Chapter 6
It was Easter weekend. Laura was planning for the big holiday meal. Rachel had been dating Austin for a few months now, and their relationship was becoming more serious. The two met while Rachel was visiting a friend in Iowa. Austin seems like such a great guy and a perfect match for Rachel. This weekend was going to be the first time Austin would bring his parents into town to meet Laura and the family. Austin, his brother Adam, and parents, Tina & Phil, were all making the three-hour drive. They were going to make a weekend getaway out of their trip since they didn’t know much about our area. Dinner plans were set for Friday evening, followed by some sightseeing then Laura’s invitation to an Easter meal.
Friday morning started off with errands and meal preparations for Sunday’s meal. Laura wanted everything to be perfect. After a few of hours of shopping, Laura came home for a short nap. She was feeling a little tired but was able to get everything done she had on her list. Soon it was time to head out the door for dinner. Laura enjoyed meeting Austin’s family. She told me how nice they were and said they had a good time. But as the evening progressed, Laura could feel herself getting exhausted. Pain was starting to set in. Laura hoped she could feel good enough to get through the next few days, since this was an important weekend.
Saturday started off just like Friday ended. Laura was moving slow and having a really hard time. She managed to make it through the afternoon with a nice visit and small lunch with Austin’s parents. She opted to bow out of sightseeing and dinner on The Plaza since that would be too much. Laura felt bad she couldn’t go.
Easter Sunday was here. Laura thought she felt good enough to make it to Church services. By the time she returned home she was having chills. Laura had another fever. By now the pain was worse, she could hardly walk down the hall. She knew she needed to lie down. She apologized as she headed off to the bedroom, thinking she would only take a short nap. Laura slept through the entire holiday meal.
Family was there to help with the preparation and serving of the meal so Laura could rest. And after dinner, everyone helped clean up and put things away. Laura had no idea any of this was taking place. Laura had been sleeping for so long. Austin’s parents understood what she was going through, they both work in the medical field. They just wanted the best for her, they wanted her to feel well. This was not like Laura at all, she is the one who is going out of her way for others. Laura’s disappointment was deep. She was angry with herself. She was mad at cancer. She felt embarrassed that she missed out on everyone’s Easter.
A phone call was made early the next morning, hoping for some relief. The Doctor’s office was closed due to the holiday. Laura was mad once again. I asked her, ‘What kind of pain are you feeling?’ She told me, “It’s hard to walk. It feels like there are a bunch of needles being stuck into the bottoms of my feet. The pain travels up my legs, so everything hurts. All I can do is lay on the couch.”
That evening Laura and I had one of our deep conversations. I was telling her about a teaching tape I was listening to about Faith, Fear, Pain and Happiness. I shared with her how fear is a factor in my life. I said, ‘I need to learn to be happy during the pain and find joy through the fear.’ I sent her a picture of a quote I saw that day. Written were these words… ‘Is my Faith or my Fear leading my life?’ That quote is what sparked this conversation. I continued with… how I want to be happy no matter what.
Laura and I talk about this type of stuff all the time. How we are supposed to live our lives, and how to become better people. Exactly, what are we to learn? Laura jumped right in on this conversation and said that fear was an issue with her too. Her response, “I know I can do this. It just hurts so bad. I am trying to be strong, Deb. I can’t walk and all I can do is sleep it off. I don’t want to be a baby about it, but I am. It hurts.” She tried to apologize for her feelings by saying she was having a moment. She said, “I want to be strong for you guys, but it got me.” I answered her back, ‘You called me Deb!’ She laughed and said, “LOL. I know!” For as long as I have known Laura, she has called Debbie (make note… I have known her for many years). Let me explain…
One day she received a card in the mail from her sister. Her name was also, Debbie. She confused her with me. I said, ‘Why don’t you call me Deb. That’s what my close friends call me.’
This was the first time I have ever heard her say it. I guess she considers us close friends now. Ha! Sometimes when life gets too serious and conversations become too deep, you have to laugh.
