Chapter 4

Wednesday, February 18^th, the first of the last four chemo treatments of the second cycle.  This type of chemotherapy required Laura to take 5 pills before bed, and then awake again at 2 A.M. to take 5 more.  Oh boy!  That sounds like fun. 

  Early that next morning Laura arrived at the cancer center.  They checked her weight, then gave her a dose of Benadryl.  I’m guessing the Benadryl must be something new, this is the first time I have heard her mention it.  After Laura was prepped, it was her time with the Doctor.  He informed her that the lymph node was shrinking.  Finally, some good news!  This is exactly what she was hoping to hear.  Laura was SO happy!  She didn’t even care about the 5-hour chemo drip.  Chemo was working! 

  I thought about how it must feel to be at a Doctor’s office/clinic for six hours.  I don’t even like to be at mine for one.  People are having to do this all the time.  They are fighting this battle with everything they can.  Think about this the next time you are out to dinner, and you glance across the room to see someone with a bald head.  Imagine everything they must be going through.  Say a prayer for them, they are going to need it.  It is long, it is tiring, and it is tough.  As for Laura…she continues with her fight.  One chemo down, three more long days to go.

  For the last few weeks Laura has been feeling better.  Her stomach has settled down, she has found something she could eat, and the cough has subsided.  But there was still ONE thing that Laura struggled with daily… Guilt.  She felt bad that she couldn’t play and care for her young grandson.  She couldn’t do the things like she used to do.  Most days she was too tired, she had no energy left.  She would tell me, “Grandmas aren’t supposed to be like this.”  I knew that tugged at Laura’s heart.  But one of the heaviest loads of guilt Laura carried throughout this journey, was not being able to return full-time to work.  She wanted to so badly.  Oh, she would try.  She would get herself together, drive to the daycare and work a few hours at a time.  She tried hard to push through it.   But the intense fatigue was overpowering.  Often, I would find her with her head down on the desk.  ‘Are you okay Laura?’  “Yeah I’m ok, I’m just tired.” ‘Well why don’t you go home.’    To others, she puts on a good front.  She never let on that anything was wrong.  The result of ‘pushing thru’ meant she did way too much.  She’d go home, make it to the couch, and be there till morning.   

  Many of our conversations were about this guilt.  I tried to tell her to let it go.  I said everyone wants you healthy and well, you just need to worry about taking care of yourself.  Those were conversations I couldn’t win.  She usually ended up in tears, feeling like she wasn’t doing her part.  As I look back now, I understand why she felt the way she did.  Everything ‘she is’, who ‘she is’… revolved around children and work.  I think that was the biggest thing cancer could have taken from her.  That daycare & preschool was her ‘life’.  She cares so much for the families, the children, and the people who work there.  Dear God, I wish they knew… just how much!

   Laura had a short break between the first and second set of chemo.  The Doctor wanted her to be strong before this new cycle began.  Laura had her first treatment and she seemed to be doing great.  She didn’t experience any of the side effects like did with the others.  She was doing things she hadn’t done in a very long time.  Laura was getting involved more at work.  She was even back in the classroom, teaching the class.  She said something to me I’ve been waiting for months to hear.  She finally said it… “I feel normal.”  That’s all Laura ever wanted.  Maybe now, I can let out that deep breath.

   Two weeks have passed, and it was chemo day again.  Laura continued to feel great.  Finally, she was able to function in everyday life.  She could make dinner, do her own shopping, and more importantly, plan for the arrival of her second grandbaby.  This one a girl!!

Life for Laura was starting to have ‘meaning’ again.  All I can say to that is… God is good!

   A typical chemo day begins with a weight check, blood draw, a short Q & A consult, followed by flushing the port, then finally the long slow process of the chemo drip.  All of this after the 5 oral pills were taken the night before and then again at 2 A.M.  I don’t think there has ever been a time when Laura has had an appointment, that it was a quick in and out visit.  This day was different.  Laura wasn’t going to receive chemo today because her white blood cell count was too low.  0.8 to be exact.  For the Doctor to even consider administering chemo, her counts would have to be at least 3.0.  The average normal range for a person like you or I, is anywhere between 4.5 and 10.0.

  Soon after Laura arrived, Laura was sent home.  The Doctor handed her a prescription that needed to be filled.  This new medication would come in the form of a shot.  The first dose she received that day in the Doctor’s office, the others she would have to administer at home.  Five shots total, all to be given in the next consecutive days.  The Doc wanted to get those blood counts up and he wanted to get them up in a hurry.  Laura’s pharmacy said, this was a specialty drug, it’s not something they normally keep in stock.  It would have to be shipped in from another state.  They would put an ‘express order’ in, and it should be here in the morning.  The seriousness of all this was a bit overwhelming for Laura, but also hard to understand.  None of this made any sense to her.  She has felt better now than she has in a very long time.  The Doctor told her one more thing before she left, “Absolutely NO going to work!”  This was a firm statement he made, he said it would be too dangerous for her to be around children.  Even those with the slightest of colds could put Laura back into the hospital real quick.   Laura wasn’t going back there.  She knew he was serious.  

