Chapter 46
Clint and I had to go out of town for a funeral. We left early Sunday morning. Laura sent me a text later that afternoon, expressing her frustrations. She had chemo on Wednesday, so we know what that means. It means the weekends are never good.
“This just sucks! Two days are now gone. I did get my room dusted though. I can’t do anymore right now. It is so frustrating.”
‘It’s a normal Sunday for you. You were able to get one room done, so good. Be happy with that. Now you’re going to have a whole week off.’
“I still have the kitchen to do. I need to work downstairs in Rachel’s room. They are coming home next weekend. It just sucks.”
‘Well, you will have Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to get it done.’
“I know, but I also have preschool to get ready.”
‘Stacey and I will take care of things at school. Don’t worry about that. We got it.’
“No! Oh, hell no!! I will be there to help!!”
‘Hahahaha. Oh boy! It’s going to be an interesting year.’
“Glad I could make you laugh. I have found some new worksheets for us to do with the kids this year.”
‘You mean ones that don’t have a rotary dial telephone??’
“Yep. They are pretty cool. I will start printing them off this week.”
‘Are you excited about school?’
“Yes, I am. Just having a day.”
‘I couldn’t tell. Haha. Did you see what Luisa wrote when we were texting her the other day? I said something about blowing up her phone with all these texts. She responded with…
“Ok you two, my phone kept going beep, beep, beep, beep. I am trying to paint. Lol.” We are going to get her in trouble for sure.’
“She loves us. Lol. We are good friends.”
‘I read this today. I thought it was pretty neat. A lady was talking about her friend. (She was a photographer.) She wrote about how her friend viewed life and what this person taught her. She stated… ~ A candle doesn’t lose brightness by lighting another candle. ~ Her friend talked about how God gave her a gift and how it wasn’t hers to keep. She said, the gift is something you must share with others and use it to teach those around you. Wow. It certainly is something to think about.’
“Yes, it is. I’m just not having a good evening.”
‘You have to find the good. You’re going to feel better tomorrow, you know you will. I know your weekends are rough, but things are going to get better. You are already so much better than you were a few months ago. Say a prayer.’
“I will. I know. It’s just a day.”
Clint and I cut our trip short because this was the week I had to get ready for preschool. The next few days would be spent cleaning and preparing our rooms. I mentioned to Laura that Stacey and I would take care of it, but she insisted on being there. Actually, when Tuesday came, she was the first one there.
Laura told me she was up bright and early ready to get started. It’s funny, you would think this was her first day. She was as excited as a brand-new teacher. There was a huge smile on her face, and you could hear the excitement in her voice. She arrived with notebooks, and boxes of projects that she had been working on at home. She might have been the only one who was ready for summer to be over and a new school year to begin. Her joy is found being with these kids. I have told you before, I will say it again… Teaching pre-k is Ms. Laura’s passion. It will be good to have her back.
We kept a steady pace but not too hard. Let’s just say… Tuesday, she came on strong. Wednesday, not so much…
Wednesday, August 31st. Text from Amanda…
“Good to see you today. I am worried about my mom. Why are her off weeks like this?”
‘Yeah, she mentioned that she didn’t sleep well. She was fine this morning, but as the day progressed, you could see that she was getting tired. I could tell she was dragging.’
“I just want her to feel good this weekend so we can do something with Rachel.”
‘We worked in our rooms until 2 yesterday, and then she went upstairs to the daycare. I don’t know how long she stayed up there. I heard she worked a few hours on Monday too. I talked with her on the way to work this morning, I told her she didn’t have to come in. She said she was feeling groggy. We have finished setting up the rooms, so hopefully she will stay home and rest.’
“Yes, hopefully she will rest a bit. Thanks Debbie.”
I sent a quick text to Luisa…
‘How late did Laura work yesterday? Amanda is worried about her.’
“She worked until 6. I could tell she was tired and short of breath.”
‘That was a very long day. She said she didn’t sleep well last night. She looked really tired today.’