I asked her why she thought she had to be strong all the time, name me one person who is. It’s okay to have feelings, and it’s okay to have your moments. Laura was starting to have more and more of what she called, moments. I told her we must let our Faith become bigger than our Fear. After we talked awhile, the Laura we all know was back. Telling me, “Even though fear is hard, we have to put our trust in God. He is the one who know us.”
I ended our conversation with, ‘By the way, how did we start talking about you? I was talking about me!’ That one deserved an LOL from Laura.
I truly believe what Laura said, no one can understand how hard chemo is unless you have been through it yourself. From what I have witnessed, it must be one of the hardest things you could ever imagine. You would think at some point a person’s body would adapt to the side effects of the treatments. At what stage does it become bearable? Maybe for others, they can go on with their life. Maybe it affects each person in their own way. As for my friend, I was able to see firsthand what she went through. From what I have seen, she had it rough.
Weeks upon weeks of coughing, spitting up and then coughing some more. At times, she could hardly catch her breath. When the coughing subsided, some new side effect would appear. The inability to eat or drink lingered. Food took on the taste of metal. Brushing her teeth usually resulted in throwing up. And after weeks of trying to find something to eat… craving something tolerable outweighed craving something good. Just when you thought you have tackled that hurdle, something new would happen. Laura called these ‘bumps in the road’. Laura had a lot of bumps. Her road was not a paved one.
The latest bump consisted of pain and daily fevers. Some call it, ‘chemo fever’. If there was a day that Laura did not have a fever, she was thanking God. It seemed liked she couldn’t get through a day without one. All she wanted was a little bit of relief. I felt sorry for her, I wasn’t able do anything to help. By now, she knew what to watch for. If her blood counts were low when the fever was present, she would need to call the Doctor. Remember, that could be dangerous. This was something Laura got used to.
Throughout this journey, I have asked Laura lots of questions. I asked her to describe to me, in detail, how it felt. Sometimes it was hard to understand. I couldn’t comprehend what she meant. I remember reading an article about a young man who had cancer. This is how he described what chemo felt like to him. He explained how he has always been physically fit. He was an avid runner, who liked to run in marathons. He regularly worked out with weights. He said his worst day of working out did not compare to the achiness, fatigue, and the pure exhaustion, he felt from side effects of chemotherapy. Wow!
So now… Here’s Laura, wanting her story to be told.
I had never thought about writing a book before. One day, I did. I never told anyone I had this feeling, not until I was having a conversation with Clint and my son, Chase. We had been talking about Laura and one of her days. They looked at me and said, you should write a book about this, you should write a book about Laura. I thought it was crazy they said that. I told them how that thought had come to me a few days before. I have written poems in the past, usually for friends who were getting married. Never once, have I ever thought about writing a book.
The boys got to the point where they were telling me daily… “Write the book!” The feeling kept getting stronger and words started popping into my head. I told Laura about it and asked her what she thought. She said “Yes, I think you should!” I shared with her what I had been thinking. I said, ‘I already know the first sentence, I have had it in my head for a long time now. I also know how I would end it; with something I had written before.’ I shared with her what the title would be and hoped she would approve. I pretended like I had this all figured out and was just waiting for what she thought I should do. She told me it brought tears to her eyes, she wanted me to do it.
Several months went by before my writing ever began. I had the thoughts in my head, but not the confidence in myself. My family kept pushing me, “You need to write the book”. Laura would even give me a hard time about… when and if I would ever get it done.
Several little things kept happening, I call them signs. I was starting to believe it was a ‘God thing’ that I needed to write this book. Looking back to the beginning of our text messages, I found a text from Laura saying, “Time to update my journal”. I said, ‘Are you documenting stuff or are you making it into a story? You need to make it into a story. Better yet, maybe I should write your story, I could write what I have witnessed.’ We laughed and never thought another thing about it, not until now. Maybe it was a ‘God thing’ from the very beginning, maybe He had it all planned out.