  Amanda is a nurse, so she was able to help Laura with these shots at home.  Laura was a good patient and did exactly what the Doctor said. “Stay home and get plenty of rest!”

  Sometime after the third shot, Laura was starting to feel ill.  I checked in with her that morning, she told me she was tired and achy.  By late afternoon, the achiness throughout her body had intensified.  That evening she didn’t feel like texting, so she asked if we could Skype (video chat) instead.  I remember seeing her, stocking cap on and a blanket pulled up to her neck.  She looked horrible.  I didn’t tell her that, but she did.  I asked her how she was feeling.  She described it to me this way… “It’s as if you have the flu.  You are achy all over.  So bad that if you would touch me, it would hurt.”  Laura said the only thing that would help alleviate the pain, was to wrap herself up in a warm heated blanket, take medicine and rest.  She spent several days doing just that.

  The five days of shots were administered, and now it was time for Laura’s next appointment.  Her fingers were crossed, hoping, and praying her blood counts would be up.  And they were!  Laura was able to receive her treatment on that Wednesday.  No follow up shot was needed this time since her counts were now way too high.  Laura laughed, saying, “I guess these shots did what they needed to, but why can’t I be normal?  Now they’re too high.”

  This was the second chemo in this new cycle, and Laura was hoping it would have been like the first one.  This cycle she thought would be easier, she hoping to maintain somewhat of a normal life.  The achiness in Laura’s body continued, some days weren’t as bad as others.  The rough days returned, along with the extreme tiredness.  For a moment we wondered if this was just a reaction from these shots, we know now this is the side effects of the new chemo.

 A few days later, Laura’s fever spiked up.  Over the counter medicine wasn’t bringing it down.  A call to the Doctor, and now another trip to the emergency room.

A series of tests were ordered and done.  Everything checked out to be good, even her blood counts maintained a whopping 4.8!  An antibiotic was given, and she was sent home.  Home is exactly where she wanted to be, she was so scared they were going to keep her.

  I was starting to get texts daily at work, asking me if I could come by.  She would justify these visits by saying, “Can you bring me a drink, or how about lunch?”  I’m not sure if she wanted someone to talk to, or just wanted someone to check in on her.  Honestly, I think she was afraid to be alone. Being alone would give her too much time to think.  It got to the point where Luisa and I, were both taking turns.  Many times, she would ask if we could come together.  I would joke with Luisa, saying, ‘We have been here so much, I think my Jeep instinctively knows the way.’  

  Laura was different now.  She was more serious.  The carefreeness of the past couple of weeks had faded away.  She was starting to give herself pep talks.  She would get nervous.  It was the only way she could calm herself down.

At times, I would look over to see her quietly mouthing words.  I pretended like I didn’t notice, but I did.  She would reach up and hold on to that necklace I gave her, gently rubbing it back and forth with her fingers.  I knew what that meant, Laura didn’t have to say a word.  Laura was praying and she was scared. 

  Laura prayed that these next treatments would go well.  She was ready to feel normal and move on with her life.  Many times, she would ask me, “I have a purpose, don’t I?”  She would say… “I know I need to slow down and make each day as if it were my last.  Life is short, anything can happen.”

These were some of our serious conversations and Laura’s new perspective on life.  She told me some of the private things she tells herself, I will share a little bit of that with you…

“Just stop and listen to your heart.  God is speaking to you.  Take time for others and build on those relationships.  You need to live life the way God wants you to live it.”

 Anxiety is something that parallels with the side effects of chemotherapy.  Or maybe a better description would be… Anxiety is something that parallels cancer.  Just when you start to feel good again, some new symptom would appear.   On top of every inch of her body hurting, now her head was not clear.  It was like her mind was in a constant fog.  She could not concentrate or focus and remembering something from a few minutes ago, was like it disappeared.  Laura was experiencing what they call ‘Chemo Brain’.  ‘Cancer treatment-related cognitive impairment,’ also known as chemo brain.  It’s very real. The medical field defines it as a decrease of mental “sharpness”.  Cancer patients describe it as forgetting things.  They experience memory lapses, have trouble concentrating, some even say they space out.  It is a mental fogginess that some breast cancer patients say can last up to six months.  Yeah… Laura has it!  So, you know what that means, don’t you?  It means I have to give her a hard time about it.  Sometimes, some of the stuff she says is pretty darn funny!

