Chapter 19
The first day of preschool was set to start in the morning. Late that night, Laura sent me a text. She was worried about (as she put it) “stepping on people’s toes.” I knew what that meant. She hasn’t been back to work full time since her diagnosis.
Our preschool program follows the same schedule as our local school district. The only exception is, we start in September instead of August. We pretty much follow the same time frame as regular school. Preschool starts in September and ends in May. When Laura was diagnosed, she missed the latter half of our previous preschool year. She returned to work part time over the summer only in the daycare. Our daycare program is like any other, it operates year-round. It is usually around the start of preschool when everyone’s summer schedules return to a full schedule. Life was about to become busy once again. This would also be the first time that Laura would be stepping back into the classroom. A place where she loved.
I told her she was worrying about nothing. It was still her classroom, and everyone was happy to have her back. Laura and I team-teach the pre-k class. We work good together and always have. We compliment each other in our own teaching styles. She thinks of things that I don’t, and I throw in the things she forgets. We handle our classroom like a perfectly timed clock. We have the ability to explain things in a different manner, so each child in our classroom understands. The result of that makes our classroom work and our children succeed.
Laura was worried how the rest of the staff would react to her returning full time. I personally believe, she felt like returning would interfere in the routines that have taken place while she was gone. Laura wanted to be herself more than anything. She didn’t want to come back and step on any toes. This was something that bothered her a lot. No matter what I would say, it wasn’t going to change the way she felt.
I told her, ‘Stop thinking this way. Bounce your butt back in here and pick up where you left off. Nothing has changed. Everyone is happy that you are back.’ There wasn’t going to be much I could say that would change these feelings. She just needed to jump back in and see how normal it felt. I’m sure after a few days, these jitters would be a thing of the past.
Laura let it go and texted me about an hour later. She must have been doing a lot of thinking since our talk. This is how the text went…
“You know it’s been a long journey. A scary one with so many unknowns. So many setbacks. I made it! Thank you for being there and pushing me thru and talking and texting all hours of the night. Just being there for me. Thank you so much. Words cannot express what this means to me. We’re not done yet! LOL. You know, I was thinking, someone brought up Relay for Life. You were the only one that came besides family. Thank you so much. It means a lot!”
‘Yeah it is kind of weird thinking back. It does seem like a long time ago. You made it. Cool deal. You don’t need to thank me. You did the hard part. The sucky part. I was just the one God put in your path.’ “Not sucky. LOL. Glad you were there. Chemo is tomorrow. What do you think my counts will be?” ‘Oh Laura, I’m going with a high number 2.0 Ha! From .2 to 2.0. We will see. Now go to sleep. Some people have to work you know.’ “Ok, thanks. I’ll let you know about my counts. LOL. Maybe I will text you at 4 A.M.”
Oh, Good Lord, I hope not! It wouldn’t surprise me if she did.
Chemo day.
I don’t think anyone is expecting Laura to receive her treatment. I don’t think there was enough time for her body to heal. The last time her numbers were pretty low. My guess for today was 2.0. Imagine that! I was right. Here we go again with another setback. No chemo today. Laura said her numbers were 2.0 and .9 I questioned her by saying, ‘2.0 I thought that was okay??’ From what Laura told me, it needs to be 4.0. Phil needs to be 2.0. Good grief, I can’t keep up with all these numbers. I know well enough, that neither one of them sound good. I said to Laura, ‘At this rate it will take you months to get to 4.0!’
She has to be discouraged. The struggle to get there is so hard. Before I left for work that morning, I went ahead and sent her a chemo message. I didn’t think she would get her treatment. I sent it because I thought it was something she needed to hear. It has been awhile since I have sent one. We’ll see if this helps…
‘It’s down to the last two chemo treatments and all I can think of to say is… Don’t be scared. I have come to know you well enough, that when chemo treatments stop, you will start to question things. You have spent the last 10 months working on, leaning on, and trusting in… Faith. And soon you will be solely dependent on that faith that God was instilling in you. It’s like taking the first steps all over again.
I spent the morning thinking… What am I going to say for today? I was looking at the necklace I keep in my pocket. I remembered back to the day I gave you one. I told you, when I get scared, I hang onto it. It has helped me ever since I was a little girl. I sat here thinking about what it symbolizes…
Faith, Hope & Love. I looked it up again. I wanted to read exactly what it said. I wanted to hear the message that it would give me, to understand what it represents. We know Faith is confidence or trust. And Hope is expectation. Then there is Love. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and never fails.
Hmmm… What I carry in my pocket. What it represents. No wonder it always works for me. Don’t be scared When you do, hang on to it. Think about what it means. What it represents. And how to live your life.
So my chemo day message to you is this… I hope you live your life with Faith. The kind of faith God has been teaching you. And always, always, always in every area of your life, have Hope. Expecting it all! And last… You know the most important. That you spend your life showing Love. Because what you put out always comes back to you. That’s it. That’s all I got.’