One afternoon, we were sitting in the office at work. Laura was talking about some stuff she wanted Luisa and I to help her do. She wanted to make a bucket list. She listed some things she wanted to accomplish and some trips she wanted to go on. She talked about what was important to her and what had meaning in her life. I had my head down because this was a conversation I really didn’t want to have. For a moment she got quiet. I raised my head to see her looking straight at me. She had the most serious look on her face. She said… “I want you to write the book. I want it to go in our care packages, so we can help others.” I said, ‘Oh Laura, don’t do this to me. I don’t know how to write a book.’ The serious tone in her voice continued as she leaned in closer to me. “You can do it. I know you can! If I can go through cancer and everything I have been through, you can write the book. Please, write the book.”
So here I am, trying to do the best that I can, hoping and praying to make Laura proud.
When I sat down to write this book, I didn’t realize how hard it would be. Putting the pen to paper was easy. Reliving the bad days is what was hard. Over time you forget what a person goes through, you focus on the good times and not the bad. And if you have any ounce of empathy in you, reliving it tugs at your heart a little harder the second time around.
When this journey began, I talked Laura into keeping a journal. Never knowing that someday I would have it in front of me, reading it and then writing from it, some of the deepest feelings a person could feel. I have thousands of text messages that I have scrolled through, I understand now why Laura wouldn’t let me erase. There are conversations I have forgotten about and some I hate to remember. At times, I just had to walk away for a while as I relived moments I’d like to forget. Many nights after writing, I would go to bed with this heaviness in my chest.
At first, I wanted Laura to read what few pages I had written. I had to make sure she was okay with what was said. She said it made her cry and she thought it was good, she liked what I had wrote. Later I sent a few more pages waiting for her approval. I wanted to make sure I had everything right. It took her several weeks before she could read it, reliving it was too hard and her feelings were too raw. I understood what she meant. I know it’s much deeper with her. I said to her with the utmost respect, ‘I don’t have to write this book. I can stop if you want me to. It’s whatever you want me to do.’ Laura told me she wants me to finish it. Even though she can’t read it right now, she wants this story told. Her hope is to help someone else. I won’t ask for her to read anymore, I will wait for her to ask me. This is her story and her pain. It can be read on her time. I proceeded to ask if she wanted me to write the hard stuff, the personal stuff, and all the feelings that went with it. Laura wanted it all in here, she didn’t want me to hold anything back. Laura wanted me to open up too. She wanted me to share my stories, my way of thinking, the words and how I would say them. I told her I didn’t know if I could do that. To me, that would make me feel vulnerable. ‘Laura, you know how hard that would be for me, you know how private I am.’ “You have to,” she said. “It’s the story. It’s how we helped each other through.” I talked it over with my family, they agreed with Laura. They said there is somebody out there that needs to hear this, it’s going to help all kinds of people.
So here I sit, feeling a little bit hesitant. I made a promise to her, I would put my stuff in.
Laura would read articles, she would watch TV shows, she even purchased books about other people who were going through cancer. She wanted to hear their stories to see if she could relate. She had to know what she was feeling, they were feeling too. That’s why this book is important to her. There is someone out there, just like Laura, searching for an understanding too.
Laura has a story and God has a purpose. And through me, we can share that with you. There were lots and lots of bad days, but there were also lots of good. When we started going through this together, I asked Laura a question. I asked her, ‘What are you supposed to be learning from this?’ Never did I imagine, she would turn that question around on me.
Through this book, I hope we can share some of that with you.
What you are about to read is a series of short stories. This is not a novel. It’s a conversation about life.
Laura is an incredible human being. Her strength is something to be admired. Her faith in this path she walks, defines exactly who she is.
I have found that strength grows through weakness. A person is not strong because of what they can withstand, they are strong because of their determination to get up again. It is perfectly fine to fall back and lean on others, you don’t have to be strong all the time.
Strength is shaped and formed by fear, defeat, and the courage to go on. Most people only see strength from the outside, I had the opportunity to see it develop from within. I will learn from it, watch it grow and hopefully take what Laura has shown me and apply it to my own life.