“When Caleb and Elizabeth are here in the daycare, she comes and sits with them until Jared gets there. She says, it’s in case he is running late. What time did she leave today? She called me a little after 12:15. I didn’t know if she was on her way home or not. Yesterday was a long day for her. She just doesn’t know when to quit. She is a tough little cookie, but then she pays for it the next day.”
‘Yeah, we all left around noon. Rachel is coming home this weekend, so she needs to rest. She is acting very tired today. She needed to go home.’
“Yes, she sounded tired. Her cough sounds bad.”
Thursday, September 1st. Group text…
Deb… ‘Good morning! Hope you both are feeling better. It’s the first day of a new month. Don’t forget to say… Rabbit rabbit. We are going to need all the good luck we can get.’
Luisa… “I just said rabbit rabbit four times. Lol.”
Deb… ‘Are you doing okay, Laura?’
Laura… “Yes. I had to take a nap. I feel better now after sleeping a little.”
Deb… ‘I don’t think I’m going to Vegas. It’s just not going to work out. I called Stacey and told her. I wanted her to understand. There is no one to cover my room and it costs way too much to go for a short weekend. It’s just not working out. She is having a reception here when they get back. I told her I would definitely be coming to that. I feel so bad that I can’t go.’
Laura… “I totally understand. How was Stacey?”
Deb… ‘She was okay. She understood. I had to make my decision and go with it. It has been weighing on my mind. Enjoy your weekend with your girls, Laura. Luisa… Hope you’re feeling better. Just so you know, Clint and I are going out of town.’
Sunday afternoon text from Laura…
“Hi Debbie, how are you? Are you having a good time?”
‘Yes, we are. Did you feel the earthquake?’
“Yes, I did.”
‘We felt nothing here. How’s your visit going?’
“My dishes rattled a little, that was it. It’s going well. I am dog sitting right now. The cat and the dog, they don’t get along.”
‘Ha! Welcome to my world. Are you feeling any better?’
“Yes. We went to Santa Cali Gon to watch the kids dance. I did okay. I didn’t make it to Kohls with the girls though. I came home and took a nap. I’m doing ok. Sleeping at night is ok too.”
‘Well good.’
“Are you busy Tuesday, after our first preschool open house?”
‘Not that I know of. Why?’
“I need you to go somewhere with me?”
‘Ok. Where are we going?’
“The social security office.”
‘Okay Laura, I can go with you.’
Monday, September 5th. Labor Day…
“Are you home yet?”
‘Yeah, we’re home.’
“How was your trip?”
‘It was ok. Last night I hurt my back. I turned the wrong way. HUSH!! I got a catch in it. At first, I tried to walk it off. I took Gunner for a short walk across the gravel road from our camper. I couldn’t stand up straight and I could hardly move. Clint and Chase were laughing at me because I couldn’t make it back to the camper. Mind you, I was only across the road. I kept trying to take a step but couldn’t. They thought they were funny by saying… Be home by dinner. Ha. I made it back to the camper and laid down on the floor. I thought that would help. It didn’t. I had to call Clint on his phone and have him come inside and help me up. I’m telling you… My pain level was a 12! Clint and Chase are still laughing at me. My friend, Flo, she was the only one who felt sorry for me. She was outside the door asking if she should call 911. NO!! I don’t need 911!! Haha! I ended up taking a muscle relaxer.’
“I’m sorry you hurt your back. Are you feeling better?”
‘It still hurts a little’
“Maybe you should go to the hospital and get it checked out.”
‘And tell them I turned my body to the right?? Ha! Nah… I’ll be alright. What did you guys do today?’
“We cooked out. Are you sure you are, okay? Maybe it’s a disc issue.”
‘I can sit just fine. Walking is the problem and bending. I was letting Gunner out the door, turned my body just a little to the right and something went out. I seriously dropped to my knees. I am sitting on a massage chair now. It has helped. Are the kids still home?’