 I cannot tell you how many times in the past few months, Laura has used these two words… “This Sucks!”  It has become part of her cancer vocabulary.   Laura’s desire to feel normal was becoming more and more of a need.  She didn’t want to feel good. She didn’t want to feel great. She just wanted to feel normal.  She told me that time and time again.   

  On her good days she found herself slowing down.  She was starting to enjoy so many things that we all take for granted.  Taking a walk and sitting on a bench became something she treasured.  Feeling the sun as it warmed her face and her little bald head brought so much joy.   Simple conversations with friends and family became the important conversations.  No talk about cancer, no talk about chemo, just taking in the moment of a simple walk in the park.  And as short lived as these good days were, she made the most of them.  She knew the bad days followed.

  I remember one Sunday afternoon, Laura called me and said, “Come get me, I want to sit in the sun.”  My response to her was… ‘Don’t you have sun at your house?’ 

We live about fifteen minutes away from each other and the sun was shining on my side of town.  She answered back, “Yes, I have sun.  I want to go somewhere, come get me!”

  I went and picked her up, then asked her where she wanted to go.  She didn’t care, as long as it was somewhere in the sun.  I headed for Culver’s, since that was the place we would frequent.  On a typical day, we would get our meal, look for the perfect table by the window (the one with the most sun shining through) then sit there and talk for hours.  When we arrived, the place was busy.  Church had just let out and there weren’t any places to park.  I sat there for a minute and thought about it. I knew exactly where we needed to go.  We went through the drive-thru, ordered a drink and headed for a small local lake. 

  Once we got there, I parked the Jeep and told her to get out and follow me.  This would be a good time to tell you Laura hates my Jeep.  I drive a Jeep Wrangler 4×4.  Every time Laura gets in it, she complains.  She can’t get the door shut.  She can’t keep the door open.  It’s hard to get in and out of.  I tell her ‘Hush, It’s a Jeep!  It will keep you young!’  She laughs every time she complains about it.  But you know what? She keeps on riding along.   

  I get out of the Jeep and lead the way.  I said, “Come on, we’re going to go sit at that picnic table. Get your drink, let’s go.’  I take off walking and quietly laugh.  I said, ‘Laura look!  The sun is shining here too!!  Imagine that!!!’  The weather was quite unusual for this time of year, it was such a warm winter’s day.  It really was nice out!  We didn’t even need a coat.

   I am beginning to open up more and starting to share some of my stories.  I told her how sometimes I come out here and just sit and look around.  I asked her, ‘Do you ever do that?  Do you ever come out here and sit?’  The answer was no.  I told her, so many people have tunnel vision, they only see what is right in front of them.  Sometimes you have to slow down.  You have to look up and look around, absorb all that you can.  I could see Laura get quiet.  I watched her out of the corner of my eye as she scanned across the lake.  We sat there for quite a while, not saying a word. Life slowed down. The bird’s songs became clearer and the crashing of the waves became louder.  Feeling nothing but a gentle breeze from the wind, as the sun warmed her face.  For a short while, nothing else mattered.  Not a fever, not body aches, not a hint of cancer.  Just taking in the moment of what God put in front of us.

  I said… ‘Get up!  Come on, we are going down there’.  I told her, ‘We’re walking down to that dock, to look at the fish.’  The dock was at the lake’s marina, they always have fish that swim up next to it.  She looked at me funny, as if I had lost my mind.     

  Laura and I are two completely different people.  How we are friends, I really don’t know.  Our lifestyles are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  But our minds, and how we think, are just alike.  Laura is all about hotels, shopping, and riding in nice cars.  I am more outdoorsy.  We camp, hike, and like to explore.  But when it comes to how we view life, in our minds and in our hearts, we are one and the same.

  We walked out on the dock, there were tons of fish waiting to be fed.  I asked her if her family has ever done this before.  ‘Have you ever been out here to look at the fish?’  The answer was another no!  As she stared into the water, a memory surfaced.  She told me stories about how her Dad would go out late at night to fish.  I listened to her as she talked about his love for this.  You could see the joy rise in her, as these memories flooded her heart.  When she finished one story, she couldn’t wait to tell another.   She was like a small child taken back years ago.

Time was getting away and I had somewhere to be. “I’m sorry Laura, we need to go.’  As we walked back thru the parking lot, we passed a man getting on his motorcycle.  I looked over at her and said… ‘Have you ever ridden on one of those?’  This time the answer was YES!  I laughed in total surprise.  I said, ‘I never would have guessed that one!’

I haven’t been able to tell yet if my boss likes me asking her all these questions.  Although, I like asking them.  I am learning a lot!