Living Through Cancer

Chapter 42

Sunday, July 3rd, 2016…

‘My vacation is over.  We are home.’

“So is mine.  On our way home.”

‘Be careful and have a happy Fourth.’

“Thanks, you too.”

  Our two-week vacation was over, and Brandi and the pup had left for home.  It was so nice to have this time together and just have fun.  From all the pictures and messages, it looks like Laura and the girls needed their together time too.  Getting away was good for everyone. 

I checked in early Tuesday afternoon…    

  ‘Did you all make it home yet?’

“Yes, we got home last night.”

‘Did you have a good time on your trip?’

“Yes, we did.  It was the perfect amount of time and a much-needed trip.  Come by work later and visit with me and Luisa.  The girls and I will be there to pick up the kids.”

‘Ok, I’ll see what I can do.’

  I went by work a little after 3.  You could hear the laughter and the chatter coming from the office.  When I walked in, you couldn’t help but notice the sun kissed tans on their arms and faces.  There is something about getting away that can do so much good.  Laura looked healthy.  She looked happy.  And from what I was told… It was a very relaxing trip.  This impromptu trip to the beach was the perfect kind of pick-me-up that this family needed.   

  ‘Good Lord, Laura, what happened to your feet?’

Laura’s feet and ankles were so sunburnt you could see the swelling up into her legs.  She giggled and laughed… “It’s okay, it was worth it.”  Amanda said she spent every moment she could sitting (and napping) in the sun.  She didn’t care if she got sunburnt.  Laura was in her happy place and that was all that mattered.

6:30 P.M. text from Amanda…

  “Hopefully Mom isn’t upset that I recommended that she see another doctor.  I just think we should try some alternative methods too.  It was great seeing you today.”

‘I don’t think she was.  I think she should go and check it out.  Question… So, if an opening comes up in another clinical trial, does she still have the opportunity to get in?’

“Yes.  She could be in the other trial, but it doesn’t open for another six weeks.”

‘I see.  She looks so good.  I haven’t seen her for almost 3 weeks.  She looks good and sounds so much better.’

  I don’t remember a whole lot of what we talked about that day.  We talked about their trip and looked up songs for the wedding.  There was only a short conversation about… What comes next.  During that conversation, there were a lot of tears.  There’s not much you can say when no one knows the answers.  None of this seems fair. 

Maybe getting another opinion would be good.  But… That other opinion we thought we already got. 

9:30 that night…

  ‘I’m choosing to believe.  Every single time I have asked for an answer, I received some kind of sign.  I just shared the story about the Bible being open to Psalm 91 with our camping friends.  I told them some of the other things that has happened to me.  Don’t stop believing.  I believe God is speaking to us all.  Don’t listen to the things you tell yourself when you are sad and alone.  God will talk to you.  Listen to Him.  Do like you did on vacation.  Focus on the moment you are in.  Focus on your girls.  It was nice for me to get away.  I enjoyed my time with my kids.  I needed that more than they know.  I guess miles apart really doesn’t keep you apart.  Now does it.  Not when the foundation is there.  They still need us and want to be with us.  Pretty cool.  Brandi got teary one night and wouldn’t tell us why.  I told Clint; I think she just needed some time with us.  Being together is what matters in life.  Not the ants or all the problems.  When everything was going wrong, it would have been so easy to just turn around and go home.  At one point, I wanted to.  But deep in my heart, I heard… Are you going to let the troubles win or are you going to go on and enjoy yourself?  The ants didn’t matter.  The leak didn’t matter.  All the troubles seem so minor because the joy we had was greater.  I love you, friend.  I care about you.  Please don’t be sad.  Find that happy again.  I’m glad we are all friends.  Hope you have a good night.’

  At 11:30 she answered that text…

  “Thanks for the talk today and just now.  I had my phone on the charger.  I am not giving up.  I never thought of how long I could live.  I just thought it would go away and everything would be ok.  Then I looked it up.  It scared me.  But I am going to be ok.  God has a plan.  I know He does.  I can do this.  I am feeling good.  I have a positive outlook.  No more bumps like last time.  Thanks for everything.  Love you.”

  I guess that sums up what that conversation in the office must have been.  Another one of those… ‘What ifs.’

   “You’re right, Laura.  You got this.  You just need to listen more to yourself.  99% of the time, the words that come out of your mouth are all positive.  Over the past 20 months, I’ve heard you say… “I got this.  I am going to be ok.  I can do this.”  You say it all the time.  This is something deep in your heart, not just words rolling off your tongue.  Another thing I thought about, maybe it’s not so much that we are the ones who need to be learning something, maybe it’s… What are we supposed to be teaching??  What is it that you are showing others?’

 We didn’t talk anymore about any future plans.  Right now, there wasn’t any.  I scrolled through several of our texts to see if anything else was said.  There was nothing.  There was talk about Luisa’s vacation, a mission trip, and a crazy conversation about getting a new job.  I laughed when Luisa suggested we all become school bus drivers.  Laura’s comment… “Could you see us as bus drivers.  Lol.”   This is the type of silly stuff we talk about.  No mention of cancer and no mention of her last scans.  As for now, life is kind of normal.  It’s weird.  I don’t think any of us know how to feel.   