“No. They left about noon. The cat is still here. I have slept most of the afternoon. I guess I am tired. I miss her.”
‘I think you own a cat now (Smiley face). Well, did you cry?’
“Yes, I cried. I am such a cry baby. It will never get better.”
‘Yes, it will. Okay, here is what your weekends will be like… Happiness and excitement because they are home. Followed by, oh no look at the mess they made to my clean house. You are okay with it because they are home. Then you are like… Do I feel like I need to entertain them?? I never had to do that before. What do we do? Now… The weekend is over, and you are sad. And that my friend, is only when they come home. When you go and visit them… You are happy to see them, but don’t necessarily want to see their new life and new home. You feel it would be a lot nicer if it was here in our town. And you probably don’t want to hear about all the new places they shop or about their family outings or new friends. While you are thinking all of this, you remember you just want to spend time with them. And then… The weekend is over. Hahaha.’
“LOL. Yes, to all of it. It’s just hard.”
‘It will get better, I promise. This stuff only happens at the beginning.’
“I know. I am ok. I know what you mean by seeing pictures with her new family.”
Later that evening…
‘Hey, I have been talking to Stacey about what to wear tomorrow for open house. That girl cracks me up! I will forward you our conversation just in case you need a laugh.’
“Ok.”
‘Me… What did we do last year? I really don’t want to dress up. It’s too hot. I feel wearing nice shorts would be good for me. What do you think?
(We have this conversation every year on what to wear to preschool open house. You would think we would have this figured out by now.)
Stacey… I don’t remember what we wore last year. I wanted to look slutty, but I think nice shorts and our preschool shirt sounds perfect. Lol.’
“OMG. You guys are funny. So, we are wearing nice shorts?? Lol”
‘Yes, nice shorts and our preschool shirt. That is, unless you want to dress slutty, then go ahead.’
“Yes, because I have the boobs for that??!! Lol.”
‘Yes, you do. I’m sure Kathy would love it if we all dressed slutty. Haha. I just hope I will be able to get out of the Jeep tomorrow.’
“Can you drive? You don’t have to come if you can’t move. I can do open house by myself.”
‘I’m sure I can drive. I really need to move my body. I may just look like I’m a hundred years old while greeting all the parents. Haha. Oh shoot! We are going to miss The Bachelor finale.’
“Oh no! That will suck.”
We had our first open house on Tuesday morning, and not a single one of us dressed like a slut. We all looked nice and very professional. As for my back… It was fine and I was feeling normal. Laura talked briefly about her cancer and the journey she was on. She informed the parents that there will be times she will have to miss work and if needed she may have to wear a mask. Everyone understood and wished her well.
After open house, Laura and I went to the Social Security office. The final steps for disability had to be done. Was she eager about it? No. She was quiet the entire time. Soon, it was her turn. She had me walk up to the desk with her. She handed the lady her paperwork and answered a few questions. The process didn’t take anywhere as long as what we expected. I’m sure that has to do with all the previous paperwork already sent in. Within minutes, Laura was approved and we were out the door. I remember the look on her face. It was like a big relief came over her. Her once stiffened body seemed to relax.
“Well, I guess I am on disability now.”
‘Yeah Laura, I guess so.’
The drive back to my Jeep was the same as the drive there. Quiet. She dropped me off and said with just a hint of a smile… “I’m glad this is over with.”
As I pulled into my driveway, my phone goes off…
“Thanks for going with me today.”
‘You’re welcome.’
“I haven’t said anything to anyone.”
‘Did you stay up at work?’
“Yes. I am printing off some worksheets.”
I knew this day was a hard day for Laura. I could tell by her actions. I kept quiet and so did she. I honored her wishes and never said a word. She can tell the others whenever she is ready.
We had our second open house that evening and Laura acted like nothing had changed. When everyone left, she returned to being quiet.
8:30 P.M….
“Thanks again, for going with me today. Love you.”
