Chapter 7
Wednesday, April 15, 2015. LAST CHEMO DAY!!
Counts were up where they should be, and chemo was a go! Laura was FINALLY going to be able to put chemotherapy behind her.
Laura was so excited for this day. She sent out a text the night before, asking everyone to wear their shirts. Laura didn’t need to ask any of us, the girls at work had already planned to. Recently we had some shirts made. Grey in color with pink lettering. Words printed across the front… ‘Hope, Faith, Love’ and of course… ‘Team Stagg’ in bold letters across the bottom. Laura’s family and friends all had them. Wearing them today was our way of sharing in Laura’s happiness.
Laura is surrounded by so many wonderful people. They have sent her texts, wished her well, a few even sent a card. It seemed like everyone at work today was smiling. To some, this was an emotional day. They knew the bad days were going to be over and their friend wouldn’t be sick anymore.
Who celebrates chemo anyways? We all do! When it’s the very last one! Laura sent a decorated cake to all the girls at work, and then took another with her, for all the nurses to share. This was a day that needed to be celebrated! And since Laura was being Laura, this was her way of saying thank you for all the support she has received.
The girls were so excited for Laura’s last day of chemo. They made a big poster with the words ‘She’s Done’ decorated in pink. Amanda and Rachel were ready to have their mom back. They wanted a normal life too.
Laura has formed such close relationships with the nurses and staff who care for her. I would imagine this is a happy day for them too. They know what their patients go through. So, when it’s the last day of chemo, well you can guarantee they are going to celebrate right along with them.
Pictures were taken and hugs were given. Laura and the girls walked out of the office with the biggest smiles on their faces. And like any other chemo day, Laura and her daughters were off to lunch at their favorite restaurant. I would bet each one of them had a tall glass of Strawberry Lemonade. That was a drink Laura loved.
Laura knew she still had bad days ahead, she knew there was no way to skip the very last ones. But in Laura’s mind these bad days would be different. This time she could tolerate them, she knew they would be over for good. She cleaned her house and ran all her errands. She knew in a couple of days the side effects were going to kick in. By the time Friday rolled around, Laura had all her medicines lined up and her warm blanket ready. She slept through those final bad days. She knew that was the best way to get through them.
Monday, April 20th, Laura’s first entry in her journal, “I’m having a good day.” The first of many that she had longed for.
She had been texting me off and on throughout the day asking about work, visiting, and then making sure I was okay. I had informed her earlier that I was having a very frustrating day. She listened as I rambled on, encouraging me, and then telling me it was going to be okay. I said to her, ‘You’re checking on me? Well it’s about time! HA!’ We laughed, usually it’s me checking in on her. She went on to tell me Rachel was sick and how Austin stayed in town to take care of her. She said Rachel was up all night, not feeling well. Laura was glad Austin was here to help, she knew she couldn’t be around anyone who was sick. We visited and texted for over an hour. You could tell she was in a much happier place. Laura knew she had a few weeks before her scheduled surgery date, so she was going to enjoy every day that she could. This being the first day she has felt better, this would be the first day she would start.
We talked for quite a while and then suddenly the conversation ended. Laura didn’t answer back. I didn’t think much about it, as we know we all get busy with other things. I went on about my day assuming nothing was wrong. I found out later from a friend, Laura got a phone call she didn’t want to get. Her Dad accidently fell and died.
Laura adored her Dad, so I knew this was going to be hard.
Losing your parents is tough. It is one of the hardest things you will go through. Your life changes in a way that you never want it to. You feel like that child in you has to grow up, and you’re not ready to. You think things like… Who is going to take care of me? And who am I going to lean on? What are you going to do when that person is no longer around? I told Laura it does get easier, but only in a matter of time. The tears will lessen, and you will get your smile back. I said, ‘That is something each one of us will have to learn in our own way.’
Laura didn’t understand what had just happened. I don’t think anyone did. This day was supposed to be happy. It was the start of returning to normal, instead it was enveloped with sorrow and pain. Everyone’s hearts were broken, we all shared in the family’s heartache.
Some things in life are hard to wrap your mind around, especially when it is an unexpected loss.
Late that night she texted me with the news. It simply stated… “My Dad died this afternoon.” I knew no amount of words was going to help Laura through this one. I didn’t even try. I just wrote back, ‘I am so sorry.’
Early in the morning my phone went off. It was another one of those 4:47 A.M. texts. Laura wanted to know if I had any more of those silver feathers like I wear around my neck. She told me she wanted one. She wanted to know if I had any more for her family. She said, “I want them to have something to hold on to.” I told Laura, ‘I have a few, but wouldn’t you like something nicer for your family?’ This is what she wanted and asked me if I would go to the store to get more.