If you were to take a textbook and read all the side effects from each type of chemotherapy, you could guarantee Laura had experienced them all. There were days when it just became too much!
Laura would become weak and tell me she couldn’t do this anymore. That’s when we would talk things through.
Most of these conversations were in the middle of the night. 11:30, 12:30, 2:30, it didn’t matter what time it was. When fear would make its appearance, my phone would go off. I would tease her by saying, ‘4:47 A.M. must be a time when your mind wanders the most.’ I have received many text messages around this time. Some nights she would be crying and wouldn’t be able to stop. Other times just scared and needed to talk. She would usually start the conversations, then I would take over and flood her with thoughts and feelings on how I believe. We would talk for however long it would take until she could put her mind to rest and fall back asleep again. After these conversations would end, I would lay there awake hoping I had said the right words. Laura would always amaze me by ending our talks with, “I know God is in control, my faith is in Him.”
There were days that her frustrations with it all would make her angry and upset. I could sense this in a text or a phone call she would make.
She called me one day while I was out shopping. I asked her where she was, then told her to stay put, I would be there in a few minutes. I could tell by her voice something was wrong. I met her at the CVS parking lot. I climbed into her car and listened as she cried and screamed as she let it all out! She was angry at life and done with cancer. During this conversation she was even angry at me. She didn’t want to hear the calm words I had say. So, I didn’t say them. I didn’t back down from her either, I yelled back too. Later I apologized for raising my voice, because that’s just not the kind of person I am. Laura was broken, she had hit the bottom. To put it bluntly, she was a mess. I had to remind her who she was and what she had inside of her. Slowly, I could see her strength coming back.
Oh, I am sure we were quite the site for anyone who would have walked by. Laura was loud, she was upset, and she was screaming. That’s okay, she needed this moment. She needed to get ALL of this out. We talked for a few more minutes, Laura was calm now. Somehow, we managed to work through these feelings.
She texted me later that night, “You always have the right words to say. Thank you.” My response to her was, ‘I always ask God first. He’s the one who gives me those words.’
There were so many times that I needed God’s help. I didn’t always know what to say and I definitely did not know what to do. Many times, I felt helpless.
One of those times, Laura called me while I was driving to our local hobby store. She was crying, I couldn’t hardly understand what she was saying. I pulled off the road into a little park over by the lake. I pulled over so we could talk. I didn’t know what was going on, and I don’t remember much of what was said. But I do remember exactly how it made me feel.
Laura was having a bad day. I mean a really, REALLY bad day! I tried my best to talk her through, but this day was different. It was tough! Laura wasn’t mad like the other time, that one I could handle. Laura was having a breakdown. She was in a full panic mode.
I could feel my heart beating faster. I was asking her questions like, ‘What’s going on? Did you get some bad news? What did the Doctor say?’ Laura was making me nervous. I have never seen her like this before. I wish she would tell me what is wrong. She just kept crying and crying, God she was crying so hard!
She didn’t get any bad news, there was no phone calls from the Doctor. Laura’s anxiety was taking over. Laura was afraid to die.
I tried my best to get her calmed down, and after twenty minutes of talking, I feel like I did. Laura said she was okay now. She wanted to go rest.
After we hung up the phone, I drove over to Hobby Lobby’s parking lot. I sat in the Jeep for a very long time. I didn’t understand and I questioned God. Tears rolled down my face as I sat quietly talking with Him. I said, ‘God… You wouldn’t take someone else from me, would you?’
I have miscarried a baby, lost the only other person I’ve ever dated besides Clint (These two I didn’t talk about). I lost my mom and her best friend (And just so you know…I didn’t share the story about Sue with Laura. I didn’t want her to know).
And as I have said before, I lost two of my very best friends. Now I have let Laura push her way into my heart. These are the reasons why I have protected it for so many years.