‘You had a very long day. Me too! Ha! Keep your Faith. God will show you the reasons why. We have to keep being the people He wants us to be. Remember… We are supposed to be learning something from all of this. I’m sorry you have to do this. I know how hard it is for you. Keep your head up and focus on the now. This school year will be fun.’
“I know. Just a day. A hard day. I have to let it go.”
‘Let’s change the subject. Stacey and I are going to trade our Royals tickets for the 15th. It says on their updated schedule, it’s supposed to be the breast cancer night. Do you and David want to go? If so, we can get your tickets.’
“Ok. I will let you know. I know, I will go for sure.”
‘It will be fun. I already asked Luisa. We can ask the other girls too.’
Wednesday, September 7th, 2016. Chemo day…
“Ok, I am not prepared for today’s message. I can’t work the night before and expect to have creative words to say the next morning. Just try and remember back to that time I sent you 2 chemo day messages in one day. Ha! Maybe today, I will talk about me. Anymore, I hate the nighttime. There is a window of time between 2 and 3 A.M. that I am awake. As soon as I wake up, I have this uneasiness. I guess I am back to worrying about anything and everything. I’m letting that stuff that people say and do get inside of me. I don’t like it. I don’t like how it makes me feel. So, I pray. I fall asleep and then morning comes, and I am ready to try all this again. I try not to let people get to me. I really do. You know… Sometimes it sucks being a good person. I’m sure it is easier to care only about yourself. Why do people get to me? I don’t know. I wish everyone could just be kind. I guess I will keep trying to see the world through different eyes and not let so much get to me. Sometimes it is tough. I guess this pep talk was for me today, instead of you. Have a good day.’
“Debbie, you are a good person. Be who you are and let the others be who they are. We can’t change them. We have to be who God made us to be. All is good here. I will be having scans done the week of September 23rd. The doctor said I could go to Vegas. All is going to be good. Keep that faith. Keep praying and keep believing.”
‘What did he say about your lungs?’
“He said they sound the same.”
2:40 P.M…
‘I have a story to tell you. There are times in your life when you know you have done a good job. Times when you know you have raised good kids. Chase is such a good guy. He has always had a good heart. When this kid was young, he had to deal with my mom being sick. One time when my mom was in the hospital, we all went up to see her. She was pretty bad. Brandi was upset and crying when we left her room. She took off walking down the hall ahead of us. Chase walked up to her, didn’t say a word, just put his arm around her and walked with her. I knew then he had a special heart. Chase is the guy his friends always come to for an understanding ear. He has listened to me many times as well. He was telling me about his buddy getting married and how they are paying for everything themselves. They don’t have much family, and what family they do have can’t afford the rehearsal dinner. They invited anyone who wanted to come to dinner with them, they could. But they informed everyone they would have to pay for themselves. Chase said, there was a big argument with the family and some usher backed out of the wedding because of it. So sad. Last night at the rehearsal dinner, their car broke down. Chase asked Clint if he would help him get it home and talk him through on how to fix it. Right now, he is out in the driveway working on it for them. These kids didn’t ask Chase for his help. He did this all on his own. He said, Mom, they are having a hard time. I just want to help them out. This morning, he asked me what the proper amount of cash is to give them for their wedding gift. I said, you are young, thirty or forty dollars would be good. He said… Okay, I will give them a 100. I’m a proud momma right now.’
“Wow. He is a great young man. I am so moved by that story. You have raised a good young man. You should be proud.”
Saturday, September 10th…
“It’s your birthday, Deb. Happy Birthday. Have a great day and enjoy your trip.”
‘Thanks, I will.’
“How can a person have so much energy one day, and the next you have none? Like none. It is crazy. I do something and then I sit down. I won’t be doing any shopping today. Maybe a Sonic drink, I don’t know.”
‘Because it’s your normal Saturday after chemo. Go with it. Don’t fight it. Monday will better, you know it will.’
“I know. It still sucks.”