With Laura’s counts so low, the clinic’s orders were… You can only work part time. This didn’t make Laura very happy. But like I told her, it will only be until the end of the month.
Laura called me on her way home. She was mad, she was frustrated, and she wanted to vent. We talked about the appointment, about work and what the nurse practitioner said. I tried to remind her the key part of what I heard… That this would only be for a couple of weeks. She really didn’t want to hear anything logical that I had to say. She just wanted to be mad. That’s when I called her a stubborn ass.
I sent her a text a few hours later. I said, ‘Do you still like me?’ Her answer was, “Yes” followed by a bunch of palm trees and smiley faces. I said it to her again, “You can make it until the end of the month. Everything will be okay.’ Laura didn’t want to talk about it. I sent her another text saying, ‘By the way, I will be there on Friday.’ Oh look! Now all of a sudden, she wants to talk.
Clint and I had plans to go out of town. I was going to take Friday off so we could leave early. Our plans were to spend the weekend camping at the lake. The campground we would be staying at was about an hour and a half away from home. I felt Clint could go ahead and leave Thursday night with our camper, and I would drive out Friday after work. We were camping with some friends that Clint used to work with. One of the guys was going out the same time as Clint. His wife had to work on Friday, so she would be doing the same thing. I didn’t feel I would be missing out on anything, and Clint understood I had to do what was best. The problem was… Telling Laura. I knew this would be another thing that would make her pissed.
Laura answered my text with… “It’s because of me. You think I can’t do it. Don’t come in because of me.” I told her I didn’t mind. I told her what I had just told you. ‘Clint and his buddy would be visiting, so I would be sitting by myself. Anyways, that way we don’t have to worry about our class. Okay?’ “That’s not the point. What about our deal?” ‘The deal that I wouldn’t move to that island???’ “No. No! The deal was for you to stay this year and take off whenever you wanted. That was the deal.”
I wasn’t going to return to work this year. Clint had retired, so I was soon to follow. When Laura was diagnosed with her cancer, I decided to stay for another year. I felt it in my heart that it was the best thing to do. My bosses knew what my original plan was, so they made this deal with me… I could take off any time I wanted. I was encouraged to enjoy my time with Clint. We were supposed to be doing things retired people do.
I assured everyone that it was fine for me to work on Friday. I would be more than happy to help. I even apologized to Laura. ‘I know what deal you’re talking about. Believe me, I’m okay with this. I’m sorry I called you a stubborn ass. That wasn’t a nice thing to say to your boss OR your friend. I’m also sorry for being so blunt.’ “You are fine. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Just be you. Thank you.” ‘You ARE stubborn, just so you know.’ “Why am I stubborn?’ ‘You know why, and you know what. It’s okay to put yourself first once in a while.’ “I know. Everything will be okay. Believe me.”
I don’t know how she does it. Every time her life starts to return to normal, there’s another setback. Laura didn’t want to work part time. She wanted to be back every day. All day! This was hard on her. I mean… This was very, very hard on her. Her frustrations were way up high.
She did what the clinic ordered, even though in her heart she didn’t want to. The girls at work, they understood. They just wanted her healthy and well. But in Laura’s mind, she was tired of cancer. She was tired of the hold it had on her. She wanted her life back and she wanted it back now!
Laura had a heart for stories of struggle. Ones she would hear about on the radio or see on TV. She told me about a young man she saw on the news. He was this news channel’s, ‘Person of the Week’.
This young man lost his sight to cancer. But that didn’t stop him or his love for football. The way Laura explained it to me was… This was a dream of his. He would do anything to play the sport. The High School he attended made that dream come true. The football team made him the ball holder. He held the ball for the kicker at the start of each game. I don’t know much about football, but I know most kickers when kicking off, use something called a tee. I’m guessing they made this a position just for him.
Laura said, “He’s attending College now.” With enthusiasm she said, “He is still playing football! Cancer didn’t stop him!! Now, that is living life! One day at a time. Never giving up! Life is so Good.”
Stories like this one, kept Laura’s life in perspective. I don’t ever remember a day where she felt sorry for herself. She was always sending me messages saying, “Life is Good. Be happy because happiness is so important.” She didn’t just say it, she lived it. She knew the meaning of true happiness. Boy, I sure envied that!
Even through sickness, Laura found joy!
The closer it got to chemo day, the more Laura didn’t feel well. That can only mean one thing… Her counts must be up! To this day I will never understand that.