I was overwhelmed. I was scared and sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to feel, I didn’t know how to feel. All I felt was hurt and pain. I just sat there crying. I turned the radio up hoping to drown out my thoughts. A certain song was playing, one that means something to me. It’s called ‘Over You’. Every time I hear this song it reminds me of my friend Teresa. Listen to it and you will understand. It’s about losing someone too. As I sat there, the tears kept rolling. I said, ‘Really God? You’re going to play this? Just great! This is NOT what I want to hear.’
You see, God knew better. He knew this was exactly what I needed to hear.
Soon the tears stopped, and a strange sense of peace calmed me. I felt like Teresa’s presence was all over me. This feeling lasted for several days. I felt her everywhere I went, early in the morning, and late at night. I started noticing white feathers on the ground. It didn’t matter where I would walk, there in my path were feathers, white ones! I’ve always known when you find a white feather, it is a sign from Heaven that your Angels are watching over you. They are letting you know everything is going to be okay. It is to remind us to keep our Faith.
It amazed me how many times my attention was drawn to a feather in my pathway, most of these times while I had been thinking about Laura. This would happen more times than I could ever explain. It didn’t matter if I was out shopping or walking down a sidewalk about to enter a restaurant. I would go to take a step and a white feather was there. This craziness continued for a couple more weeks.
One day, the girls and I had been talking about Laura at work. We were all visiting in the hallway. I look down to see 2 white feathers at my feet. These feathers were INSIDE the building! I picked them up and put them in my pocket. I shared with excitement the story with my co-workers. They were surprised to see the feathers there too!
There is no doubt in my mind, God sent Teresa to me when I needed her the most. I have tried since then, to feel Teresa’s presence like that again. I desperately wanted to feel that feeling, like she was sitting right next to me. Like she had my back. I couldn’t make it happen.
All I knew was, I wasn’t scared anymore. The peace that moment left with me, I will never forget.
I now wear two silver feathers on a chain around my neck. It reminds me of my Angels and of that special time. Laura also wears one of these feathers on her necklace. And if she has given you one… Hold onto it, you have an Angel watching over you too!
I believe in things like this, I always have.
I started sharing some of my stories with Laura, some that are a little hard to believe.
A few years back I went through several months of depression. Anxiety usually accompanies depression, I had that too. I went through a period of time where several things in my life went wrong. These things were out of my control. My doctor explained it to me as having ‘situational anxiety’. He said, it is when major things happen in a person’s life that becomes too much. He didn’t prescribe me any kind of medication for it, although I wish he would have. He told me instead, it would just take time to go away.
My depression lasted for 4 ½ months. I couldn’t shake it, no matter how hard I tried. Only my immediate family knew what I was going through.
It started at the end of the school year. I hid it well. Laura didn’t even know I was depressed. It wasn’t until one of our late-night conversations that I shared this story with her. I explained that time to her in detail, how I would sit on my front porch and pray for this depression to leave. I told her exactly how bad it got. I cried every day, there wasn’t a day that I didn’t. When Clint would get home from work, he would sit with me on the porch. I could tell in his eyes he was hoping this day would be better. I would simply look over at him and the tears would slowly fall. I could see the hope leave his face. Even Clint did not know how to help me.
Laura listened as I continued my story. I would tell her how I would go to the store and see people smile. I would have given anything just to be able to smile.
And when the nighttime came, I was scared. The room was too quiet. I too, had to give myself pep talks. I didn’t think my life was ever going to be the same. The hardest thing I shared with Laura, was the worst feeling I have ever felt. I felt like God had left me.
My front porch became my safe place. I never wanted to leave it. Clint tried everything he could to help me. He even told me if you can’t be happy, then fake it. He would say if you pretend you are happy, maybe someday you will be.
Four and a half months went by. Clint told me to pack my bags, we were going on a vacation. He said, “Come on Deb, we need to.” Traveling was something Clint and I loved to do. He thought maybe this would save me. I remember the night before we left, we were sitting at a restaurant. I was crying and telling him I didn’t want to go. He wouldn’t let me back out of this. He begged me, please do it for him.