  Laura will continue to receive regular chemo treatments until she finds out if she qualifies for the other trial.  Her focus now is on the upcoming wedding.  It’s only a few weeks away. 

  “What are you doing?”

‘We just got back home from having dinner with Clint’s brother and sister-in-law.  What’s up?’

“Just resting.”

‘Did you go into work at all?’

“No.  Watched the kids.  Amanda worked a half day.”

‘Oh yeah, I remember you saying that.’

“Please don’t tell the girls.  Running a fever.  I will be ok.  Please don’t tell them.  Just need to rest.”

‘I won’t say anything.  You know what to do.  Your immune system should still be up.  Are you feeling bad?  How high is your temperature?’

“Just tired.  101.”

‘Did your chemo treatment go okay?  Are your ankles still swollen?  You could have sun poisoning.’

“Chemo ok.  No on ankles.  Could of, I guess.  Lol.”

‘Take care of yourself.’

“I will.”

‘A red cardinal came to visit me last night while I was sitting on the porch.’

“Yay.  We need that.”

Friday afternoon…

  ‘Are you feeling any better?’

“Yes.  Still had a fever this morning.  Rested all morning.  Going into work for a little bit.”

  I didn’t talk to her much that day.  Later that evening, she sent me a text…

“How was your day?”

‘Frustrating.’

“Ok.  Why frustrating?”

‘On a roll with stuff going wrong.’

“Like what?  Spill it.”

‘My computer keeps going blank.  Printer won’t work.  The big thing is… There is a leak somewhere between the ceiling and the roof in our camper.  Clint started looking deeper into where the ants were and found some major water damage.  It looks like the manufacture didn’t seal a certain area just right.’

“Oh no.  Not good news.  Keep positive.  Think about the beach.  Don’t hit your computer.  Never good.”

‘I thought about it.’

“I’m pretty good at it. Lol.”

‘How was work?’

“It was ok.”

‘Well Clint just came in and said… Who knows how long this has been leaking??  It’s not something new.  He said it has been a slow leak.  I guess that explains the water we had leaking a while back.  We thought we fixed that problem.  Who knows what was causing it?  It just makes me sad.  I love our little camper.  On the flip side… We got the hail damage fixed on the truck and a new topper.  On the downside… We have to buy new tires.  Oh well.  Are you still running a fever?’

“No.  Sorry about your camper.”

Sunday evening…

  “If you are not busy Monday and Tuesday afternoon, I might need your help at work.”

‘I should be able to.  Are you not feeling good?’

“Not the greatest.”

‘What do you feel like?  Same as usual?’

“Yes.  Taste.  Poop problems.  Tired.  Can’t find anything to drink.”

‘Sorry.’

“It’s ok.”

‘Clint found a program online that saves all your text messages from your phone.  I said… Well, it’s a little late now.  Haha.  Laura needed that about a year ago.’

“Yes, I did.  Lol.”

Monday afternoon…

  ‘What time are you going to be at work?  Let me know what time you need me there.’

“All is good for today.  Just stay home and rest.”

An hour later…

“Are you mad?  I am doing good.”

‘No.  Why would I be mad?’

“I don’t know.  Lol.”

‘I’m fine.  Just trying to deal with all these problems.’

“Don’t get yourself down, Deb.  You hear me?”

Two hours later…

 “You didn’t answer me.”

‘I’m fine and I won’t.  Yes, Laura, I hear you.’

“How does it feel?”

‘How does what feel?’

“You know what I mean.  How does it feel having someone checking in on you, making sure you are doing what you are supposed to do?”

‘Hahahahaha!  You’re funny.  I don’t even know what to say.’

“Gotcha.  Lol.”

‘Flip that… How does it feel to have a friend who is quiet?’

“I know.  Sometimes quiet is good.”

‘So, I guess you ARE feeling better.’

“Yes, feeling much better.”

  I guess I didn’t know that Amanda had set up an appointment that day for them to meet with the alternative doctor.  The one that specializes in a more natural approach.  Amanda sent me a text letting me know how it went.

  “The lady recommended a place in Arizona on natural healing.  She gave Mom a juice recipe and a supplement as well as a coffee enema routine.”

‘I didn’t know you were going today.  Was your mom receptive?  Did you like this lady?’

“She was.  She said she was willing to try.  Mom said she wanted to see what Austin’s uncle had to offer and MD Anderson in Houston.  This doctor said she really needed to get herself stronger first.  The place in Arizona sounds awesome.  She would have to be there a couple of months.  It sounds great, like I could get my mom back again.  It is an alternative cancer treatment center.”

‘Well, that’s good.  It’s very pretty in Arizona.  So, Austin’s uncle has connections too?  I have not heard about that.’

“Yes, but those are all medical options.  She is so weak that I am afraid a lot more chemo won’t give her the quality of life she wants.  All I want is for my mom to live.  I want her to be here.  I am waiting for them to call me back.”