Our conversation…
“You know, I will have chemo tomorrow. I am SO tired.” ‘You probably will. Ha!’ “I was going to say freaking tired. LOL” ‘You’re not going to feel like shit all the time. Meaning… When your counts go back to normal (okay, your normal). You are tired because your body has been working overtime to rebuild blood cells. Your body is trying to heal.’ “I hope I feel better. It’s so weird. So I was paying bills last night. I was on my computer. I can look at my tests from the hospital. My CT Scans are on there. So I read the results. Something on there concerned me.” ‘What?’ “Subcarinal lymph node measuring 1.0 cm. which report said stable from prior study.” ‘Stable is good. Quit reading more into stuff. Dr. R. has always been straight up with you. If there was a concern, he would have told you. Wouldn’t he?’ “Yes. Just wondering what that was.”
I didn’t answer for about 10 minutes. I didn’t know how to answer or what to say. ‘Hey, you promised you would never lie to me. You’re not keeping something from me, are you? You know… Not saying anything so you wouldn’t be lying.’ “I’m not lying. I have told you everything. I just read this last night. Tried to look it up. Couldn’t understand it. I didn’t know they were watching this. It was on the last one too.”
I got on my computer to see what I could find. Everything I read was so confusing. What I did read didn’t even relate to her kind of cancer. I finally found something that said… Anything up to 1.cm was normal. I decided not to read anymore. I told her to quit worrying and asked her again… ‘You wouldn’t keep something serious to yourself, would you?’ “No. I wouldn’t. I would tell you.”
This conversation just kind of ended like this. That last text came thru at 6:49. I don’t think either one of us wanted to talk about it. If there was something serious, I’m sure the Doctor would have said something. I told her to ask about it at her next appointment. We kind of left it at that.
Wednesday, September 23rd, 2015
Chemo Day
Today’s chemo message was more of an observation. I shared my thoughts on what I would feel.
‘It has been a long road. You should be proud of yourself. Your family is proud of you. Look around today. Take the time to look into the faces of others. Think about their fight and then think about everything you have been through. Think about the daily routines these Nurses and Doctors go through. Imagine their daily lives.’
Laura’s nurses are always happy to see you. They take the time to give a hug or share a smile. These nurses truly are Angels on earth. Many of them form friendships with their patients. They know about each other’s families, kids, and grandbabies. The relationships they form are genuine and sweet.
You know their job must be hard. In the back of their mind, they know some of their patients will make it and some won’t. And yet each day when you walk through that door, you are greeted with a smile and love in their heart. I have sat there and wondered about their difficult days. I know no way does it compare to mine. They understand heartache and pain firsthand. There hasn’t been a day yet, that I have been there that I haven’t seen a smile.
I think back to that day when I saw that man sitting alone. I know how scared I was, just sitting with Laura. Imagine being alone receiving chemo. You’re there for hours all by yourself. That’s why these nurses make it a point to listen and share a smile. Theirs, may be the only smile that patient sees that day.
A simple smile sends a message of hope.
Laura knew their importance. That’s why she was always giving back. Today’s treats were mini apple pies baked with love and care. The office staff and nurses truly love Laura. And Laura most definitely loved them.
The last thing I wrote in my chemo day message was…
‘Look around at that tiny cubicle that you have spent so much time in. What has that room taught you?’
Laura thought about these things and this past year. Life to her was different now. She was living more in the moment. And like we have talked about earlier… She was cherishing each day as if it was her last. She would say… “I want to laugh more, love more and live more.” Laura found joy in the simplest of things. I’ve received so many texts from her just talking about the sun. Example… “Yesterday morning on my way to Amanda’s. The sunrise was beautiful. Wish I could of taken a picture. I was driving. You would of killed me. LOL” That’s right Laura, I would have!
I guess I should explain here… I don’t care if you are my friend or my family. If you are texting me while driving, I’m going to be mad. I also don’t want ANYONE to be crying while they’re driving. Many of my friends and family have heard me say, ‘Are you driving? STOP CRYING AND DRIVING!!! Pull over if you’re going to cry.’ So, my response to her was, “You could have pulled over to take a pic.’
Laura writes about her family a lot. She cherishes every moment she has with them. I’ve read about new books and toys the grandkids got. Shopping trips with the girls to pick out new outfits. Visits with her mom and sisters. She even writes about the simple errands to the store with David. Most of those ended with dinner someplace out. She enjoyed this time, just the two of them.
These were the moments she treasured the most. Family meant everything. Laura understood how quickly your life can change. She wasn’t going to waste a single minute of her day. She found beauty in everything around her. Especially, in everyday life.
Laura received chemo that day. Her counts were up just like we predicted. She also asked about her scans. They said everything was fine.
The weeks are becoming more uneventful. Our talks are mostly about school and the kids. Second week chemo was soon upon us. This could possibly be Laura’s last and final treatment. Let’s hope it is!
As the time grew closer, she wasn’t getting any hopes up. Deep inside, she felt… No chemo again. It seems with this set of treatments, getting that follow-up week of chemo just doesn’t happen. Laura went ahead and prepared her treats. This time caramel chocolate pretzels and candied pecans. She walked through the clinic door with her tray and a smile.