‘Get a chair and sit on the porch. Soak up some sun. Come on Laura, find your good. If you focus on what you can’t do and your lack of energy, it will make things worse. It amplifies if you let it in. Find something simple to do while resting. You could make notes for our book or look on your computer. Calm the storm before it hits.’
“I know. I need a drink. Lol. It does make me feel better to get out. I just want to get a few things done.”
‘Go for a drive. Don’t worry about getting things done. I can help you when I get home. So how are you doing, otherwise?’
“I’m doing ok.”
A few hours later she texted again…
“My sister came by and ran the vacuum for me.”
‘That’s good.’
“How’s the weather where you are at?”
‘The weather is perfect. Clint and I slept at the lease cabin out in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid some crazed person might come in. Haha.’
“Have you talked to Stacey about work? I think people are upset with me that I am only doing preschool.”
‘She said you need to take care of yourself.’
“I will probably have a long night. I have been coughing all day. I should be used to this, but I’m not.”
‘I know. Try to think positive. My phone will be on as usual.’
“Ok. Thanks. I’m sure I have great stomach muscles from coughing so much. Lol.”
‘What else have you been doing?’
“Sitting and sleeping. That’s it.”
‘I got some more information on my sister-in-law’s mom. She has stage 4 ovarian cancer that has spread to her back and other areas. The chemo she receives, works. The cancer goes away and when it comes back, she does chemo again. They said her cancer was pretty bad. I guess she has had these reoccurrences for years. The medicine is working, and she is doing great. See?”
She didn’t answer me until the next morning.
“Thank you for the info. I tried to go to church this morning but got sick to my stomach. So, I went back to bed. I am up now. Just sore and tired.”
‘Hang in there. You will feel better tonight.’
“Yep. I hope so.”
‘I saw two cardinals today. They flew right in front of me. It sure has been a while.’
“Maybe that’s a good sign.”
‘A good sign for a good year.’
Summer was officially over and it’s now the first day of preschool. Laura was excited and ready to start her day. If you have ever taught school, then you know first days are hard. They are exhausting for those of us who are in perfect health. I can only imagine how it must feel to a person with cancer. Imagine what a struggle it is for any cancer patient who must deal with the side effects from chemo and still manage to work. From everything I have seen from Laura, they get tired much easier than any of us would.
Laura was at that point. I could tell shortly before our day was over that she was beat. She managed to push thru it like she always would, and I picked up the slack when I knew she needed a break.
‘You sit over here and rest. I will put everything else away.’
I gathered our papers and switched out our folders then set up our room for the new day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we have a different group of kids. Sometimes, day two is just as rough as day one. I finished up and locked our cabinets. Soon, we were out the door.
‘Why don’t you go home and rest. You look tired.’
“I will. Let’s go get some lunch, first.”
‘Are you sure?’
“Yes. I’ll meet you at Culver’s.”
Laura gave me a birthday gift right after we left the building. She opened her car door and handed me a package. Inside, was a really neat rustic frame. In the frame, was a picture of a bird sitting on top of an old doorknob. At the bottom, the words of Psalm 91:4. ~ He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge. ~ Wow. It took me back to that night… ‘Look up Psalm 91, Laura. It helps me, maybe it will help you.’ Thanks, Laura. I keep it on my bedside table. I look at it every night.
While we were at lunch, Laura told me she turned in her keys. I asked her what she meant. She said she turned in her keys to the daycare. Oh boy! I’m guessing they are the keys to anything being a boss would have. I didn’t go there. I didn’t want to. I knew that couldn’t have been easy. In Laura’s world, she just stepped down from the most important thing she loved.
I quickly changed the subject because I wasn’t sure if she would end up in tears. Right now, Laura has had a rough couple of weeks. Chemo, disability, and stepping down from her job. Right now, Laura has lost who Laura was.
The next day she sent me a quote. Underneath she wrote… “Staying positive.”