We talked that morning for over an hour. Slowly, she opened up, as she tried to process what had just happened. A feeling that hadn’t yet, had time to feel real. She explained to me how in the past, it was her oldest sister and herself, who were the strong ones. They were the ones always helping the others through. She was worried about how they were going to hold it together with everything they had going on in their own lives. Laura’s brother-in-law, David, just had surgery to remove a mass that was discovered during his colonoscopy. Radiation and chemotherapy were becoming a part of their lives too. Cancer has taken a hold on yet another one of this family.
Life can’t get much harder than it is right now.
As our conversation continued, she talked about her mom. Laura was so worried about her. She shared with me how long her parents had been married and how important they were to each other. I listened as she tried to process all her feelings. After a while, a sense of calm came into Laura’s heart. Laura went on to tell me… “You know my Dad can walk now and he can talk. He can fish and bowl. He can run and see. He is doing so many things in Heaven right now. He is happy and he is at peace.”
Laura’s Dad lived with a medical condition called Ataxia.
According to what I have googled… Ataxia is described as ‘A lack of muscle coordination when a voluntary movement is attempted’. People with Ataxia have problems with coordination because parts of the nervous system that control movement and balance are affected.
When I asked Laura about it, she said Ataxia affected her Dad with his speech. He often slurred his words and was hard to understand. It also affected his ability to walk and stand. The past 20 years of his life was spent living in a wheelchair. Laura told me this was a genetic disorder in his family.
The thoughts of him walking in Heaven warmed Laura’s heart. She knew he was doing all the things he loved to do. She imagined all the beautiful things he could see. Laura shared with me how he has lived a good life, that he was loved by many. She told me about a big joke that rumored at the apartment complex where he lived at, how he had lots of ‘girlfriends.’ All the women there loved her dad, everyone did! She ended our conversation with these words… “He will be missed.”
As I was scrolling through these text messages searching for what I wanted to write here. I read what Laura wrote to me the day her family put their father to rest. I am not sure she even realized what she wrote, or what happened through all the sadness of this day. I hope now, it brings a smile to her heart. She told me as they were going to the funeral, she saw a red Cardinal. Her Dad was with her every step of the way.
It’s been two weeks since the final chemo treatment. Laura told me she could still feel the lump in her breast. She said the lymph nodes around that area hurt too.
Laura called the Doctor with her concern. They wanted her to come in right away. After they examined her, they too, could feel the lump and where she described the soreness. The Doctor indicated the lymph nodes seem to be swollen. An MRI was ordered. It was the only way to find out what was really going on. Laura was sent home to wait.
That evening while we were talking, Laura asked me if I would look up her situation on the internet. She wanted me to google any information I could find. She couldn’t bring herself to do it, she said she was too afraid. I did what she asked and replied with what I had found. I said, ‘Most of what I have read said it could be anything from fluid around scar tissue, to cysts caused by stress or even caffeine’. Laura acted in a calm manner by saying “I see. I was just wondering.” I tried to reassure her that it was probably stress related, by telling her, ‘You HAVE been under a lot of stress!’ We talked a little more, she seemed a little hesitant with her messages. I could sense a little worry in our conversation, so I changed the subject. I told her about a recent purchase I had made. I said, ‘I bought a new necklace today. It has a small cross and the word Believe written down the side. I also have a charm with that word on it that I keep on the necklace in my pocket. And… ‘I even have that word, ‘Believe’ draped over my rearview mirror in the Jeep on a small silver chain. I explained to her again what that word means to me. I told her how I look at it so many times. It is my reminder to Believe when times get rough. I said, ‘Now I’m reminding you… Believe, Laura, Believe.’ She assured me she was fine and told me she does Believe. She is just ready to be done. Laura wanted all of this to be over with. She didn’t want any more problems.
The next day the hospital called, the MRI is scheduled for Friday afternoon. Waiting three more days was going to weigh on her. Laura tried to keep herself as busy as she could. She was doing anything and everything to occupy her mind instead of letting it fill with worry. She baked cookies for the kids at preschool for their yearly ‘Dinosaur Stomp’ play. She had a sleepover with her mom so they could spend time together. Friday morning, Laura’s family came in from out of town. She was enjoying lunch together and time visiting with them. Most of the next few days have been spent doing just that. And while she was with her family… she was letting everyone know she was going to be okay.
Later that afternoon Laura went to the hospital for her MRI. And of course, since this test was scheduled on a Friday, that meant the weekend she had to wait. Results would be back sometime on Monday.
That night my daughter, Brandi, and I, went with Laura & Amanda to Rachel’s school. Rachel was the coach of the school’s dance team. It was try-out night. Several high school girls were eagerly waiting to perform, each one hoping to make the team. Watching these girls was fun! Some steadfast in their presentations, some nervously trying to make it through. Every one of these girls, I thought did great!