Laura is quite a pro at this by now. The feeling she had was right. Lab work indicated once again her counts were too low. Laura’s text to me… “1.5 white cell and 0.4 phil. In the danger zone. Go figure!”
Good grief! I would imagine Laura’s immune system has to be worn out.
This visit Laura met with her new Doctor. She told me she liked him, instantly. Dr. M. told her what she was expecting to hear. Today, no chemo. He also told her NO returning to work! This set Laura back in her seat. She knew he wasn’t messing around.
Dr. M. explained to her what life will be like after the final chemo treatment. He wanted her on the schedule to be seen every three months. He explained the things to watch out for. Headaches that do not go away with over the counter medications, yellowing of the eyes, or pain in the lower stomach.
Because Laura’s cancer diagnosis is Triple Negative, any of these symptoms could indicate that the cancer has possibly spread. The most common places for it to travel would be to her liver, lungs, or brain. He wanted her to be aware of these signs and know what to look for. He couldn’t emphasize this more… If things don’t feel right and you don’t feel normal, come in. He would want to see her right away. ‘You know your body and how it works. If you get a simple cold or the flu, take the proper medications. If it doesn’t go away, then you need to call or come in.’ The Doctor finished up with… Scans will be done as needed. If there are any concerns… Call. We want to stay on top of this. We want to be proactive.
He told her to go home and rest. They would try again next week to get this last chemo in. Before she walked out the door, he said, ‘If for any reason you get a fever higher than 100.4, I want you to go straight to The Emergency Room.’ Laura knew he meant business, so she followed his orders and stayed home. Not returning to work at all this time, frustrated her more than anything! Believe me… I know!! I got to hear it all.
Lord, please be with me these next few weeks. I can almost always talk her through the side effects of chemo. The other side effect that no one hears about is called GUILT. That one, I can never help her through.
One of our conversations… ‘Are you mad?’ “Maybe. Well, you know me. Guilt.” ‘Laura, you can only really have guilt if you are in control of it. You can’t help that you are sick.’
Oh boy! Did that piss her off!! “I am not sick! I feel fine.” ‘Come on, you know what I mean.’
I have come to the point that if she wants to feel this way… Well fine. I am never going to convince her of anything different.
Laura did what the Doctor ordered. She stayed home from everything. It broke her heart to tell Rachel she couldn’t go with her to do errands. Laura stayed home and on the couch like a good patient. Well… Except for this one time. In one of our conversations, she sent me this message…
“I will take it easy. I promise. I will be back to work. I promise. Just so you know, next Tuesday I’m going to the volleyball game. It is the PINK OUT game. Okay? It will be ok.” I didn’t answer her. Why should I? It’s not going to stop her from being there for her daughters. I let it go because I would probably do the same. I did send her a message later that night.
‘I am sorry you have restrictions because your counts are low. I know you feel good, but your body needs a little more time. Please don’t have guilt. We all just want you healthy. So, you can stop being mad, and you can stop being quiet. In a few more days your counts will be good again. Remember last time… It just took a few extra days and your counts jumped back up. Don’t get discouraged. If you are worried about work, things will be fine. Don’t feel bad. Take care of you. Take it easy these next few days. Heck enjoy it! Watch some Rachel Ray. Sit in the sun. Just because you are stuck at home doesn’t mean it has to suck. Hey, I know what you can do. Why don’t you clean the bathroom! Hahaha!’ Laura must have the cleanest bathroom in town. When any one of our friends would call or text, asking her what she was doing. It was always the same answer… Cleaning the bathroom. It has become a joke we like to tease her about!
I stopped writing for a few months. The holidays were here, and I just couldn’t bring myself to write. I sat down again and tried to find where I had left off. I read the last several pages of what I had written. Then sat there quietly taking it all in, as if it was the first time of ever reading it.
Laura was talking about other people’s stories. She was telling me how she was drawn to them. They were people just like her, going through cancer. She spoke about how her heart went out to them. Laura would say to me, “I feel so sorry for them.”
I remember back, as she explained in detail, everything that person was going through. She would listen to their stories and somehow, she would connect with what they were feeling. As I listened, she would say “I need to pray for these people. They have it worse off than I do.” I couldn’t find much difference in their stories. Their story sounded like Laura’s. It amazes me how she looks at her cancer in a much lesser degree. These people went through the same treatment in one form or another. I am sure they went through the same amount of sickness that followed theirs too. No matter how sick Laura was feeling, she never felt sorry for herself. I’m not too sure I could feel the same way.
To her… Cancer was just something she had. Like a cold or the flu. Cancer never became who she was. She would NEVER allow that to happen.
Laura knew she was going to be alright. She had God by her side. She had a trust in Him like no other.
That is something to be admired.