Early the next morning we left, we made it to our first stop. We spent the night in St. Louis. That evening I had uneasiness. I panicked and pleaded with Clint to take me home. He told me to trust him, everything would be alright. If in a few days’ things were not better, he promised we would turn around and go back home.
We made it to a little cabin somewhere in Michigan. We stayed there for a couple of nights. I was feeling a little better, like Clint hoped I would. But he also knew I wasn’t myself.
The next morning, we drove out to look at Lake Michigan. I remember standing on the shore looking across the lake. It was as big as the ocean; you couldn’t even see the other side. As I stood there, I prayed once again. By now my prayers are much weaker. I believe God knew I was giving up hope. I closed my eyes and prayed anyway. I asked God, ‘Please help me find me again.’ I wanted more than anything to be happy.
When we returned to the cabin later that afternoon, I told the boys I was going inside to take a nap. I wasn’t feeling well, I had a horrible headache. I don’t know how long I was in there, I just know I fell into such a deep sleep.
My mom came to me in a dream that day. I don’t remember seeing her face, but I definitely remember hearing her voice and what she said. My mom told me, “You are going to be okay.”
I woke up as if someone had shaken me. I had tears running down my face. There wasn’t anything sad in my dream. Just the clear sound of my mom’s voice. The depression left in that moment, and to this day it has never returned. It was the most comforting thing I have ever felt. The only way I could describe it is…. It was like someone flipped a switch on my life, and I instantly became me again.
I tell Laura these stories because I want her to Believe. I want her to know she is not fighting this alone. God never does leave us. Please know, He is always there. Sometimes if you pay close enough attention and you quiet your mind, God will allow His Angels to speak to your heart.
I tell her my stories because I know what it is like to be afraid. I tell her… because I want her to Believe!
Over time, my text messages grew in size. I opened up more and poured my life experiences as if it was everyday conversation.
So many times, Laura would tell me she didn’t have any fight left, she felt like she was letting everyone down. More and more she was sharing her fears, uttering words like, “Please help me,” as I tried to talk her through.
Nighttime is always the worst, at least it is for me. It seems like one’s mind can think some pretty awful stuff. In the middle of the night you can convince yourself your fears are coming true. I looked back on one of our middle of the night conversations, it was three hours long.
No one knows what Laura has been through, I who have heard it all, still cannot comprehend what it must feel like. It doesn’t matter if you are a strong, confident person, cancer has a way of dropping you to your knees. And while you are down there, you pray a lot. You’re praying every minute of the day, just hoping to make it through the night.
I wish people had more empathy for others and what they go through. On the outside, they may seem like they are doing okay, that is the image they are trying to portray. You see, they don’t want your sympathy, they want your understanding. Your sympathy makes them believe in that weakness that stalks them in the middle of the night. But when you understand, or you at least try to understand, that gives them hope that they are not alone.
Our nighttime conversations would end with both of us a little less afraid and a little more at peace. And like always, Laura’s faith in God would be the last words spoken…
“I am fine now. I am not in control. God is! He knows what is going on and I accept that.” And with a good night, I accepted that too!
I will end this chapter with something funny. Because yes, we had plenty of those. I’ll share this one with you…
Laura texted me one evening and said, “Don’t call or text me for a while. I have to catch up on my journal.” She needed to scroll up on her phone, because most of what happened she conveyed thru text. A few hours later, a message came through that said, “All caught up!” I said, ‘Have you been working on this for three hours???’ Her reply was, “Yes! A lot has happened in these last three weeks.” I laughed in amazement and said, ‘It took you three hours just to go back to March 23rd?? I don’t know why it took you so long. I could have written it for you in just a few short words… Sucked, sucked, sucked and it sucked! Oh yeah… and I (meaning Laura) was also very pissy!! Ha!’ Laura’s response to that was, “Yep! Pretty much!! LOL.” I’m glad we always managed to laugh