Amanda and Brandi were there to help judge. Laura and I were in charge of adding up the scores. On top of that… we also had to take care of the baby. Oh boy! That may sound like this was an easy job for us, but it wasn’t! The score keeping was going faster than we expected. The girls kept handing us paper upon paper. Laura was laughing as I trying to keep up! How did I get myself into this again? I really must learn to say NO! I had no idea this was going to be such a fast-paced job. I honestly thought, I was just going to watch these girls perform. There was a reason why I brought Brandi along, she was supposed to take my job. Yeah… that didn’t work out! Now, did it?
The scores were tallied, and the team was chosen. It was fun to see the excitement in all these young girl’s faces.
On our way home we stopped off for a late-night dinner. We talked and laughed like Laura had never received any news. I don’t think a single one of us even thought about it.
Amanda & baby Elizabeth had met Laura earlier for her MRI, and Brandi, Rachel & I had such a busy day. Having dinner at 9:00 at night made all of us kind of delirious. We were laughing at stuff that made no sense at all. Let’s just say… We were ALL tired. But you know what? We sure had a good time.
With company in from out of town, the rest of the weekend flew by. Sunday evening was spent just resting at home. I received a short text from Laura right before bed. She said she had been crying and couldn’t stop. She said she was worried about what tomorrow news may bring. We talked for a while, ending our conversation with each one of us saying a prayer.
Monday morning was here, and the nerves were starting to get to her. Laura kept herself busy like she always would. She had to get her mind on something else.
After a few hours, the phone rang. It was the Doctor who would be performing the surgery. Dr. Be had the results from the MRI. The test indicated that the tumors in her breast had not responded to the chemotherapy treatments. The tumors have actually doubled in size. The surgeon stated, we just need to have the surgery. We need to get in there and see what we are looking at. We will know more when we have the results from the Pathology test. This test will evaluate the samples of the tissue cells to see if any cancer remains.
There was a bit of good news. The test also indicated the lymph nodes were indeed shrinking. We didn’t understand why it worked on one, but not the other.
Not long after Laura hung up the phone, her oncologist called. Dr. R. asked if anyone had called her with the results. Laura said they did. She asked him exactly what it meant. He explained it to her as simply as he could. Doctor R. said, we need to have the surgery. Bluntly stating… We just need to get them off!
Laura asked a hard question, hoping in her heart to hear the answer she wanted to hear. “Does this mean I have to have more chemo?” Dr. R. couldn’t answer her. He said we must wait and see what the Pathology report says. We will go from there.
Laura shared the news with all her family, reassuring them she was going to be okay. “I’m a fighter,” she said. “Together we will fight this. It’s just another bump in the road.”
Confident on the outside for everyone to see, strong for the others, she had to be. That was Laura most of the time. She didn’t want anyone to worry about her.
There was another side to Laura, I would assume like it is with everyone. The side that’s not so easy to share. There were times when she sat quietly at home when no one was around. The sadness would overtake her, her eyes would fill with tears and she would have a quiet conversation with God.
When situations in life become serious, I become very quiet. I like to sit and think things through. I came home from work that day and sat on my porch trying to process the news. I had a conversation with my mom who is in Heaven. She gets to hear a lot about Laura and anything else that might be going on in my life.
Chase came out to join me. He wanted to make sure I was okay. While we were sitting there, he notices a bird in our yard. “Look at that bird.” I grinned and said, ‘It’s a Cardinal, it’s a sign from Heaven.’ It is funny how many times I have been talking to my mom and a red Cardinal would appear. Chase and I sat on our porch for over an hour just visiting and taking in the sun. The strangest thing happened next…
We have a little dog, a Yorkie, his name is Gunner. Anytime we are outside, Gunner is outside too. He likes to be wherever we are. On my porch I have three folding lawn chairs. These chairs are a permanent fixture once the weather turns warm. My family and I spend a lot of time sitting on our front porch.
Gunner had been outside with us for quite a while. Suddenly, he becomes obsessed with barking at one of the chairs. There is nothing new about this chair, it has been on our porch for months. Chase and I look at each other wondering what is going on. We thought maybe the neighbor’s cat had been in it, leaving behind its smell. Chase laid the chair down over on its side. If there had been a cat in it, Gunner would know. He would be going crazy smelling every inch of it. Gunner hates cats!! Gunner never approached the chair to smell it, he just continued his steady bark. We placed the chair upright again, thinking that might startle his attention. I asked Chase, ‘What do you think he sees?’ He had been out there with us for most of the hour and then suddenly he starts barking at this chair. Gunner barked continuously for several minutes. Chase and I videotaped him because frankly, it was hard to believe. It was like he saw something we couldn’t see. I told Chase, ‘Well, I was just talking to my mom about Laura, then that Cardinal was in our yard.’ I said, ‘There is a saying that goes… Cardinals appear when Angels are near. Maybe Grandma came to visit!’ All of a sudden Gunner stops barking and walks away. He never bothered the chair again. It was the weirdest thing. We both laughed and said, “Bye Grandma. Glad you came to visit.”
