquet of flowers. They were told not to hug her. We didn’t want to hurt her. We explained to the class Ms. Laura had an operation. She is really sore. So, we have to be gentle. That didn’t matter to Ms. Laura. She pulled each one in with open arms and a big smile.
I looked around the sanctuary that graduation night. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. The proudest moment for these parents wasn’t seeing their child graduate. It was seeing the love their child had for Ms. Laura.
I have been teaching with Laura for 19 years. This was the most rewarding year of them all.
This small little group of children will forever hold a place in our hearts!