The quote read…
~ It doesn’t matter what’s been written in your story so far. It’s how you fill up the rest of the pages that counts. ~ Author unknown.
‘That’s good. I’m at Target talking to your daughter right now.’
“You are? How is she? Does she have the kids with her?”
‘She is good. Yes, she has the kids.’
“I miss them. Take a picture for me.”
‘Hold on and I’ll send it.’
“Love it! Thank you.”
‘I’m home now. How are you feeling?’
“Very tired. Resting.”
‘I’m tired, so you must be beat. What time is your chemo tomorrow?’
“My appointment is at 10.”
‘I want you to think about something, okay? If preschool is too much, I want you to back out of it. You could cut back to a couple of days a week. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. I know the beginning of any school year is tough. If you want to wait until things settle down with the kids and they get in a routine, then do it. I got it. I will be fine. If it’s too hard to be here every day and deal with 4- & 5-year-olds, then you can do all the preparing and planning. That is something you can do from home and still be a part of it. I can do the rest. Please, don’t push yourself.’
“I am doing ok. I will be fine. I did too much today, cooking and so on. All is good.”
‘You better let me know if it’s not.’
“I will. I am getting ready to type up my list of things for our care packages. Let me send you what I have, then you can help with the rest. Get your thinking cap on. This is our first writing experience for our purpose.”
‘Oh boy!’
“Yep. We are in this together.”
When Laura and I met for lunch. We sat down at a table with a pen and paper between us. We made notes on what we wanted to put in our care packages and what donations we needed. We made our list and talked about what we needed to send home to the parents. We had everything figured out except our letter for our bags. I told her to go home and come up with something personal that she wanted to say. She could write the first part of our letter and I would write the last. She sent me a picture of her rough draft. We still use her words today.
“Okay, here we go. Don’t laugh. I am not a writer, ok.”
She sent me two pictures she had taken of her computer.
‘I love it! You did good. It made me a little teary. I’m proud of you.’
“Are you sure it sounds, okay? I am not a writer. It gets jumbled in my head. I can say it, but not write it.”
‘Don’t change a thing. It’s perfect. I like the way you said it. It’s like a mission. The message is so strong. It comes from your heart. They are your words. There is no greater gift.’
“Now we need your ending sign off.”
‘I got it. Hold on. Let me put it together. These are just my notes. You can tweak it if you want it long or shorter.’
I sent her what I had.
“That is very good.”
‘Hold on. I don’t like it just yet. I need to come up with a better ending. Give me a minute.’
“Did you send it? Is it stuck in cyber space? Lol.”
‘Ha. Ha. Ha. Give me a minute. It takes me a while to write. Look how long it takes me to come up with those dang chemo day messages. Just give me a second. I’ll have it. Let me think.’
“OMG. Really?? This book will take you a lifetime to write. Lol.”
‘You know what, Laura… Shut it! Hey, I’ve already written the book. It is in those 90 pages of chemo day messages you won’t let me erase. I just have to put it to paper. Haha.’
“Well, you better get busy with it.”
A few minutes later, I finished it. I sent Laura, the final ending.
“Love it. It sums it up perfectly. Together. Remember?”
‘If we are going to use this ending for our care packages, then I think I am going to use these same words to end our book.’
“Yes, sounds good. We have a cover to the book and an ending. Pretty good for 3 weeks.”
‘Yes, it is. We have a title and a picture. I have the first sentence and now the ending. We just need the middle.’
“We are getting there. Guess what? I got my pay stub in my email.”
‘What does that mean? Is that something different?’
“I normally get direct deposit.”
‘Was it the $800?’
“No. Lol. 200 and something. Remember, I can only make $800 a month on disability. We get paid bi-weekly.”
‘Well, welcome to Stacey and I’s world!’
“Hey, I was there a few years ago. Like 12 years ago. Lol.”
‘Money isn’t everything.’
“No, it’s not. Never had any. Never will.”
‘Go to bed, Laura. It’s late. You have chemo tomorrow.’