To this day we never figured out what he was barking at. He never did it again.
As surgery date was approaching, Laura didn’t want to talk about cancer, she didn’t want to talk about being sick. Laura wanted to stay as busy as she possibly could.
It was ‘Nurses Week’. You know what that means, don’t you? Time for Laura to be Laura again. She was up and out of the house bright and early. She was going to deliver a tray full of goodies to the Doctor’s office for all the nurses to share. Laura has a special place in her heart for these nurses. They have taken such good care of her. All her nurse friends were excited to see her, each one of them giving her a hug. Dr. R. caught a glimpse of her as he was walking down the hall. He came over and asked her how she was doing. Laura told him, she was okay and ready for all of this to be over with. They talked about the surgery and what to expect. He reassured her everything would be okay. Before she left, he gave her a hug. In his steady voice he said…We will fight this together.
Today was a special day for our pre-k kids. It was their end of the year field trip. Laura surprised them by showing up at the park. There were lots of hugs from the children and several parents informing her, she was in their prayers. Each child managed to run over and say Hi to Ms. Laura. I’m not sure who enjoyed it more, the kids or Laura.
As soon as school was over, we met with the other preschool teachers for lunch. This is something we would do several times throughout the year. We work with a great group of ladies. We have been in each other’s lives for a long time now. It was a nice way to end such a busy morning.
After lunch, Kathy and I walked Laura to her car. I was sharing a story about something that had happened earlier. We climbed into Laura’s car so I could finish telling it to the end. That story led to another one. We sat in Laura’s car talking and laughing for over two hours. We didn’t talk about the upcoming surgery. We didn’t talk about cancer, and there was no mention of any scans. Just three friends sitting in a restaurant parking lot. Rain pouring down all around us, not a care in the world, just having fun. We had our friend back and it was nice, even if it was for just one day.
For the next three days Laura acted like a nesting mother-to-be. Rearranging furniture from one room to the other, from upstairs to downstairs and then back up again. There was mopping and sweeping, then things to be put away. Once every room had been cleaned, Laura moved her chores to the outside. David held a ladder as each window was washed and shined. When it came to the point where Laura was satisfied on how things looked, she then started cooking and baking until the refrigerator was full.
Keeping busy felt good to her. Laura’s mind didn’t have time to think.
Sunday was Mother’s Day and a day to rest. Laura and her mother were invited to church services with her sister. While there, the congregation prayed for her. Laura was overwhelmed by their warmth and kindness. Strangers went out of their way to make her feel loved.
After church, Laura spent the afternoon with family. It was a day well needed to relax and have fun. Mother’s Day was spent with all the kids together, a BBQ lunch and time in the sun.
Surgery would be the next morning, so the kids wanted as much time with mom as they could get. Everyone had the perfect day!
Laura was tired and off to bed early. Before bed, she journaled these words… a message she left embedded in her heart. “I am putting my trust in God. He has a plan. He knows what is going on. He will take care of me. I Believe that. Always Believe! It has been hard for me, the unknown. But I have to believe in God. All will be good, just have to Believe.”
I finished this chapter with a very heavy heart. I remember the day Laura sharing the results from the MRI. I remember being upset, disappointed and a little confused.
Being a person new to cancer, I can honestly say I wasn’t sure what was going on. I think like others do. You assume sometimes this happens. The Doctors will take care of it, Laura will have the surgery and then everything will be fine.
I know about cancer differently now and reliving this became hard.
Two years later… I’m reading this and writing about it. Inside I am thinking… Oh my gosh, the chemo didn’t work! Yes, it shrunk the lymph nodes, but I thought its purpose was to shrink the tumors so the cancer would be gone. My friend went through all this sickness and the chemo didn’t work! I sat here in silence for the longest time. Immediately my thoughts went to Laura. Did she feel like this when she first heard the news? Or did she feel like me? Trusting everything would be fine. Looking back at it now seems so scary. They say God protects you when you go through bad stuff. I hope and pray He protected Laura. I think He did, by the way she carried herself. I can’t imagine feeling then, what you know so much more about now. My heart hurts a little harder. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel like I could have been a better friend, had a little more understanding and shown a little more care. I know so much more now. I just didn’t know back then.