A couple of hours later…

  “They just called.  They are going to send me some more information.  They said she could come right after the wedding on August 8th.  She can call and talk with them herself.  They said she would be there for 6 weeks.  It will cost around $45,000.  I don’t think insurance will cover much though.”

‘Have you gotten any vibes from your mom yet?’

“No, not yet.  She said she wants to do something different, and she will fight to live.”

  My text to Laura…

‘I heard you went and saw the natural doc.  How did that go?’

“Ok.  Going to try a few things.”

That was all that was said.

Tuesday afternoon…

  “Thanks for stopping by and helping me at work.  It was good to see you.”

‘Sure.  Not a problem.  I didn’t know you were working a full long day.  You should have said something earlier, so I could have helped.  It was good to visit ‘a little’ with you too.  Emphasis on ‘a little’.  I guess I wasn’t too talkative, sorry.  Maybe this is just the new me.  Nah!  Doubt that!  Haha.  We will have to do lunch some day soon before you get too busy with work and the wedding.’

“Yes, we will.”

  Wednesday morning.  Chemo day…

“What are you doing?  No pep talk today??  Get out of your funk!  I need you.”

‘Hahaha.  I was just going to send you a text saying… If I don’t send you a chemo day message you are going to think something is really wrong.  I guess you do.’

“Get up!  Everything is going to be fine.  Remember you and Clint have each other to lean on.  Don’t worry what is going on with all that stuff.  Trailer. Truck. Jeep.  You have each other.  Hell, you could be where I am at.  Everything will work out.  You have got to believe and have faith.  You can do this.  Look around you.  There are people that have a whole lot of problems going on.  Put your smile on your face and get your mind focused.”

  A couple of minutes later…

“I might have been a little rough.  Sorry.”

‘HELLLOOO!!!  You think???  What kind of stuff are they giving you?  I am fine.  I know all of this will be okay.  I’m really not worrying about it that much.  I am just quiet.  Even if I DID want to have a shitty day or week (haha) well, you ruin that for me anyway because your life sucks a whole lot bigger.  Look at you… Cussing and everything.  Holy moly!’

“I don’t think my life is any different, better or worse than anyone.  Just don’t like you quiet.  You can have a shitty day.  I just want you happy again.” 

  Exactly 13 minutes later…

“So now you are not talking to me.”

‘Good Lord, Laura.  I didn’t know these pep talks mattered.  Ha.  You don’t need a pep talk.  You just have to listen to the Big man upstairs.  Yeah, I prayed about you (about my problems too).  Yes, I was having some bad luck.  Right after that, I saw a cardinal, 2 feathers and heard my song.  To top it off, yesterday I heard that song you like… Jesus Take the Wheel.  This morning, I see this online… (I sent a picture of the ocean with the words… ~Meanwhile these three remain: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:13). ~  What started all these pep talks from the get-go.  You are going to be fine.’

“That is a good one.  I don’t know how this got started.  We were all scared and looking for answers.”

‘And what if I have writers block, anyways.  I know what started these pep talks, it was that necklace.  Telling people all my secrets.  Ha!  And what is this… ‘You don’t think your life is better or worse than anyone’ stuff coming from?’

“It’s just life.  I look around and there are more people that are worse off than me.”

‘Yes, there are.  Who is with you today?’

“Rachel.  Phil is low.”

‘Too low to get chemo?’

“No, they gave it to me.  I have to get a shot tomorrow.”

  It weird how all this friendship stuff works.  Sometimes you feel bad for having a bad day.  And why is it that the one who has it worse off is the one who can always make your day better.  Sometimes, a person can feel guilty for complaining about such minor stuff.  Laura… Sure she has her down moments, but to her, this is just life.  In her heart, she feels so blessed.  There are so many people who have it much worse than she does.  That’s her mindset.

  A few days later I sent this text…

“Sorry, I have been so quiet.  I am coming back around.  I know it is something you probably don’t understand (nobody probably will) but having the water problems with my camper reminded me of a similar sequence of events that caused my depression.  I went back to that time when all of that happened.  I let fear sink in.  I really don’t want to go there again.  That time in my life changed me.  I was afraid all of this would trigger those emotions again.  I thank God it didn’t.  Earlier this week, I was awake in the middle of the night.  Clint and I talked until 3 A.M.  I think I finally figured out why I went into that depression.  I told Clint… My whole life I could always figure out ‘the why’ on the things that has happened.  I could always see how it worked out.  I could, except for this time period.  When I was depressed, I prayed so hard.  I felt I never heard from God.  Inside, I felt like I had done something wrong.  That was 5 months of my life that I felt God had left me.  And to this day… I still don’t know the reason why.  God never showed me.  So, when all of this started happening again, the fear came.  To me, it is more than slipping back into some kind of depression.  I’m sorry that I have been quiet.  I know the stuff that has been going wrong is just stuff.  We always somehow make it through.  I’m okay.  I didn’t go there.  As for the camper… It’s not covered by insurance or our warranty, but Clint can fix it.  It will be alright.  Sorry again.’

“You are fine.  I understand.  I’m glad you didn’t go there.  I need you.  I am filling out some information for MD Anderson in Houston.  I just have a feeling this is where I need to go.  Had a couple of signs, myself.”

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